What was I thinking?

I am getting ready to go to bed. I am competing in the Tri for the Cure tomorrow and have to be there before 6am. I am very nervous and have had a busy day today, so at least I am tired enough for bed at 8:30pm. Wish me luck....more to come

I get so upset when I feel like people I know and respect/like, etc. are wronged. Case in point, someone I see almost daily and have for the past couple of years has seperated from her husband. I am not ready to talk about why, but she is now trying to get past this trial while working a full-time job and caring for their two young children. Doesn't this speak to the strength of women? well, yes, but doesn't it also get back to the fact that men get to choose to be Dads while women have no choice but to raise their children. My husband and I argue about abortion to the point that it is not a topic of discussion in our household. In fact, the last time we honestly talked about our positions was in 2002 and I had my suitcase in hand.

In my opinion, until men are 100% responsible for any children produced by their sperm or find themselves giving birth, abortion is not a subject they should or can weigh in on. It is a gender specific policy that does not get to be debated by a government that is still run by men as a majority. I get the whole life at conception argument. I do not agree with this as a decision when there are so many other options. That being said....At the end of the day, this is between the mother, her family, and her God. No one knows what is best for her, certainly not some broke dick man who at the end of the day, is just going to leave.

My "Little" Wants a Baby Sister

How do you explain to a 3 yr old that she is not going to get a Baby Sister. Especially when she says, "Please, I will be a really good girl and share my toys, please Mommy I want to be a sister". To which I answer that she is already a sister though her brothers are 15 & 18, which I full well know, does not count. So being the clever sort that she is she says "I don't want to be the baby anymore". Ok, then we will call you our big girl. None of this is helping and I just cannot come out and say that Daddy has had a vasectomy and cannot have anymore children, plus he is almost 45 and just too damn old to having more children. Add to that the fact that I did not want to have children, but am blessed to have her in my life. How do you explain that. So I simply and stupidly said "I am very happy to have had Mackenzie and now you, so really you have had a sister and are still the baby." My darling creature looked at me and said "Mackenzie was a baby sister, but she is dead with the angels. We need a new baby in your tummy." So at this point I say "Go ask Daddy!" Good Luck with that one honey!!

My brother is not married and does not have any children that he knows about. I have had one unsuccessful marriage and am on marriage number two. There are days I am more successful than others and keeping Juarez in my head probably makes for a crowded bed at times.
The thing I cannot understand is why my brother and I see relationships as disposable items. That is not true for all relationships either. He and I both stay in the relationships we have had since middle/high school, but do not do so well with the bonds we have formed as adult. My parents have been married for 35 years, though they were insanely unhappy for many of those years. Now I think they are co-dependant, but that is a whole new entry. Just things I am thinking about right now!

Nasty Boys

I do not have much today - but I have an office moment that damn near made me snort today.
My colleague, Tom, turned around and said "Why would Michael Jackson go from a black man and become a white woman?" Random! I am still giggling.

Intuition and Skid Row

There are two books I read everyday because they are date affiliated. One of them being "More Language of Letting Go - 366 New Daily Meditations" by Melody Beattie. July's theme is Learn To Say How It Feels. The meditation for July 28th is Turn the Switch On focusing on intuition. This is a timely subject as I am in my head right now about making good decisions. When was the last time I made a good decision rather than just a decision and can I trust myself to make a good decision? So I am caught up in the fact that there is something wrong with me and the way I react, think, walk through life unconscious, etc. Here is the insightful little tid bit thrust at me on July 28th:

Many of us have turned off our intuition switch, our sense of knowing the truth. We may have turned it off when we were children, because our parents lied to us. Or we may have turned the switch off later on in life to be in relationship to people who were lying to themselves and us. Our inner voice, our sense of knowing the truth, had to be turned off in order for us to remain in the situation.

My answer is Yes & Yes and there are many examples of how I lost it, so now how do I find it. The exercise from my book requires me to meditate and see myself in a closet turning my intuition switch on. Um, no. Let's think about a better way to garner the same results. As for now, I do not have an answer, but I am looking for one.

Embarrassingly enough - when I work around the house I listen to - wait for it - Arena Rock! So I heard the song "I remember you" by Skid Row. So the long hair was a bit much, the make-up a tad frightening, and we will not even go to the place that allows grown men to maneuver their package into spandex. But I must say, these hair band guys were romantic and dramatic and they play right into the fantasy land that at times I live in. Here are the lyrics:

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and Id think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through
I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
Id stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

Chorus: Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
Id wanna hear you say - I remember you

We spend the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said I love you babe, without a sound
I said Id give my life for just one kiss
Id live for your smile and die for your kiss

We've had our share of hard times
But that's the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you'll never be lonely
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away cause you'll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you

And I cannot get my mind off of the person I associate this song (and a couple more) with. Does anyone else have this problem? Or am I on my own Planet Crazy?

A Letter To My Little

I am going to a baby shower tonight for one of the executives in our office. It is really the first baby shower I have been to since I had my "Little". She is also having a girl and it has brought out a sentimentality that rivals any sentimentality that I have had about my daughter thus far.

I went to Babies R Us and realized how fast she became 3 years old - an No, it was not within three year, it just could not have been. Now I am looking at the baby shower card that I am about to sign and it reads:

Having a daughter means loving more than you knew you could love.

It means giving more than you knew you could give.

It means receiving so much more in return.

Having a daughter means knowing that whatever else you did or didn't do,

you gave the world something beautiful.

There are so many things I want to say to my daughter, though she will not understand for years to come. She is the best gift I have ever received. She is my greatest accomplishment.

She is the best of me and non of the worse of me. My letter to her would look like this:

Dear Baby Girl,

The moment I laid my eyes on you the world stopped for a matter of seconds. Once I brought you home time sped up and got away from me. Before I knew it you were rolling, crawling, walking, running. Together we grow and I am learning all the things my parents never taught me, including patience and tolerance, laughter and silliness, and most of all, unconditional love. Darling, please be patient with me as I try to be the most genuine mother to you and though I cannot be your friend until I have done my job as your parent, know that I am looking forward to the evolution of our relationship. You are my brightest sunshine and most brilliant rainbow. You inspire me, educate me, and make me reach deep within myself for success. I am proud of you everyday and hope that together we grow into strong, confident, self-assured, healthy women that rise and set with true happiness in our hearts.

With Love From Your Mother.

Living with a Narcissist

I called my mother to let her know that "Little" was coming over on Saturday to spend the night. Unfortunately, that little task established a window for her to ask about my life so that she could criticize, give unsolicited advice, and revel in the fact that she is on higher ground than I at his particular moment. And can I tell you, she had no idea that 1) it was my wedding anniversary and 2) that I have been married for four years. Anyhow. Let's discuss.

My mother is one of those people who has ailments of various kinds, depending on how much attention she will garner from it. Case in point, when I was in high school, and at the height of her alcoholism, she would come home from the bar before my father and sit on the couch smoking cigarettes and crying. In reality she was crying because she was drunk, Dad would not come home when she wanted him to come home, and I think at that point she knew he was sleeping with her friends, but her story was that she had bleeding ulcers and the doctors said she could die. I actually felt guilty because I thought well, if you are going to die, please just do it so that I can have some peace. Actually, come to think of it, I am not sure I felt guilty about my feelings then.

Now, at the age of 56, she is too old for anything she does not want to do and instead of saying she does not want to do it, she just says she is too old and too tired. So I make sure I keep that in my pocket so that I can throw it out at her anytime she thinks she wants to do something in relation to my daughter that I do not want her to do. Works both ways Mother.

The other thing to know about Dear old Mom is that she does not want her children to be happier, smarter, more successful than she. My husband and I bought a very large house in 2003 that we built with every upgrade that the builder offered, including the largest lot in the neighborhood. Business was good and we had some family issues on his side that led us to believe that we would need room for a parent, plus we had the two boys to consider. Well it is 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms and sits on 17,000 square feet. The landscaping has cost us more than we will have to pay for the boys to go to college, including room & board, and we still have 1/3 of the yard incomplete. So, it is time consuming, costly, and now that the boys are in high school, too big for the three of us. We called G's parents and said, we are selling the house because of and laid out what I described in my previous statement. They said (and mind you that they are in their 70's, on a fixed income, and he is the only one with retirement), are you two ok, we know you love that house, are you in financial trouble, can we send money, etc. Supportive! My mother said, well I told you not to buy a house that big/expensive and you are not going to sell it in this market at that price and trying to keep it clean during the sales process is so hard, but we have all had to do it. You know when I was - blah blah blah.........
You get the idea.