Rose For Me

I got roses today...A dozen long stemmed perfect red roses that I do not deserve. My husband appreciates me and has told me so twice in less than 24 hours. He feels close to me and loves where we are in our relationship. I love him too and appreciate him and love where we were in our relationship before I found myself having a panic attack last night. So we were getting ready for bed and G started talking about rock climbing. Apparently Little has told him that she would like to try it and he would like to take her. I am afraid of heights and that pertains to anyone, not just myself. So G thought it was funny that I was beginning to lose my mind, but obviously did not realize that talking about sky-diving and other risky thrill type adventures ceased to be funny before he went down that road. He thought I was playing when I told him that he had his own kids to do that kind of crap with and that Little was mine. He thought I was kidding when I told him that she would not sleep under the stars in the mountains because of wild animals and bugs. He thought I was kidding until I burst into tears and then worked my way into a full blown panic attack unable to breath and shaking. At that point, he tried logic, which back-fired. I was beyond logic, I was in a place I could not easily get out of.

Today, he is so sad that he had anything to do with my episode and wanted me to know that he would never put Little in a dangerous situation and would never let anything happen to her. I explained to him that it is not about the situations that we can control that worry me, it is the ones that we cannot.

Virus All The Way Around

This has been a difficult week, though it started well with the exercise. I am fighting off a cold or strep throat or something nasty that has caused my throat to throb, the inside of my nose to scab up, and a mild headache. I am not an isolated case in that my staff is suffering through it as well. However, I am drinking vitamin C, taking vitamins, eating well, and getting much needed rest. There was a virus that nearly took down the entire hospital and despite all the challenges, my team handled the day like champs. Because the majority of my team is so unbelievably good, I expect that all of them should be and get easily frustrated by their inability to keep up. I wonder if my expectations are too high and maybe I have set standards that are too high. I want them to learn how to look at the whole picture rather than just one small portion, which is a tough sell. The better you are, the more others expect. Maybe I have fallen into that trap.

2 in 37:04

So, two miles in 37:04 today and holy crap-I am proud. I ran, but could not get my breathing in cadence with my steps. I did not drink enough water and had a flem issue that I could not clear up while on the treadmill. Those two things aside, I ate well and went to the gym. I wanted to quit at 32 minutes, because my knee was giving me problems, but I had to get to the two mile mark. G is running 6 miles a day and is looking at running a half marathon in September and I would really like to be in that place also, but for now, I am going to work towards getting to 3.1 miles and running them strong.

Eyes Wide Open

So I am really trying to live my life with my eyes wide open and in true perspective. I am in such a place of true dedicated romantic genuine love with my husband and to be honest, I have never loved my husband in such a vulnerable honest way. I know that marriage is about change, ebbs and flows, and different types of love, but I really want to work hard to keep us in this place. The very best thing about it is that I know he feels the same type of love for me too. Our daughter feels it and is the happiest I have ever seen her. There is no arguing or yelling, just laughter and cuddles and kisses and pure love. Even our 17 yr old son is in a good place when he is with us and that is remarkable given he is a total teenage boy. My very good friend at work has told me that I need to work hard to live in the moment rather than the 10 paces down the path. So that is where I am. One day at a time. No thinking about how to get to 3 miles in a reasonable pace, no thinking about how long my degree will take me with only 12 classes left.

The other issue in which my eyes are now wide open is that I have been suffering from depression for a number of years now. I know this because I am coming out of it and have the privilege of hindsight. I have been less than whole and consumed with regret, resentment, and anger. There has been so much I have been holding on to for so many years, plus the compilation of more and more challenges, the exhaustion of getting in my own way has literally weighed me down. I have gained weight to protect myself from outsiders. As my husband points out, the weight has not worked. I have such a great personality and I am smart and quick witted, so it does not do its duty and so how does this weight serve me now? Well, it does not and I am so afraid of what it is doing to my health, but I am in my own way in trying to get it off. Can I do better if I take one day at a time?

The Worst Date Ever

This week has afforded me more nights in which I have not slept than nights I have...oh and I had the worst date ever. G and I had a night in which Little was having a sleep over at my best friend's house, so we decided it was date night. Off to dinner we went, spending three hours talking and eating and drinking wine and enjoying each other's company. Love was in the air, romance was brewing and we walked back into our house to discover that one of the dogs had pooped in her kennel. Instant deal killer. So we clean up the dog, drag the kennel to the backyard, and steam clean the carpets. With the mood ruined, we went to bed. 15 minutes later the dog threw up...oh yes, she had been eating her poop so now we have watered down poop puke in our bedroom. We get up and drag the carpet cleaner to the bedroom to clean up. Back into bed. This time, she throws up half her stomach onto MY dresser. Back up, take all the drawers out of my dresser, move it to the other side of the room, and my saint of a husband is steam cleaning the carpets for a third time while I am lighting candles, trying not to puke, and beginning what is one more in a series of headaches for the week.

So that is it for me...Dogs outside. G takes them to the backyard and soon enough, 2 hours after we get home, we are back in bed. 30 minutes later, my husband is back down stairs letting the other dog in the house to stop him from howling at the back door all night. That leaves her outside by herself, which makes her bark every hour on the hour for at least 15 minutes.
So I have what is best described as a fitful night of sleep and one of bizarre dreams when I am sleeping. And when I say bizarre, I mean erotic dreams about a boy I am not married to and have not kissed in a very long time. The strangest thing is that it seemed real and I could vividly remember how he kissed. And so then I wake up feeling guilty for not getting to kiss my husband last night, but making out with said boy. Oh and I still have a headache.

Disappoinment or Re-Direction?

So I thought that I was better and yet, here I was up at 3am again. So I stayed home to get some rest, drink lots of fluids, and sit in the dark wondering if this headache would become yet another migraine. Obviously, I am feeling better in that I am on the computer. You do not realize what a gift being upright is until you cannot do it on demand.

So I found out today that I am not going to get the job that I had interviewed for because I do not yet have my degree. The basic message I received is that I am held in high regard within the organization and my work has not gone unnoticed and that I should let it be known once I have completed my degree. So now I have a decision at hand, do I take the natural course to completing my degree or do I step it up. There is also the possibility of another opportunity, but this one would be a lateral move with a clear cut career path. I asked someone I admire this week if he strategically moved or worked hard and allowed opportunity to open. Both was the response and so I am attempting to find strategy and keep an open mind for opportunity. So has fate tapped me on the shoulder in an attempt to open my eyes and urge my strategy forward? Or do I stay put knowing that the winds of change are inevitable? This is when I desperately need a mentor.

Never Ending Circle of Hell This Week

The large sucking sound you hear is representative of the week I have had. I am not getting enough sleep thanks to my dogs and some pesky headaches that have continually turned into migraines. So I cannot sleep because of my headaches and I will continue to get headaches until I get more sleep. How is that for the never ending circle of hell? In the meantime, I am trying to not neglect my daughter, complete my homework before the due date, and get several projects done at work. Someone asked me where I get all of my energy and I am not honestly sure if it is energy or insanity that drives me. I told her that I will not consider myself the role model she labels me as until I am taking care of myself as well as I take care of others or other things.

Excuse Me, Which Way To The Fat Section?

So I went to the gym. I went to the locker room and changed clothes surrounded by beautiful thin giggly women. I was sure that I missed the sign that said Chubbs To The Back. Out the door and ready to sweat, I am horrified that there are stairs that must be climbed to get to the gym. WTF? I have to climb stairs before I work out? Seriously. Just for the record, there were 15 before the landing and 12 after, and I made it up them in tact. So I made my way to the treadmills, which were next to the elliptical, bikes, stairs, etc. I got onto the treadmill, turned on my music, and started walking. All of a sudden it occurred to me, I was in the wrong place. I looked to the left, I looked to the right, in front and in back - I was surrounded by beautiful, hot, buffed bodies. Oh No, this is just not right. I strained my neck around trying to find the sign that said Fat Section. Nothing. No sign. As I kept walking, I started to giggle. Maybe I satisfied some quota for Bally's, I Am The Token Chubb!

PS My husband says there is a good possibility I am PMSing.
PSS I walked 1.5 miles in 32 minutes. At this rate, I will get no where fast.
PSSS SGriff, I am in no mood for any reminders about being nice to myself during this process - Even you have to admit I wrecked all the hard work that got me to that damn half-marathon. It is ALL gone!!!!

Puking At The Gym Will Surely Get You Thrown Out?

So yes, it was an event week, but I got some good advice about my life, my weight, my career, and other stimulating topics. My stamina is concerning to me in that I want and need to get 1000 things done in one day and need the energy to do it. My poor body is just unhappy because I am overweight and out of shape, which is double trouble. I can deal with overweight if I have energy, so this is all completely unacceptable to me. So I was given unsolicited advice that actually useful and I will make every attempt to follow it. Secondarily, I relied heavily on coffee this week, though I did not drink it every day. I did find that a latte around 3 pm can help get me through the rest of the day and relieves my afternoon hunger. That being said, if I get to the gym at 4pm, will I be puking coffee by 4:20? Am I willing to experiment?