I Miss Wine & Coffee Talk

I am a terrible friend. I came to that conclusion today in a couple of different ways. First of all, I have stopped going to my book club dinners. I really enjoyed them, but they seem to fall on weeks when I am bogged down by work or school. Secondarily, I talk to so many people during the day that I cannot muster additional conversations after I leave the office. My days are the same - Up at 5am, gym when I can get myself there, work, scramble to leave by 1630(and yes, I have to actually put that on my schedule with a reminder alarm), pick up Little, prepare & eat dinner, Little's homework, my homework, get her to bed, get whatever is necessary for the next day ready, and bed by 2100. If it is an event week or finals, there is always an additional level of demands on my time. If the kids have events or there is a holiday or a special project, additional complexity finds its way to me. I love my job and I love school, but I am a bad bad friend. I found out via her blog that someone I truly and genuinely adore is pregnant and I have missed the entire thing. In one of the books I am reading, it asks you to write your mission statement as a person and think about what would be said about you at your funeral. Would the people I love have known that I loved them and forgive my chaotic attempt at friendship? When school is over and I am just a working mother with time for wine and meaningful conversation, will my friends still be there ready to pick up where we left off?

The Sun Always Comes Through Eventually

Our holiday has included food poisoning - not by my hand, my back going out, an intervention with our youngest son that included joining forces with G's ex-wife, getting concerning news about our oldest son, and my Bird going under the knife for a second time. Today, the clouds seemed to have lifted and the skies look clear for the remainder of the week. I took Little swimming today and we did laps, jumped off the diving board, and she went down the big girl slide. We had a blast followed by a couple of errands, lunch, a hot shower, and cuddles during a movie. There are days that will sit with you forever and this was one of them.

So in addition to the memorable parts of today, G and I had a semi-serious discussion about my health and his concerns. What he does not realize is that I have been thinking about this and have even written about my own concerns coming off my stay in bed. I need to make me a priority and need to do so with vigor. My back feels great after swimming today, but I miss running.

Christmas Disaster 2009 Chapter Two

So I have been in bed for two days. I woke up at 3am Christmas Day needing to visit the potty. What I discovered was that I could not move and each time I tried, I was delivered a healthy blow of debilitating muscle spasms in my lower back. I had to cancel Christmas breakfast, which I had mostly prepared for 9 others, I spent all of 1/2 hour in front of the tree, after being helped down the stairs, and have been in bed ever since. Things are getting better, but I am miserable. First of all, I have spent two days in bed rather than playing with my Little, cooking, cleaning, or anything else I had planned for my days off.

There is a lesson here. I have taken my body for granted and I am both evil and hard on it. I will be 40 in a matter of a 2 1/2 years and I need to get my health under control well in advance of that event. I need to get my sugar levels under control, I need to get my thyroid levels under control, I need to get consistent with my diet and with my exercise and apparently, I need to work on strengthening my core so that my back can carry me through the holidays, celebrations, and my demanding everyday life.

Baking Disaster 2009

Ok, so I thought I would try to be normal this year and do some holiday baking. I started yesterday and it went really well. Today was an entirely different story. There is cookie dough from the top to the bottom of my kitchen. Baking is not fun, not rewarding, and there are people for that. I am not one of them!

Updates, Updates, and more Updates!

So where were we? Things got worse before they got to where they are today. I had to pull Little out of her after-school program in haste due to safety issues. I am not 100% sure of our option when school starts again. The good news is that she will start 1st grade when she goes back. Her tests schools were really good. I wanted her to progress and the Principal wanted to put her in the GT program. I won. Actually, Little won!

School is out for now and I am desperately waiting for my GPA to post and the candidacy application for graduation and news on my MBA application. I am applying for every scholarship I can find. I really need to pay for my current loans and have someone other than me pay for my Masters. I am interested in a Doctorate program and will have to take the GRE, get Executive letters of recommendations, and be ready to submit my application about this time next year.

I love my job and feel so much satisfaction from the challenges I face. I do miss my little bird, the hustle and bustle of the hospital, my old staff, and the emergency room. I guess I have come to realize that the higher I go, the less interaction I will have with the gemba. I have sent in a proposal to present at one of the industry conferences in May. I will be both excited and terrified if I am accepted as a speaker. I have many initiatives beginning in 2010 which will mean so much to the organization both culturally and financially.

My running is non-existent. I did really well until things with Little fell apart and she stopped eating and sleeping. My diet is getting better and I am focusing on water. I am on vacation right now and working hard at staying hydrated. I have done almost nothing in the past four days, with the exception of laundry, some housework, grocery and Christmas shopping, and some baking. So, ok, I guess I have gotten more done than I thought.

More Water

So I have started going to the gym in the mornings and I worked a full day on Sunday. In proper fashion, I am running on empty, pushing hard, working 10 hours a day - at least, and fell hard to a migraine today. We are in the lecture phase of life on the home front with G more than annoyed with my compulsive behavior.

In addition, I am feeling like a failure as a mother in that I did not stay on top of the school and now we are in a planning phase with Little rather than a next step phase. My mother asked me when I was spending quality time with her based on my own hectic schedule. Really? Little is in dance on two hours on Monday, an hour on Wednesday, and swim lessons on Saturday. And she wants to talk about my schedule?

I love my job, I love my daughter, I love my husband, I love going to school - I just need to drink more water

Moving On

So I have moved from the office I have shared with the two other supervisors for a year into my own private office in the adjacent building. I packed up my desk and left the building I have worked in for more than 20 months. The people I have seen every day, I will only see when I venture into the hospital. The team I built will get only a portion of my attention and once my position is back-filled, even less. I am moving forward and yet, I am drawn to the comfort of the past. My office is gray and drab and quiet. I have not yet made it my own and it is hot.

In addition to this emotional departure, I had to make a very hard decision this morning. One that I have not had to make in my tenure as a supervisor. I startled my staff and myself as well.

Tired

So I am exhausted....I have started my new position this week, met with the Nurse Program Managers for the clinics I support, had my new role refined and re-defined, met with the Physician Director that I report to on a dotted line, inherited more staff, and had finals. I have a new office, one that I do not share with anyone, but I am not moved into it yet and will not be until Wednesday, so for now I am running here and there and everywhere. I have gained access to the entire system and I am in awe of why I was hired into this new role. My confidence is at an all time high and yet, I am so concerned with not being able to deliver everything I have been asked to deliver, especially in the time frame for which I have been aked for it.

In other news, the Director who accused me of misconduct and initiated the investigation of my actions was fired this week. To say that I am shocked is an under-statement. In fact, many of us are in complete shock. A couple of his charge nurses are gone as well. It dumb-founds me that people still think that in 2009 they can get away with manipulating or cheating a system.

The best of times, the worst of times.

So I started my new job today and the old adage "be careful what you wish for" is true. My promotion has become bitter sweet in that I have received much in the way of responsibility and position, but have lost the staff that I have grown and adore. The very characteristics that make them so brilliant at emergency medical support, makes them unwilling and ill-suited to follow me. The best of times, the worst of time...

They Say Its Your Birthday

Today I am 37. Yes indeed 37 years old and I feel satisfied with my life. I am madly in love with my husband and my daughter, my career is on the right path, and I am on track with finishing my degree and pursuing a Masters. I am not running like I should be and I have fallen completely off of my eating plan, but I am confident that I can pull that part together.

Today was Chloe's very first school dance and we went to it. There was lots of her running around with friends and girls screaming. After some time at the dance, we headed off to my friend's home for her graduation party. She has been working for two years to get her degree in culinary arts and is an accomplished chef. I am so proud of her and think she is brave.

The Luckiest Side Kick Of All

So my wonderful director asked me to travel with her, the CIO and his Director, and the Director and Manager of Finance back east for a technical presentation for an application that we need to upgrade. We left on Tuesday and returned tonight. The experience was surreal. My boss, the PFS Manager, and I traveled together and were met by a car that took us to our hotel. I unpacked, did some homework, and then got ready for cocktails and dinner. Of course, we were taken to an extravagant multi-course meal and then off to bed. The following day, we were delivered our favorite Starbucks beverage and led through a detailed, multi-part presentation that included Vice-Presidents of this and Directors of that. Lunch was in the executive dining room both days and the information was plentiful. The best part was the amount of bonding we were able to do as representatives of our organization. I told my boss that out of all the side-kicks, I was the luckiest of all because I had her. It is so refreshing to have a mentor that is so down to earth, classy, and intelligent. She has nothing in the way of a self-serving agenda and feels successful when those under her are successful. The best part is that she allows mistakes to be learning opportunities. The only bad part of this trip is that I left my IPod on the plane coming home. I am hopeful that I get it back, but will I really?

From a Goldfish to a Starfish.....

So I registered Little for swim lessons. She has never had formalized lessons and so I registered for the Level I class appropriate for her age. Apparently I am new because I should have known that my daughter would not be a fit in a Level I anything. So after her class, I had to re-register her and she ended up in Level III. In trying to be an organized Mommy, I registered her for three sessions and today had to re-register her for three sessions. You win some and you lose some!

Her ability to achieve is great, except that anything that she is not good at frustrates her to the point in which she does not like it. Reading is that for her right now.

What More could I Ask For???

I love the way a plan comes together. Ok, so it was not really my plan to be the subject of an investigation, nor was it my plan to draw out the interview process, but to have them both resolved on the same day was more than I could ask for. I did not do anything wrong and that has been concluded. AND I got the job.

Ok, so let me clarify in that I was cleared on Wednesday and then learned that they are still digging around grasping for straws. I have let it go as I cannot control it.

Now, on for my job. I was promoted to a Manager position and start on September 27th, which is a Sunday - so actually the 28th. My last day as Supervisor is the 25th - my birthday. This is a bitter -sweet time for me in that I have worked hard and am so excited for this opportunity. On the other hand, I am so nervous to leave my staff. I genuinely enjoy them and think so highly of them. They have grown and learned and have taught me so much. I am grateful that they are who they are and know I will work with many of them again in the future.

Kate Gosselin is an Abusive, Selfish Narcissist

Ok, so I have tried as I might to not get involved in the drama that is Jon & Kate plus 8, but at this point...Well, here we go and keep in mind, I am now TEAM JON.

I like Jon Gosselin, who looks like a hard-working young man, who keeps a low enough profile, and has made some very public mistakes. That being said, I am sure this man is acting out after being under the thumb of his over-demanding, shrilling, verbally abusive and self-centered wife. I did not watch the show on a regular basis because of her nonsense early on, but had I heard "HELLO" from that witch every single day, I would have snapped. Jon Gosselin has been made to pay in years for the nine months this woman carried those babies.

I find it ironic that in interviews, Kate says she does not know the man Jon had become because of all the changes. I do not recall the episode in which he showed off his plastic surgery, or got a slick new haircut. The very woman who says it is all about the kids is seen walking through the airport ahead of her brood, allowing nannies and security to heard them around. She is so controlling that the police had to respond when she could not control the decision Jon made in regards to a baby-sitter. From her interviews, I can tell thus far that she is not part of the women's club. She is going to be that ex-wife that all women despise and refer to when they say "I never want to be THAT woman". If she had any friends, they would tell her that she has gone off the reservation and though she may have started this adventure fr her children, she has now ruined her life and that of her children through her own attempt at 15 minutes of fame.

Some day, not too far in the future, the magazines will no longer sell and the show will be long since cancelled. Kate and Jon will be divorced and he will have moved on, finding a lovely woman that loves, respects, and wants a partner in Jon and enjoys the simplicity of playing with his children. Kate on the other hand, will grow old alone without a companion or friends. She has shown her true colors, made more nauseating by her self-appointed diva like status. She gives a whole new meaning to high maintenance, but unlike others in her category, she will eventually have very little money to make her palatable.

I Got Flowers

So I have heard nothing about the investigation, I have heard nothing about a fourth interview, I have not started either one of my term papers, which are due in a week and a half, and I am not running. My sugars have only cone down by one tenth of a point and my thyroid levels are back to insufficient. The only good news is that the Rockies are doing well, football season is right around the corner, and my husband is wonderfully supportive of my erratic behavior. In fact, he sent me flowers last week in an effort to acknowledge my current stressors. That man deserves the world and more.....

Heart Attack in the making

So, I have not run in a week and I am feeling anxious about the interview, money, my schedule, and oh my daughter, who has now moved to the other side of her father's truck, can get out of the car, and gets herself to class ALL BY HERSELF! I have taken my Talent phone interview and am awaiting an invitation for the fourth and final interview, which I have not yet received. I am taking a bunch of management training courses that I did not know I needed but must complete by the end of the year. A friend of mine resigned today and the circumstances are not black and white. The long and the short of it is that I am now subject of an investigation, that feels more like a witch hunt than an actual investigation. In fact, employee services has contacted my boss wanting to talk about potential actions against me and ha not asked one question about my involvement. Can you really call that type of behavior investigatory?

Road Trip

So I have been asked to accompany my Director, the PFS Director, the CIO and his team, and a few others to the east coast the week of my birthday to meet with the company that is our patient database vendor. I am so excited to have been asked and feel like it is a sign of my worth to the future state of the Revenue Cycle Department. Of course, any additional time I can spend learning from my Director is time well spent!

Slow down and speed up

So I was a finalist for the Manager position and will be taking the phone-interview this week. I am hoping they make a decision by the 11th -ugh.

Little has decided that she is a big girl and would like for G to drop her off in the "Kiss & Go" lane at school. So this would require that we move her booster chair to the other side of his SUV, disable the child locks, and well, let her get herself into the school. G has talked Little into moving one step at a time for Mommy- who is just plainly not ready for any of this!!

Little Goes to School

So, G and Little talked me into public school and today is the first day. I am so bi-polar on this one because as proud and excited I am for Little, I am equally anxious, nervous, hesitant. I had a melt down last night after getting her backpack ready with extra pontail holders, emergency band-aids, and her water bottle. G commented that the bag was bigger than she was and that was all it took to reduce me to tears. We took Little to school and walked her to class and without a single tear, I left her. Now, keep in mind that her new teacher is the same woman she had for Pre-school at her old school. I sat in the Starbucks closest to her school and did my own homework and had lunch with a friend. I spent the remainder of my afternoon in my car in the school parking lot and hiding behind a tree so that I could watch the procedure for getting her to the after-school program. My Little had a fabulous 1st day!!

Two of Four?

So I interviewed for a possible promotion today. It was actually my second interview as the 1st was with my boss and this one was with a panel. Promotions are interesting within my organization because a candidate must apply and compete with others for a position regardless of how deserving they are. So it is a promotion within my department and I am the only candidate within my department in the running and yet, I must compete with two others who have never worked in my area. However, I feel confident and will find out next week if I am going to move to the next interview, which will be the third of four. Stay tuned!

For A Libra, My Scales Don't Balance!

I am side-lining myself this week due to a back injury. I am fairly confident that the root cause is stress, but the physical debilitation is there. And oh yes, I am stressed. In fact, I am keeping things in check pretty well for all that is running through my mind. I am ready to get back to running, but can barely walk and I have so many deadlines. My Little Bird reminded me this morning that I am sub-par at my commitment to delegate. Of course he is right, but I am so lost right now - actually, the correct term would be buried. I am so buried right now. I am also the primary candidate for blame and resentment. One of my colleagues is walking a fine line and may lose his job at the end of the month. He is sure this is my doing, however, he has been complacent for so long and just coasting at the expense of the organization, it just amazes me that he is so beyond his ability to take responsibility.

I took for granted my ability to skate through previous terms and now it looks like I am going to get my ass kicked for the next eight weeks. I want to say that I have found balance and I really hope that I have - I sure need it now!

Where Did August Come From?

So I am in trouble for not blogging more often, so here I am again. I have been sucked into the Twilight series, or I should say that I had gotten sucked into the Twilight series, read all four books, watched the movie, and then downloaded it onto my iPod - ok and I have watched it twice since doing that. I turned my nose up when it was suggested that I should read and would love these books,but I have to say, I LOVED THESE BOOKS. Apparently there are t-shirts that say Team Jacob and Team Edward. So from an actor point of view, I am attracted to neither given that they are like 12 yrs old and I have a penchant for older men. That being said, the old fashioned style, mannerisms, and look place me on Team Edward, or I suppose Team Carlisle. I know - silly.... Ok seriously, the scene at prom when he kisses her neck makes me nearly burst into flames.

On the running front, I still suck, but am still at it. I am getting frustrated that my weight is not decreasing, but I am losing inches all over. I keep getting the "your building muscle" explanation, but seriously, I am gettng frustrated and nearly pissed. I am also not drinking enough water and not eating right and so that is what I should be pissed about. But it is hot and I hatre to eat when I am hot. What this equates to is that I am not eating enough meals a day.

Work is keeping me so busy that I cannot stay on top of any of it. The whole department is changing and I am very excited about what is happening, but on the other side of that, I have a lot to do to get the ship sailing in the right direction. Careful what you wish for right, well, that is where I am right now. I am also in the process of interviewing for a promotion that I really really want. I should know by the end of this month and hope hope hope that I am the choice. Careful what you wish for though right??

So I am nearing the end of week one of my two week break. That being said, I should have more posts than I do. Except that I got sucked into Twilight and finished the book in four days. I have to admit I started it out of peer pressure and could not put it down. I just know that the next four cannot be as good but I am hopeful. I have commuted by foot three days this week and that has been frought with ups and downs. I have to present to a roomful of Friday and am all in my head and unprepared for that. Just another day in the life of me.....

So it is 0534 and I am on the lightrail headed towards a run. I am tired and nervous. There has been so much going on, but I feel to tired to go into it right now. Just know I am still here.

When Did I Start Planning For A Future?

I led a miserable life as a teenager. My parents were alcoholics and spent most of their time at the local watering hole, cheating on one another, or causing some sort of drama in our lives. Like any other mal-adjusted teenage girl, I lost myself in my friends drinking, going to parties, getting into trouble, and ditching school. I lived day to day not considering that I would live beyond the walls of high school as several of my friends had already been killed in one fashion or another. When I started college, I had buried my baby daughter and was just going through the motions, not really caring if I had a future or not. I got married in the same hapless fashion in which I did everything up until that point in my life and moved to Phoenix. For 3 1/2 years, I had come and gone from one undergrad program to another, desperately wanting to be a Doctor. Unfortunately, I had not been given the tools by my parents, my experiences, or my new husband to develop and maintain a healthy self-esteem that would carry me through such a challenging path. It is now years later (I was separated in 1997 and divorced in 1998) and I am a totally different person than I was then. I have married a man that has supported my pursuit of my own identity, my own stability, and to find a way to end the cycle of dysfunction. I have gained everything I need to know that I deserve anything and everything I am willing to work for and have what it takes to grab the bull by the horns. To that end, I am so close to the completion of my undergraduate degree and went to an Open House providing information for an MBA with Health care Management. I am so very excited and nervous, but confident that I have what it takes to obtain a Masters degree. When I say that G has loved me back to health, I truly mean this man has dedicated the last several years to giving me all the time, space, and support in finding my own legs to stand on. I love you and am so grateful for the way you love me. If I was supposed to climb these hills to get to this place, then it was worth it.

Seriously?

So I received the news today that I passed the certification exam I took in Las Vegas during the conference. I am genuinely surprised, not because I did not have faith in myself, but because I did not study enough and was exhausted the morning I took it. I am so unbelievably thrilled with myself for so many accomplishments: I am 6 months from being awarded my undergraduate degree, I have successfully sat for my CHAA and CHAM within a year apart, I have been promoted twice, have applied for promotions and accepted the results, and now I am trying to take care of myself through eating right, exercising, and loving myself enough to know what I need. I have surrounded myself with people who genuinely love and appreciate me, distanced myself from toxic behavior, and feel nothing for those who were not brave enough to love me. I am happy and lovely and smiley and giggly and passing all that I have on to those who do not have any other resources for it. I am good.

I am struggling this week. I am tired but cannot sleep, the heat is preventing me from getting faster, and I cannot seem to stay hydrated. Not a symptom but on my mind is family. My in-laws have left, I just finished reading Without A Map, and Little Bird is dealing with a critically ill mother in law or at least her crazy ass family. It is amazing what long term affect the 18 years at home will have on a person. The differences between parenting is mind numbing and the book has aggetated me.

So vacation is over, my in-laws are gone, and I a back on the train this morning. I feel heathy, tired, but healthy. The heat is starting to get to me and I am nervous about getting dehydrated on my way back in the afternoons. Then I have two consecutive weeks of events that will take me out of my routine. This all sounds whiny and complainy and I truly love my life.

So this is going to sound much crankier than I really am, but my body aches, I am still coughing mucus from my chest, I cannot sleep, and when I do I have nightmares about being mean to Little - which I am not. There is so much going on that I could be more affected by than I realize, but you would think that the running would help soothe my mind. Maybe it is time for me to lay on my Little Bird's couch for some mind shrinking?

So I applied for a promotion today. It is for a newly created job within my own department doing exactly what I would love to do. I am confident I would be a good fit, but am not cocky nor take for granted that I will be the choice. I really really want it though!

So I almost decided to just drive to work today. I don't have coffee coming, my chest is full of crap I am coughing up, my body is sore, and I have the beginnings of a headache. Not to mention that I have off-site meetings that require me to rely on others for transportation. But then I thought, Tough Stuff-get over it. If I allow myself one inch, I will at some point try to take a mile. It is 3 days a week, suck it up Sally. And I did....

So I am on the lightrail this morning, nervous about my two legged commute because I have the nagging cough originating in my chest that indicates an infection. My house is full of family, which is great, however, so is their need for my attention. I am slightly panicked as I have a lot going on with school this week, including midterms. The positive, if there is one is that I look close to graduating. This is so exciting for me and I am really looking forward to the next step, which is an MBA.

This past weekend Little, G, and I traveled about an hour and a half away for G's 1st 10K and Little's first mile race. We stayed in a hotel, swam, had dinner, and just had a great time as a little family. I was thinking last night that I am starting to become all the things I liked about my ex-husband's family, without all their hypocracy and issues. It is sweet to be in this place of acceptance and contentment. It is because of Little and G that I feel so whole and complete. I needed someone to love me unconditionally and invest their heart and soul into mine. I have traveled a long road to make it here and to overcome the shadows of which I once resided. It is good to be me.

Oh my....I am not sleeping. I woke up from a heavy sleep well rested and raring to go. Problem is? It was 1am. Ugh. So I did go to bed at 8:30 because I was so tired I could not read my course material, but still. So this is the thing, the more exercise I get, the less sleep I need. I had to get new inserts for my shoes because my feet are starting to complain. While I was in the shoe shop, they told me it is time to start tracking my mileage so that I know when to replace my shoes. Holy cow- don't they know I am just practcing to be a runner right now?

I am still plugging away. My only complaint is that I am not drinking enough water and in danger og getting dehydrated. Today was my last fat girl support meeting at work and it feels bitter sweet. The psychology residents are leaving and a new group will take over in the Fall. I am not sure I need this outlet any longer, though I am immensly grateful for the motivation and the catalyst afforded to me as a first step. I will never forget this group of residents!

So I try to live my life conscious that there are lessons in every person that comes into your life and that there are opportunities abound. I also believe that lessons will repeat until learned. I was called defensive, rude, and a dictator by someone I was apologizing to and would not allow me to finish any of my sentances. I talked to my boss as I was not feeling like a shining example of leadership. She reminded me that my response and attempt was a good example of leadership. It is not always our first response that defines us, but how we continue to respond. I was fortunate enough to remember that when talking to my bird about his preferred response to my colleague.

So it is 0530 and I am back on the lightrail. Although I ran/walked to work 3 times last week and it is only 1.5 miles each way, I feel anxious or nervous or something. On another note, I am back to not sleeping through the night thanks to all the exercise. So now I am yawning. Oh I need a latte. Thank God for the litle bird that stops on his way to work each day to get my Tall Skinny Vanilla Latte, NO Foam! Thank you little bird!

As a pedestrian, I am amazed at the number of people who do not make any attempt to get out of the way of emergency response vehicles. One day they will be in need and will finally understand!

So I have started forcing myself to run everyday. I am riding the lightrail from my suburb to the stop that is about 2 miles from work. So at 5:34 am, I get on and get off at 5:51 and begin my run/walk combo. All of my clothes for the week are at work, as are my toiletries, shoes, and breakfast. Uber organized, I know. This is my third day and although I am sore, I am so proud that I have found such a clever way to get 4 miles a day of exercise. I feel great and energize.....

Tired, Homesick, Sick to my stomach, ugh-Vegas

Someone I don't know said something so profound and suitable, that she could have been speaking to me directly and personally. "There is a point in which grief becomes absurd". The great lengths I have gone through to grieve various parts of my life and the abuse I have tolerated from myself is, well...absurd. The universe brings you what you need or what you need to hear.

I have had friends my entire life, some better than others, but always I have easily made friends. It has taken 36 years, but I feel great about allowing my friends to love and support me unconditionally. They are the family I chose or who have chosen me. Much like my husband, who has loved me through my growth and maturity, so have my friends. Until now, I did not thoroughly understand that I can be loved without a self serving motive.

I am missing my daughter's kindergarten graduation today and it is breaking my heart. I want to celebrate every milestone for her and to make up for those that were stolen from me through the death of Mackenzie. I am so proud of my girl and hope she feels that every day, no matter her choices. I am going through some things with my own mother that reinforce my need to do my relationship with Little so differently. Part of why I am missing her event is in an effort to create the woman I know my daughter will need me to be. Everything I do is for myself, my husband, and my Little and I feel so satisfied being a Threesome. Being away from them makes me less than whole in my heart and soul.

In Vegas and getting ready to take a certification exam. I am trying to let go of the outcome and be present. Oddly, I am looking forward to running outside, although it will be hot. There is something about purging toxins through sweat that appeals to me.

I shit the bed...Ok, not literally! I have a massive headache. I've eaten like crap & lots of it. I deserve this damn headache. I need to stop this...it is finals!

May Has Already Made Me Tired

Ok, so May is a disaster for me. My right hand man has been on vacation and my left hand has been out with pneumonia. I worked 11 days in a row and got batty! Finals are this week and then I have to study for a certification exam that I am taking in Vegas on May 27th. So, I will spend Memorial Weekend packing as I leave on the 26t, and studying as I have to have 80% to pass the test. School starts again the first week of June, my new boss starts June 1st, and my in-laws are coming. No, I am not back to running and yes, I suck - but I am still losing weight. I get my numbers checked again on Monday and will update the news, though it usually takes a week.

Cast Away

I have not gone away and I am not done with my journey. I am, however, working every day due to unfortunate circumstances and allowing my favorite person to take a damn vacation.
I am also trying to finish this quarter successfully. I have finals next week. I am also trying to study for a certification exam I am taking on May 27th in Las Vegas. I am also trying to getting healthy, sleep enough, eat right, and not lose my mind. Ok, maybe I have gone away a little, but I will be back. Promise!

The right people in the right place at the right time using the right process equates to the right solution.

I am having an interesting week on so many levels. Because it is an event week, a real post will have to wait.

Too High, Too Low

So, last week I went back to the doctor to get my labs drawn again. Today, I found out that the numbers have not moved. I have eaten right, I have started exercising again, I am taking all of my medication and still those freaking numbers have not moved. My sugar is still too high and my thyroid is still too low. I'm throwing a damn fit. If it does not matter if I eat right or not, then I want some onion rings and pasta and a chili dog and a chocolate shake and a Pepsi. Seriously.

G continues to remind me that I am losing weight, even though Dr. Genius says I should not be with my thyroid levels as low as they are and that I should stay the course. UGH! So let's focus on the 15 pounds and 8 inches I have lost thus far - I guess!

There is always next week.....

So, as you can see, I have figured out how to send mini updates via my mobile device and will do so, as long as you do not expect me to post yards and yards of my brilliance via text. Just not happening. But that explains the short posts without title.

My week is over and I could not be happier. Next week is an event week and so I am off campus and no where near my department. So the thing is that I love my staff - well most of my staff and two of my colleagues are great. Unfortunately, this happiness is over shadowed by the half wits that I spend too much time arguing with over really stupid decisions. So maybe it is just me, but when you take a position in management in any organization, the objective is to make the best decisions for the business as a whole and not for your tiny island unto its own. It is to look at things from a wider lens and not run your own agenda. I am just saying.....

So, I went back to the doctor this week and things seem like they may not be completely resolved yet. I am also feeling easily aggravated and frustrated, but of course, it could be my professional environment too. Stay tuned for more craziness......

It hurts my soul when my daughter cries- especially when she is having nightmares!

Boobs and Hair

Even though I am a pretty private person when it comes to my own weight loss journey (well ok, in person), the fact that I am getting smaller everyday does not escape the people I see on a daily basis. Even more so, there are people who see me every other day or so and those people can really see a difference. Unfortunately, I have gone to that place in my head where I am no longer losing weight and am instead gaining it all back and then some. I know, crazy.

Anyhow, I have been asked by a couple of the men if my husband is the jealous type and what kind of reaction he is having to my losses. My husband is not the jealous type in that he knows I am dedicated to our marriage and am in the best place with him possible. The thing he always says when we talk about this is that men pay attention to me now because I have a dynamic personality and am what he describes as flirty and I classify as friendly. Of course, I would not know someone was flirting or interested in me unless they hit me over the head with something. Not that it matters since I am in love with my husband and no one has ever loved me as well as he has. He has loved me back to health.

The other interesting thing is that I have a lot more weight to lose - I mean a lot more. There are men out there that like a curvy woman and Hispanic men seem to fall into this category. So I have one man who is very concerned that I am going to lose too much weight and lose the parts that make me a girl. I laugh at this because even at my thinnest, I was nothing more than boobs and hair - after all, it was the 80's.

Updates

So I thought I would update a bit as I am all over the place lately. First off, we have not heard from the school district regarding Little's test. This frustrates me quite a bit in that, 1) we are anxious to hear what they have to say and 2) we need to plan our next move whether she passed or not. I have gotten several comments regarding the required 98% passing grade. The consensus is that it is ridiculous, but as this is a brand new program for the district, they are grasping at straws. I have left a message and intend on calling the Superintendent next week to discuss the lack of communication and the experience we have had thus far.

Next on the list is the search for my new boss. The candidate we interviewed last week is not being considered by my organization and we are on to the next candidate - who we will interview this week. This whole process is tiring and I just need some stability in my department. I also need some mentoring and some growth opportunity, which I am not getting.

On to my weight, I neither gained nor lost weight this week and feel like I am wholly responsible for the stall in that I have not followed my program to the letter. I have eaten out a bunch this week and probably have had more sugar & salt than I needed to consume. To be perfectly honest, I ate some ice cream - and felt like crap afterwards. In staying with the theme of things I did not do well this week, my exercise routine was not existent - with the exception of a nice walk on Friday. I need to swim and walk and bike if I really want to be considered for the Tri for the Cure.

A Rocking Day

Welcome Back Boys of Summer! And what a welcome it was for our own Colorado Rockies. Ah, I love baseball and one day, one day I will have a seat at Opening Day. Not that I have ever tried to get tickets for Opening Day, but one day soon, I will have the inkling to want to sit for that first game and watch my Rockies start off their season. Interestingly enough, most of the men I have loved in my life have played baseball - in fact, there are only two exceptions. More than any other sport, I love to be there. This year, no beer, no hot dogs, no peanuts - but no matter. It's all about the game.

In other news, Little was a pill today. Not sure what her deal was, except that someone must have paid her off to make me crazy. She never acts like this, so when she does, it is just overly painful and frustrating. I planned a day of breakfast, a walk, Starbucks, and the library. Ok, so all of that happened, but not smoothly. Breakfast was fine. Then I had the audacity to ask the child to pick up her room while I got dressed for our walk. Didn't happen, but there were tears. The walk consisted of her riding her bike and stopping every time she thought she was going to fast and then struggling to start again. Ok, off to Starbucks, where hot chocolate was not enough, she wanted to argue about having a cookie and threw a little fit. I should have taken the clue and whisked her home, but no, off to the Library where she refused to look at books, refused to sit down and read the books I got, and threw a rather loud fit all the way to the car. At home, she got lunch and a nap - which of course, she did not take, singing in her bed for an hour and a half instead. So, in the end, you win some and you lose some.

The Hunt for.....

So the hunt for my next boss continues. We interviewed a candidate yesterday who was nice enough, but not the "right stuff". I was having a conversation with my colleague who was asking me why I felt that way. To be perfectly honest, I did not think the candidate had anything to offer me, to which my colleague responded "Who does?" So this got me thinking. There are people who inspire me. They make me want to be a better person. To learn more and to make better decisions. Not because I am not interested in doing those things naturally, but because I do not have all the answers, nor is anyone asking me the questions that make me grow. I am capable of being impressed. I am capable of being inspired. I am capable of growing and gaining and moving outside of my own comfort zone so that I can move outside of my current capabilities and expand my experience. The hunt continues......

14 Down, Oh so many to go.......

So I have been on this eating plan for four weeks now (apparently the detox week doesn't count) and have lost almost 15 pounds. My goal is to get closer to 20 pounds lost this week. I am not sure if it is possible to lost a little more than 5 pounds before Saturday, but I am going to try to add some exercise towards the end of the week. I am starting to get my energy back, which is great since it is too early for my thyroid medicine to be actually working. I have another 2-4 weeks before that will work. My husband is suggesting that I start strength training and so I think swimming will provide both cardio and strength training. He knows I want to run - I just want to run. Patience is a virtue - if only I had that virtue!

From Kindergarten to College in a Blink of an Eye

She took the woman's hand and began to walk away from us. She was brave and excited and just went. My eyes welled up with tears as I saw her go. In her pink and black panda bear shirt, black skirt, black tights, and black converse tennis shoes that she tied herself. She had me braid a piece of her hair this morning. She carried her snacks in her penguin backpack and her Disney Princess Sigg bottle with water. She will be gone for two hours, with a woman I don't know, testing to see what grade she will enter in the Fall. I watched her until I could not see her anymore. I had been directed to the lobby, but was torn between running after her and persuading myself to be the adult. My husband could sense my impending breakdown. Gently, he took my hand and asked if I was ok. He led me to the lobby and sat me in a chair. When the secretary came out to check on us, he did the talking-explaining that she was our baby and that no, we would not be more comfortable leaving and coming back later. He went to Starbucks to get me a latte and I sat, watching for her to come out. I sat and wiped away my tears, thinking about the second chance I was given. Thinking about what a gift I have been given in this child. Thinking about how proud of her I am and how proud of me I should be. I have become the mother I always wanted. Thinking about how great the past year has been, despite the hardships, because all of it brought the three of us so much closer than we ever were and saved this family from dispatching. I am so excited for my baby girl and for me. But this feels like more than I can handle in that my Little is beginning a new chapter and I know how this book ends-she graduates and goes to college and leaves my nest.

That is all......

Oh My Goodness, I do not have anything to say....No, I am serious. I have had a quiet weekend of school work and a little house work. Little did not have ballet, so I did not leave the house all weekend. Little has two hours worth of testing tomorrow. This will determine whether or not she will go to 1st grade or kindergarten. It is $250 and she has to get a 98% in order to move onto the next phase of testing. No, I am serious. This is at 5 years old. And she wants to do it. This is very important to her. And she is nervous. And I am nervous for her. I know she will do fine and whatever is supposed to happen will happen. That is all...

Attention Please, I am not Perfect

I am down again and I am not sure if I am down or frustrated or tired or a combination of all of them. I have made some bad decisions this week with my diet and I think I am paying for it today. I have a headache and a body ache and I feel like I deserve it because I did not do the right thing. I am not going to beat myself up about it, but it continues to validate the fact that if I eat right then I do and feel so much better than if I do not.

Work is frustrating right now and I am trying to power through it. I find such inspiration from our CEO and a few other people, but the morale is down every where on campus. I am grateful to have a job and I know that we will all come through this intact - or at least I am hopeful this is all true. But for now, it is painful and there are a lot of painful things happening every day.

So I had a conversation with one of my very best friends last week about closure. I have a relationship in my life that is quirky and complicated and not 100% authentic, which is out of character for me and yet something I feel so adamant about holding onto. I need validation and connection and as dysfunctional as it is, I cannot let go and worse of all, I cannot explain it. Except that I do not have closure. It is a relationship that fades in and out, comes and goes - there is no discussion about it. There is no hostility or disagreement to end it and there is no where it is going to go. Closure - it is an odd thing!

My Little

My Little is being tested and we got a call today that the test is on Monday. She turned 5 in January, but is already in Kindergarten and is successfully completing the curriculum. So now we have to get her into a First Grade. Well that is fine, except that she has to go through the application and testing process within the Gifted and Talented program for our school district. I am so excited for her, but I am terrified at the same time. She wants to do normal things like ride the school bus - except that I begin to panic and go towards a full blown anxiety attack whenever I think about it.

Is it possible that I am back?

So I got up on time, left my house on time, made it to Starbucks in time, and got to work early. I am so hoping this means I am back. I stopped by the local Jazzercise facility to see if they were open yet, but no such luck. I am losing an average of 5 lbs a week and so of course, I have gone to that place in my head that says, if you start running, you could lose 25 pounds a month. Yes, this is almost obsessive and I am really trying to reign in that kind of behavior. If I don't, I will wind up 95 pounds sucking on a crack pipe. Ok, not really, but I am moderation challenged.

In other news, I am taking two classes this session - which is 8 weeks long. I am taking Crisis Intervention and Statistics. I laugh when I think about actually taking Crisis Intervention as between my parent's house and working at the Knife and Gun club, I could realistically teach the course. I need two term paper topics and have so much I could draw on from both experiences.

The idea of graduating with my Bachelors has become such a reality and I cannot believe this can be true. I have always wanted my degree, but never felt like it was possible or that I was worthy. Not only am I excited by my pending degree, I am looking at MBA programs. Oh what a difference a few months make.

Nope, I am not that patient

So, I had a good couple of days and love to listen to the melody of my daughter's laugh. I have run errands and I have done laundry and I am making dinner. I have gotten so damn normal.



I am starting to level out a bit on my medication, which means I am not so nauseated by the thyroid pills in the morning. I am still dropping weight, though my blood pressure has been a little high. I am also retaining more water than the Hoover dam and I am sure most of you can guess on that one! I am still not allowed to run - doctor's orders. Something about my joints, my knees, and my heart - blah blah blah. I really want to do the Tri for the Cure, so we made a deal. I will do everything he tells me to do, train for the swimming and biking and freaking walk up until the last possible training second and then evaluate my health. I need to stay patient and I know that, but now that I am armed with information, I am ready for 100% change in my life. Nope, I am not patient.

Hypo for the Normally Hyper

So I have hypothyroidism, which is a thyroid that does not function. It does not do its job and it will never ever work again. It is a squatter, a mooch, and now, thanks to the daily medication - a permanent welfare recipient. As I write this, I almost feel like I might feel better about this if I have it removed from my body. I want to be better - I just want to be better and I want this dead decayed no good worthless butterfly shaped didn't do its job part out of my body that wants to finally for God's sake be healthy!

So the positive side of all of this is that I am on the medication, which is making me nauseous and providing no relief - but I understand that will all change and at some point I will begin to feel amazing. My physician was extremely impressed that I took the diabetes news so seriously and lost 9.5 pounds in 13 days with my new eating plan. More than anything, with my broke dick thyroid, he could not believe I was able to successfully lose any weight at all.

I am feeling restless. I want to feel better and I want to feel better now. I do not have enough energy to enjoy my job and yet, I am having such a hard time sleeping at night. So I wake up aggravated and sad and disappointed that I have to struggle myself to the shower and to get ready for work. I walk into my hospital already counting down the hours before I walk out again. These things do not sound like me and I do not like this person. I am ready for her to pack her bags and get the hell out. I want the best version of me, I have waited so long for her.

Not My First, Not My Last

It is weird how my mind set has changed in less than two weeks. I was actually worried that because I did not eat enough, get enough sleep, and was feeling stressed today, I would see a weight gain rather than a weight loss at my weigh in this afternoon. In fact, all the way there, I drove the speed limit - which is slow for me, practiced breathing, and tuned my radio to calming music rather than rock. I am still not flush for the day in that I should eat one more fruit, one more fat, and three more veggies before I call it a day, but I am not hungry and just will not do it for the sake of doing it. I will just do better tomorrow.

Today was a better day for me professionally in that I had to make some significant apologies to a C-level executive, who was incredibly gracious and unruffled by my mistake. I had a great plan that ultimately I executed poorly during the time in which I was going through my sugar detox. The lesson I learned was invaluable and worth it from a big picture perspective. I received some incredible support, advice, and mentoring from two sources I never thought I would and I am grateful to those sources when they come to me like that.

Tri As I Might

Tonight was book club night and I was a little hesitant to "come out" with my friends. I hate any indication that I might be feeble, weak, or infirm - which is bizarre considering I love to take care of my friends when they might be the slightest bit ill. Anyhow, we had it at a dear friend's house, but she ordered Maggiano's take-out. Not for this girl - I took a salad, tilapia, cantaloupe, and a protein bar. While they sipped on fragrant red wine, I drank more water and enjoyed my friends. Normally, I feel rushed and anxious about the dinner part and the paying part and the eating and whatever, but tonight, I was able to enjoy the conversation and the company. In talking to G on the way home, he asked if I felt like I had missed out on something, did I feel deprived and though I would have liked a glass of wine, I honestly don't feel like my experience was altered in any way. I am truly and genuinely happy to have had what I had, which was just enough.

In other news, a 2 yr old came into our Peds ED today after being backed over by a car. Because of my loss, I am un-usually hypersensitive to small children being critically injured and find myself crying, eating chocolate, or in a funk for periods of time after an incident. Not today, today I was appropriately sympathetic and appropriately touched by the situation, but I remained intact and capable. I did not feel overly solemn or affected. I was able to deal with what it was, the mother, the Police, my clerks, and move on. It felt great and I feel like I might have a chance at being a normal person without bad habits.

Now that I am becoming healthy - body, mind, and spirit - I am hopeful that I can translate my new found zen and ability to eat one day at a time to an ability to exercise one day at a time and in a reasonable way. In our last episode, our heroine was expecting to get on the treadmill and run 10 minute miles after a long hiatus from exercise and many pounds added. In reality, I am going to try to exercise 5 times between now and next Tuesday - and I am going to allow brisk walks with the dogs count, no matter how short the distance or duration. Every activity in which I put on my running shoes, will count and I will be satisfied with just enough. Of course, my friends are talking me into the Tri for the Cure and I am just tempted to bite. Old habits die hard and too much change at once is not good for anyone!

Good News or Bad News - You Decide!

So good news! I am sick! No, I mean there is really something medically wrong with me - two things actually. I am excited about this because it means I am not crazy and have not just turned into a lazy cow. So the extent of my diagnosis is still unknown - the office would only tell me so much over the phone, so I have to go see my physician for the full court press next Monday.

So I am borderline diabetic, which I figured out by the way I feel now that I have given up sugar. Minus the 3 day detox, which was hell, my energy level changed overnight. I am not 100%, but I am better than what I was. So pair that with a thyroid that is not functioning properly and no damn wonder I am dragging ass.

On a high note, I have been on my plan for a week tomorrow and today I weighed in 7 pounds lighter. It is a huge victory for me in that I have the hardest time getting my first 5 pounds off whenever I make it a goal to lose weight. Now, before we overly excited, I have a lot more to go but we are taking a week at a time!

Are Tums on plan?

So today is Day 5 of my new meal plan, but with detox, it is only day 2 I suppose. I have lost almost 4 pounds this week, but my eating sucks. First of all, I am tired of meat. I am tired of steak, chicken, shrimp, and turkey. I am tired of eggs and I am tired of raw veggies. I am tired of 80 ounces of water. I am not tired of the 8 ounces of milk in my skinny vanilla latte, the whole grain bread, the cottage cheese I can have 3 times a week, or the fruit. My stomach is tired of all of it and upset. I want my yogurt back and a turkey dog and some soup. It is way to early to want as I still have a year of this so I need to figure it out and find the right combination.

The other thing that has become glaringly obvious is that I have not been eating enough and so I think my body has learned to exist in starvation mode.

I just finished reading the best book by a blogger turned author -she can be found at www.dietgirl.org

The Sugar Detox

So, I have not been feeling well, as I have posted a time or two and it has gotten worse. It was time for my annual physical so I went ahead and scheduled an appointment, which was this past Monday. My conversation with my physician was a wake up call and there could be some real medical issues surrounding how I am feeling. So the first step was to eliminate sugar from my body, which took the form of a 3 day cleanse eating only lean protein, raw green vegetables, an orange, vitamins, and 80 ounces of water. So true to form, I just kind of stopped eating this week and have just felt awful. So I have a meal plan for the next 54 weeks and it is strict. I have a exercise plan for the next 54 weeks and it is strict. I feel like even if the blood tests come back ok, this is a real real thing and I will not take any more chances. Now I am getting a migraine a week and they are getting worse - so I will be going on medication for that in two weeks.

So, I am sick and hungry and tired and detoxing and my poor husband has been such a Prince. I am sick of myself this week and so the very fact that he calls me his Beautiful Wife, rubs my feet, and is so sweet to me tells me he loves me unconditionally. Amazing!

So the other bit of news is that my doctor thinks I should give up running and find a new outlet. Just typing that sentence has made me sad enough to cry. I just cannot think about not ever running again and so I won't.

And We're Back...

And I'm back. This past two weeks has been nothing but meetings, metrics, interviews, school work, house work, and being sick. Seriously. I have had a few tantrums in there as well, but when I look back at my schedule - I have almost nothing to show for it, except for the stuff that I do.

On the upside, I am back to a place of self-loathing regarding my weight and lack of mileage. I am mad and in the "Oh F It" place and so that gives me license to eat like crap, which then puts me in a place of feeling guilty, which then carries onward and upward from there. I have two weeks off of school and I am hopeful that I will get my act together in that time.

So, the Biggest Loser controversy is making me a little sick to my stomach. When I watched the show, I thought What is wrong with me that this man, who is still grossly overweight, can run a marathon and I cannot? Well, he did spend 6 hours a day, 7 days a week for like what 8 weeks exercising, but still.... Then I heard what he said on the Today Show about the staffer wanting a great shot, Well, I can see that, but you are trading your integrity and that it just not ok. I do not care who he is and to be honest, you are not being paid to create effect. You are a participant in a weight loss show that is meant to inspire all of us fatties to get off our arses. Bad form and based on the people who made bad choices in the past, he will not win. I am still questioning where to go from here with the show and unfortunately, I really like these people. I have stake in their game and in the trainers. I have not stopped watching, but I am going to think twice before getting involved in the next season!

Rose For Me

I got roses today...A dozen long stemmed perfect red roses that I do not deserve. My husband appreciates me and has told me so twice in less than 24 hours. He feels close to me and loves where we are in our relationship. I love him too and appreciate him and love where we were in our relationship before I found myself having a panic attack last night. So we were getting ready for bed and G started talking about rock climbing. Apparently Little has told him that she would like to try it and he would like to take her. I am afraid of heights and that pertains to anyone, not just myself. So G thought it was funny that I was beginning to lose my mind, but obviously did not realize that talking about sky-diving and other risky thrill type adventures ceased to be funny before he went down that road. He thought I was playing when I told him that he had his own kids to do that kind of crap with and that Little was mine. He thought I was kidding when I told him that she would not sleep under the stars in the mountains because of wild animals and bugs. He thought I was kidding until I burst into tears and then worked my way into a full blown panic attack unable to breath and shaking. At that point, he tried logic, which back-fired. I was beyond logic, I was in a place I could not easily get out of.

Today, he is so sad that he had anything to do with my episode and wanted me to know that he would never put Little in a dangerous situation and would never let anything happen to her. I explained to him that it is not about the situations that we can control that worry me, it is the ones that we cannot.

Virus All The Way Around

This has been a difficult week, though it started well with the exercise. I am fighting off a cold or strep throat or something nasty that has caused my throat to throb, the inside of my nose to scab up, and a mild headache. I am not an isolated case in that my staff is suffering through it as well. However, I am drinking vitamin C, taking vitamins, eating well, and getting much needed rest. There was a virus that nearly took down the entire hospital and despite all the challenges, my team handled the day like champs. Because the majority of my team is so unbelievably good, I expect that all of them should be and get easily frustrated by their inability to keep up. I wonder if my expectations are too high and maybe I have set standards that are too high. I want them to learn how to look at the whole picture rather than just one small portion, which is a tough sell. The better you are, the more others expect. Maybe I have fallen into that trap.

2 in 37:04

So, two miles in 37:04 today and holy crap-I am proud. I ran, but could not get my breathing in cadence with my steps. I did not drink enough water and had a flem issue that I could not clear up while on the treadmill. Those two things aside, I ate well and went to the gym. I wanted to quit at 32 minutes, because my knee was giving me problems, but I had to get to the two mile mark. G is running 6 miles a day and is looking at running a half marathon in September and I would really like to be in that place also, but for now, I am going to work towards getting to 3.1 miles and running them strong.

Eyes Wide Open

So I am really trying to live my life with my eyes wide open and in true perspective. I am in such a place of true dedicated romantic genuine love with my husband and to be honest, I have never loved my husband in such a vulnerable honest way. I know that marriage is about change, ebbs and flows, and different types of love, but I really want to work hard to keep us in this place. The very best thing about it is that I know he feels the same type of love for me too. Our daughter feels it and is the happiest I have ever seen her. There is no arguing or yelling, just laughter and cuddles and kisses and pure love. Even our 17 yr old son is in a good place when he is with us and that is remarkable given he is a total teenage boy. My very good friend at work has told me that I need to work hard to live in the moment rather than the 10 paces down the path. So that is where I am. One day at a time. No thinking about how to get to 3 miles in a reasonable pace, no thinking about how long my degree will take me with only 12 classes left.

The other issue in which my eyes are now wide open is that I have been suffering from depression for a number of years now. I know this because I am coming out of it and have the privilege of hindsight. I have been less than whole and consumed with regret, resentment, and anger. There has been so much I have been holding on to for so many years, plus the compilation of more and more challenges, the exhaustion of getting in my own way has literally weighed me down. I have gained weight to protect myself from outsiders. As my husband points out, the weight has not worked. I have such a great personality and I am smart and quick witted, so it does not do its duty and so how does this weight serve me now? Well, it does not and I am so afraid of what it is doing to my health, but I am in my own way in trying to get it off. Can I do better if I take one day at a time?

The Worst Date Ever

This week has afforded me more nights in which I have not slept than nights I have...oh and I had the worst date ever. G and I had a night in which Little was having a sleep over at my best friend's house, so we decided it was date night. Off to dinner we went, spending three hours talking and eating and drinking wine and enjoying each other's company. Love was in the air, romance was brewing and we walked back into our house to discover that one of the dogs had pooped in her kennel. Instant deal killer. So we clean up the dog, drag the kennel to the backyard, and steam clean the carpets. With the mood ruined, we went to bed. 15 minutes later the dog threw up...oh yes, she had been eating her poop so now we have watered down poop puke in our bedroom. We get up and drag the carpet cleaner to the bedroom to clean up. Back into bed. This time, she throws up half her stomach onto MY dresser. Back up, take all the drawers out of my dresser, move it to the other side of the room, and my saint of a husband is steam cleaning the carpets for a third time while I am lighting candles, trying not to puke, and beginning what is one more in a series of headaches for the week.

So that is it for me...Dogs outside. G takes them to the backyard and soon enough, 2 hours after we get home, we are back in bed. 30 minutes later, my husband is back down stairs letting the other dog in the house to stop him from howling at the back door all night. That leaves her outside by herself, which makes her bark every hour on the hour for at least 15 minutes.
So I have what is best described as a fitful night of sleep and one of bizarre dreams when I am sleeping. And when I say bizarre, I mean erotic dreams about a boy I am not married to and have not kissed in a very long time. The strangest thing is that it seemed real and I could vividly remember how he kissed. And so then I wake up feeling guilty for not getting to kiss my husband last night, but making out with said boy. Oh and I still have a headache.

Disappoinment or Re-Direction?

So I thought that I was better and yet, here I was up at 3am again. So I stayed home to get some rest, drink lots of fluids, and sit in the dark wondering if this headache would become yet another migraine. Obviously, I am feeling better in that I am on the computer. You do not realize what a gift being upright is until you cannot do it on demand.

So I found out today that I am not going to get the job that I had interviewed for because I do not yet have my degree. The basic message I received is that I am held in high regard within the organization and my work has not gone unnoticed and that I should let it be known once I have completed my degree. So now I have a decision at hand, do I take the natural course to completing my degree or do I step it up. There is also the possibility of another opportunity, but this one would be a lateral move with a clear cut career path. I asked someone I admire this week if he strategically moved or worked hard and allowed opportunity to open. Both was the response and so I am attempting to find strategy and keep an open mind for opportunity. So has fate tapped me on the shoulder in an attempt to open my eyes and urge my strategy forward? Or do I stay put knowing that the winds of change are inevitable? This is when I desperately need a mentor.

Never Ending Circle of Hell This Week

The large sucking sound you hear is representative of the week I have had. I am not getting enough sleep thanks to my dogs and some pesky headaches that have continually turned into migraines. So I cannot sleep because of my headaches and I will continue to get headaches until I get more sleep. How is that for the never ending circle of hell? In the meantime, I am trying to not neglect my daughter, complete my homework before the due date, and get several projects done at work. Someone asked me where I get all of my energy and I am not honestly sure if it is energy or insanity that drives me. I told her that I will not consider myself the role model she labels me as until I am taking care of myself as well as I take care of others or other things.

Excuse Me, Which Way To The Fat Section?

So I went to the gym. I went to the locker room and changed clothes surrounded by beautiful thin giggly women. I was sure that I missed the sign that said Chubbs To The Back. Out the door and ready to sweat, I am horrified that there are stairs that must be climbed to get to the gym. WTF? I have to climb stairs before I work out? Seriously. Just for the record, there were 15 before the landing and 12 after, and I made it up them in tact. So I made my way to the treadmills, which were next to the elliptical, bikes, stairs, etc. I got onto the treadmill, turned on my music, and started walking. All of a sudden it occurred to me, I was in the wrong place. I looked to the left, I looked to the right, in front and in back - I was surrounded by beautiful, hot, buffed bodies. Oh No, this is just not right. I strained my neck around trying to find the sign that said Fat Section. Nothing. No sign. As I kept walking, I started to giggle. Maybe I satisfied some quota for Bally's, I Am The Token Chubb!

PS My husband says there is a good possibility I am PMSing.
PSS I walked 1.5 miles in 32 minutes. At this rate, I will get no where fast.
PSSS SGriff, I am in no mood for any reminders about being nice to myself during this process - Even you have to admit I wrecked all the hard work that got me to that damn half-marathon. It is ALL gone!!!!

Puking At The Gym Will Surely Get You Thrown Out?

So yes, it was an event week, but I got some good advice about my life, my weight, my career, and other stimulating topics. My stamina is concerning to me in that I want and need to get 1000 things done in one day and need the energy to do it. My poor body is just unhappy because I am overweight and out of shape, which is double trouble. I can deal with overweight if I have energy, so this is all completely unacceptable to me. So I was given unsolicited advice that actually useful and I will make every attempt to follow it. Secondarily, I relied heavily on coffee this week, though I did not drink it every day. I did find that a latte around 3 pm can help get me through the rest of the day and relieves my afternoon hunger. That being said, if I get to the gym at 4pm, will I be puking coffee by 4:20? Am I willing to experiment?

Event Week

This has been a glorious and exhausting week for me. So I have blogged about events before, but this was a unique event week in that I was the process owner and will have to defend the RIE if it is not successful. So, the challenges were a Director, the SME's for EMTALA, my own fears, and one of my colleagues.

On Friday, I had to present with the Executive Staff present as well as like 75 people. I have a fear of public speaking and hate to be on stage. This was only the second time I have ever done it though my mother likes to argue that point with me as I was in sales. Ok, a sales presentation consists of an audience of like 5 people and none of them are Executives within my own organization -AND YES, that makes a difference. I guess I did ok, I got lost in the slides once and said Um a couple of times and was incredibly nervous. Some people said they could tell and others said they could not - whatever.

Just Know That I Am Sorry and Not Crazy...

Apparently my previous outburst was unwarranted and stemmed from a misunderstanding on my part. I thought that someone was making fun of me and I hate being made fun of when I do not quite get the joke. The whole incident was proof positive that I still hang on to some of my insecurities, which sucks. From another perspective it may look like I am self-centered and egotistical, but I guarantee that is not the case. It is more the in-lying question as to whether or not I was ever really cared for by someone who means so much to me. Then there is the question as to why the relationship holds so much charge for me still. I know the answer, but no one has ever asked the question and I am not sure it could be understood by anyone else.

Was It On Purpose? I Will Never Know!

I'm not sure what to think. So here is where I am: People who torment me on purpose, piss me off. Even more, I hate that I even care.

PJ's, Movies, and the Mountains

Once a year I get a wonderful invitation to spend a weekend in the mountains with one of my favorite people and her sister, who comes up from Alabama. I usually only stay overnight, because I am always pensive about leaving Little for longer than that now that I am not traveling on business and because I do not want to over stay my welcome. I cannot tell you what this time means to me. They make quilts and I read and watch movies and get to catch up with my friend. This was the getaway weekend and though I did not spend as much time with the girls as I would have liked, it was so nice to take a breath from my normal life and catch up with my dear friends.

Does This Count As A First Date?

G and I celebrated 10 years together tonight. Anniversaries are very important to G and we celebrate the day we became a couple as well as our wedding day. We went out to dinner and had an amazing evening sitting and talking with one another. The interesting thing about this relationship is that it is a second marriage for both of us and that comes with pros and cons. I have a wall around me that is thick and towering. I do not easily share my emotions and am always fine, no matter the truth to that. G went through a nasty divorce where the money grubbing whore used everything she knew about him against him in court, out of court, where ever it suited her fancy. The reality is that we are not best friends and we are not 100% trusting of one another and I have never thought about the possibility of growing old with him. It is an interesting place to be in a 10 year relationship that has been fraught with battles that we have had to fight together.

At some point in our evening, I began to go all in and vest myself fully into our relationship. G had the same experience and we are in a good place of admiration, adoration, and deep love. Like everything else, this will take work and I am only starting down my own path. His fear is that I will become healthy and whole and he will not be who and what I need and want for my future.

One Day At A Time....

So I joined a Weight Management Support group at work. This was a big step for me for a number of reasons, one being that I do not tend to bring my personal baggage into my professional surrounding. Instead, I work under the assumption that if I put on my smiling face, no one will ever know that I am not really that person. Not to say that I am not that person most of the time, but I have my moments.

There are a lot of women in the group and it is being run by psychology residents-which is great since we are all educated people and know what we need to do to be healthy - and probably means that they are going to get into our psyche a bit. We have set up rules, one being confidentiality about the members, which helps me relax a bit.

I learned a lot just thinking about the questions they were asking of us and I am more present in my goals and what it will take to achieve my goals. One day at a time....

And Then We Were Five

Today my Little is 5 years old. She is no longer a baby or a toddler, but instead officially a child. And she is my child in every sense of the word. I got a card today from a friend who wanted to celebrate the significance of my daughter making it to 5 years old without getting ill. It made me emotional. It made me think about all the people who knew me then and know me now and who have loved and supported me.

So I picked up my Little at school with a bouquet of beautiful pink flowers. She was so proud and all of her girlfriends gathered around to smell and admire her first gift of the night. So on birthdays, you get anything you want for dinner in my house. I am fortunate that she wanted turkey dogs and mac and cheese with chocolate cake for dessert. After dinner, she opened her cards and gifts and then the Princess bike we got her.

I generally send my husband flowers to thank him for the gift he gave me in her, but this year I am so thankful for her that I do not know who to thank or what the appropriate token would be.

Family Dinner

So I have two girlfriends I have known since middle school - which equates to more than 22 years. We have remained friends through different states, marriages, divorces, re-marriages, children, etc. Because we move at the speed of light, we girls have decided that unless we schedule our lives to include each other, we ebb and flow in our ability to stay connected and so we have scheduled a monthly dinner. The location rotates, but all three families get together for dinner and some catching up. Tonight was one of those dinners. It was also a celebration of two of the daughters - mine and Ginger's - who share a birthday on Tuesday ( Little will be 5 and ABC will be **gasp** 14).

It is so nice to call these girls my family and I love them so much. Not to say we always see eye to eye, but they add a completion to me and give me some calm. We are all so driven and wanting to continue to get better and I think our friendship is supportive, loving, caring, and honest. We can ask each other the hard questions that no one else can. I am so happy that my daughter will grow up with these people in her life.

I have had a good weekend and feel some sense of accomplishment, even though I did not do much yesterday. I start classes tomorrow in an effort to finish the final year of my degree. I am so happy about this and feel so motivated to complete my Bachelors degree after so much time. I am a little relieved that I waited to finish until I could figure out a good plan. I think I have stopped wondering what my life would have been had I not had Mackenzie, not gotten married, and finished college the first time around. I need to live in my own present and envision a full future. As always, I need luck!

Good Luck SG!!!!!

I have the most beautiful and perfect friend. If I did not love her as much as I do, then I would be green with jealousy and envy of her perfection. She is a runner and is about to accomplish something so spectacular. In 10 short days, she will qualify for the Boston Marathon by running a qualifying marathon within a certain amount of time. I have no doubt in my mind that she can do it and I am going to send all of my good vibes, support, and love out into her universe. If my body, mind, and spirit were strong enough, I would run the race with her.

In other news, I had an interview today for a position within the organization that I think I am suited for and would really enjoy. I think I am a strong candidate for the position, but it requires a degree - which of course, I don't quite have-yet! We might be able to get around that, but I am at a place where I half have my hopes up and half don't want to feel utterly disappointed if I do not get the job.

Happy Monday!

I am in a good mood. G asked me what put me in such a good mood so that he could do it again, but I cannot explain it. In fact, I don't think it is just one thing. I got up, on time and remembered everything I was supposed to take with me. I ate well and drank lots of tea. I walked almost 4 miles and though it was not at break neck speed, I got some mileage in. Only one day into my new life, but so far, everything is coming up roses!

Chore Day

My daughter has decided she does not like chore day - of course, her chores consist of making her bed and putting her clean clothes away. Still, she does not like chore day and has spent a large part of her Sunday trying to negotiate her way out of finishing her laundry. She is developing some mad skill.

So I spent the day making tea and making soup and doing laundry and cleaning my closet. I also made the best combination of music to work out to ever. I just need to burn it so that I can download it my Nike Run. I am still enveloped in momentum and hopeful that I continue to want it bad enough. I got my Runners Magazine today (well, yesterday but I forgot to check the mail) and read it from cover to cover. I need to run...I cannot believe how bad I need to run.

Still 1000 Things To Do

So I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday. That is a side-effect of vacation - you really have no idea what day or time it is at any given point. Not that I mind, but I would sure hate to get up and go to work when I don't need to as much as I would hate to not go in when I am supposed to.

There are a 1000 things I want to have done before I go back and I started some of them today. My dry cleaning is back and the house is stocked with food. I have washed my sheets because who doesn't love clean sheets and I have cleaned the 1st floor of the house. I would like to get a little more organized in my bedroom, my closet, get Chloe's laundry done, finish what I have left of my laundry, and get some meals pre-made for the week. One of my goals for my new year is to get organized and stay organized so that I can pursue eating better and getting regular exercise into my schedule.

The thing I appreciate most about the time I took off is the rebuilding I did with my family. Sure there were days in which G and I got on each other's nerves. We are not the people who can live in bliss 365 days a year. Some people don't understand that, but what you have is two type A personalities that have to have a sense of purpose, even on vacation, and are driven. We are passionate, which has its own set of pros and cons, and we are intellectual, which means our arguments sound like the inside of a courtroom. But he and I were able to connect in a way we have not been able to in many years. It was nice to slow down and live in a way that we naturally live.

My daughter, oh boy, what can I say about my daughter. She is so lovely and clever and says interesting things. She is beautiful and logical and also passionate with a strength of conviction. Arguing with her is also comparable to the inside of the court room, however in this case, I am an attorney facing a judge that is one step away from throwing me in the clink for the night. Last year, Little and I were trapped in the house for several weeks due to the weather but it was a different time and I was in a different place, so I could not fully appreciate my daughter the way I can with a clear head. I am totally madly in love with this child and I will cherish every moment I am able to spend with her. She is truly the best gift G has ever given me.

2009 is Full of Optimisim

So I am, maybe to a fault, an optimist. So give me something like a new year, fresh start, a birth of a new beginning and my cup run over with possibility. 2009 needs to be the year of focusing on the right thing and I am the right thing. I want to eat right and exercise and become healthy- body, mind, and spirit. I am going to give 100% at work, but not 110%. Now, how do I keep the momentum of the first dawn?

I Got, Um, Nothing. What A Start to 2009!

I am trying to reflect on 2008 and find resolution for the New Year. I am sure I have so much to say about both, but I am just so tired today. I drank martinis last night and am fighting off a headache. Now I was not drunk, but I did not do well drinking water yesterday, so I did not start out well hydrated. I drank a bunch of water last night as well, but again, I was already behind the 8-ball.

Really, I have nothing for you today and I am almost embarrassed that I lack any articulation.