COLOgal

Welcome baby New Year

2012-01-01T16:54:00.002-07:00

I am not sorry to see 2011 retire itself. What an incredibly difficult year we had with the death of our beloved Gunther dog, my surgery, a case of Shingles for me, the death of my beloved father in law, and dis-satisfaction with our current jobs. In 2012, I will graduate with my MBA, Little will turn 8, both our boys will be in their 20's, G turns 50, and I turn 40, while we celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary and the 14th year as partners. There is so much to look forward to, including my continued physical transformation. I am sure I have gone into each new year with a certain level of optimism, but I hope that I represent a new level than ever before. I feel so alive and engaged in this year to come and hope that there are additional reasons to celebrate in 2012.

Welcome to my vacation from school

2011-12-18T18:14:00.003-07:00

Today was the first Sunday in months that I have not had to work on a school assignment and wasn't real sure what to do with myself. So I baked 24 dozen cookies, watched football, and did laundry. I have a break from school until January and then I only have two classes before I graduate. I cannot believe I am going to walk across a stage on May 5th to accept my graduate diploma. I AM SO EXCITED. I am hoping that it opens new doors for me as it is time for me to take the next step in my career and I do not think socialized medicine is the right path for me. There has been some office politics drama and that has curbed my enthusiasm for the environment I am in right now.

My weight is coming down and I have been able to clean out a major portion of my closet. Because Little is out of school, I can get up a bit later in the morning and still work out and because I am out of school, I can exercise in the afternoons as well. The dance school is out until after the New Year, which will help me have more time to make meals at night. I hope the combination will assist in losing a few more pounds

They Say It's Your Birthday

2011-09-25T20:39:00.002-06:00

Yes, today I am 39. Holy Crap- my last 30-something birthday. I guess getting older is a good thing given that the alternative is death. The best part of the weekend was that I ran a tiny bit and that got me inspired to do a little more of that. My beautiful friend reminded me how powerful running is as a competition with yourself through her blog and I yearn to feel that again. I have a lot to do in this next year and it's time to board the train.

Back in the saddle again

2011-09-10T16:58:00.002-06:00

So I have been super busy, we have a new addition to our family: Kerstone's Baron Maximillian Von Atticus, the cutesy German Shepherd pup. My 2nd fill has taken hold and I am back to losing weight again. With the new puppy, I am getting more walking in. Little has started dancing, which gives me time to swim too. This is a marathon and not a sprint.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

2011-08-23T20:18:00.002-06:00

So I went in for my two week follow up from my first fill. Based on the fact that I have lost less than a pound since my fill, I needed another one. In all fairness, she told me it might not be enough for a proper restriction, so she was not at all surprised. I am back on liquids until tomorrow, when I go back to soft foods. So I go back in two weeks and hope to have more traction. I know, 1-2 pounds a week is the target loss, but less than 1 in 2 weeks is totally deflating!

Apparently Today is Day One

2011-08-11T17:39:00.002-06:00

So I went in yesterday for my first fill. I have a 14 cc band and was given 6 cc's for restriction. I was scared to death about a needle being inserted into my stomach, but I only felt the sensation of old saline moving through my port. So today is technically the beginning of my weight loss journey, despite me losing weight after surgery. That almost 20 pounds is considered a bonus, so whoo hoo for a bonus! I ave been only liquids and soft foods since and must be strict on only 4 ounces at a time. Ok, let's roll.

One Step Forward and One Step Back

2011-08-02T20:28:00.002-06:00

Today was my last day at home recovering before I go back to work. I decided last night to keep Little at home from day camp so that we could do some baking and go swimming. So I got up to Little announcing that the neighbor's chickens had flown into our yard. With an over-protective 120 pound German Shepherd, any living thing in the backyard is in danger. We made healthy blueberry bars, had lunch with G, and then went off to the pool. I got several laps and swam for 30-45 minutes before I was interrupted by Little and her friends wanting me to play. That was my success of the day.

My failure, I ate too much at dinner and would really appreciate a case of bulimia right now, but no.

You win some and you lose some!

I Itch

2011-07-31T17:26:00.003-06:00

So, I have shingles on the right side of my body, mosquito bites on the rest, and a anxiety over my professional life. I am not sure what is is causing me the most discomfort. The shingles are painful, thanks to their attraction to nerves, itch, and burn. Colorado is experiencing mutant mosquitos, which provide itchy mump-like bites. My job has turned into something that was once an exciting challenge to unsatisfying frustration. I think I have gotten to a place where I can finally appraise my own self-worth and feel confident about what I have to offer. G wants me to be patient a little while longer as there are many changes coming in the next couple of months. Our youngest son is moving back into the house tomorrow. We have given him a year of rent-free living in which we are paying his college tuition and books at the local Community College in an effort to raise his GPA and save money. Given that my sons are technically my step-sons, I have never lived with either one of them full-time and I have never lived with them not resenting the hell out of their mother for all the chaos she caused us and them. Little starts a new school in August, requiring me to add her into my morning for the first time since she started school. Fortunately, she will be wearing uniforms, which makes that stress-free. Little is starting back to dance in September and has a renewed dedication to it. We are also coming around to the idea of a new addition to the canine population as we continue to move past the death of our beloved Gunther. I also need to focus on my health as I begin to have fills and integrate exercise to a full schedule.

I am not patient and I feel like I am compromising my health, my education, and my time by remaining in a position that does not value me for what I bring to the table, but instead relish my position as scape-goat. I finish my MBA in the Spring and G is back to trying to talk me into staying at home until that happens. I feel like there is something I am meant to be doing and maybe I will find clarity once I am done with my Masters program.

For now, I am trying to not scratch what itches.

It was going so well....

2011-07-29T20:18:00.001-06:00

It was going well. Little was headed back to camp, I had a plan. It was time to start swimming. That was all before I went to my doctor because of a bizarre heat rash that turned out to be shingles.

Post Op Day 12

2011-07-11T08:59:00.001-06:00

So I plugged along nicely Post Op Days 3-5 and then got confused about what I was supposed to be eating. Fortunately, my post-op nutrition class was on Post Op Day 7 and I found out I was not eating enough. I went back to work the following day and did well with the appropriate number of meals, my protein drink, and my water bottle. I am eating approximately 2-4 ounces every 2 hours. My real challenge is meeting my water requirement every day and staying on schedule with eating. I was down to 274.4, but have put on 3 pounds and I weigh in at 277.4 currently. I wanted to freak out about the weight gain, but after research and discussing this with others, it is normal. I am not drinking enough water, having trouble taking my Benefiber, not always eating enough, not watching my sodium intake (and I am not supposed to be), and I am off full liquids and eating soft foods. My body is in a constant state of flux and change and so I am supposed to 1). Be Patient, and 2). Stop weighing myself everyday (the post op instructions say to stay off the scale and if that is impossible, weigh once a week).
On the positive side: I still have more energy than I have had in a very long time. I am exercising regularly and feel a little jealous that the Badwater Ultra marathon starts today – as if I could run that right now, or ever. I see changes in my body shape, even though the scale is not as friendly as I would want it to be. Little is at Girl Scout camp this week and so I can have a total inward focus to try and get back on track with the water, eating every two hours, and continue to exercise – not that she hindered that piece of it, in fact, she liked being in charge of me as we walked through the neighborhood.
I got off track with my postings trying to recover, finish one class up while starting another, and getting Little packed for her week of “roughing” it in the beautiful mountains where she will ride horses. This in itself is a good lesson that life does not slow down because you are in the midst of self-improvement.

Post Op Day Three

2011-07-02T14:53:00.002-06:00

I have had major improvements in my post op healing in the last couple of days. I am supposed to walk 60 minutes a day in any increment. The first day, I went 6 times for 10 minutes. Now I am at 3 times a day for 20 minutes. So my schedule is something like this: Wake up, take Levothyroid, wait 30 minutes, drink 1 oz of protein (Isopure or Muscle Milk light) at the top of every hour, drink 1 oz of water every 15 minutes after, and take deep inhales into my spirometer twice an hour. Of course, there is a lot of trips to the little girl's room with all that liquid and then the walking - leaves little time for anything else. However, I went to a bar-b-que for a couple of hours last night and am on my way to get a pedicure with a friend of mine to celebrate her birthday. I am amazed to be losing about 2 lbs a day and weighed in at 280.4 today. Day by day, step by step.

Post Op Day One

2011-06-30T19:45:00.002-06:00

So I had abdominal surgery yesterday and despite my nerves, it all went great. Today I feel like I did too many sit ups but have not used the prescription pain medication, opting for liquid Tylenol instead. I am on clear liquids until next Wednesday when I start mushy foods. I walked for 10 minutes every two hours today, drank one ounce of fluid every fifteen minutes, and had a teaspoon of sugar free jello. The best part of my day was my shower, but everything makes me tired. So I started this journey at 294, went into surgery at 287, and am 284 today. The goal I have with my physicians is to get to 135-140 and re-evaluate from there. I am going to take each loss a day at a time and be thankful to my body for carrying me through.

The Obvious

2011-06-28T21:13:00.001-06:00

Nervous does not even begin to cover it and poor G is out of his mind with angst and worry.

The Final Countdown

2011-06-26T18:30:00.002-06:00

So, I am having surgery in a few days. My pre-op is done, my medication is filled, and I am the first case Wednesday morning. I am changing my life completely. I have stopped taking much of my medication, some as a self-directive and some as physician directed. G bought me a kick ass elliptical that he constructed in the basement and I have made new BFFs at Max Muscle. I have 166 pounds to lose after losing a few pounds over the past few weeks. I start an all clear liquid diet on Tuesday, which consists of a clear protein drink, chicken broth, apple juice, water, and sugar free jello. I am anxious, nervous, and trying to be uber organized about everything. I will be on liquids the first 5 days after surgery, so....here we go.

Pharmacology

2011-05-29T12:45:00.002-06:00

So here is where I am: my thyroid is not working producing high amounts of TSH for which I take thyroid medicine, my hemoglobin A1C is high and I am insulin resistant so I take metformin. The difficulty is that I cannot get my TSH and Hemoglobin A1C normal at the same time, which equates to constant re-adjustment of one med or another. Additionally, I take a zoloft substitute in an effort to maintain my energy level since I have not been sleeping through the night, which makes it difficult to want to exercise, which I cannot seem to manage on a consistent basis anyhow. A week ago, my physician prescribed a new medicine that was originally developed for seizures and strokes, but has been found to work for chronic migraine patients, of which I am one. Happily, I have not had one migraine since I began taking this little pill of perfection and the side effects are drowsiness - read: sleep like I am dead and loss of appetite - read: eat like a bird. So, needless to say, this is my favorite because it actually has results that I can apply to my daily life.

Catch Up in 200 words or less

2011-05-23T18:15:00.003-06:00

Where do I start? I have stopped running, swimming, exercising. I am consumed with my MBA, work, my family, and the losses we have sustained this past year. I have just started the 7th class of 12 in my graduate degree and am looking forward to graduating next year. Thanks to a bout of premature peri-menapause, I was placed on hormones, which made me crazy and all girly. After nine months and several pounds, I have stopped taking them. The concern is that I am too young for menopause, but I am too young to feel insane also. In January, we had to put our beloved Gunther to sleep as he began suffering from cancer, which he was diagnosed with the last week in December. G, Little, and I were thrust into a deep, dark depression that took us weeks to resolve. In addition, Little began to have issues with her after school situation and so I pretty much threw an ultimatum at my boss. The result was that I changed my hours at work to 0530-1430, which means I am getting up at 0400 and in theory, going to bed at 2000. The problem is that I still do not sleep well, causing all kinds of issues. I am still suffering from headaches - though I am on a new medication that has two side-effects: drowsiness & weight-loss. I have only been taking it for a couple of days, but I cannot find a down side just yet. Little is much better after months of Mommy after-school and is going through interview after interview for private school in the Fall. Mommy is looking forward to school being out and Little going to camp so that she can sleep until 0500 or 0600 and not go to bed before the neighborhood kids.

I am a voyer in that I look at the pictures of my beautiful friend's baby boy and feel ashamed that I do not know him. I feel ashamed that I do not run and that I am in my own way. I want to run and yet, I cannot get out of my own way. I have put on so much weight over the past year and I can no longer resolve what part of that is me and what part of that is meds, hormones, excuses, etc.

2011-05-19T07:20:00.001-06:00

I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I have had anything to say! It has been a challenging year and I would have liked to have had something to look back upon and feel accomplished for making it through. My beloved Gunther dog passed in January from an aggressive form of cancer, throwing us all into a deep, dark depression. My cat died in February of old age. As of now, I am more than half way through my Masters degree, hoping I made the right choice given the sacrifices my friends, my family, and I have and continue to make.

So Out of Character

2010-08-22T21:04:00.007-06:00

So I did something completely out of character and I packed up the family, drove to South Dakota, and spent a weekend away. It was G's birthday and so I signed him up for a 7 mile trail run in Spearfish, SD to make him feel empowered. Well, the definition of trail run in Spearfish is different than what we in Colorado call a trail run. My poor husband ran through the finish line after climbing Look-Out Mountain, which he nearly fell off, gashing his leg in the mean time. Happy Birthday and I love you honey! After showers and lunch, we made our way to Mount Rushmore. The sky was blue, the day was beautiful, and the patriotism was remarkable. I have seen it before, but not like this and not with Little & G. It is hard to imagine how 400 people could create such a remarkable monument to 4 of the greatest men who lived. Moving back toward Spearfish, we made a detour through Bear Country, a drive through animal sanctionary. It was incredible to have these mighty animals as close as they were. We saw elk, deer, wolves, buffalo, and so many bears. They just roam around and sniff your car and play in their own environment. We walked through the Babyland and saw the newest additions.

With our day nearly done, we headed off to Deadwood for a wine tasting (I bought several bottles) and G's birthday dinner. We had an amazing time and want to do more of these. Our cell phones did not work, making the entire weekend all about the three of us - just the way we like it.

August is the month for Angels

2010-08-17T00:49:00.002-06:00

On August 25, 1990 I gave birth to a baby girl. A month later, I turned 18. A month after that, I buried my daughter who died at 2 months and 4 days old from a rare disorder that attacked her intestines. There is nothing as devastating as burying a child. I remember this as I discover that the beautiful little girl who died in Grand Junction over the weekend was the daughter of someone I knew before my life was permanently altered. I cannot remember what anyone said to me while I mourned and I cannot imagine what anyone could say to someone during such a devestating time in their lives. All I can say is that my heart breaks for the family. That I hope they find peace and comfort in something that provides some sort of solace.

Cannot

2010-08-17T00:17:00.003-06:00

I cannot sleep and so here I am and I cannot write. I have been working a lot and school keeps me busy and I am walking almost regularly and I cannot sleep.

Pimples, PMS, & The Pill.....

2010-08-16T00:15:00.002-06:00

So, I have been pretty up and down these past few weeks, though you would not know it since I am still not writing on a regular basis. Somehow, I have lost my focus, my drive, and my "yes" around my job and have allowed the worst of the worst get into my head. I have allowed these demons to impart their drama into my daily life, leading me to chase my tail - which I hate to do! Luckily, I have two of the very best mentors in the whole world and they have worked extra hard to keep me level. I think I have to assign some of my craziness to the fact that I, at 37 years old, am back on THE pill. So now I am taking medication to counter my blood sugar, replace my dead thyroid,and keep my girl parts in working order. FABULOUS! Did I mention that my face is also breaking out like a 16 yr old girl while PMSing? Fun, Fun.....

2010-06-14T18:49:00.002-06:00

So I have stopped writing. Literally and figuratively. I went to browse Barnes and Noble killing time while Little was in dance and found some beautiful journals. I bought her one and was looking for some pens for us, then realized, I do not write anymore. My life revolves around technology -iPhone, iPad, laptop, desktop, and the piece I turn my nose up at, my pager. I type and click and even now, I blog using my text message function. I have surrounded myself with technology in an attempt to make my life easier and instead, I fill each hole with more tasks. But I have stopped writing, allowing my thoughts to enter and flee in random fashion without any remorse. I just let them go as quickly as they came. This is how I feel about running. I have stopped, totally stopped. No running or walking or Jazzercise or Biggest Loser or Wii. I refuse, adamently refuse. I do so like I am phobic to it and without knowing why.

Our Degree Arrived

2010-03-25T20:51:00.003-06:00

So, I drove up to my house tonight and noticed a yellow envelope propped up on my front door. I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had ordered and wondering if G had left town, forgetting to let me know that he was expecting something. Imagine my surprise when I saw the envelope was from my Alma mater. Upon accessing the contents, I quickly realized that it was my college diploma. Elated, I immediately took pictures of the beautiful document and send them off to G via text. It is bitter-sweet in that I have to send pictures to my love of the degree I finally completed and he was such an integral part of my success. This degree is ours. I acknowledge that I did the work, but he gave me the space, support, patience, and confidence to do so. It is our degree and it will bring us even better things. Thank you baby!

Not Much To Say.....

2010-03-24T21:56:00.003-06:00

So, I don't have much to say lately. Not because I am troubled or unhappy or have very little going on. No, I have plenty going on, even without being in school. I think I use all of my words during the day. I think I use all my energy on other things and just cannot muster scribing in a thought provoking and meaningful way. I am grateful for my life, my family, my job. I am thankful for my friends and the people in my life, even though I do not articulate that as often as I should. This week is exhausting and yes, it is only Wednesday. G is visiting his parents as his father has been in the hospital and ill. I talked him into going and am glad I did, but damn I miss him. I am not sleeping and the girl dog is restless and Little is sleeping in my bed. There was a blizzard and school was closed. I have deadlines and reports and demands on my time. I will get more employees and I need my bird back. I had part 2 of the Diabetes workshop, only to learn that I am not doing it right and eating too much protein. I am not exercising this week, though I was sure I would be able to walk the dogs. I am happy and satisfied and content, except that I want G home, I just do not have much to say.

Class of 2010

2010-03-14T19:47:00.003-06:00

I am a college graduate, oh yes I am. Well, I have a certificate of completion, but am not sure when I will receive my diploma. The graduation ceremony is in May, the same weekend I will be in Florida for a conference. Hmmm. None of this matters because I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE!

So I have been officially done for a week. In true fashion, I have spent the past week pushing my college to submit the necessary documents in an effort to complete my application for grad school. The ponied up and now I have a complete packet that is sitting in committee review and my interview is this week. I am not nervous, I am excited!

I went to Jazzercise today and have mapped out exercise schedules for the next month and a half that I am off of school and I have some pretty demanding deadlines at work. I am so afraid of getting lazy during this break and want to continue reading meaningful material, but ugh, my brain needs a breather.

Finishing Only to Start Again!

2010-02-21T21:30:00.003-07:00

So, I love my life...I took a CLEP exam this week and passed it so I do not actually have to take the class and will graduate on time! Which is in 2 weeks now. TWO WEEKS! I cannot believe it and this term has been so painful. Well, one class is painful in that it is Human Sexuality and between the book and the papers I have had to write, I feel like a pervert. I am not a Psychology major because I want to clinically treat individuals and I certainly do not want to deal with sexual dysfunction or deviant behavior. SERIOUSLY! But this is one of two classes I must complete. The other is Integrative Psychology and my Senior capstone. I could not have a better way to cap off my degree than this class and this professor! When I registered for this class, I did so with a groan. Surprisingly, I have loved every minute of this class. So really, I have two weeks of coursework left and it is chock full of 10 page papers, exams, and of course, the demands of my job!

In addition, G and I both are focused on trying to get into Grad School. He was accepted for the Computer Science Master's Certificate program at Stanford, but we just cannot afford the price tag right now. I am really proud of him for doing this. He is 10 years older than I am and could retire in the next 10 years, but he has not achieved all that he wants to achieve before doing just that. Besides, he only wants to retire to spend more time with me and I am way too young to even think about retiring!

A Friendly Reminder

2010-02-04T19:36:00.002-07:00

So I am sitting here watching the Oprah I recorded today. Dr. Oz is talking about diabetes. He is treating a woman that has Type one who is 44 years old and has lost kidney function, one leg up to her knee and just had her other foot amputated. 85,000 limbs are amputated due to diabetes per year. The warning signs are: constant thirst, frequent urination, non-healing infections, tingling toes, and blurred vision. I have three of the five. The risk factors are belly fat, sedentary lifestyle, family history, and smoking. I have two of the four. If your waist size is more than half your height, then you are at risk. So there is a vicious cycle..if you get a little fat around your waist, then if you are Type II, the sugar floats around looking for a receptor to bind to. In lieu of binding, it stores in the belly, creating more fat. It then becomes more difficult to reverse. So this explains why I can run and not lose but a handful of weight at a time. It does not make things better, easier, but it explains it in a way that makes me need to be more patient with myself. I need to run because I love to run and because it is good for my heart. I need to be patient, I need to be patient. I need to stay away from sugar, which means I need to get enough sleep and I need to protect my feet. I need to do better.

Luck, Pure Luck

2010-02-02T22:57:00.003-07:00

When I look at my child, I get over-whelmed by my love for her. She is amazing and beautiful and wonderful and real. There are times that I look at her and find myself over come by emotion and passion. I am so lucky.

Ode to Buckys

2010-01-28T21:30:00.002-07:00

So I am a true Bucky's girl. There are days in which I make two runs, one before work and one after or during. This has been a hard week with lots of work, work, work, and so I went this afternoon for a nonfat treat. The cars parked outside range from high end luxury automobiles to those that have duct tape holding the bump in place. Inside, is a potpourri of diversity. There is an older woman sitting in the corner with burgundy hair fashioned in a mo hawk and a couple of people chatting over spreadsheets in suits. Mixed with studious looking souls covered in ink are stay at home mothers chatting it up before the kiddos get out for the day. There is no rhyme or reason to whom partakes in a Bucky's beverage, except that we are all inter-related by our loyalty to the green and white.

Red Eye Is not a flight...

2010-01-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

Here. Tired. Event Week.

The Road to Hell is still the road to hell.....

2010-01-24T21:24:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow begins my third week of this term. Five weeks left before I graduate as long as I pass these two courses and take a CLEP exam. I waited until the last minute today to write and turn in a 5 page paper on mental illness. It makes me wonder if on some level I am sabotaging myself. What does it mean for me to graduate and why would I fear that. I am nervous about the CLEP exam and I must maintain a certain GPA in order to gain acceptance to the MBA program. I can do this, I know I can do this. Did I not plan well today or am I on a familiar road?

Love Lost

2010-01-23T20:41:00.004-07:00

I am currently reading the most amazing book. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. It has been a couple of years since he wrote the book and almost two years since he died. The book is meant as a time capsule for his children as his oldest was 6 when he died and his youngest is only a baby. Today I watched the Lecture from the Oprah episode and the interview he and his wife conducted with Diane Sawyer. I cannot imagine the heart-break, which got me thinking about Todd Beemer and his wife, Lisa (?) from 9/11. Is it better to know that the love of your life has months to live, leaving you to live your life without them, knowing that each special occasion will be the last the two of you will spend together? Or is it better to wake up to the loss of your great love, not having those last moments to appreciate, but not watching them die slowly over time? Then I started thinking about those who love the one who got away and they let them go. They move on to live their lives, marry someone, have children, and never face that honesty.

These are the things I should not think about that I do. All three scenarios are tragic and sad and would keep me up at night if I truly considered it. But I love this book.....

Walk to Run

2010-01-21T20:45:00.003-07:00

I am feeling healthy and calm right now. I hate getting up at 5 am, getting out in the dark cold, and driving to the gym, but I love the thrill of the adrenaline and the way I feel when I am done. My running stats from last year suck and so I have set new goals. I set them from a few different angles..the number of times I run, my pace, and the number of miles I go. I have also set my Nike coach to get me back to where I was months ago through the walk to run program.

I think I should take the walk to run philosophy to heart in other aspects of my life. I love my job, but it is break neck speed right now. I continue to get high profile projects at every turn. I love school, but I feel alot of pressure about this being my last term, needing to CLEP a course, and worrying about acceptance into the MBA program. I want my body to be healthy now and I can feel myself starting to expect more and more from it now that I feel better. There are things I am doing really well, but I do not do well focusing on my success.

My Fingers Hurt

2010-01-19T20:35:00.004-07:00

A week ago today I spent a frustrating day in my physicians office. Upon getting my thyroid numbers in check, we were sure that my sugars would go down and in true schizo fashion, they did just the opposite and went up. I am insulin resistant and have polycystic ovary syndrome for which I take medication and poke my fingers 4 times a day to do a blood test. I got sicker before I finally feel better, nearly passing out at work. Now that I have gotten things in check and have gotten use to the meds, I am feeling much better. I even went to the gym this morning. Yea Me!

In other news, life is very expensive for G and I right now and it is a tad bit frustrating. I feel like I have a plan each time I get promoted and then things happen that commandeer the extra funds associated with my raise. I genuinely want to stay on track, but oh hell if it is not one thing it is another. I am happy though. I love my life and would not go back for anything. My husband is a dream come true and I am so excited to graduate.

6 Years of Wonder and Love

2010-01-13T22:06:00.002-07:00

Today my Little turned 6 years old. She is so wonderful and beautiful and intelligent and my life was forever changed when I held her tiny body in my arms for the very first time. She is the greatest gift I have ever been given and the second chance that I may not have deserved, but am extremely grateful for. Happy Birthday my Little!

Too Much or Too Little Ain't Good

2010-01-10T20:50:00.002-07:00

So, the day went by super quick. Got up, made breakfast - oldest son joined us, cleaned up. Had coffee and a long chat with oldest son and G. Made lentil soup, went to the grocery store, did a little work, had dinner, folder laundry, will put it up and go to bed. I did not get half of what I wanted to get done actually done. There are not enough hours in the day and that includes weekends. Isn't it funny that I do not like having too much or too little time off. G says I am particular. Hmmm

Star Trek Got Me Thinking....

2010-01-09T20:58:00.002-07:00

So I am sitting on the couch with my laptop on hand while G watches several episodes of an old Sci-fi series. I only half listen because I am not into this series in any way. However, one of the episodes really struck me. The captain was struck by an energy bolt that catapulted him into a space/time continuum. His teenage son was in the docking bay and witnessed the event. There was a funeral and his son could not move on. His father continued to appear to him, disrupting any normalcy the son might have established. It cost him his career, his wife, and ultimately, his life. It all worked out in the end, but the demise of the son at his own doing through his grief over the loss of his father was devastating.

So, all of this got me thinking again about how I have been neglecting myself and have fallen into various medical conditions that are now requiring medical intervention. The extreme would be something happening to me, but I can not do anything to jeopardize the opportunity for my daughter to grow up in tact, breaking the dysfunctional cycle that the women in my family have passed on for generations. I need her to have everything there is to gain in this world and a child cannot move forward, realizing all the possibilities, while grieving for someone they have lost.

I had A Good Day, Really I Did.....

2010-01-08T23:09:00.002-07:00

I had a good day. Nothing in particular happened, but I had an opportunity to sit in my office and get some work done. Lots of work done actually. I had lunch with some of my colleagues and I realize that I am a tad lonely in my new position or maybe location. Everyone dear to me is in the main hospital, while I am in a building directly across. The difference is not great, but if you consider that I am constantly in meetings and then must return to my own office, then it makes it virtually impossible to see them all on a regular basis. I love my job and I love the people that make me successful, but I miss the times when I could have my first thing in the morning conversations and have a hundred people coming and going. Not to say that I don't have chaos, because I do. This is a ridiculous post because I am very happy and I talk to about 100 people a day from all areas. I just feel sentimental about the people who supported me and worked hard with me to elevate me to this position. I guess I feel like I am being replaced, well, because I am being replaced on a couple of different levels.

2010: Day Seven

2010-01-07T20:57:00.002-07:00

So today I received confirmation that I have completed the requirements necessary to graduate minus this current term and a CLEP test I need to take for a level 100 class that is too ridiculous to take. I cannot believe that I am so close and could have my degree at the end of March. I could have my MBA acceptance by the end of April. I could be in the MBA program by May and have a Masters degree in hand in 2011. But, I am getting ahead of myself, I am sure.

This month I will celebrate two years with my organization. Two years in my new life and I feel so satisfied. Had I not pursued the career change, I would not have thrust myself into building a career and would not have pursued the completion of my degree. My husband and I have rebuilt our relationship and I have become a better mother. I have incredible mentors and leaders that model behaviors consistent with leading by example. I have been given opportunity to walk down the path of becoming the very best me. There is never a day when I feel bored or under-utilized. I have been given the opportunity to rise and shine and I am so very grateful for that.

2010: Day Six

2010-01-06T20:48:00.002-07:00

So, it was my first day back and I was busy, busy, busy. One of the reasons I wanted to work for this organization was because I knew I would not be bored. Most days my biggest problem is getting enough water in, bio breaks, or figuring out what I can accomplish at the end of the day when I am too tired to concentrate. I have many projects for 2010 and had three more added to me today.

I heard back from my physician today. I had a blood draw on Monday. I am insulin resistant, which means diabetes. I have to go back next week to figure out what that means exactly and what the next steps are. This is not something I feel like talking about right now. I know this because G has tried to get me to sit down and discuss it a couple of times this evening. There is still not enough data and much unknown and so there is little or nothing more to say about it.

I am ready to start school and I do not know why as I am very tired today and cannot imagine adding one more thing to my plate. I am sure it will get easier.

Last Day & First Day

2010-01-05T20:34:00.003-07:00

So I spent my final day of vacation cleaning up the house, meeting Little's new teacher, getting new school supplies, running errands, laundry, etc. Not at all relaxing. I am looking forward to getting back to work, but I know I will pay for being gone this long. I am nervous because I got pretty lazy being at home. I slept in, answered email when I felt like it, ate crap, did not exercise as much as I should have, and in general lost any discipline that I might have had.

Little starts 1st grade tomorrow. In addition, she begins in a new after-school program that requires her to take a bus off-site. She has a field trip to the Stock Show next Thursday. She is still awake even though I put her to bed an hour and 15 minutes ago. I think we are both excited and nervous!

Expectations

2010-01-04T22:03:00.003-07:00

Expectation is a powerful thing. It claims our emotion, captures our intellect, and drives reaction to reality. We can be so arrogant about our expectations, but how do we influence what is out of our control so that our expectations are met? I get inpatient when my expectations are left wanting. My son gets frustrated and angered when his are not met. Does this mean that we set our expectations to high or that we are too analytical in establishing outcomes. I think it means that I do not live in the moment. But this is not a rant, just an interesting thought.

2010: Day Three - Choices

2010-01-03T21:34:00.004-07:00

Almost a week ago G and I were called to the ex-wife's house to confront our middle son regarding some bad choices he was making in his life. We took away his phone, his car, his freedom, and potentially his opportunity to start college early. We are meeting again tomorrow to decide his fate and his "probation". Choices seem to be a theme in my life right now as I am still in the mode of teaching my 20, 17, and 5 years that there are consequences to bad choices. In thinking about my habits, or bad habits as they are, I discovered that I am not a role model for making good choices 100% of the time myself. There is a lot to be said about who I am and my dedication to work ethic and achieving my goals, blah blah. However, when it comes to my health, I have some control that I do not exert. I do not always eat the right thing, I do not always exercise on a regular basis, and I do not always deal with stress in a healthy way. Does this make me unable to guide my children towards making good choices?

2010 : Day Two

2010-01-02T22:52:00.003-07:00

Well, if today is any indication of my year to come, we should label this the year of the ass because that is where I have spent my day. I would like to say that I have been reading one of the five books I would have liked to have had read before going back to work, or that I was studying for the CLEP test I need to take, but sadly no. I have been doing Princess word searches with Little, watching Disney movies, and mostly, playing Sorority Life on Facebook - which is really the most embarrassing activity to admit to. Day three should provide one hell of a migraine as I have eaten my weight in sugar today and have only scratched the surface on the amount of water needed in order to counteract said sugar. I am preparing to throw out all unhealthy foods on Tuesday morning, unless it finds its way into my mouth before then. I deserve the headache that will surely come and I should pray that I get through the night without throwing up. I have gotten into a habit during vacation that includes sleeping in, not running, not reading, and drinking lots of coffee. Oh Gawd, I fell off the wagon, it rolled over me, and has continued on to the next village. Damn - I need to go back to school and work!

2010 Day One

2010-01-01T08:58:00.002-07:00

Ahh, new car smell - or the promise of a fresh and clean new year. Either way, I love the smell of potential. Already this year holds some major changes for our family. Our oldest son will either get his act together at college or he will be asked to leave the university. Our middle son will graduate from high school and begin his college experience. Our Little will complete 1st grade. I will graduate from college and hope to move on to a MBA program. G will continue to work on his game and will probably finish it this year. We will decide where to live, we will stop paying the equivalent of a luxury car payment in child support while actually supporting the child ourselves - thus making double payments. My hope is that the unexpected that comes before us are happy surprises and not reactionary trials. I am tired of trials and character building events. We have had about 10 years of them and that will suffice.

So I have my educational goals, my professional goals associated with what I need to accomplish for the organization this year (and have nothing to do with a promotion in 2010), and my own personal goals. I need to regain control over my body this year. Thyroid levels up (or down, whichever way you look at them), my sugars down without medication, consistency in my exercise regime, and get the extra weight off of my body. I want to strengthen my core to protect my back from further injury.

That is all for now....

I Miss Wine & Coffee Talk

2009-12-30T20:59:00.002-07:00

I am a terrible friend. I came to that conclusion today in a couple of different ways. First of all, I have stopped going to my book club dinners. I really enjoyed them, but they seem to fall on weeks when I am bogged down by work or school. Secondarily, I talk to so many people during the day that I cannot muster additional conversations after I leave the office. My days are the same - Up at 5am, gym when I can get myself there, work, scramble to leave by 1630(and yes, I have to actually put that on my schedule with a reminder alarm), pick up Little, prepare & eat dinner, Little's homework, my homework, get her to bed, get whatever is necessary for the next day ready, and bed by 2100. If it is an event week or finals, there is always an additional level of demands on my time. If the kids have events or there is a holiday or a special project, additional complexity finds its way to me. I love my job and I love school, but I am a bad bad friend. I found out via her blog that someone I truly and genuinely adore is pregnant and I have missed the entire thing. In one of the books I am reading, it asks you to write your mission statement as a person and think about what would be said about you at your funeral. Would the people I love have known that I loved them and forgive my chaotic attempt at friendship? When school is over and I am just a working mother with time for wine and meaningful conversation, will my friends still be there ready to pick up where we left off?

The Sun Always Comes Through Eventually

2009-12-28T21:20:00.003-07:00

Our holiday has included food poisoning - not by my hand, my back going out, an intervention with our youngest son that included joining forces with G's ex-wife, getting concerning news about our oldest son, and my Bird going under the knife for a second time. Today, the clouds seemed to have lifted and the skies look clear for the remainder of the week. I took Little swimming today and we did laps, jumped off the diving board, and she went down the big girl slide. We had a blast followed by a couple of errands, lunch, a hot shower, and cuddles during a movie. There are days that will sit with you forever and this was one of them.

So in addition to the memorable parts of today, G and I had a semi-serious discussion about my health and his concerns. What he does not realize is that I have been thinking about this and have even written about my own concerns coming off my stay in bed. I need to make me a priority and need to do so with vigor. My back feels great after swimming today, but I miss running.

Christmas Disaster 2009 Chapter Two

2009-12-26T16:39:00.002-07:00

So I have been in bed for two days. I woke up at 3am Christmas Day needing to visit the potty. What I discovered was that I could not move and each time I tried, I was delivered a healthy blow of debilitating muscle spasms in my lower back. I had to cancel Christmas breakfast, which I had mostly prepared for 9 others, I spent all of 1/2 hour in front of the tree, after being helped down the stairs, and have been in bed ever since. Things are getting better, but I am miserable. First of all, I have spent two days in bed rather than playing with my Little, cooking, cleaning, or anything else I had planned for my days off.

There is a lesson here. I have taken my body for granted and I am both evil and hard on it. I will be 40 in a matter of a 2 1/2 years and I need to get my health under control well in advance of that event. I need to get my sugar levels under control, I need to get my thyroid levels under control, I need to get consistent with my diet and with my exercise and apparently, I need to work on strengthening my core so that my back can carry me through the holidays, celebrations, and my demanding everyday life.

Baking Disaster 2009

2009-12-24T17:01:00.003-07:00

Ok, so I thought I would try to be normal this year and do some holiday baking. I started yesterday and it went really well. Today was an entirely different story. There is cookie dough from the top to the bottom of my kitchen. Baking is not fun, not rewarding, and there are people for that. I am not one of them!

Updates, Updates, and more Updates!

2009-12-23T21:40:00.002-07:00

So where were we? Things got worse before they got to where they are today. I had to pull Little out of her after-school program in haste due to safety issues. I am not 100% sure of our option when school starts again. The good news is that she will start 1st grade when she goes back. Her tests schools were really good. I wanted her to progress and the Principal wanted to put her in the GT program. I won. Actually, Little won!

School is out for now and I am desperately waiting for my GPA to post and the candidacy application for graduation and news on my MBA application. I am applying for every scholarship I can find. I really need to pay for my current loans and have someone other than me pay for my Masters. I am interested in a Doctorate program and will have to take the GRE, get Executive letters of recommendations, and be ready to submit my application about this time next year.

I love my job and feel so much satisfaction from the challenges I face. I do miss my little bird, the hustle and bustle of the hospital, my old staff, and the emergency room. I guess I have come to realize that the higher I go, the less interaction I will have with the gemba. I have sent in a proposal to present at one of the industry conferences in May. I will be both excited and terrified if I am accepted as a speaker. I have many initiatives beginning in 2010 which will mean so much to the organization both culturally and financially.

My running is non-existent. I did really well until things with Little fell apart and she stopped eating and sleeping. My diet is getting better and I am focusing on water. I am on vacation right now and working hard at staying hydrated. I have done almost nothing in the past four days, with the exception of laundry, some housework, grocery and Christmas shopping, and some baking. So, ok, I guess I have gotten more done than I thought.

More Water

2009-10-14T19:56:00.002-06:00

So I have started going to the gym in the mornings and I worked a full day on Sunday. In proper fashion, I am running on empty, pushing hard, working 10 hours a day - at least, and fell hard to a migraine today. We are in the lecture phase of life on the home front with G more than annoyed with my compulsive behavior.

In addition, I am feeling like a failure as a mother in that I did not stay on top of the school and now we are in a planning phase with Little rather than a next step phase. My mother asked me when I was spending quality time with her based on my own hectic schedule. Really? Little is in dance on two hours on Monday, an hour on Wednesday, and swim lessons on Saturday. And she wants to talk about my schedule?

I love my job, I love my daughter, I love my husband, I love going to school - I just need to drink more water

Moving On

2009-10-07T19:47:00.000-06:00

So I have moved from the office I have shared with the two other supervisors for a year into my own private office in the adjacent building. I packed up my desk and left the building I have worked in for more than 20 months. The people I have seen every day, I will only see when I venture into the hospital. The team I built will get only a portion of my attention and once my position is back-filled, even less. I am moving forward and yet, I am drawn to the comfort of the past. My office is gray and drab and quiet. I have not yet made it my own and it is hot.

In addition to this emotional departure, I had to make a very hard decision this morning. One that I have not had to make in my tenure as a supervisor. I startled my staff and myself as well.

Tired

2009-10-03T20:04:00.002-06:00

So I am exhausted....I have started my new position this week, met with the Nurse Program Managers for the clinics I support, had my new role refined and re-defined, met with the Physician Director that I report to on a dotted line, inherited more staff, and had finals. I have a new office, one that I do not share with anyone, but I am not moved into it yet and will not be until Wednesday, so for now I am running here and there and everywhere. I have gained access to the entire system and I am in awe of why I was hired into this new role. My confidence is at an all time high and yet, I am so concerned with not being able to deliver everything I have been asked to deliver, especially in the time frame for which I have been aked for it.

In other news, the Director who accused me of misconduct and initiated the investigation of my actions was fired this week. To say that I am shocked is an under-statement. In fact, many of us are in complete shock. A couple of his charge nurses are gone as well. It dumb-founds me that people still think that in 2009 they can get away with manipulating or cheating a system.

The best of times, the worst of times.

2009-09-28T19:59:00.000-06:00

So I started my new job today and the old adage "be careful what you wish for" is true. My promotion has become bitter sweet in that I have received much in the way of responsibility and position, but have lost the staff that I have grown and adore. The very characteristics that make them so brilliant at emergency medical support, makes them unwilling and ill-suited to follow me. The best of times, the worst of time...

They Say Its Your Birthday

2009-09-25T21:53:00.000-06:00

Today I am 37. Yes indeed 37 years old and I feel satisfied with my life. I am madly in love with my husband and my daughter, my career is on the right path, and I am on track with finishing my degree and pursuing a Masters. I am not running like I should be and I have fallen completely off of my eating plan, but I am confident that I can pull that part together.

Today was Chloe's very first school dance and we went to it. There was lots of her running around with friends and girls screaming. After some time at the dance, we headed off to my friend's home for her graduation party. She has been working for two years to get her degree in culinary arts and is an accomplished chef. I am so proud of her and think she is brave.

The Luckiest Side Kick Of All

2009-09-24T22:42:00.001-06:00

So my wonderful director asked me to travel with her, the CIO and his Director, and the Director and Manager of Finance back east for a technical presentation for an application that we need to upgrade. We left on Tuesday and returned tonight. The experience was surreal. My boss, the PFS Manager, and I traveled together and were met by a car that took us to our hotel. I unpacked, did some homework, and then got ready for cocktails and dinner. Of course, we were taken to an extravagant multi-course meal and then off to bed. The following day, we were delivered our favorite Starbucks beverage and led through a detailed, multi-part presentation that included Vice-Presidents of this and Directors of that. Lunch was in the executive dining room both days and the information was plentiful. The best part was the amount of bonding we were able to do as representatives of our organization. I told my boss that out of all the side-kicks, I was the luckiest of all because I had her. It is so refreshing to have a mentor that is so down to earth, classy, and intelligent. She has nothing in the way of a self-serving agenda and feels successful when those under her are successful. The best part is that she allows mistakes to be learning opportunities. The only bad part of this trip is that I left my IPod on the plane coming home. I am hopeful that I get it back, but will I really?

From a Goldfish to a Starfish.....

2009-09-12T15:11:00.002-06:00

So I registered Little for swim lessons. She has never had formalized lessons and so I registered for the Level I class appropriate for her age. Apparently I am new because I should have known that my daughter would not be a fit in a Level I anything. So after her class, I had to re-register her and she ended up in Level III. In trying to be an organized Mommy, I registered her for three sessions and today had to re-register her for three sessions. You win some and you lose some!

Her ability to achieve is great, except that anything that she is not good at frustrates her to the point in which she does not like it. Reading is that for her right now.

What More could I Ask For???

2009-09-10T19:56:00.001-06:00

I love the way a plan comes together. Ok, so it was not really my plan to be the subject of an investigation, nor was it my plan to draw out the interview process, but to have them both resolved on the same day was more than I could ask for. I did not do anything wrong and that has been concluded. AND I got the job.

Ok, so let me clarify in that I was cleared on Wednesday and then learned that they are still digging around grasping for straws. I have let it go as I cannot control it.

Now, on for my job. I was promoted to a Manager position and start on September 27th, which is a Sunday - so actually the 28th. My last day as Supervisor is the 25th - my birthday. This is a bitter -sweet time for me in that I have worked hard and am so excited for this opportunity. On the other hand, I am so nervous to leave my staff. I genuinely enjoy them and think so highly of them. They have grown and learned and have taught me so much. I am grateful that they are who they are and know I will work with many of them again in the future.

Kate Gosselin is an Abusive, Selfish Narcissist

2009-09-08T19:35:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I have tried as I might to not get involved in the drama that is Jon & Kate plus 8, but at this point...Well, here we go and keep in mind, I am now TEAM JON.

I like Jon Gosselin, who looks like a hard-working young man, who keeps a low enough profile, and has made some very public mistakes. That being said, I am sure this man is acting out after being under the thumb of his over-demanding, shrilling, verbally abusive and self-centered wife. I did not watch the show on a regular basis because of her nonsense early on, but had I heard "HELLO" from that witch every single day, I would have snapped. Jon Gosselin has been made to pay in years for the nine months this woman carried those babies.

I find it ironic that in interviews, Kate says she does not know the man Jon had become because of all the changes. I do not recall the episode in which he showed off his plastic surgery, or got a slick new haircut. The very woman who says it is all about the kids is seen walking through the airport ahead of her brood, allowing nannies and security to heard them around. She is so controlling that the police had to respond when she could not control the decision Jon made in regards to a baby-sitter. From her interviews, I can tell thus far that she is not part of the women's club. She is going to be that ex-wife that all women despise and refer to when they say "I never want to be THAT woman". If she had any friends, they would tell her that she has gone off the reservation and though she may have started this adventure fr her children, she has now ruined her life and that of her children through her own attempt at 15 minutes of fame.

Some day, not too far in the future, the magazines will no longer sell and the show will be long since cancelled. Kate and Jon will be divorced and he will have moved on, finding a lovely woman that loves, respects, and wants a partner in Jon and enjoys the simplicity of playing with his children. Kate on the other hand, will grow old alone without a companion or friends. She has shown her true colors, made more nauseating by her self-appointed diva like status. She gives a whole new meaning to high maintenance, but unlike others in her category, she will eventually have very little money to make her palatable.

I Got Flowers

2009-09-07T16:26:00.004-06:00

So I have heard nothing about the investigation, I have heard nothing about a fourth interview, I have not started either one of my term papers, which are due in a week and a half, and I am not running. My sugars have only cone down by one tenth of a point and my thyroid levels are back to insufficient. The only good news is that the Rockies are doing well, football season is right around the corner, and my husband is wonderfully supportive of my erratic behavior. In fact, he sent me flowers last week in an effort to acknowledge my current stressors. That man deserves the world and more.....

Heart Attack in the making

2009-09-02T16:20:00.000-06:00

So, I have not run in a week and I am feeling anxious about the interview, money, my schedule, and oh my daughter, who has now moved to the other side of her father's truck, can get out of the car, and gets herself to class ALL BY HERSELF! I have taken my Talent phone interview and am awaiting an invitation for the fourth and final interview, which I have not yet received. I am taking a bunch of management training courses that I did not know I needed but must complete by the end of the year. A friend of mine resigned today and the circumstances are not black and white. The long and the short of it is that I am now subject of an investigation, that feels more like a witch hunt than an actual investigation. In fact, employee services has contacted my boss wanting to talk about potential actions against me and ha not asked one question about my involvement. Can you really call that type of behavior investigatory?

Road Trip

2009-08-26T16:16:00.000-06:00

So I have been asked to accompany my Director, the PFS Director, the CIO and his team, and a few others to the east coast the week of my birthday to meet with the company that is our patient database vendor. I am so excited to have been asked and feel like it is a sign of my worth to the future state of the Revenue Cycle Department. Of course, any additional time I can spend learning from my Director is time well spent!

Slow down and speed up

2009-08-25T16:09:00.000-06:00

So I was a finalist for the Manager position and will be taking the phone-interview this week. I am hoping they make a decision by the 11th -ugh.

Little has decided that she is a big girl and would like for G to drop her off in the "Kiss & Go" lane at school. So this would require that we move her booster chair to the other side of his SUV, disable the child locks, and well, let her get herself into the school. G has talked Little into moving one step at a time for Mommy- who is just plainly not ready for any of this!!

Little Goes to School

2009-08-24T15:57:00.000-06:00

So, G and Little talked me into public school and today is the first day. I am so bi-polar on this one because as proud and excited I am for Little, I am equally anxious, nervous, hesitant. I had a melt down last night after getting her backpack ready with extra pontail holders, emergency band-aids, and her water bottle. G commented that the bag was bigger than she was and that was all it took to reduce me to tears. We took Little to school and walked her to class and without a single tear, I left her. Now, keep in mind that her new teacher is the same woman she had for Pre-school at her old school. I sat in the Starbucks closest to her school and did my own homework and had lunch with a friend. I spent the remainder of my afternoon in my car in the school parking lot and hiding behind a tree so that I could watch the procedure for getting her to the after-school program. My Little had a fabulous 1st day!!

Two of Four?

2009-08-19T15:53:00.000-06:00

So I interviewed for a possible promotion today. It was actually my second interview as the 1st was with my boss and this one was with a panel. Promotions are interesting within my organization because a candidate must apply and compete with others for a position regardless of how deserving they are. So it is a promotion within my department and I am the only candidate within my department in the running and yet, I must compete with two others who have never worked in my area. However, I feel confident and will find out next week if I am going to move to the next interview, which will be the third of four. Stay tuned!

For A Libra, My Scales Don't Balance!

2009-08-11T20:27:00.003-06:00

I am side-lining myself this week due to a back injury. I am fairly confident that the root cause is stress, but the physical debilitation is there. And oh yes, I am stressed. In fact, I am keeping things in check pretty well for all that is running through my mind. I am ready to get back to running, but can barely walk and I have so many deadlines. My Little Bird reminded me this morning that I am sub-par at my commitment to delegate. Of course he is right, but I am so lost right now - actually, the correct term would be buried. I am so buried right now. I am also the primary candidate for blame and resentment. One of my colleagues is walking a fine line and may lose his job at the end of the month. He is sure this is my doing, however, he has been complacent for so long and just coasting at the expense of the organization, it just amazes me that he is so beyond his ability to take responsibility.

I took for granted my ability to skate through previous terms and now it looks like I am going to get my ass kicked for the next eight weeks. I want to say that I have found balance and I really hope that I have - I sure need it now!

Where Did August Come From?

2009-08-10T19:53:00.003-06:00

So I am in trouble for not blogging more often, so here I am again. I have been sucked into the Twilight series, or I should say that I had gotten sucked into the Twilight series, read all four books, watched the movie, and then downloaded it onto my iPod - ok and I have watched it twice since doing that. I turned my nose up when it was suggested that I should read and would love these books,but I have to say, I LOVED THESE BOOKS. Apparently there are t-shirts that say Team Jacob and Team Edward. So from an actor point of view, I am attracted to neither given that they are like 12 yrs old and I have a penchant for older men. That being said, the old fashioned style, mannerisms, and look place me on Team Edward, or I suppose Team Carlisle. I know - silly.... Ok seriously, the scene at prom when he kisses her neck makes me nearly burst into flames.

On the running front, I still suck, but am still at it. I am getting frustrated that my weight is not decreasing, but I am losing inches all over. I keep getting the "your building muscle" explanation, but seriously, I am gettng frustrated and nearly pissed. I am also not drinking enough water and not eating right and so that is what I should be pissed about. But it is hot and I hatre to eat when I am hot. What this equates to is that I am not eating enough meals a day.

Work is keeping me so busy that I cannot stay on top of any of it. The whole department is changing and I am very excited about what is happening, but on the other side of that, I have a lot to do to get the ship sailing in the right direction. Careful what you wish for right, well, that is where I am right now. I am also in the process of interviewing for a promotion that I really really want. I should know by the end of this month and hope hope hope that I am the choice. Careful what you wish for though right??

2009-07-30T06:16:00.001-06:00

So I am nearing the end of week one of my two week break. That being said, I should have more posts than I do. Except that I got sucked into Twilight and finished the book in four days. I have to admit I started it out of peer pressure and could not put it down. I just know that the next four cannot be as good but I am hopeful. I have commuted by foot three days this week and that has been frought with ups and downs. I have to present to a roomful of Friday and am all in my head and unprepared for that. Just another day in the life of me.....

2009-07-28T05:36:00.001-06:00

So it is 0534 and I am on the lightrail headed towards a run. I am tired and nervous. There has been so much going on, but I feel to tired to go into it right now. Just know I am still here.

When Did I Start Planning For A Future?

2009-07-09T21:09:00.002-06:00

I led a miserable life as a teenager. My parents were alcoholics and spent most of their time at the local watering hole, cheating on one another, or causing some sort of drama in our lives. Like any other mal-adjusted teenage girl, I lost myself in my friends drinking, going to parties, getting into trouble, and ditching school. I lived day to day not considering that I would live beyond the walls of high school as several of my friends had already been killed in one fashion or another. When I started college, I had buried my baby daughter and was just going through the motions, not really caring if I had a future or not. I got married in the same hapless fashion in which I did everything up until that point in my life and moved to Phoenix. For 3 1/2 years, I had come and gone from one undergrad program to another, desperately wanting to be a Doctor. Unfortunately, I had not been given the tools by my parents, my experiences, or my new husband to develop and maintain a healthy self-esteem that would carry me through such a challenging path. It is now years later (I was separated in 1997 and divorced in 1998) and I am a totally different person than I was then. I have married a man that has supported my pursuit of my own identity, my own stability, and to find a way to end the cycle of dysfunction. I have gained everything I need to know that I deserve anything and everything I am willing to work for and have what it takes to grab the bull by the horns. To that end, I am so close to the completion of my undergraduate degree and went to an Open House providing information for an MBA with Health care Management. I am so very excited and nervous, but confident that I have what it takes to obtain a Masters degree. When I say that G has loved me back to health, I truly mean this man has dedicated the last several years to giving me all the time, space, and support in finding my own legs to stand on. I love you and am so grateful for the way you love me. If I was supposed to climb these hills to get to this place, then it was worth it.

Seriously?

2009-07-08T20:23:00.002-06:00

So I received the news today that I passed the certification exam I took in Las Vegas during the conference. I am genuinely surprised, not because I did not have faith in myself, but because I did not study enough and was exhausted the morning I took it. I am so unbelievably thrilled with myself for so many accomplishments: I am 6 months from being awarded my undergraduate degree, I have successfully sat for my CHAA and CHAM within a year apart, I have been promoted twice, have applied for promotions and accepted the results, and now I am trying to take care of myself through eating right, exercising, and loving myself enough to know what I need. I have surrounded myself with people who genuinely love and appreciate me, distanced myself from toxic behavior, and feel nothing for those who were not brave enough to love me. I am happy and lovely and smiley and giggly and passing all that I have on to those who do not have any other resources for it. I am good.

2009-07-08T05:41:00.001-06:00

I am struggling this week. I am tired but cannot sleep, the heat is preventing me from getting faster, and I cannot seem to stay hydrated. Not a symptom but on my mind is family. My in-laws have left, I just finished reading Without A Map, and Little Bird is dealing with a critically ill mother in law or at least her crazy ass family. It is amazing what long term affect the 18 years at home will have on a person. The differences between parenting is mind numbing and the book has aggetated me.

2009-07-07T05:44:00.001-06:00

So vacation is over, my in-laws are gone, and I a back on the train this morning. I feel heathy, tired, but healthy. The heat is starting to get to me and I am nervous about getting dehydrated on my way back in the afternoons. Then I have two consecutive weeks of events that will take me out of my routine. This all sounds whiny and complainy and I truly love my life.

2009-06-25T05:36:00.001-06:00

So this is going to sound much crankier than I really am, but my body aches, I am still coughing mucus from my chest, I cannot sleep, and when I do I have nightmares about being mean to Little - which I am not. There is so much going on that I could be more affected by than I realize, but you would think that the running would help soothe my mind. Maybe it is time for me to lay on my Little Bird's couch for some mind shrinking?

2009-06-24T16:19:00.001-06:00

So I applied for a promotion today. It is for a newly created job within my own department doing exactly what I would love to do. I am confident I would be a good fit, but am not cocky nor take for granted that I will be the choice. I really really want it though!

2009-06-24T05:35:00.001-06:00

So I almost decided to just drive to work today. I don't have coffee coming, my chest is full of crap I am coughing up, my body is sore, and I have the beginnings of a headache. Not to mention that I have off-site meetings that require me to rely on others for transportation. But then I thought, Tough Stuff-get over it. If I allow myself one inch, I will at some point try to take a mile. It is 3 days a week, suck it up Sally. And I did....

2009-06-23T05:48:00.001-06:00

So I am on the lightrail this morning, nervous about my two legged commute because I have the nagging cough originating in my chest that indicates an infection. My house is full of family, which is great, however, so is their need for my attention. I am slightly panicked as I have a lot going on with school this week, including midterms. The positive, if there is one is that I look close to graduating. This is so exciting for me and I am really looking forward to the next step, which is an MBA.

This past weekend Little, G, and I traveled about an hour and a half away for G's 1st 10K and Little's first mile race. We stayed in a hotel, swam, had dinner, and just had a great time as a little family. I was thinking last night that I am starting to become all the things I liked about my ex-husband's family, without all their hypocracy and issues. It is sweet to be in this place of acceptance and contentment. It is because of Little and G that I feel so whole and complete. I needed someone to love me unconditionally and invest their heart and soul into mine. I have traveled a long road to make it here and to overcome the shadows of which I once resided. It is good to be me.

2009-06-17T05:40:00.001-06:00

Oh my....I am not sleeping. I woke up from a heavy sleep well rested and raring to go. Problem is? It was 1am. Ugh. So I did go to bed at 8:30 because I was so tired I could not read my course material, but still. So this is the thing, the more exercise I get, the less sleep I need. I had to get new inserts for my shoes because my feet are starting to complain. While I was in the shoe shop, they told me it is time to start tracking my mileage so that I know when to replace my shoes. Holy cow- don't they know I am just practcing to be a runner right now?

2009-06-16T16:20:00.001-06:00

I am still plugging away. My only complaint is that I am not drinking enough water and in danger og getting dehydrated. Today was my last fat girl support meeting at work and it feels bitter sweet. The psychology residents are leaving and a new group will take over in the Fall. I am not sure I need this outlet any longer, though I am immensly grateful for the motivation and the catalyst afforded to me as a first step. I will never forget this group of residents!

2009-06-15T16:22:00.001-06:00

So I try to live my life conscious that there are lessons in every person that comes into your life and that there are opportunities abound. I also believe that lessons will repeat until learned. I was called defensive, rude, and a dictator by someone I was apologizing to and would not allow me to finish any of my sentances. I talked to my boss as I was not feeling like a shining example of leadership. She reminded me that my response and attempt was a good example of leadership. It is not always our first response that defines us, but how we continue to respond. I was fortunate enough to remember that when talking to my bird about his preferred response to my colleague.

2009-06-15T05:44:00.001-06:00

So it is 0530 and I am back on the lightrail. Although I ran/walked to work 3 times last week and it is only 1.5 miles each way, I feel anxious or nervous or something. On another note, I am back to not sleeping through the night thanks to all the exercise. So now I am yawning. Oh I need a latte. Thank God for the litle bird that stops on his way to work each day to get my Tall Skinny Vanilla Latte, NO Foam! Thank you little bird!

2009-06-10T16:13:00.001-06:00

As a pedestrian, I am amazed at the number of people who do not make any attempt to get out of the way of emergency response vehicles. One day they will be in need and will finally understand!

2009-06-10T05:47:00.001-06:00

So I have started forcing myself to run everyday. I am riding the lightrail from my suburb to the stop that is about 2 miles from work. So at 5:34 am, I get on and get off at 5:51 and begin my run/walk combo. All of my clothes for the week are at work, as are my toiletries, shoes, and breakfast. Uber organized, I know. This is my third day and although I am sore, I am so proud that I have found such a clever way to get 4 miles a day of exercise. I feel great and energize.....

2009-05-30T12:24:00.001-06:00

Tired, Homesick, Sick to my stomach, ugh-Vegas

2009-05-30T00:04:00.001-06:00

Someone I don't know said something so profound and suitable, that she could have been speaking to me directly and personally. "There is a point in which grief becomes absurd". The great lengths I have gone through to grieve various parts of my life and the abuse I have tolerated from myself is, well...absurd. The universe brings you what you need or what you need to hear.

2009-05-29T15:43:00.001-06:00

I have had friends my entire life, some better than others, but always I have easily made friends. It has taken 36 years, but I feel great about allowing my friends to love and support me unconditionally. They are the family I chose or who have chosen me. Much like my husband, who has loved me through my growth and maturity, so have my friends. Until now, I did not thoroughly understand that I can be loved without a self serving motive.

2009-05-28T12:28:00.001-06:00

I am missing my daughter's kindergarten graduation today and it is breaking my heart. I want to celebrate every milestone for her and to make up for those that were stolen from me through the death of Mackenzie. I am so proud of my girl and hope she feels that every day, no matter her choices. I am going through some things with my own mother that reinforce my need to do my relationship with Little so differently. Part of why I am missing her event is in an effort to create the woman I know my daughter will need me to be. Everything I do is for myself, my husband, and my Little and I feel so satisfied being a Threesome. Being away from them makes me less than whole in my heart and soul.

2009-05-27T09:50:00.001-06:00

In Vegas and getting ready to take a certification exam. I am trying to let go of the outcome and be present. Oddly, I am looking forward to running outside, although it will be hot. There is something about purging toxins through sweat that appeals to me.

2009-05-14T21:37:00.001-06:00

I shit the bed...Ok, not literally! I have a massive headache. I've eaten like crap & lots of it. I deserve this damn headache. I need to stop this...it is finals!

May Has Already Made Me Tired

2009-05-11T19:49:00.002-06:00

Ok, so May is a disaster for me. My right hand man has been on vacation and my left hand has been out with pneumonia. I worked 11 days in a row and got batty! Finals are this week and then I have to study for a certification exam that I am taking in Vegas on May 27th. So, I will spend Memorial Weekend packing as I leave on the 26t, and studying as I have to have 80% to pass the test. School starts again the first week of June, my new boss starts June 1st, and my in-laws are coming. No, I am not back to running and yes, I suck - but I am still losing weight. I get my numbers checked again on Monday and will update the news, though it usually takes a week.

Cast Away

2009-05-04T20:30:00.003-06:00

I have not gone away and I am not done with my journey. I am, however, working every day due to unfortunate circumstances and allowing my favorite person to take a damn vacation.
I am also trying to finish this quarter successfully. I have finals next week. I am also trying to study for a certification exam I am taking on May 27th in Las Vegas. I am also trying to getting healthy, sleep enough, eat right, and not lose my mind. Ok, maybe I have gone away a little, but I will be back. Promise!

2009-04-23T08:51:00.001-06:00

The right people in the right place at the right time using the right process equates to the right solution.

2009-04-22T10:22:00.001-06:00

I am having an interesting week on so many levels. Because it is an event week, a real post will have to wait.

Too High, Too Low

2009-04-20T20:10:00.003-06:00

So, last week I went back to the doctor to get my labs drawn again. Today, I found out that the numbers have not moved. I have eaten right, I have started exercising again, I am taking all of my medication and still those freaking numbers have not moved. My sugar is still too high and my thyroid is still too low. I'm throwing a damn fit. If it does not matter if I eat right or not, then I want some onion rings and pasta and a chili dog and a chocolate shake and a Pepsi. Seriously.

G continues to remind me that I am losing weight, even though Dr. Genius says I should not be with my thyroid levels as low as they are and that I should stay the course. UGH! So let's focus on the 15 pounds and 8 inches I have lost thus far - I guess!

There is always next week.....

2009-04-17T20:49:00.003-06:00

So, as you can see, I have figured out how to send mini updates via my mobile device and will do so, as long as you do not expect me to post yards and yards of my brilliance via text. Just not happening. But that explains the short posts without title.

My week is over and I could not be happier. Next week is an event week and so I am off campus and no where near my department. So the thing is that I love my staff - well most of my staff and two of my colleagues are great. Unfortunately, this happiness is over shadowed by the half wits that I spend too much time arguing with over really stupid decisions. So maybe it is just me, but when you take a position in management in any organization, the objective is to make the best decisions for the business as a whole and not for your tiny island unto its own. It is to look at things from a wider lens and not run your own agenda. I am just saying.....

So, I went back to the doctor this week and things seem like they may not be completely resolved yet. I am also feeling easily aggravated and frustrated, but of course, it could be my professional environment too. Stay tuned for more craziness......

2009-04-14T21:05:00.001-06:00

It hurts my soul when my daughter cries- especially when she is having nightmares!

Boobs and Hair

2009-04-14T20:24:00.002-06:00

Even though I am a pretty private person when it comes to my own weight loss journey (well ok, in person), the fact that I am getting smaller everyday does not escape the people I see on a daily basis. Even more so, there are people who see me every other day or so and those people can really see a difference. Unfortunately, I have gone to that place in my head where I am no longer losing weight and am instead gaining it all back and then some. I know, crazy.

Anyhow, I have been asked by a couple of the men if my husband is the jealous type and what kind of reaction he is having to my losses. My husband is not the jealous type in that he knows I am dedicated to our marriage and am in the best place with him possible. The thing he always says when we talk about this is that men pay attention to me now because I have a dynamic personality and am what he describes as flirty and I classify as friendly. Of course, I would not know someone was flirting or interested in me unless they hit me over the head with something. Not that it matters since I am in love with my husband and no one has ever loved me as well as he has. He has loved me back to health.

The other interesting thing is that I have a lot more weight to lose - I mean a lot more. There are men out there that like a curvy woman and Hispanic men seem to fall into this category. So I have one man who is very concerned that I am going to lose too much weight and lose the parts that make me a girl. I laugh at this because even at my thinnest, I was nothing more than boobs and hair - after all, it was the 80's.

Updates

2009-04-12T20:06:00.002-06:00

So I thought I would update a bit as I am all over the place lately. First off, we have not heard from the school district regarding Little's test. This frustrates me quite a bit in that, 1) we are anxious to hear what they have to say and 2) we need to plan our next move whether she passed or not. I have gotten several comments regarding the required 98% passing grade. The consensus is that it is ridiculous, but as this is a brand new program for the district, they are grasping at straws. I have left a message and intend on calling the Superintendent next week to discuss the lack of communication and the experience we have had thus far.

Next on the list is the search for my new boss. The candidate we interviewed last week is not being considered by my organization and we are on to the next candidate - who we will interview this week. This whole process is tiring and I just need some stability in my department. I also need some mentoring and some growth opportunity, which I am not getting.

On to my weight, I neither gained nor lost weight this week and feel like I am wholly responsible for the stall in that I have not followed my program to the letter. I have eaten out a bunch this week and probably have had more sugar & salt than I needed to consume. To be perfectly honest, I ate some ice cream - and felt like crap afterwards. In staying with the theme of things I did not do well this week, my exercise routine was not existent - with the exception of a nice walk on Friday. I need to swim and walk and bike if I really want to be considered for the Tri for the Cure.

A Rocking Day

2009-04-10T18:16:00.003-06:00

Welcome Back Boys of Summer! And what a welcome it was for our own Colorado Rockies. Ah, I love baseball and one day, one day I will have a seat at Opening Day. Not that I have ever tried to get tickets for Opening Day, but one day soon, I will have the inkling to want to sit for that first game and watch my Rockies start off their season. Interestingly enough, most of the men I have loved in my life have played baseball - in fact, there are only two exceptions. More than any other sport, I love to be there. This year, no beer, no hot dogs, no peanuts - but no matter. It's all about the game.

In other news, Little was a pill today. Not sure what her deal was, except that someone must have paid her off to make me crazy. She never acts like this, so when she does, it is just overly painful and frustrating. I planned a day of breakfast, a walk, Starbucks, and the library. Ok, so all of that happened, but not smoothly. Breakfast was fine. Then I had the audacity to ask the child to pick up her room while I got dressed for our walk. Didn't happen, but there were tears. The walk consisted of her riding her bike and stopping every time she thought she was going to fast and then struggling to start again. Ok, off to Starbucks, where hot chocolate was not enough, she wanted to argue about having a cookie and threw a little fit. I should have taken the clue and whisked her home, but no, off to the Library where she refused to look at books, refused to sit down and read the books I got, and threw a rather loud fit all the way to the car. At home, she got lunch and a nap - which of course, she did not take, singing in her bed for an hour and a half instead. So, in the end, you win some and you lose some.

The Hunt for.....

2009-04-09T20:18:00.002-06:00

So the hunt for my next boss continues. We interviewed a candidate yesterday who was nice enough, but not the "right stuff". I was having a conversation with my colleague who was asking me why I felt that way. To be perfectly honest, I did not think the candidate had anything to offer me, to which my colleague responded "Who does?" So this got me thinking. There are people who inspire me. They make me want to be a better person. To learn more and to make better decisions. Not because I am not interested in doing those things naturally, but because I do not have all the answers, nor is anyone asking me the questions that make me grow. I am capable of being impressed. I am capable of being inspired. I am capable of growing and gaining and moving outside of my own comfort zone so that I can move outside of my current capabilities and expand my experience. The hunt continues......