When Did I Start Planning For A Future?

I led a miserable life as a teenager. My parents were alcoholics and spent most of their time at the local watering hole, cheating on one another, or causing some sort of drama in our lives. Like any other mal-adjusted teenage girl, I lost myself in my friends drinking, going to parties, getting into trouble, and ditching school. I lived day to day not considering that I would live beyond the walls of high school as several of my friends had already been killed in one fashion or another. When I started college, I had buried my baby daughter and was just going through the motions, not really caring if I had a future or not. I got married in the same hapless fashion in which I did everything up until that point in my life and moved to Phoenix. For 3 1/2 years, I had come and gone from one undergrad program to another, desperately wanting to be a Doctor. Unfortunately, I had not been given the tools by my parents, my experiences, or my new husband to develop and maintain a healthy self-esteem that would carry me through such a challenging path. It is now years later (I was separated in 1997 and divorced in 1998) and I am a totally different person than I was then. I have married a man that has supported my pursuit of my own identity, my own stability, and to find a way to end the cycle of dysfunction. I have gained everything I need to know that I deserve anything and everything I am willing to work for and have what it takes to grab the bull by the horns. To that end, I am so close to the completion of my undergraduate degree and went to an Open House providing information for an MBA with Health care Management. I am so very excited and nervous, but confident that I have what it takes to obtain a Masters degree. When I say that G has loved me back to health, I truly mean this man has dedicated the last several years to giving me all the time, space, and support in finding my own legs to stand on. I love you and am so grateful for the way you love me. If I was supposed to climb these hills to get to this place, then it was worth it.

Seriously?

So I received the news today that I passed the certification exam I took in Las Vegas during the conference. I am genuinely surprised, not because I did not have faith in myself, but because I did not study enough and was exhausted the morning I took it. I am so unbelievably thrilled with myself for so many accomplishments: I am 6 months from being awarded my undergraduate degree, I have successfully sat for my CHAA and CHAM within a year apart, I have been promoted twice, have applied for promotions and accepted the results, and now I am trying to take care of myself through eating right, exercising, and loving myself enough to know what I need. I have surrounded myself with people who genuinely love and appreciate me, distanced myself from toxic behavior, and feel nothing for those who were not brave enough to love me. I am happy and lovely and smiley and giggly and passing all that I have on to those who do not have any other resources for it. I am good.

I am struggling this week. I am tired but cannot sleep, the heat is preventing me from getting faster, and I cannot seem to stay hydrated. Not a symptom but on my mind is family. My in-laws have left, I just finished reading Without A Map, and Little Bird is dealing with a critically ill mother in law or at least her crazy ass family. It is amazing what long term affect the 18 years at home will have on a person. The differences between parenting is mind numbing and the book has aggetated me.

So vacation is over, my in-laws are gone, and I a back on the train this morning. I feel heathy, tired, but healthy. The heat is starting to get to me and I am nervous about getting dehydrated on my way back in the afternoons. Then I have two consecutive weeks of events that will take me out of my routine. This all sounds whiny and complainy and I truly love my life.

So this is going to sound much crankier than I really am, but my body aches, I am still coughing mucus from my chest, I cannot sleep, and when I do I have nightmares about being mean to Little - which I am not. There is so much going on that I could be more affected by than I realize, but you would think that the running would help soothe my mind. Maybe it is time for me to lay on my Little Bird's couch for some mind shrinking?

So I applied for a promotion today. It is for a newly created job within my own department doing exactly what I would love to do. I am confident I would be a good fit, but am not cocky nor take for granted that I will be the choice. I really really want it though!

So I almost decided to just drive to work today. I don't have coffee coming, my chest is full of crap I am coughing up, my body is sore, and I have the beginnings of a headache. Not to mention that I have off-site meetings that require me to rely on others for transportation. But then I thought, Tough Stuff-get over it. If I allow myself one inch, I will at some point try to take a mile. It is 3 days a week, suck it up Sally. And I did....