So I am nearing the end of week one of my two week break. That being said, I should have more posts than I do. Except that I got sucked into Twilight and finished the book in four days. I have to admit I started it out of peer pressure and could not put it down. I just know that the next four cannot be as good but I am hopeful. I have commuted by foot three days this week and that has been frought with ups and downs. I have to present to a roomful of Friday and am all in my head and unprepared for that. Just another day in the life of me.....

So it is 0534 and I am on the lightrail headed towards a run. I am tired and nervous. There has been so much going on, but I feel to tired to go into it right now. Just know I am still here.

When Did I Start Planning For A Future?

I led a miserable life as a teenager. My parents were alcoholics and spent most of their time at the local watering hole, cheating on one another, or causing some sort of drama in our lives. Like any other mal-adjusted teenage girl, I lost myself in my friends drinking, going to parties, getting into trouble, and ditching school. I lived day to day not considering that I would live beyond the walls of high school as several of my friends had already been killed in one fashion or another. When I started college, I had buried my baby daughter and was just going through the motions, not really caring if I had a future or not. I got married in the same hapless fashion in which I did everything up until that point in my life and moved to Phoenix. For 3 1/2 years, I had come and gone from one undergrad program to another, desperately wanting to be a Doctor. Unfortunately, I had not been given the tools by my parents, my experiences, or my new husband to develop and maintain a healthy self-esteem that would carry me through such a challenging path. It is now years later (I was separated in 1997 and divorced in 1998) and I am a totally different person than I was then. I have married a man that has supported my pursuit of my own identity, my own stability, and to find a way to end the cycle of dysfunction. I have gained everything I need to know that I deserve anything and everything I am willing to work for and have what it takes to grab the bull by the horns. To that end, I am so close to the completion of my undergraduate degree and went to an Open House providing information for an MBA with Health care Management. I am so very excited and nervous, but confident that I have what it takes to obtain a Masters degree. When I say that G has loved me back to health, I truly mean this man has dedicated the last several years to giving me all the time, space, and support in finding my own legs to stand on. I love you and am so grateful for the way you love me. If I was supposed to climb these hills to get to this place, then it was worth it.

Seriously?

So I received the news today that I passed the certification exam I took in Las Vegas during the conference. I am genuinely surprised, not because I did not have faith in myself, but because I did not study enough and was exhausted the morning I took it. I am so unbelievably thrilled with myself for so many accomplishments: I am 6 months from being awarded my undergraduate degree, I have successfully sat for my CHAA and CHAM within a year apart, I have been promoted twice, have applied for promotions and accepted the results, and now I am trying to take care of myself through eating right, exercising, and loving myself enough to know what I need. I have surrounded myself with people who genuinely love and appreciate me, distanced myself from toxic behavior, and feel nothing for those who were not brave enough to love me. I am happy and lovely and smiley and giggly and passing all that I have on to those who do not have any other resources for it. I am good.

I am struggling this week. I am tired but cannot sleep, the heat is preventing me from getting faster, and I cannot seem to stay hydrated. Not a symptom but on my mind is family. My in-laws have left, I just finished reading Without A Map, and Little Bird is dealing with a critically ill mother in law or at least her crazy ass family. It is amazing what long term affect the 18 years at home will have on a person. The differences between parenting is mind numbing and the book has aggetated me.

So vacation is over, my in-laws are gone, and I a back on the train this morning. I feel heathy, tired, but healthy. The heat is starting to get to me and I am nervous about getting dehydrated on my way back in the afternoons. Then I have two consecutive weeks of events that will take me out of my routine. This all sounds whiny and complainy and I truly love my life.