This is only interesting to me I am sure!

So in my quest to find my faith and spirituality, it has been suggested to me more than once that I consider going to church. So my "Little" and I went off to the 11am service today. As apparent by this posting, I did not burst into flames. However, I did sit in the back for a quick getaway at the first sign of lightening, or in case anyone could see the word Fraud on my forehead in scarlet red. Instead, "Little" and I were given a gift bag as guests that contained information on the organization and a loaf of pumpkin bread. We are Methodist, so the children attend to a certain point and then are directed to their appropriate classrooms for a Sunday school type environment. Everyone was lovely, though I was nervous by those wanting to strike up a conversation at the conclusion and sit with me for coffee. I found this to be curious as I have never met a stranger and chat people up like I am trolling for a "good time". I am pretty sure it goes back to my self-conscience tendency and feeling like a fraud in this type of environment. Like really, what right do I have to enter a church, shake hands with the faithful, and sing hymns that I have never heard before.

The Pastor/Reverend (?) did give a sermon that struck me though. He was pursuing his Masters Degree in Theology and was told that the group would largely call upon their experiences of faith. He felt worried because he had never seen the light or heard God's voice or been blind and made to see. Which is my very concern - I have talked to people who have had these experience, but I am not one of them. Eventually, he was made to realize that God talked to him in different ways, but that is why he is a man of God.

So I am seriously not sure how I feel about all of this. The Biologist in me wants to talk about evolution, while the religious believe in creation. Maybe I can remain loyal to the biology and establish my own faith and spirituality that guides me in better directions than I have followed in the past. I read a book by Melody Beattie called More About Letting Go. It is a book geared more towards addicts, but there is a lot about faith, spirituality, and taking control of your own life. It offers daily readings and has some activities to complete to get you thinking. My point is that today's entry talked about faith/religion and asked how do you know when to let go and have faith in a situation, when do you hand off the baton to God, and when do you say, this part if my responsibility? Being that I do not have the bright light or the voice of God in my ear and cannot see the ways in which I am directed, I cannot answer this question. Does that mean I am 100% in control of my life and have nothing etched out in the way of destiny? Maybe I will watch Sex in the City instead!

I've Got Your Boob Job Right Here!

Nothing aggravates me like my husband telling me that I am a night owl. I have no idea why this annoys me, but it sets me off and I strenuously deny his otherwise innocuous observation. Tonight I had to laugh as I have gotten more done since the sun went down than I have all day. Of course, I can't tell him he is right - but maybe I won't show teeth next time he says so.

So it is late and I am now working on my water intake and watching Dr. 90210. The very idea that women pay to have breast augmentation is fascinating to me, almost laughable. Tonight, the patient is so thin that Dr. Rey is not sure that he can get the implants in through her abdominal wall and is confident that he cannot pass them through the areola. There has to be some way to hook me up to a machine and pass what I have over to those in "need". Seriously, I am willing to give up my "girls" to the unfortunate soul who has "front" tattooed on her forehead!

So as much as I complain about my weight now, I used to have trouble keeping enough weight on to keep me out of an eating disorder facility or so my mother would threaten. But I still had the "girls". In fact, I was in high school in the late eighties, so I was big hair and big boobs. God Bless the hair bands. Oh, and reality television in small doses!

Middle Life Crisis?

A friend of mine asked me today what I would do with my life if money was no object. Wow! Do you know that I could not answer that very easy question. If you ask me what I would do with money if I had it, that is simple: I would provide financial freedom and retirement security for my husband, ease some strain for my friends, support the technology scholarship that means so much to me, and fund the Internet Safety Foundation. Philanthropy would come so easy to me. But what to do with myself is a tormenting question.

I have started reading the Student Doctor network blogs again to see how some of my favorite bloggers are fairing now that school has begun again. I am worried as one of the medical students has deleted his site. Another man has married and begun his first year of medical school with his new wife and together they will become doctors. I miss medicine and the inner workings of a hospital. But when I start to think about what I need to do to become a doctor, I feel overwhelmed and discourage. I am less than 30 credits from an undergrad degree, but need to complete most of my required coursework. Then there is 4 years of med school, internship, residency, and of course, the decision of what specialty to pursue. And I do not have the money for any of this... I am walking back towards the path of writing and have even written a series of articles that I could submit to magazines if I has the guts to do so. I feel inspired by this weeks events to somehow protect children from sexual predators and abusers of every kind. The only way I know how to do that is by going to law school, prosecuting, and eventually, writing policy.

So during this ridiculous ping pong of possiblities, my friend reminds me that I am so good at sales. Yes, she had to remind me. I am not necessarily great at sales but, I follow the sales cycle, build relationshipss, look for win-win situations, maintain integrity, and have no fear of calling on anyone from a Fortune 500 executive to the leader of a 25 person company.

Am I really having a midlife crisis?

Learn To Say I Am

I am getting a little nervous because I am starting to garner an audience and as stupid as it sounds, I did not expect to be found. My second blog is out there to represent my opinions, of which I have many, but sometimes I do blonde things like use this blog to promote great technology rather than the one I intended. So my goal is to stay honest with myself and continue on my journey to becoming my "whole self".

I am angry this week, though I think I have kept up appearances. On Tuesday I turned 35 and I never do well with my birthdays and Wednesday, G left for Brussels for a week on business - as much as I hate to fly myself, I hate him flying just as much. A few weeks ago, I was told that I am hard on people and do not seem to have the same high expectations for myself. I still laugh at this accusation. No one is harder on me than myself and that is a statement being nothing I do is good enough for my parents. So back to my anger issues for the week, and it will come as no surprise that I am angry with Myself.

At 35, I have accomplished nothing of what I set out to accomplish for myself. I am struggling with my entire life and have no idea what turn I took to lead me to this insane place of regret. As proud as I am about the Internet Safety Foundation Summit, that was the trigger. These people are driven, passionate, and inspired by their jobs and are truly making a difference in the world. They are law enforcement officers, educators, and lawyers who protect, enforce, and prosecute to keep children safe. I have wasted so much time chasing a dream and trying to figure out my purpose - and at 35, I have no answers. It makes me angry that I am lazy and selfish and uninspired and lost. I am weak and ridiculous and exhibit little in the way of self control. I begin my day with an internal argument about getting out of bed and facing a life that I am not proud of. I am not completely ungrateful, I have a healthy, intelligent beautiful daughter who is my best stuff and none of my baggage. I have a beautiful, large home that is fully furnished and protects me from the elements. My husband, bless his heart, loves me and is so incredibly supportive of the fact that I am a loon. He would be so sad to know that I am having a week in which I feel such an internal struggle. I have the best friends that a girl could ever have. Friends that I have had since middle school, some that I made through my "Little's" school, others that have been made through my work and participation in my favorite professional organization. From the outside in, my life is so incredibly blessed and I am both thankful and grateful. So I am angry for being so angry.

The Children of September 11th

On September 11th, Oprah had a show on the Children of 9/11 Six Years Later. Sitting on the stage are the children that lost their mothers and fathers. It has taken me this long to know that I can watch it. To hear their stories, to witness their continued pain, to know that they will never get that parent back. The loss of memories to come - graduations, weddings, sharing their own children. I know because it is what I feel when I think about losing my daughter. I mourned for the loss of her delicate and beautiful life and have spent the remainder of time mourning for the memories and life we would never have together. On one hand, these children are lucky in that they hold on to memories of perfect parents.

We as a Nation have forgotten the suffering of that day. I see little acknowledgement of the suffering that continues within these children, the single parents left behind, the friends, and the families. If we leave Iraq, all of these lives lost will be in vain - the soldiers, the civilians, the children. How ever you feel about the war, feel that about September 11th. Do not ever forget that the pain and suffering of that day does not end with the return of our troops or because we replace those towers. We will never be the same. Do not ever forget.

Shanahan Has A New Love Now

The Broncos’ are now 2-0, but we would be kidding ourselves if we didn’t admit up front that Game 1 was won by Jason Elam and Game 2 was won largely with luck and some skill thrown in for good measure. I am, for now, one happy fan. What I am not happy about is Mike Shanahan’s continued bitterness over his break-up with Jake Plummer. Get over it Mikey! You act like a stripper who received a bad tip and now wants to write a “Tell All” book about the politician. You are not always right – you coached the Raiders for God’s sake. (Humility man!)

Shanahan loves Cutler and Cutler loves Shanahan. Great, we get it. Carve your initials in a tree. The kid is not John Elway, so stop with that comparison, which is both annoying and insulting for the King of Denver. For everything that Shanahan is saying about Cutler in today’s Denver Post, let me remind you, he has thrown interceptions in every game to date as a starting QB for Denver. Let me also recall some factoids surrounding Jake Plummer, just for the record:

First of all, Denver is a hard city to play football for, we demand excellence on and off the field and Plummer came in on the heels of THE #7. The Broncos tried to dress him up in Elway’s clothing rather than allowing him to be his own QB. Secondarily, Plummer won more than 70% of his games as a starter. Off the field, Jake dealt with the friendly fire death of one of his best friends, a run in with some red necks while driving, and insults about his mother while on the sidelines. (And may I say that he shows incredible restraint – mess with me driving and I am going to show you a place in the embankment and though I may agree with your comments about my mother, say them to me out loud and with disrespect and you are getting more than my finger pal!) Through all of these challenges, you did not see the ginger pats on the fanny that Shanahan delivers to Jay –Jay, nor did he support or defend Plummer in the media. Shanahan has a salacious appetite to win as he has not taken a team to the Super Bowl ~ No, John Elway took us there, be real.

So for Shanahan to say that Jake only loves football on Sundays and that he likes that Jay actually loves football and is a student of the game, just goes to show how little class this man has and lessens his integrity as the leadership of our team. If these are your true colors Mike, then go back to Oakland……

FAT does not stand for Fabulous and Thick

I wrote this great summary of my amazing summer and promptly sent it off to my friend (www.ilovepauljack.com) without filing a copy away for myself. Basically, I am turning 35 in two weeks (September 25th) and I have started to get to know myself in ways that I never tried in the past. I am also walking down a path of healing from childhood, teenage, and young adult wounds. I make mistakes, but I am not one. My confession today is that I am fat. For those of you who see me on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, this is not breaking news to anyone but me. Obviously I have world class compartmentalization skills - I mean mad skills! So let's talk about fat, because at one time I was 4'11" and 100 pounds and complaining about my love handles, if you can image! Nope, I am dead serious about this. My BMI is such that I am considered a walking time bomb. I am a NFL offensive line tackle. I am a Biggest Loser Contestant. Yes, sports fans - I am FAT. So the first step is admitting you have a problem and here are mine:

1. I am fat
2. I do not like to eat breakfast and consider coffee a food group
3. I eat chocolate when I am stressed out
4. Sometimes I go so long without eating that just before I begin throwing up from hunger, I stand in my pantry and eat whatever is in a snack size bag that I can open.
5. I am the child of alcoholic parents and never learned moderation

Ok, step one complete, step two - come up with a plan. My current plans are:

1. Give Up Caffeine - Failed ( and really what the hell was I thinking)
2. Breakfast every morning, and yes a protein shake counts
3. Water, Water, Water
4. Eat more fruits and vegetables, including the kiwi that has sat on your desk for two days
5. Get up and walk the dogs in the morning - You know this only happened a couple of times
6. Work out with a personal trainer that you like, feel motivated by, and who is reasonably priced.

So I met Liz today and this is a long story, but to cut to the chase, I am getting four free sessions with her. She is beautiful and funny and has a rockin' body that I would die to have. She does 2 or 3 people group sessions that are affordable. I think she might be the answer to my exercise prayers. Granted, I have to do something on the days that I do not see her and this DEMO gala is not helping my consistency. But to motivate me, I have a beautiful suit that I bought specifically for this event and cannot currently wear it. Which sucks! And yes, it fit when I bought it if that tells you where my life has gone over the past 6 months. So this is my honest admission for the day and I am off to the treadmill.

A Good Day To Be A Colorado Fan!

This has been the best Sunday I have had in months. The weather was cool, football is back, and I am still watching baseball too! My friend Jocelyn (www.ilovepauljack.com) gets very busy around football season and it is directly related to football season, although I really cannot figure out what she does-though I can say without a doubt she is brilliant at it. But I love football as nothing but a spectator. A very loud insane woman that yells at the TV and calls plays with the best of them. So let's get down to the highlights:

Jason Elam won the game for Denver today!

This is the long and the short of it, though the game was exciting. I cannot say that Jay Cutler is any better than Jake Plummer. I am not sure where it came to pass that Shanahan thought that this kid would take him to the Superbowl. Not to mention the lack of class Shanahan displayed in dealing with Plummer, but I think I have ranted and raved about that in postings past. Henry was decent, but he should still pay child support as the Baby Daddy to nine children with nine different women. Veteran Tom Nalen made some strong and supportive plays as did John Lynch, who you can always count on. Champ Bailey oozes professionalism and drive out of his beautiful pores and made an appearance on the special teams - making the play for them as well. Still, we cannot return a punt to save our lives and the return team actually looked like they were moving in slow motion - an effect that obviously was carried over from last season. Cutler's saving grace is that he can actually run and is a big guy that can knock over some of the lighter defensive tackles. He got lucky today, but will not be so fortunate if he cannot slow his hummingbird heart down and play the game.

In other sports news, the Rockies won! I did not get to watch the whole game as I was very busy with the Orange Crush, but Fogg seemed to have pitched a decent game. I saw Helton on third base, which is a good sign, and the Rocks held steady. Matt Holliday is a stud and won the Roberto Clement award. He is from Oklahoma, so he has to be good people. I have seen a few interviews with him and I would say that the kid had a good head on his shoulders. If the management is smart enough to keep this team in tact, they will have World Series rings before too long.

Long Short Week

I have no blogged all week and, even now, cannot promise great things. This has been the longest short week I can remember in a long time.

So I had the best long weekend, including celebrating the birthday of Kenneth James Haynes. We usually host a Labor Day weekend party to celebrate Ken's birth, but we have our house on the market this year. In generous fashion, Krista and Gabor held a party and I met a really nice couple that I ended up talking to for most of the night. He is a triathlete and she is a gluten free kind of girl. Monday, G and I had a nice quiet breakfast out and went to see The Bourne Ultimatum as "Little" spent the night at the grandparent's house. Ok, so let me get into Jason Bourne. I never thought of Matt Damon as 1) a sexy man, 2) an action hero who could ride in on his white horse and save me, or 3) a MacGuyver type. The elastic in my panties burst into flames! Jason Bourne is ass-kicking, take no prisoners, get done what needs to be done and decisively. I wish there had been some romance with Nicki as I love Julia Stiles and I desperately hope that this is not the end of this story!

I did manage to have a minor breakdown Monday afternoon. My mother is concerned about the boy who lives next door, who she thinks is a threat. I have told her that her a product of his mother, who is a good friend to my mother. We talk about parenting. She acknowledges nothing of her parenting skills or lack there of. She acknowledges nothing of her absentee lifestyle when it comes to my brother and I. She actually told my husband, with a straight face, that I used to call her when I had problems. I was feeling invalidated and confused and hurt and angry. G talked me through it and I am better today, but man, selective memory must be a great thing!

Teacher In Service: A Thing of Beauty

Up until yesterday, the thought of a teacher in service day meant juggling my poor "Little" between her father and grandparents. I am not a huge fan of vacation, which includes days off. I made an exception yesterday and it was the best Friday ever! This all being said, I kept an eye on my email and phone calls up until my office closed at 3pm. We had some breakfast, answered some email, watched some cartoons, made a few business calls, got dressed, ran a couple of errands, and took a picnic lunch to have with Daddy. His office is surrounded by trails and covered areas in which we could have a shady lunch. Leaving Daddy to his work, "Little" and I headed down to the zoo. Our priority was the Lorikeet exhibit. We love this because you walk amongst the birds with cups of nectar for them to drink. The key is to allow the clever birds to enjoy their treat without allowing them to steal the cups or spilling the sticky substance on yourself. While we kept a solid hold on our treasure, both of us needed a decent hand washing before moving on. The birds were delightful and one even held my hand in such a kind gesture while lapping up the cool liquid. Our next stop was the carousel, which we rode twice. We grabbed cool drinks and headed off to the other side where polar bears, sea lions, and felines could be found. Along the way we saw camels, zebras, and beautiful white wolves. We enjoyed ice cream cones while we watched the sea lions perform and then bought "Little" a stuffed polar bear to add to her collection. The Polar Bears, which are my favorite, were swimming in their pool, playing with their toys, and generally showing off. The snow leopards had a new addition in April and Robbie was as cute as could be. Though it was already 3pm, I was not ready for our day to be over. As we headed out of downtown, "Little" decided she was hungry and then promptly fell asleep. Traffic was heavy on the highway, so I pulled off on an exit where I knew a Barnes & Noble to be. We grabbed a quick snack and headed off to find wonderful books to bring home. "Little" went first. We looked at Barbie books and Thomas the Train books, and Dora books. We finally decided on two Strawberry Shortcake books and two Barbie as books. She was patient, sitting on the floor reading her stories, while I searched for additions to my ever growing library. After making our purchase, we hit the Chick-fil-A drive through, came home, put on our jammies, ate, and then curled up on the couch to read. After reading her two stories, she headed off to bed, while I watched the end of the Rockies game, stealing in a few pages between innings. Though it sounds mundane and without event, my day with "Little" was extraordinary. We talked and laughed and compromised and learned from one another and from the experts working at the zoo. We shared our treats, drinks, our hugs and our kisses. We shared our day and the experiences that came with our day. I am in love with my "Little" and feel thankful that I seized this day.