Welcome to my vacation from school

Today was the first Sunday in months that I have not had to work on a school assignment and wasn't real sure what to do with myself. So I baked 24 dozen cookies, watched football, and did laundry. I have a break from school until January and then I only have two classes before I graduate. I cannot believe I am going to walk across a stage on May 5th to accept my graduate diploma. I AM SO EXCITED. I am hoping that it opens new doors for me as it is time for me to take the next step in my career and I do not think socialized medicine is the right path for me. There has been some office politics drama and that has curbed my enthusiasm for the environment I am in right now.

My weight is coming down and I have been able to clean out a major portion of my closet. Because Little is out of school, I can get up a bit later in the morning and still work out and because I am out of school, I can exercise in the afternoons as well. The dance school is out until after the New Year, which will help me have more time to make meals at night. I hope the combination will assist in losing a few more pounds

They Say It's Your Birthday

Yes, today I am 39. Holy Crap- my last 30-something birthday. I guess getting older is a good thing given that the alternative is death. The best part of the weekend was that I ran a tiny bit and that got me inspired to do a little more of that. My beautiful friend reminded me how powerful running is as a competition with yourself through her blog and I yearn to feel that again. I have a lot to do in this next year and it's time to board the train.

Back in the saddle again

So I have been super busy, we have a new addition to our family: Kerstone's Baron Maximillian Von Atticus, the cutesy German Shepherd pup. My 2nd fill has taken hold and I am back to losing weight again. With the new puppy, I am getting more walking in. Little has started dancing, which gives me time to swim too. This is a marathon and not a sprint.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

So I went in for my two week follow up from my first fill. Based on the fact that I have lost less than a pound since my fill, I needed another one. In all fairness, she told me it might not be enough for a proper restriction, so she was not at all surprised. I am back on liquids until tomorrow, when I go back to soft foods. So I go back in two weeks and hope to have more traction. I know, 1-2 pounds a week is the target loss, but less than 1 in 2 weeks is totally deflating!

Apparently Today is Day One

So I went in yesterday for my first fill. I have a 14 cc band and was given 6 cc's for restriction. I was scared to death about a needle being inserted into my stomach, but I only felt the sensation of old saline moving through my port. So today is technically the beginning of my weight loss journey, despite me losing weight after surgery. That almost 20 pounds is considered a bonus, so whoo hoo for a bonus! I ave been only liquids and soft foods since and must be strict on only 4 ounces at a time. Ok, let's roll.

One Step Forward and One Step Back

Today was my last day at home recovering before I go back to work. I decided last night to keep Little at home from day camp so that we could do some baking and go swimming. So I got up to Little announcing that the neighbor's chickens had flown into our yard. With an over-protective 120 pound German Shepherd, any living thing in the backyard is in danger. We made healthy blueberry bars, had lunch with G, and then went off to the pool. I got several laps and swam for 30-45 minutes before I was interrupted by Little and her friends wanting me to play. That was my success of the day.

My failure, I ate too much at dinner and would really appreciate a case of bulimia right now, but no.

You win some and you lose some!

I Itch

So, I have shingles on the right side of my body, mosquito bites on the rest, and a anxiety over my professional life. I am not sure what is is causing me the most discomfort. The shingles are painful, thanks to their attraction to nerves, itch, and burn. Colorado is experiencing mutant mosquitos, which provide itchy mump-like bites. My job has turned into something that was once an exciting challenge to unsatisfying frustration. I think I have gotten to a place where I can finally appraise my own self-worth and feel confident about what I have to offer. G wants me to be patient a little while longer as there are many changes coming in the next couple of months. Our youngest son is moving back into the house tomorrow. We have given him a year of rent-free living in which we are paying his college tuition and books at the local Community College in an effort to raise his GPA and save money. Given that my sons are technically my step-sons, I have never lived with either one of them full-time and I have never lived with them not resenting the hell out of their mother for all the chaos she caused us and them. Little starts a new school in August, requiring me to add her into my morning for the first time since she started school. Fortunately, she will be wearing uniforms, which makes that stress-free. Little is starting back to dance in September and has a renewed dedication to it. We are also coming around to the idea of a new addition to the canine population as we continue to move past the death of our beloved Gunther. I also need to focus on my health as I begin to have fills and integrate exercise to a full schedule.

I am not patient and I feel like I am compromising my health, my education, and my time by remaining in a position that does not value me for what I bring to the table, but instead relish my position as scape-goat. I finish my MBA in the Spring and G is back to trying to talk me into staying at home until that happens. I feel like there is something I am meant to be doing and maybe I will find clarity once I am done with my Masters program.

For now, I am trying to not scratch what itches.

It was going so well....

It was going well. Little was headed back to camp, I had a plan. It was time to start swimming. That was all before I went to my doctor because of a bizarre heat rash that turned out to be shingles.

Post Op Day 12

So I plugged along nicely Post Op Days 3-5 and then got confused about what I was supposed to be eating. Fortunately, my post-op nutrition class was on Post Op Day 7 and I found out I was not eating enough. I went back to work the following day and did well with the appropriate number of meals, my protein drink, and my water bottle. I am eating approximately 2-4 ounces every 2 hours. My real challenge is meeting my water requirement every day and staying on schedule with eating. I was down to 274.4, but have put on 3 pounds and I weigh in at 277.4 currently. I wanted to freak out about the weight gain, but after research and discussing this with others, it is normal. I am not drinking enough water, having trouble taking my Benefiber, not always eating enough, not watching my sodium intake (and I am not supposed to be), and I am off full liquids and eating soft foods. My body is in a constant state of flux and change and so I am supposed to 1). Be Patient, and 2). Stop weighing myself everyday (the post op instructions say to stay off the scale and if that is impossible, weigh once a week).
On the positive side: I still have more energy than I have had in a very long time. I am exercising regularly and feel a little jealous that the Badwater Ultra marathon starts today – as if I could run that right now, or ever. I see changes in my body shape, even though the scale is not as friendly as I would want it to be. Little is at Girl Scout camp this week and so I can have a total inward focus to try and get back on track with the water, eating every two hours, and continue to exercise – not that she hindered that piece of it, in fact, she liked being in charge of me as we walked through the neighborhood.
I got off track with my postings trying to recover, finish one class up while starting another, and getting Little packed for her week of “roughing” it in the beautiful mountains where she will ride horses. This in itself is a good lesson that life does not slow down because you are in the midst of self-improvement.

Post Op Day Three

I have had major improvements in my post op healing in the last couple of days. I am supposed to walk 60 minutes a day in any increment. The first day, I went 6 times for 10 minutes. Now I am at 3 times a day for 20 minutes. So my schedule is something like this: Wake up, take Levothyroid, wait 30 minutes, drink 1 oz of protein (Isopure or Muscle Milk light) at the top of every hour, drink 1 oz of water every 15 minutes after, and take deep inhales into my spirometer twice an hour. Of course, there is a lot of trips to the little girl's room with all that liquid and then the walking - leaves little time for anything else. However, I went to a bar-b-que for a couple of hours last night and am on my way to get a pedicure with a friend of mine to celebrate her birthday. I am amazed to be losing about 2 lbs a day and weighed in at 280.4 today. Day by day, step by step.

Post Op Day One

So I had abdominal surgery yesterday and despite my nerves, it all went great. Today I feel like I did too many sit ups but have not used the prescription pain medication, opting for liquid Tylenol instead. I am on clear liquids until next Wednesday when I start mushy foods. I walked for 10 minutes every two hours today, drank one ounce of fluid every fifteen minutes, and had a teaspoon of sugar free jello. The best part of my day was my shower, but everything makes me tired. So I started this journey at 294, went into surgery at 287, and am 284 today. The goal I have with my physicians is to get to 135-140 and re-evaluate from there. I am going to take each loss a day at a time and be thankful to my body for carrying me through.

The Obvious

Nervous does not even begin to cover it and poor G is out of his mind with angst and worry.

The Final Countdown

So, I am having surgery in a few days. My pre-op is done, my medication is filled, and I am the first case Wednesday morning. I am changing my life completely. I have stopped taking much of my medication, some as a self-directive and some as physician directed. G bought me a kick ass elliptical that he constructed in the basement and I have made new BFFs at Max Muscle. I have 166 pounds to lose after losing a few pounds over the past few weeks. I start an all clear liquid diet on Tuesday, which consists of a clear protein drink, chicken broth, apple juice, water, and sugar free jello. I am anxious, nervous, and trying to be uber organized about everything. I will be on liquids the first 5 days after surgery, so....here we go.

Pharmacology

So here is where I am: my thyroid is not working producing high amounts of TSH for which I take thyroid medicine, my hemoglobin A1C is high and I am insulin resistant so I take metformin. The difficulty is that I cannot get my TSH and Hemoglobin A1C normal at the same time, which equates to constant re-adjustment of one med or another. Additionally, I take a zoloft substitute in an effort to maintain my energy level since I have not been sleeping through the night, which makes it difficult to want to exercise, which I cannot seem to manage on a consistent basis anyhow. A week ago, my physician prescribed a new medicine that was originally developed for seizures and strokes, but has been found to work for chronic migraine patients, of which I am one. Happily, I have not had one migraine since I began taking this little pill of perfection and the side effects are drowsiness - read: sleep like I am dead and loss of appetite - read: eat like a bird. So, needless to say, this is my favorite because it actually has results that I can apply to my daily life.

Catch Up in 200 words or less

Where do I start? I have stopped running, swimming, exercising. I am consumed with my MBA, work, my family, and the losses we have sustained this past year. I have just started the 7th class of 12 in my graduate degree and am looking forward to graduating next year. Thanks to a bout of premature peri-menapause, I was placed on hormones, which made me crazy and all girly. After nine months and several pounds, I have stopped taking them. The concern is that I am too young for menopause, but I am too young to feel insane also. In January, we had to put our beloved Gunther to sleep as he began suffering from cancer, which he was diagnosed with the last week in December. G, Little, and I were thrust into a deep, dark depression that took us weeks to resolve. In addition, Little began to have issues with her after school situation and so I pretty much threw an ultimatum at my boss. The result was that I changed my hours at work to 0530-1430, which means I am getting up at 0400 and in theory, going to bed at 2000. The problem is that I still do not sleep well, causing all kinds of issues. I am still suffering from headaches - though I am on a new medication that has two side-effects: drowsiness & weight-loss. I have only been taking it for a couple of days, but I cannot find a down side just yet. Little is much better after months of Mommy after-school and is going through interview after interview for private school in the Fall. Mommy is looking forward to school being out and Little going to camp so that she can sleep until 0500 or 0600 and not go to bed before the neighborhood kids.

I am a voyer in that I look at the pictures of my beautiful friend's baby boy and feel ashamed that I do not know him. I feel ashamed that I do not run and that I am in my own way. I want to run and yet, I cannot get out of my own way. I have put on so much weight over the past year and I can no longer resolve what part of that is me and what part of that is meds, hormones, excuses, etc.

I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I have had anything to say! It has been a challenging year and I would have liked to have had something to look back upon and feel accomplished for making it through. My beloved Gunther dog passed in January from an aggressive form of cancer, throwing us all into a deep, dark depression. My cat died in February of old age. As of now, I am more than half way through my Masters degree, hoping I made the right choice given the sacrifices my friends, my family, and I have and continue to make.