Event Week

This has been a glorious and exhausting week for me. So I have blogged about events before, but this was a unique event week in that I was the process owner and will have to defend the RIE if it is not successful. So, the challenges were a Director, the SME's for EMTALA, my own fears, and one of my colleagues.

On Friday, I had to present with the Executive Staff present as well as like 75 people. I have a fear of public speaking and hate to be on stage. This was only the second time I have ever done it though my mother likes to argue that point with me as I was in sales. Ok, a sales presentation consists of an audience of like 5 people and none of them are Executives within my own organization -AND YES, that makes a difference. I guess I did ok, I got lost in the slides once and said Um a couple of times and was incredibly nervous. Some people said they could tell and others said they could not - whatever.

Just Know That I Am Sorry and Not Crazy...

Apparently my previous outburst was unwarranted and stemmed from a misunderstanding on my part. I thought that someone was making fun of me and I hate being made fun of when I do not quite get the joke. The whole incident was proof positive that I still hang on to some of my insecurities, which sucks. From another perspective it may look like I am self-centered and egotistical, but I guarantee that is not the case. It is more the in-lying question as to whether or not I was ever really cared for by someone who means so much to me. Then there is the question as to why the relationship holds so much charge for me still. I know the answer, but no one has ever asked the question and I am not sure it could be understood by anyone else.

Was It On Purpose? I Will Never Know!

I'm not sure what to think. So here is where I am: People who torment me on purpose, piss me off. Even more, I hate that I even care.

PJ's, Movies, and the Mountains

Once a year I get a wonderful invitation to spend a weekend in the mountains with one of my favorite people and her sister, who comes up from Alabama. I usually only stay overnight, because I am always pensive about leaving Little for longer than that now that I am not traveling on business and because I do not want to over stay my welcome. I cannot tell you what this time means to me. They make quilts and I read and watch movies and get to catch up with my friend. This was the getaway weekend and though I did not spend as much time with the girls as I would have liked, it was so nice to take a breath from my normal life and catch up with my dear friends.

Does This Count As A First Date?

G and I celebrated 10 years together tonight. Anniversaries are very important to G and we celebrate the day we became a couple as well as our wedding day. We went out to dinner and had an amazing evening sitting and talking with one another. The interesting thing about this relationship is that it is a second marriage for both of us and that comes with pros and cons. I have a wall around me that is thick and towering. I do not easily share my emotions and am always fine, no matter the truth to that. G went through a nasty divorce where the money grubbing whore used everything she knew about him against him in court, out of court, where ever it suited her fancy. The reality is that we are not best friends and we are not 100% trusting of one another and I have never thought about the possibility of growing old with him. It is an interesting place to be in a 10 year relationship that has been fraught with battles that we have had to fight together.

At some point in our evening, I began to go all in and vest myself fully into our relationship. G had the same experience and we are in a good place of admiration, adoration, and deep love. Like everything else, this will take work and I am only starting down my own path. His fear is that I will become healthy and whole and he will not be who and what I need and want for my future.

One Day At A Time....

So I joined a Weight Management Support group at work. This was a big step for me for a number of reasons, one being that I do not tend to bring my personal baggage into my professional surrounding. Instead, I work under the assumption that if I put on my smiling face, no one will ever know that I am not really that person. Not to say that I am not that person most of the time, but I have my moments.

There are a lot of women in the group and it is being run by psychology residents-which is great since we are all educated people and know what we need to do to be healthy - and probably means that they are going to get into our psyche a bit. We have set up rules, one being confidentiality about the members, which helps me relax a bit.

I learned a lot just thinking about the questions they were asking of us and I am more present in my goals and what it will take to achieve my goals. One day at a time....

And Then We Were Five

Today my Little is 5 years old. She is no longer a baby or a toddler, but instead officially a child. And she is my child in every sense of the word. I got a card today from a friend who wanted to celebrate the significance of my daughter making it to 5 years old without getting ill. It made me emotional. It made me think about all the people who knew me then and know me now and who have loved and supported me.

So I picked up my Little at school with a bouquet of beautiful pink flowers. She was so proud and all of her girlfriends gathered around to smell and admire her first gift of the night. So on birthdays, you get anything you want for dinner in my house. I am fortunate that she wanted turkey dogs and mac and cheese with chocolate cake for dessert. After dinner, she opened her cards and gifts and then the Princess bike we got her.

I generally send my husband flowers to thank him for the gift he gave me in her, but this year I am so thankful for her that I do not know who to thank or what the appropriate token would be.

Family Dinner

So I have two girlfriends I have known since middle school - which equates to more than 22 years. We have remained friends through different states, marriages, divorces, re-marriages, children, etc. Because we move at the speed of light, we girls have decided that unless we schedule our lives to include each other, we ebb and flow in our ability to stay connected and so we have scheduled a monthly dinner. The location rotates, but all three families get together for dinner and some catching up. Tonight was one of those dinners. It was also a celebration of two of the daughters - mine and Ginger's - who share a birthday on Tuesday ( Little will be 5 and ABC will be **gasp** 14).

It is so nice to call these girls my family and I love them so much. Not to say we always see eye to eye, but they add a completion to me and give me some calm. We are all so driven and wanting to continue to get better and I think our friendship is supportive, loving, caring, and honest. We can ask each other the hard questions that no one else can. I am so happy that my daughter will grow up with these people in her life.

I have had a good weekend and feel some sense of accomplishment, even though I did not do much yesterday. I start classes tomorrow in an effort to finish the final year of my degree. I am so happy about this and feel so motivated to complete my Bachelors degree after so much time. I am a little relieved that I waited to finish until I could figure out a good plan. I think I have stopped wondering what my life would have been had I not had Mackenzie, not gotten married, and finished college the first time around. I need to live in my own present and envision a full future. As always, I need luck!

Good Luck SG!!!!!

I have the most beautiful and perfect friend. If I did not love her as much as I do, then I would be green with jealousy and envy of her perfection. She is a runner and is about to accomplish something so spectacular. In 10 short days, she will qualify for the Boston Marathon by running a qualifying marathon within a certain amount of time. I have no doubt in my mind that she can do it and I am going to send all of my good vibes, support, and love out into her universe. If my body, mind, and spirit were strong enough, I would run the race with her.

In other news, I had an interview today for a position within the organization that I think I am suited for and would really enjoy. I think I am a strong candidate for the position, but it requires a degree - which of course, I don't quite have-yet! We might be able to get around that, but I am at a place where I half have my hopes up and half don't want to feel utterly disappointed if I do not get the job.

Happy Monday!

I am in a good mood. G asked me what put me in such a good mood so that he could do it again, but I cannot explain it. In fact, I don't think it is just one thing. I got up, on time and remembered everything I was supposed to take with me. I ate well and drank lots of tea. I walked almost 4 miles and though it was not at break neck speed, I got some mileage in. Only one day into my new life, but so far, everything is coming up roses!

Chore Day

My daughter has decided she does not like chore day - of course, her chores consist of making her bed and putting her clean clothes away. Still, she does not like chore day and has spent a large part of her Sunday trying to negotiate her way out of finishing her laundry. She is developing some mad skill.

So I spent the day making tea and making soup and doing laundry and cleaning my closet. I also made the best combination of music to work out to ever. I just need to burn it so that I can download it my Nike Run. I am still enveloped in momentum and hopeful that I continue to want it bad enough. I got my Runners Magazine today (well, yesterday but I forgot to check the mail) and read it from cover to cover. I need to run...I cannot believe how bad I need to run.

Still 1000 Things To Do

So I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday. That is a side-effect of vacation - you really have no idea what day or time it is at any given point. Not that I mind, but I would sure hate to get up and go to work when I don't need to as much as I would hate to not go in when I am supposed to.

There are a 1000 things I want to have done before I go back and I started some of them today. My dry cleaning is back and the house is stocked with food. I have washed my sheets because who doesn't love clean sheets and I have cleaned the 1st floor of the house. I would like to get a little more organized in my bedroom, my closet, get Chloe's laundry done, finish what I have left of my laundry, and get some meals pre-made for the week. One of my goals for my new year is to get organized and stay organized so that I can pursue eating better and getting regular exercise into my schedule.

The thing I appreciate most about the time I took off is the rebuilding I did with my family. Sure there were days in which G and I got on each other's nerves. We are not the people who can live in bliss 365 days a year. Some people don't understand that, but what you have is two type A personalities that have to have a sense of purpose, even on vacation, and are driven. We are passionate, which has its own set of pros and cons, and we are intellectual, which means our arguments sound like the inside of a courtroom. But he and I were able to connect in a way we have not been able to in many years. It was nice to slow down and live in a way that we naturally live.

My daughter, oh boy, what can I say about my daughter. She is so lovely and clever and says interesting things. She is beautiful and logical and also passionate with a strength of conviction. Arguing with her is also comparable to the inside of the court room, however in this case, I am an attorney facing a judge that is one step away from throwing me in the clink for the night. Last year, Little and I were trapped in the house for several weeks due to the weather but it was a different time and I was in a different place, so I could not fully appreciate my daughter the way I can with a clear head. I am totally madly in love with this child and I will cherish every moment I am able to spend with her. She is truly the best gift G has ever given me.

2009 is Full of Optimisim

So I am, maybe to a fault, an optimist. So give me something like a new year, fresh start, a birth of a new beginning and my cup run over with possibility. 2009 needs to be the year of focusing on the right thing and I am the right thing. I want to eat right and exercise and become healthy- body, mind, and spirit. I am going to give 100% at work, but not 110%. Now, how do I keep the momentum of the first dawn?

I Got, Um, Nothing. What A Start to 2009!

I am trying to reflect on 2008 and find resolution for the New Year. I am sure I have so much to say about both, but I am just so tired today. I drank martinis last night and am fighting off a headache. Now I was not drunk, but I did not do well drinking water yesterday, so I did not start out well hydrated. I drank a bunch of water last night as well, but again, I was already behind the 8-ball.

Really, I have nothing for you today and I am almost embarrassed that I lack any articulation.