Yea, I have nothing

Today was the first day since January 28th that I have not left the house. And I mean, I did not leave the house, not even one step out. Now that it is 10:00 at night, I feel like I have sort of wasted my day and should have 1) gone for a walk, 2) gone to the grocery store, 3) taken my 4 yr old to ballet, even though she woke up too late to go, 4) gone tanning, 5) bought a lottery ticket - any of those things would have served me well. But I cannot say I was a total bum inside either. I did some laundry - yes, bed linens count! I cleaned two toilets and this would be a victory, except there are 5 bathrooms and so I must do two more tomorrow (no, I do not even consider touching the boy's john- GROSS!). I did dishes, made meals for all of us all day, started cleaning out the pantry, and tried, unsuccessfully, to take a nap. I have also made a decision on going back to school, which is one of the things on my list. I will get into that when I start, but I think I can mark it off.

I have tried to read & write today, both unsuccessfully. I am going to chalk it up to being tired and not getting that much needed nap - and now that I think about it, I have not had any coffee today! WTF? Anyhow, my book club is reading The Red Tent and I am sure one of them mentioned when I was not listening, but it is about characters in the bible. That is not turning me off initially, as I have heard the book is good, but man I cannot focus on reading. I have also given some thought to writing a book and nothing is flowing from my brain - as you can probably see from this boring entry. Yea, I have nothing...good night gracie!

Say Good Bye To Friday

bI had a really good day...So my work schedule is such that I currently have Fridays and Saturdays off. With my promotion, the back filling of my old position, and the placement of some key per diem staff, I am going back to weekends off. This is good and bad. First the pros: I do not get days off currently in that I am always busy on Fridays and Saturdays begin with ballet at 9am, I am a huge football fan so I can go back to spending my Sundays in front of the big screen, doing laundry, and yelling at quarterbacks, and I will be in sync with my family. The cons: well, I like my Fridays in which I can go to the trainer at 9am, have lunch with friends, schedule appointments, and let's be honest - go to an empty movie theater in the middle of the day. Cons aside, I am going back to having my weekends off.



So I am counting down my last two Fridays off and really, next week is 4th of July, so it does not count as mine. Today was the perfect Friday!! My beautiful Little, came in, as she always does in the morning and was genuinely thrilled to see me in the house. (Sunday - Thursday, I am up and out of the house before she even starts stirring) It is interesting to me that she gets tickled every single Friday, gasps, and crawls into my bed for a quick snuggle. After dropping her off at her school/camp, clad in her Disney Princess bathing suit, pink cover up, pink sunglasses, and pink water shoes - with dolphin towel in two (yes, they had splash day and no she does not wear bathing suits as outfits) I headed off to my trainer. Even though I did not work out with her this week, I still grabbed the heavier of the weights for each of the exercises. I work out with two other women and our trainer puts out their weights and what she deems as my necessary weight, never saying anything, but secretly hoping that I will chose correctly. And today, I did.



Sweaty and feeling empowered, it was off to the tanning salon, then Starbucks for coffee, back home to do some work, into the shower, and off to the local outside mall to meet my friend.



So I have to give some back story on my friend. She is beautiful and brilliant and has a rack that fake titties would envy. She was recently offered a great position with a local company after spending 3 years working at home for a company outside of Colorado. I prompted her to take it concerned that after buying 2 more cats (a total of three), some gerbils, and another dog (which makes two), she is turning into the crazy cat lady and must in fact get out of her house!



Anyhow, the poor girl has been wearing wash and wear all this time, and I had to ask her today if she even owned any shoes - NO flip flops are not appropriate office wear!



So we hit Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, and JJill. The trio deluxe - ok so Talbots was on our list, but Panera Bread got us side tracked by their Iced Green Tea (they finally admitted that they use crack to make me crave it fortnightly), corn chowder, and chocolate chip cookies! We picked up our girls at school, headed to her house, and enjoyed a glass of wine before parting ways.



And Now To Top It Off - IT'S WHAT NOT TO WEAR NIGHT!!!!!

I should give it up...

Oh my God, I am so not funny this week and my posts are the least of my problems. I am dragging ass tonight as I sit here trying to think of witty things to say while my entire brood is asleep - which quite frankly, is where I should be. Luckily, I have the first of two three day weekends in a row to attempt to bring my funny back.

Wow, all of that was pretty whiny! And I am sitting here watching Kathy Griffin, Margaret Cho, and Cyndi Lauper try on Mardi Gras costumes for the Australian Gay parade. This is so sad!

The grass is always greener, unless you have to sit....

Today I went to a sales presentation AS A PROSPECT. Ten years of sales and I am now the potential customer. Let me give you the low down on what I now know:

• No one cares who the team members in the room are, especially if they out number the guests.
• No one is as impressed with your title as you are
• No one will understand your inside jokes, except your team, who will laugh hysterically because you are the CEO.
• And by the way, what the fuck do quotes from old dead guys have to do with healthcare technology.

God help me, what I ever this boring - Wait, nope of course not!

Anyhow, I have a short attention span, but I got some good information from the current customers - who ran hospitals throughout the country. Yes, I realize I am running a shift within a department within a hospital within an organization - but one day I will be in charge!

I WORE A DRESS!!!

So Monday morning, I took my sassy new hair and put myself in my sassy new dress. Thank God for my sassy new hair or else I am not sure I would have had the nerve to strut my stuff. I have to say that I did feel sassy all over and did pretty well keeping my legs together when sitting, had my girls tucked away - that is until the end of the day when I was trying to talk a clerk through an application and leaned completely over the counter neraly revealing my serial number to the patients in the waiting room. Thank God for my very gay, very loyal Lead by my side, who then blocked my backside. Ok, I am looking for my next dress!!

Short Man Syndrome

As things heat up in Denver, so does the violence and I find myself wondering if like the heat, if it will get worse before it gets better. I find myself losing patience with one of my peers - who quite frankly, will fit nicely in a drawer. I wonder if I am just getting tired of all the shit that surrounds him on a weekly basis or if I am just feeling the effects of the summer sun? I am big on integrity, which is defined as doing what you say you are going to do. If you say you are emailing me something I need before you leave town, then there better be a tragedy of sorts that kept you from it. But this guy, well he is a piece of work. Not only did he not get me what was promised, but then instead of apologizing or even making a dumbass lame excuse, he tries to pin his up and coming problems on me. Seriously son, this is not my first rodeo and you my friend are a rookie in the game of corporate stupidity.

Deserted Island, Sex Change - It is a toss up!

Have you ever wanted to find a deserted island...Anyone who says no, does not have children, is a liar, or is medicated. Once upon a time, I heard a comedian (and I am not sure which) say that any couple with one child cannot call themselves parents. I think this is so funny and bordering on true. Our house has a different vibe when all three kids are home, especially if they all want something from me because that something, no matter how large or small is needed right now and always at the same time that Sibling A or C needs it. And really, I want to come back as a married man because that is the freaking life!

One Vote for Madness

So where was I? Promotion, Disaster Drill - by the way, I died, employee went to court - on probation but no jail - it was a good day indeed. My "Little" was a bee in her ballet recital last Friday and Saturday night-aren't they cute? Last week, I was so busy that I had to blow off my book club. Pride & Prejudice was the selection - have you ever read the book? Yeah, me neither! My heart is completely broken because I was also forced to miss THE Jen Lancaster. On a positive note, I started Weight Watchers online, made it to the trainer twice this week, and got a new trendy haircut with some color. AND Oh My Gawd I bought a dress. Oh yes sir I sure did - so once I wear it, I am marking it off my list.

Have you ever been in a plus sized dressing room? Well I have and almost fell over in mine today when I heard the woman in the room next to me say, Are they kidding - push up bras do not belong on boobs this big. If I push them up too high, they'll choke me. Plastic pillows, what the hell do I need with plastic pillows. The woman with her was trying to convince her that baby doll shirts look good on plus sized women if they are wearing the right bra. To me, that is like convincing a toothless hooker that she would look like a banker if she wore the right lipstick and a blazer with her fishnets. All the way around it is a stretch.

There is so much hospital drama that I could write about, but I am not sure it is all that interesting to civilians. We kind of stood around the other night in the Emergency Department laughing about how bizarre we are as we waiting for a Gun Shot Wound to show up after hearing he had been delivered to the front door rather than to the ED. We are a bizarre breed of people that we can dig through the pants of a man who has been hit by a train in an attempt to identify him or that during a bomb threat we will drive back towards the very hospital being threatened just to make sure everyone is ok. I am so happy with my job, whether I am presenting functionality information to the COO, participating in the Employee of Month committee selection, or asking an intoxicated homeless man to watch his language as he is offending other patients in the vicinity. Mysterious or Madness - you decide.

The Plague

I have the plague. It is either from the bug bites or the sunburn but one of them has given me the damn plague. I am tired, oh so very tired. I thought I could get a short snooze in before G got home tonight, but he is home early. That would normally be ok, but Mr. P90X Challenge is in my face about taking care of myself. Grilling me on what I ate today, have I had enough water, and no, a beef and bean burrito at 1pm is not a good source of protein or taking care of myself. And really, why can't I have ice cream at night before bed. Because of the sugar of course and although I had already resolved to stop eating ice cream before bed because my face is breaking out, I am just too pissed that he would suggest it to me. Seriously, I am tired and this is bordering too close to grumpy tired!

Did I mention the Disaster Drill we are having tomorrow. The 2nd one in the last 30 days. All because the DNC is coming to town. Maybe they gave me the plague!

Candy the Cane

Not only do I look like a candy cane with the red and white, but blood sucking bugs think I must also taste like sweet candy and now I also look like I have the mumps. I live in Colorado, the majestic and beautiful Mile High City. The weather has been perfect and yet, I freaking hate the outdoors. Sunburn, itchy bites - what the hell?

So my trainer (and no she is not just for show) called me tonight from Chicago, where she is stranded. I got more and more excited as the call went on, though you could tell by her voice she was aggrevated, sad, and disappointed. Then she said the magical words, "so we will not be able to train tomorrow". I felt so bad for her that I waited until she was off the line to Yippee. Is it wrong for me to want to kiss her with tongue?

To round off my interesting Sunday, I had this actual conversation with one of the girls who works for me.

"Hey, did you get around to approving my PTO for the 16th? I have to go to court"
Me: "Yes, you should get an email notification, but let me know if you don't"
Her: "So if I don't get jail time, can I come to work after my court apperance?"
Me: "Wow, I was just thinking the same thing!"

White Trash Is Another Man's Treasure

I am officially white trash. Yes, there's more to this than a toothless grin. So G and I collect things and for the past several (read 10) years, we have collected sets of furniture - couches to be exact. In the coming months, we are going to downsize our life, so I decided to participate in the annual community garage sale. To those of you who have had garage sales, please know that this is my first and so I had no idea how not fun they really are. NOT FUN. However, who really needs 5 sofa/love seat sets?

I had this all planned out in my head. 8am Garage Sale begins. 8:03 am mad rush ensues, and by 1:30 everything is gone-allowing me to dash off for a well deserved, much needed pedicure. Problem is that it didn't happen that way. At 2pm I called G for advice. The conversation went something like this:

Me-Ok, so it is almost 2pm and I am wondering how long I should sit out here
G-What time did the flier say?
Me-(He cannot possible think I will stay out here until 4:30 because some realtor planned it that way, can he?) 8-4:30
G-Until 4:30 then
Me-Well, can you call someone to bring me some lunch
G-Bring you some lunch? You cannot walk into the house and make yourself a sandwich?
Me-Walk inside and make a sandwich? Aren't you afraid that I might get too self-sufficient?
G-Self-Sufficient?
Me-Yes, I mean I have slaved away and...
G-Slaved? You slave?
Me-You know the slaves rose up, educated themselves, and then rebelled
G-I'm not worried as long as there's heavy lifting to do

NICE!

So the best thing about today is that I was able to sit in my garage with me feet propped up reading SUCH A PRETTY FAT by Jen Lancaster. It was nice to read it in solitude as my snorting and laughing usually chases my family away anyhow. It was too funny! Asshat still gets me every time!

So, G came home, we put our things back in the garage for Round two tomorrow and I went upstairs to rinse off the stink of strangers looking bargains. As I stood in the shower, G opened the door, looked at me naked as a jaybird and started to laugh. This would have offended me except that I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. Too add insult to injury, he was quick to point out that I look like I was wearing a wife beater. With a broken TV on our curb and bright red patches over most of my body, I am the very definition of white trash! Except I have all of my teeth......