My Little

My Little is being tested and we got a call today that the test is on Monday. She turned 5 in January, but is already in Kindergarten and is successfully completing the curriculum. So now we have to get her into a First Grade. Well that is fine, except that she has to go through the application and testing process within the Gifted and Talented program for our school district. I am so excited for her, but I am terrified at the same time. She wants to do normal things like ride the school bus - except that I begin to panic and go towards a full blown anxiety attack whenever I think about it.

Is it possible that I am back?

So I got up on time, left my house on time, made it to Starbucks in time, and got to work early. I am so hoping this means I am back. I stopped by the local Jazzercise facility to see if they were open yet, but no such luck. I am losing an average of 5 lbs a week and so of course, I have gone to that place in my head that says, if you start running, you could lose 25 pounds a month. Yes, this is almost obsessive and I am really trying to reign in that kind of behavior. If I don't, I will wind up 95 pounds sucking on a crack pipe. Ok, not really, but I am moderation challenged.

In other news, I am taking two classes this session - which is 8 weeks long. I am taking Crisis Intervention and Statistics. I laugh when I think about actually taking Crisis Intervention as between my parent's house and working at the Knife and Gun club, I could realistically teach the course. I need two term paper topics and have so much I could draw on from both experiences.

The idea of graduating with my Bachelors has become such a reality and I cannot believe this can be true. I have always wanted my degree, but never felt like it was possible or that I was worthy. Not only am I excited by my pending degree, I am looking at MBA programs. Oh what a difference a few months make.

Nope, I am not that patient

So, I had a good couple of days and love to listen to the melody of my daughter's laugh. I have run errands and I have done laundry and I am making dinner. I have gotten so damn normal.



I am starting to level out a bit on my medication, which means I am not so nauseated by the thyroid pills in the morning. I am still dropping weight, though my blood pressure has been a little high. I am also retaining more water than the Hoover dam and I am sure most of you can guess on that one! I am still not allowed to run - doctor's orders. Something about my joints, my knees, and my heart - blah blah blah. I really want to do the Tri for the Cure, so we made a deal. I will do everything he tells me to do, train for the swimming and biking and freaking walk up until the last possible training second and then evaluate my health. I need to stay patient and I know that, but now that I am armed with information, I am ready for 100% change in my life. Nope, I am not patient.

Hypo for the Normally Hyper

So I have hypothyroidism, which is a thyroid that does not function. It does not do its job and it will never ever work again. It is a squatter, a mooch, and now, thanks to the daily medication - a permanent welfare recipient. As I write this, I almost feel like I might feel better about this if I have it removed from my body. I want to be better - I just want to be better and I want this dead decayed no good worthless butterfly shaped didn't do its job part out of my body that wants to finally for God's sake be healthy!

So the positive side of all of this is that I am on the medication, which is making me nauseous and providing no relief - but I understand that will all change and at some point I will begin to feel amazing. My physician was extremely impressed that I took the diabetes news so seriously and lost 9.5 pounds in 13 days with my new eating plan. More than anything, with my broke dick thyroid, he could not believe I was able to successfully lose any weight at all.

I am feeling restless. I want to feel better and I want to feel better now. I do not have enough energy to enjoy my job and yet, I am having such a hard time sleeping at night. So I wake up aggravated and sad and disappointed that I have to struggle myself to the shower and to get ready for work. I walk into my hospital already counting down the hours before I walk out again. These things do not sound like me and I do not like this person. I am ready for her to pack her bags and get the hell out. I want the best version of me, I have waited so long for her.

Not My First, Not My Last

It is weird how my mind set has changed in less than two weeks. I was actually worried that because I did not eat enough, get enough sleep, and was feeling stressed today, I would see a weight gain rather than a weight loss at my weigh in this afternoon. In fact, all the way there, I drove the speed limit - which is slow for me, practiced breathing, and tuned my radio to calming music rather than rock. I am still not flush for the day in that I should eat one more fruit, one more fat, and three more veggies before I call it a day, but I am not hungry and just will not do it for the sake of doing it. I will just do better tomorrow.

Today was a better day for me professionally in that I had to make some significant apologies to a C-level executive, who was incredibly gracious and unruffled by my mistake. I had a great plan that ultimately I executed poorly during the time in which I was going through my sugar detox. The lesson I learned was invaluable and worth it from a big picture perspective. I received some incredible support, advice, and mentoring from two sources I never thought I would and I am grateful to those sources when they come to me like that.

Tri As I Might

Tonight was book club night and I was a little hesitant to "come out" with my friends. I hate any indication that I might be feeble, weak, or infirm - which is bizarre considering I love to take care of my friends when they might be the slightest bit ill. Anyhow, we had it at a dear friend's house, but she ordered Maggiano's take-out. Not for this girl - I took a salad, tilapia, cantaloupe, and a protein bar. While they sipped on fragrant red wine, I drank more water and enjoyed my friends. Normally, I feel rushed and anxious about the dinner part and the paying part and the eating and whatever, but tonight, I was able to enjoy the conversation and the company. In talking to G on the way home, he asked if I felt like I had missed out on something, did I feel deprived and though I would have liked a glass of wine, I honestly don't feel like my experience was altered in any way. I am truly and genuinely happy to have had what I had, which was just enough.

In other news, a 2 yr old came into our Peds ED today after being backed over by a car. Because of my loss, I am un-usually hypersensitive to small children being critically injured and find myself crying, eating chocolate, or in a funk for periods of time after an incident. Not today, today I was appropriately sympathetic and appropriately touched by the situation, but I remained intact and capable. I did not feel overly solemn or affected. I was able to deal with what it was, the mother, the Police, my clerks, and move on. It felt great and I feel like I might have a chance at being a normal person without bad habits.

Now that I am becoming healthy - body, mind, and spirit - I am hopeful that I can translate my new found zen and ability to eat one day at a time to an ability to exercise one day at a time and in a reasonable way. In our last episode, our heroine was expecting to get on the treadmill and run 10 minute miles after a long hiatus from exercise and many pounds added. In reality, I am going to try to exercise 5 times between now and next Tuesday - and I am going to allow brisk walks with the dogs count, no matter how short the distance or duration. Every activity in which I put on my running shoes, will count and I will be satisfied with just enough. Of course, my friends are talking me into the Tri for the Cure and I am just tempted to bite. Old habits die hard and too much change at once is not good for anyone!

Good News or Bad News - You Decide!

So good news! I am sick! No, I mean there is really something medically wrong with me - two things actually. I am excited about this because it means I am not crazy and have not just turned into a lazy cow. So the extent of my diagnosis is still unknown - the office would only tell me so much over the phone, so I have to go see my physician for the full court press next Monday.

So I am borderline diabetic, which I figured out by the way I feel now that I have given up sugar. Minus the 3 day detox, which was hell, my energy level changed overnight. I am not 100%, but I am better than what I was. So pair that with a thyroid that is not functioning properly and no damn wonder I am dragging ass.

On a high note, I have been on my plan for a week tomorrow and today I weighed in 7 pounds lighter. It is a huge victory for me in that I have the hardest time getting my first 5 pounds off whenever I make it a goal to lose weight. Now, before we overly excited, I have a lot more to go but we are taking a week at a time!

Are Tums on plan?

So today is Day 5 of my new meal plan, but with detox, it is only day 2 I suppose. I have lost almost 4 pounds this week, but my eating sucks. First of all, I am tired of meat. I am tired of steak, chicken, shrimp, and turkey. I am tired of eggs and I am tired of raw veggies. I am tired of 80 ounces of water. I am not tired of the 8 ounces of milk in my skinny vanilla latte, the whole grain bread, the cottage cheese I can have 3 times a week, or the fruit. My stomach is tired of all of it and upset. I want my yogurt back and a turkey dog and some soup. It is way to early to want as I still have a year of this so I need to figure it out and find the right combination.

The other thing that has become glaringly obvious is that I have not been eating enough and so I think my body has learned to exist in starvation mode.

I just finished reading the best book by a blogger turned author -she can be found at www.dietgirl.org

The Sugar Detox

So, I have not been feeling well, as I have posted a time or two and it has gotten worse. It was time for my annual physical so I went ahead and scheduled an appointment, which was this past Monday. My conversation with my physician was a wake up call and there could be some real medical issues surrounding how I am feeling. So the first step was to eliminate sugar from my body, which took the form of a 3 day cleanse eating only lean protein, raw green vegetables, an orange, vitamins, and 80 ounces of water. So true to form, I just kind of stopped eating this week and have just felt awful. So I have a meal plan for the next 54 weeks and it is strict. I have a exercise plan for the next 54 weeks and it is strict. I feel like even if the blood tests come back ok, this is a real real thing and I will not take any more chances. Now I am getting a migraine a week and they are getting worse - so I will be going on medication for that in two weeks.

So, I am sick and hungry and tired and detoxing and my poor husband has been such a Prince. I am sick of myself this week and so the very fact that he calls me his Beautiful Wife, rubs my feet, and is so sweet to me tells me he loves me unconditionally. Amazing!

So the other bit of news is that my doctor thinks I should give up running and find a new outlet. Just typing that sentence has made me sad enough to cry. I just cannot think about not ever running again and so I won't.

And We're Back...

And I'm back. This past two weeks has been nothing but meetings, metrics, interviews, school work, house work, and being sick. Seriously. I have had a few tantrums in there as well, but when I look back at my schedule - I have almost nothing to show for it, except for the stuff that I do.

On the upside, I am back to a place of self-loathing regarding my weight and lack of mileage. I am mad and in the "Oh F It" place and so that gives me license to eat like crap, which then puts me in a place of feeling guilty, which then carries onward and upward from there. I have two weeks off of school and I am hopeful that I will get my act together in that time.

So, the Biggest Loser controversy is making me a little sick to my stomach. When I watched the show, I thought What is wrong with me that this man, who is still grossly overweight, can run a marathon and I cannot? Well, he did spend 6 hours a day, 7 days a week for like what 8 weeks exercising, but still.... Then I heard what he said on the Today Show about the staffer wanting a great shot, Well, I can see that, but you are trading your integrity and that it just not ok. I do not care who he is and to be honest, you are not being paid to create effect. You are a participant in a weight loss show that is meant to inspire all of us fatties to get off our arses. Bad form and based on the people who made bad choices in the past, he will not win. I am still questioning where to go from here with the show and unfortunately, I really like these people. I have stake in their game and in the trainers. I have not stopped watching, but I am going to think twice before getting involved in the next season!