Jammie Day

Jammie Day - Oh how much do I love Jammie Day. It is snowing and I mean, SNOWING. There is football and it is cold, rainy, blood on the jerseys football. There was brunch, G went out into the cold and snow to get me a paper and a latte, and there is soup at some point in my day. I cannot even complain about the laundry that has to be done or the scholarship applications that are due today because for now there is jammies, football, and snow.

Reasons I Should Drink More....

Step One: Argue with the men in my house about Christmas decorations and when we will (or how long they can put off) put up the tree.
Step Two: Supervise the men in my house getting into the crawl space and bringing the storage boxes up into the living room while responding to their complaints that they mistakenly think I cannot hear.
Step Three: Listen to the men in my house partake in the annual real tree vs fake tree debate.
Step Four: Watch as G puts up the fake tree that middle son and I cannot stand, but he and the Little like. Older son just does not care and as usual, has no opinion - especially if he has to side with one or other of us and not both.
Step Five: Decide unanimously that we will leave the fake tree up for a week and decide next weekend if we will drag a real tree into the house to replace the 6.5 foot boxed tree.

Who says holidays are priceless? Everything comes at a price....

No Black Friday for This Girl

Black Friday has never interested me. Retailers cannot give me enough of a discount to get up early enough to make it to the 4am opening and interact with thousands of bargain shoppers. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but I am not a big fan of the general public and giving them license to act like complete animals is icing on that cake. Not to mention the fact that I am a tad claustrophobic. And who stampedes into a WalMart with such force that you take a man's life?

So instead, I started the day with bagels from Einstein, lattes from Starbucks, and a trip to the local Sunflower Farmers Market and King Soopers with my Little.

I bought the Clean Eating Diet Cookbook and love the recipes I am seeing in there. My mother often jokes that she had a ceste pool rather than a gene pool and suffers from all sorts of malidies that I am sure can be staved off by some clean eating. Of course, she spent years as an alcoholic, smoked for more than 30 years, did not exercise until recently, drinks coffee from the time she gets up until she goes back to bed, and eats mayonaisse on everything from sandwiches to fruit to potato chips.

So, my first order of business is to wrap my head around what it means to eat clean and then work up the courage to give up coffee as a staple in my diet. I guess I should start walking around with a warning label.

Thanksgiving 2008

So my Thanksgiving was surprisingly pleasant. The boys left early for their Mom's house and Little spent the night at my Mom's house with my parents, my Grandmother, my brother, and my Aunt. So with the kids all gone, I got to sleep in, spend a lazy morning watching the parade, drinking coffee, and going for a walk with G and the dogs. The boys met us at 2 and we headed East.

Little was so happy to see us and showed everyone the Christmas Village she got to set up with her Bubbi (that is what she calls my mother). Little showed off the lipstick Mimi (my Grandmother - and yes, I made up that name for her) shared with her, she just loves make-up. And I opened up the first bottle of wine. I am not sure if it was the wine (of course I am in charge of selecting the wine, brought plenty, and none of it was boxed as was suggested when I asked for preferences), or if something was genuinely different, but the conversation was nice, dinner was neither late nor dry and cold, and my brother was on his best behavior and quiet.

So I have to wonder if my family has gotten the less than subtle message I have sent by limiting my exposure to them. It has been months since they have seen any of us, including my Little, and so there was conversation and appreciation. My brother got a little pissed that I would not help out in the kitchen, but Mom and I have a strict rule about entering our kitchens. In fact, I do not allow her in mine as I do things differently than she does and so it is the best way to keep some peace between us. She does Thanksgiving and I do Christmas. It is sad that we have to work so hard to keep the peace between us, but that is how it is. We never had a strong foundation and so there is nothing stable from which to build on. We do the best we can, but not everyone understands that we have to do our relationship in a certain way.

My grandmother was amazingly charming and festive. The last time we saw her, she was the Southern belle version of nasty to G and I. My fear was she would hate the color of my hair, how long it is, my lack of make-up, that I quit my corporate job for one in the service industry, the way my teenage boys dress, talk, etc, the way I raise my daughter, or my weight - which is admittedly out of control right now. She only hit one of these topics by telling me all about her success with Jenny Craig and let me tell you, my Grandmother weighs 127 pounds soaking wet - I will give you three guesses as to where in the world I got my warped relationship with food and a normal sense of body health - and the the first two guesses don't count!

Sabotage Part II

Sabotage is what I do best. G says that I have a fear of success. I am wondering if I fear success or if I feel like success is something that I really don't deserve. Or maybe it is a combination of the two. This was part of my epiphany from last night. I am not depressed or melancholy or feeling sorry for myself, but this is the path I am going down when I am truly introspective.

So now I have to decide how much of this is true, real, genuine, what to do to get past it, and how to move forward given my propensity for being driven. It could be possible that I have lost my drive, but could that really be the case?

Sabbotage Part I

I had an epiphany thanks in part to the Biggest Loser and some much wasted time on Facebook - which is the devil. If you watch TBL, then you know that Amy had a prime opportunity to send Vicky packing, which is what she should have done - especially since Vicky was the deciding vote in sending Amy home this week. Which leads you down the road to the finale and what if that vile Vicky is in the final four, or ugh gasp, wins the damn contest. So the epiphany came when I thought to the one decision that has changed the game for the duration, no matter the outcome. So, the logical place you go when you are trying to deal with regret is the one decision that changed the path of your life. Now of course, there are other decisions that you make along the way, but I know the exact decision it was. Back story would help, of course, but suffice it to say that I did not have a relationship with my parents that filled my buckets and gave me a solid platform. My immaturity and need for attention got in my way more often than not.

It was my freshman year and I was asked to "go out" with two different boys. One was my true love, my first boyfriend, and the boy who broke my heart the year before. The other was an older boy, a senior in high school, and the best way to make the love of my life crazy jealous. It was just a matter of time before he would open up, express his teenage love for me, and all would be well in Sweet Valley High. I guess I was the only one who was shocked that it did not happen that way. Instead, I continued down a path of men not right for me. Looking to fill a void that got larger and larger with each ridiculous relationship. Most of them were continued, but failed attempts at winning back the love of my life. If he were to actually talk to me, he would probably tell me that I was more into him than he was to me, or that my attempts to make him jealous is what drove him away. I, in one way or another, sabotaged the relationships that meant the most to me and they are not the ones that might be obvious to those looking from the outside.

Blathering

Ahhh, a short week. Just when I get frustrated beyond my ability to cope, the powers that be listen to me and just because someone else is taking credit for my good ideas does not mean that the powers that be are not ultimately listening to me, right? Besides it is blatantly obvious that the ideas are not original to those actually boasting about them. Change is happening and change is good. I just need to put my hands in my pockets and keep my staff steady as she goes. Ahhh, it is a short week.

A Serious Start to my Saturday.

I spent three hours this morning at a Safe Child conference to learn how to keep my child safe from Sexual Predators. Being that I sold IT Security and Data Forensics for many years, I know that these people exist, I know the statistics, and I know the warning signs. What I did not know before this morning was how that translates to educating my Little. And now I know. And I have already begun to educate my Little and will continue to do so until she is married.

Don't You Love When Someone Else Washes Your Hair?

It takes me three hours to get my haircut. And by haircut, I mean highlights too. I am bi-polar in that I get dark pieces highlighted into my hair in the summer and light pieces highlighted into my hair in the winter. I do not like my hair too anything at the time in which it is too something.
So, I get my hair done at one of the most influence hair institute in the nation - or so they say.
It just takes so long, but I think it is wholly worth it. I always feel young, fresh, and sassy when I leave. The best part, outside of the long head massage while washing out the color, is that I can walk in without a pre-conceived notion and walk out with something fabulous. Three hours or not, I love hair days!

And The Winner Is....Not Me!

So I am not going to get the Director position and in fact, I am not going to be interviewed for the position. Now, before you throw something or stomp your feet, realize that I turned down an opportunity to sit with our CFO fully knowing I was not a candidate. The upside is that she called me personally to ask me whether or not she was missing something on my resume that she was looking for in a candidate. She was right about that specific qualification. This is a woman who has been consumed with the budget. And she called me. She even offered me the opportunity to sit down with her to discuss this if I felt like I needed to. More and more, I like and respect her.

Now, before you think that I am extremely passive about this, you have to know that I did pout and whine about it for an hour or two. I mean, I am after all, spoiled. However, my husband gave me some perspective and clarity that snapped me out of the funk pretty quickly, reminding me that I have been promoted twice this year, I have not been with the organization for 12 months yet, and the promotion would have leap frogged me over the manager level. The place I have taken myself to is that I have some things I need to get together personally. I need to get healthy and want to finish my degree and then look towards a Masters degree. I can do that in my current position. Add to my daily life, these two steps towards large goals, plus my newly established Black Belt responsibilities, and I think that I have enough on my plate.

I Am Driven, HardWorking, and Not A Hypocrite

So I am working on scholarships so that I can get back into school. Again, this is one of the those times in which I could be extremely resentful, but I am choosing not to go down that path. Instead, I am asking some of my favorite people in life to write professional and character references on my behalf. There are times in which I have conversations with my sons about college and how important it is to succeed in life. Very few times have they come back pointing out my success and lack of college. Why do I get to come off like a hypocrite? Well, it is very simple, I am driven , dedicated, and hard-working. I owned my 1st business when I was in 7th grade with my best friend. We wrote a business plan, marketing material, and had business cards. This was a couple of years after I was the 2nd place cookie salesperson in the state of Texas with the Girl Scouts. Despite coming from a upper middle class family, getting a car on my 16th birthday, and getting spending money from my parents, I started working when I was 15. My first job was Dairy Queen and I have not spent 6 months without a job every since. I worked my entire pregnancy and went back only a few weeks after my Little was born. Now fortunately, I owned my own business at that time too and was able to work from home, but I made money.

Being that my sons take after their mother and are influenced by the step-father, they do not have the benefit of their work ethic to fall back on and need as much education as they can get.

Conflicted

There are says when I feel lost and today is one of those days. I feel anxious and unaccomplished. So there is a part of me that wants to push forward and gain ground on my career, feeling like I have found success in my current positon and ready for the next challenge. Then there is a part of me that wants to make myself comfortable within my current position so that I can forge ahead with my education. So, of course, I am conflicted.

I am conflicted and also very tired. Very, very tired and as I have mentioned 150 times, next week is an event week. which will be a lot of work and exhausting. And super fabulous...

Needs, Wants, and Grumpiness

I found myself to be over-tired, under-focused, and more than a bit grumpy today, though I think I did a good job keeping that to myself. There were tasks that had a deadline of today and I was in no mood to complete them. It did not help that I was dependant upon a report that did not show up until well after 1pm.

I was asked today if I was going to make a 36 before 37 list and my answer is probably not. My one area of focus this year is to get healthy – body, mind, and spirit. G and I had a lengthy conversation last night about how hard my life has been. I only went back to 18 when Mackenzie died, but he reminded me of the home I grew up in. That being said, my life has been a challenge since 1986. 22 years – no wonder I am tired.

I am trying to separate need from want right now when discussing my pursuit of ultimate happiness. I need to finish my degree, I want a promotion. I need to lose the weight I put on, I want to buy clothes in a bigger size. You get the idea…

I need to find a mentor and I have not yet found that person. There are many choices within the organization I work for, however, none of them do I have consistent access to on a regular basis. There are times in which I need some focus and direction and good solid professional advice, none of which I am getting right now – so I am feeling a bit lost. Or again, I could just be over tired!

Cool As A Cucumber!

There was no passing out today. There was the Executive Staff and the inside of the Executive Board room, and clapping, and names being called, and a Black Belt with our corporate logo. But there was no passing out! And can I just say I looked lovely in a black skirt suit and a jade silk shell. I'm just saying!

So this little accessory of mine does not come without a price and that price is that I have to submit a report representing a lean process to the CEO of our organization on the 10th of each month. The clock is ticking and I am trying not to freak out. My husband says I thrive on this type of pressure and maybe he is right, but I really am trying to not freak out. I am also chomping at the the bit to get back to my degree program. I have approximately 40 credit hours and then I can start looking at Masters programs. This gets me back to my parents and why couldn't they have been the normal supportive, send your kid to college parents, but then I have to stop myself from going down that road because it makes me mad and bitter and resentful.

Instead, I will focus on all that I have that they never did and that my brother never will. It does not make me happy that I am more fortunate, it just makes me not take it for granted.

Visions of Passing Out....

I am getting my Black Belt tomorrow morning and I am very excited. Except that I am getting it from the CEO, in front of the other executives, in the executive Board room, in front of the other Black Belts, and I am likely to pass out. But super exciting huh?

Today went really fast, thanks in part to me being totally and completely abandoned by my Leads. In fact, I do not get them back until Wednesday and I just might be in the psych ward by then. I did One on Ones today - 7 of them, with like 10 more to go before I can call it a week. I sat in a meeting where the phrase "take it in the shorts" was used. I love my job!

Lost for A Sunday.

So I have shut down my political blog and stopped watching Meet The Press. So I am finding myself lost on Sunday mornings and close to sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, mumbling to myself. I am only reading half of my Sunday paper and can't help but wonder how I am going to make it through four years of this?

I am trying to write a book and as a romantic, I have a great story line. Unfortunately, portions are based on a relationship that has had no closure for me and so I am still too close to it. This results in a block that I cannot move.

I have written half a dozen paragraphs in this blog that I have ultimately erased. I think I am way too tired to have a concise and thorough thought.

6 am on Saturday

I had so much to add to my love what you do and the rest will come verbiage, however, I was so tired last night, I could barely think. The most obscene thing about this is that I am now up at 6 am on a Saturday morning, blogging and watching Lilo & Stich with my Little, and drinking apple juice. I am still too tired to be interesting, but had a great day yesterday.



Some backstory - I stepped on the toes of an executive staff member and his employees were furious with me. So move forward two weeks to my meeting with him and I am nervous. First of all, I want something from him that will require him to trust me and Secondly, there is the business of me pissing off his staff. Of course, my intentions were good and I did it thinking that I had the authority to do so based on some miscommunication, but none of this I shared and instead decided to own the error so that I did not come off defensive.



My experience with this particular executive was insanely educational, inspirational, and like none other I have had in the past nine months. He wanted me to get to know him and he wanted to get to know me before we ever got to the meat of the agenda. Seriously, we went way beyond the half hour that was schedule, but I honestly could have hung out with him for a few more hours. In the end, I found more mentoring and another leader.

Love What You Do and the Rest Will Come....

I am still exhausted, but not feeling it as much as I should given I got up at 3:30 thanks to my Little and the dogs. I am pretty sure I have exercise to thank for that, but a little adrenaline and a latte in the morning helps I am sure. So I am conflicted. I am trying to maintain my new public servant budget, but I am pretty sure on a dietetic scale, a sugar free vanilla skim milk latte is better for me than black coffee with french vanilla creamer. I am ready to move from a grande to a tall, so really the cost is minimal. Please weigh in on this if you have an opinion!!

Tomorrow morning is the executive staff presentation of our event results and I am a little nervous. I have been told our CEO is coming and I know that both the COO and the CFO will be present. My nerves come from the fact that this is my first event, I want the E-staff to be pleased with both our work and the results, including the positive financial impact this should have, and I want to show that I can add value to the organization with my participation in the Lean process. No pressure or anything.

One of my 20 yr old employees sat down to talk to me today as I have not really seen them this week. It was apparently obvious that I am tired and she mentioned it to me, encouraging me by talking about all the overtime I must be getting. She then realized I was salary and asked me about the bonus program, which we do not have. Jumping topics, she asked me if I ever get overwhelmed by my job. That is a great question because I am feel overwhelmed at times. It is not my job though. My job is fairly simple and I think that I have become a competent Supervisor. I have a lot of tasks that the other Supervisors do not as I have more employees than one and more responsibility than the other. So where I start feeling overwhelmed is when I have to be two Supervisors, the manager, and the Director all in one. I told her that I make it through each task and each day through the love of my job and that I was so impressed by the employees that work for me. You have to love what you do and the rest will come.

A Step Forward....

I am satisfyingly exhausted tonight. I have done good work and I have physically exhausted my body through good work and exercise. My daughter had an outrageous fit this evening, and I was a great Mommy. It sounds like everything is coming up roses, but I have had some very frustrating moments that required me to breathe.

I have passion and I have anger. Sometime the two get blurred into one big emotion. I want my passion to drive me and inspire me. I want my anger to subside and dissipate into a puddle of waste. I often think about the regret I feel and the issues I have surrounding my failure to be what I wanted to be and to have the life I thought I should/would have and if I can let go of that I can have the life that I can build for myself without the baggage I currently have.

Voting Day, But I Don't Have Control Over It

I smiled as I walked across the hospital campus today. My day started by explaining the words problematic and systems to my daughter. If you have ever had a curious child, then you know how difficult and comical it is to try to define words like this is. Driving in, I chose to ignore the political discussions and shut off the radio altogether when they announced the polls had opened.

So off to my event I went with coffee in hand, eager to get down and dirty, and work for change. I smiled because of the opportunity of the day, but also because of the beauty of the campus, the weather, and the hospital.

I am not smiling tonight though. I am also trying to not be annoyed. OK, I have to carry my Little to bed now.

How Does A Walrus Walk?

The funniest thing: my daughter showed me how a walrus walks. It was wicked clever. She made a necklace today and showed me the girl bead. She tried tomatoes on her sandwich, but decided she did not like them after all, but she tried them. I am teaching her to ride her bike and we went around the block while I walked the dogs. Our neighbors had their trash cans out for tomorrow morning and so she had to place her trust in me to help her go down the sidewalk and then up again and she told me that she trusted me - which felt great. Today I am in awe of the wonders of being the Mommy of a 4 yr old. I love and adore her and miss her when I am not with her.

I had a great day all around. Yeah me.....

Boys are Dumb!

I was so anxious yesterday and thought about sitting down to write to see if that helped, but alas I could not sit still long enough. My day started with ballet for Little and then was supposed to be errands and maybe that is why I felt creepy crawly all day. Of course, the 10 pounds of Halloween candy I consumed could have contributed to me climbing the walls, but I am a stress eater, so I have go back to the idea that something was actually wrong.

I hate when I get to this point and despite my daughter's fit and my husband's stupidity, I do not think I actively took my nerves out on either one of them. That being said, I am getting really tired. I am tired of making dinner, I am tired of laundry, I am tired of arguing with a 4 yr old person, and I am tired of having to explain things to my husband that he should be smart enough to either understand or not admit when he does not.

The worse part is that he will actually try to turn his inadequacies into my short-comings and blame me for his inabilities. I find this both funny and annoying, though presently, I am annoyed and have been since I went to bed last night.

As my best friend says Boys are dumb!

2 Witches In My House

I am one of those Mommy's that would be just fine putting her child into a bubble in which no one could hurt her and she would never scrape her knee. So the thought of my Little running from house to house yelling trick or treat was not ideal for this scenario. My heart stopped every time someone answered the door, especially if it was a man. She was with a group of girls and both G and I were there along with both sets of the girl's parents, so I felt a little better about that. My Little had such a good time and in all honesty, this is the first year she has really wanted to trick or treat, so I relaxed a bit. Then this morning, I read that a little boy was shot to death and his cousin injured as they walked up to a house last night. All of a sudden, my crazy does not seem so much so anymore!

My biggest success? For the first time in 10 years, my husband gave out candy to the little ghouls and gobblins that came to our door. Baby steps!