The Wanna Be Athlete Says....Part 1

I wrote this piece shortly after the Tri For The Cure, and just found it again.

Eventually the panic set in and the minutes flew by as I began to beg myself to go to sleep. I started to do the math, how much sleep would I get if I fell asleep NOW? Defeated, I got up shortly before 5am and got excited as I dressed. I put my things in the 4Runner, my bike on the rack, and drove away from my dark house. As I walked my bike up the hill, carrying my gear, I became winded. That was the point in which my mind became loud and clear "What the hell am I doing here?" So the battle began between my logical self "Turn around, go home, it is not too late" and my adventurous self " I've come this far, I have the outfit, It will be fine". My feet continued to follow the crowd and eventually, I was in the transition area. I placed my bike on the rack, set my bag down, looked around, and the levity of where I was set in. I am 34, overweight, out of shape to the point that I just winded myself walking my bike up a hill, and have less than an hour before I begin my first triathlon.

My concern grew as the women around me pulled bottled of water and various liquids out of their bags. I pulled out my single water bottle meant for my bike, a mountain bike that quickly looked out of place next to the shiny thin road bikes built for speed. Next came the multitude of bars, sports gels, and other nutritional supplements. I put my single package of Clif blocks in my helmet. I was making a list of my mistakes this far: 1) not enough training! 2) I showed up! 3) not the right bike 4) brought only one bottle of water 5) would have to eat my equipment after depleting my two servings of blocks. I decided to stop analyzing my gear and take a look at the water course. The weather was perfect, the water was clear, and in the distance, far far away were two floating orange pyramids. Mistakenly, and out loud I said "Oh, that doesn't look too bad. We swim in between them and back". My face remained frozen with a Stepford smile as the woman standing next to me corrected my silliness. We would swim to the first cone, around it on to the second, around the outside of both, and then head back to shore. "How exciting. Good Luck" was all I could muster. This new information left me with no choice but to find the Port O Let. As I stood in line, I kept one eye out for one of my co-workers who was also competing. I was so distracted that I blurted out "I'm not sure what the hell I am doing here " in response to something the woman behind me had said, but I never heard. She laughed and agreed. In the distance, the National Anthem was being sung. "And the home of the brave". With tears in my eyes, I decided I was brave and was going to try the Tri.

A Household Divided

So I am a passionate person with opinions. My husband is also a passionate person with many opinion - most of them wrong!, as is our middle son and the "Little". The only weakling in our house is the oldest son, who fits in well at his mother's. Tonight we are watching the ALCS, but are living as a household divided. Lucky for him, the oldest son is out for the night, but the other two idiots are cheering for the Red Sox as I sing Cleveland Rocks! I am ok with Boston taking tonight's game because that will draw out the series one more night and set the Rockies up against a tired team, but how fun would it be to have the Indians in town for a World Series sweep? Men! What do they know?

I Got In the Wrong Line...

Seriously, all hell is breaking loose in my life right now and for every step I take forward, I am sent two paces back. G has rushed our male German Shepherd to the Animal Hospital. He has been throwing up, tilting his head to one side, and walking like a newborn colt that has not yet found his legs-including crashing into things. He is not drinking much and not eating at all. The vet thinks that is an old dog syndrome that could get worse before it gets better, but my dog is now on two medications and one of them is three times a day. If he is not better, then they will do x-rays and brain scans to look for tumors. I just need my life to get easier for a while - Who do I talk to about this?

Baby Steps

I am a step closer to knowing what I should be doing and it is based on the fact that I have gotten a tad bit depressed in the last three days. I know for sure, that I need to be around people. If not every day, then every other day. It is not enough just to talk to 100 people on the phone or via email. I need to look you in the face and give you an old fashion "Howdy"!
Secondarily, a friend of mine told me that I am good at calling people I do not know and asking them to do what I need them to do (this has been true in a couple of cases). In fact, two different people, who do not know each other, told me today I should be a fundraiser. Ok, I can buy this, but it would have to be for something I am passionate about. Could it really be that I have taken one step toward the nonprofit world?

I also learned today that when I get flustered and have no idea what to say, I say the complete wrong thing. I am working on honesty and being a really supportive friend, but sometimes I just plain suck. I don't mean to be ridiculous, but at the end of the day, I am a total goof ball. This why I laugh when people tell me that I can be intimidating - At the end of the day, I am just a goof ball.

All Questions...Still No Answers!

So people have been asking me how my job search is going. I feel surprised by this question until I realize that I have technically been unemployed for a week. In my mind, this is only my second day of unemployment given the hectic and busy schedule of last week. I have applied for a handful of positions and there are a couple of companies that I would really like to work for, but I want to make sure that I make the right decision. The last few positions I have held have been the wrong - well, I guess the wrong everything! Right now, I am very happy as I am going to the gym and then focusing on completely cleaning out and organization one room a day.

Happiness #2 is the Colorado Rockies. Holy Cow, where did these boys come from? They are proof in action that if you work hard enough, have passion, dedication, and live a clean life - you can move mountains! I am envious - I want to find a team that will take me to the "play-offs".

I have been asked about my pursuit of faith and spirituality through religion. I continue to go to church and have been attending for 3 weeks now. There are times that I feel touched and other times that I feel like an impostor. I have been lost for a lot longer than 3 weeks, so I think it is only fair for me to give this a bit longer. I am not sure what I am looking for or what I want to feel. This is similar to the question of what I want to do when I grow up. Questions, all questions and no answers!

Be Real

So each Fall, I lock on to a couple of new shows if I am in a position to replace things that have gone off the air (read Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip). I never actually get to watch tv, but instead have an intimate relationship with my DVR. Right now, Hot Shots is on my list of shows that has not necessarily made it permanently, but damn it is funny from time to time. I just finished watching the episode from last week and at one point I turned to my husband and asked, "Seriously, what is wrong with your people?". The gist is that one of the characters (Michael Vartan) is getting divorced after discovering that his wife was having an affair with his boss, which he discovers at his boss's funeral. The guys give him a re-bachelor party, which by the way, is a good idea for any divorce situation. Gets that rebound "relationship" out of the way! But this whole event sparks a discussion amongst the men about when women became so aggressive. The answer came from a woman in the office who said, "If we are barefoot, pregnant, and at home, you get bored with us. If we reside in the corporate world, we intimidate you." I thought this was profound given what I have been through from my own divorce to present day.

The other moment that stuck with me was when the men were in the steam room. They were talking about relationships and how much they loved/missed their women. Duncan was sharing his feelings for his ex-wife with whom he is sleeping with, but not confiding in. The guys tell him to share his feelings with her instead of them. The fourth guys says "Quick talk about baseball before they throw us out of the Men's steam room." So with this, I am back to my plead of saying what you have to say! I know I have been through this rant before, but the game of cat and mouse is just frustrating and boring. It screams insecure male, which the new age woman sniffs out in an instant. It is true of friends, lovers, employers, take your pick. You are neither clever nor stealth. Be real....forever real

Ok, baseball is on -gotta get a beer and watch the game!

Forever and The End

So I was able to mark off one task from my list: I finished reading Forever by Judy Blume today. It was a book that I had read once upon a time and one of my favorites. It is about a girl, Katherine, who meets and falls in love with Michael, with whom she has her first sexual experience. They are high school seniors and deal with teen pregnancy (not hers), the attempted suicide of a friend, and the expectations of parents. It is beautiful and sad as they break up at the end after 7 weeks away from one another the summer before they go to college. Katherine's story is completely different from mine in that I was never close to my parents, I was not as secure with myself as she was, and my first lover was not a boy I was in love with and in fact, I have never made love to the first boy I ever loved. There are things I miss about being young and if I had to do it all over again, would make very different choices. There are things I do not miss about being young and in high school. I never did well with boys and have no answer as to why. There is someone that I could ask, but I am not counting on an explanation. And I guess, why even go there, right?

So there have been some major changes over the past week - the most important being that I am unemployed. Before I start getting messages about this, it is for the best that I am no longer with my previous employer and have lost 10 pounds in the week that I have been gone. I was sad and depressed and unhappy though I loved the people that I worked with. I have applied for a couple of positions, but have only begun to think about what to do next today as I was so occupied with the DEMO gala. There are so many possibilities for me and I am excited. G wants me to focus on a career in writing, but I still think that needs to be a part-time activity. I think I have a great idea for a novel and will begin to work on that in my spare time and after I get caught up on my sleep.

I am still working on my spirituality and my faith and have been attending church. Last week they had a program in which the brass bells were played. I started to cry once I realized that it was Jesus Loves Me. It was the culmination of many years of mistakes and heartbreak and hardship and confusion and realization and relief. I am not a woman that cries, so the whole thing felt awkward to me. Today I chatted with the mothers at "Little's" dance class about being unemployed and what my next move would be. One of the women I think so highly of went through something similar and said that she prayed to get her answers. So I will pray to get my answers. Thus far, my prayers have gone unanswered in a way that is obvious to me.....but, as we know from the above paragraph, I do not easily give up, even when I should!

This is my colleague- Enough Said!

I Do Not Talk Enough? Really?

This morning, one of my co-workers told me today that I do not talk enough. (No, not sarcastically either!) I have literally never been told that in my lifetime. This afternoon, a different co-worker said that she wished she could sit closer to me in the cube farm so that she could hear my comebacks to the office shenanigans. (To which the poor guy sitting across from me said "She can get pretty raw.") The best part of this is that I do not always realize I am speaking. The same way that I have no idea that I am making faces at people during a discussion. My "Little" has picked up the face making habit and I have to tell you - we are funny looking. I can say that we because we are identical - Mini Me!