Catch Up in 200 words or less

Where do I start? I have stopped running, swimming, exercising. I am consumed with my MBA, work, my family, and the losses we have sustained this past year. I have just started the 7th class of 12 in my graduate degree and am looking forward to graduating next year. Thanks to a bout of premature peri-menapause, I was placed on hormones, which made me crazy and all girly. After nine months and several pounds, I have stopped taking them. The concern is that I am too young for menopause, but I am too young to feel insane also. In January, we had to put our beloved Gunther to sleep as he began suffering from cancer, which he was diagnosed with the last week in December. G, Little, and I were thrust into a deep, dark depression that took us weeks to resolve. In addition, Little began to have issues with her after school situation and so I pretty much threw an ultimatum at my boss. The result was that I changed my hours at work to 0530-1430, which means I am getting up at 0400 and in theory, going to bed at 2000. The problem is that I still do not sleep well, causing all kinds of issues. I am still suffering from headaches - though I am on a new medication that has two side-effects: drowsiness & weight-loss. I have only been taking it for a couple of days, but I cannot find a down side just yet. Little is much better after months of Mommy after-school and is going through interview after interview for private school in the Fall. Mommy is looking forward to school being out and Little going to camp so that she can sleep until 0500 or 0600 and not go to bed before the neighborhood kids.

I am a voyer in that I look at the pictures of my beautiful friend's baby boy and feel ashamed that I do not know him. I feel ashamed that I do not run and that I am in my own way. I want to run and yet, I cannot get out of my own way. I have put on so much weight over the past year and I can no longer resolve what part of that is me and what part of that is meds, hormones, excuses, etc.

I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I have had anything to say! It has been a challenging year and I would have liked to have had something to look back upon and feel accomplished for making it through. My beloved Gunther dog passed in January from an aggressive form of cancer, throwing us all into a deep, dark depression. My cat died in February of old age. As of now, I am more than half way through my Masters degree, hoping I made the right choice given the sacrifices my friends, my family, and I have and continue to make.

So Out of Character

So I did something completely out of character and I packed up the family, drove to South Dakota, and spent a weekend away. It was G's birthday and so I signed him up for a 7 mile trail run in Spearfish, SD to make him feel empowered. Well, the definition of trail run in Spearfish is different than what we in Colorado call a trail run. My poor husband ran through the finish line after climbing Look-Out Mountain, which he nearly fell off, gashing his leg in the mean time. Happy Birthday and I love you honey! After showers and lunch, we made our way to Mount Rushmore. The sky was blue, the day was beautiful, and the patriotism was remarkable. I have seen it before, but not like this and not with Little & G. It is hard to imagine how 400 people could create such a remarkable monument to 4 of the greatest men who lived. Moving back toward Spearfish, we made a detour through Bear Country, a drive through animal sanctionary. It was incredible to have these mighty animals as close as they were. We saw elk, deer, wolves, buffalo, and so many bears. They just roam around and sniff your car and play in their own environment. We walked through the Babyland and saw the newest additions.

With our day nearly done, we headed off to Deadwood for a wine tasting (I bought several bottles) and G's birthday dinner. We had an amazing time and want to do more of these. Our cell phones did not work, making the entire weekend all about the three of us - just the way we like it.

August is the month for Angels

On August 25, 1990 I gave birth to a baby girl. A month later, I turned 18. A month after that, I buried my daughter who died at 2 months and 4 days old from a rare disorder that attacked her intestines. There is nothing as devastating as burying a child. I remember this as I discover that the beautiful little girl who died in Grand Junction over the weekend was the daughter of someone I knew before my life was permanently altered. I cannot remember what anyone said to me while I mourned and I cannot imagine what anyone could say to someone during such a devestating time in their lives. All I can say is that my heart breaks for the family. That I hope they find peace and comfort in something that provides some sort of solace.

Cannot

I cannot sleep and so here I am and I cannot write. I have been working a lot and school keeps me busy and I am walking almost regularly and I cannot sleep.

Pimples, PMS, & The Pill.....

So, I have been pretty up and down these past few weeks, though you would not know it since I am still not writing on a regular basis. Somehow, I have lost my focus, my drive, and my "yes" around my job and have allowed the worst of the worst get into my head. I have allowed these demons to impart their drama into my daily life, leading me to chase my tail - which I hate to do! Luckily, I have two of the very best mentors in the whole world and they have worked extra hard to keep me level. I think I have to assign some of my craziness to the fact that I, at 37 years old, am back on THE pill. So now I am taking medication to counter my blood sugar, replace my dead thyroid,and keep my girl parts in working order. FABULOUS! Did I mention that my face is also breaking out like a 16 yr old girl while PMSing? Fun, Fun.....

So I have stopped writing. Literally and figuratively. I went to browse Barnes and Noble killing time while Little was in dance and found some beautiful journals. I bought her one and was looking for some pens for us, then realized, I do not write anymore. My life revolves around technology -iPhone, iPad, laptop, desktop, and the piece I turn my nose up at, my pager. I type and click and even now, I blog using my text message function. I have surrounded myself with technology in an attempt to make my life easier and instead, I fill each hole with more tasks. But I have stopped writing, allowing my thoughts to enter and flee in random fashion without any remorse. I just let them go as quickly as they came. This is how I feel about running. I have stopped, totally stopped. No running or walking or Jazzercise or Biggest Loser or Wii. I refuse, adamently refuse. I do so like I am phobic to it and without knowing why.