I Am A Black Belt

So I completed my Black Belt training and I get to breath easy for about 10 minutes. My first report is due December 10th and though I have made a list of quick and easy report topics, I feel so much angst about doing this right. I also feel indebted to my organization for giving me this opportunity, one that most have had to wait years to get. I am excited as well for if you know me, then you know that something like a Black Belt report and being the Team Lead for Rapid Improvement Events are right up my alley! My November is booked with RIE's and Value Streams. I have never been in an RIE, but I love Value Streams. Both of which I will explain better as I go through the process.

In other non-news, I have heard nothing about my application for the Director's job. I am not surprised as everything takes time within my organization and the position is still posted. This is also good news for me as it is giving me time to do a 100 days report and a business plan for the department. Things I would do to make improvements and what my plans would be for the 100 days in that position.

Leadership

So we had the most dynamic and interactive speaker address our Black Belt class. He is a Director within our organization and reports directly to the CEO. He is a physician and has turned his department into a well oiled machine. He grew up in a rough neighborhood and is one of those success stories that make you want to be someone from a Blue Collar life, which I am not. His discussion, and I say that because again, it was interactive and engaging, was about Leadership and what makes someone a Leader. We are all presumed leaders based on our selection for the the Black Belt program and I think the organization has done well in maintaining the exclusivity.

What was so interesting was that Dr. U ended his discussion with how to best Lead upwards to your manager and of course, discussed his examples of dealing with his manager - Our CEO. So of course, based on my most recent experiences with my previous Director, I cannot just sit there and instead must ask questions. Apparently, the frustration with my situation was detected in my voice,by more than one person, as apparent by the number of people who talked to me about my issues earlier - where they learned that my Leadership problems are not necessarily over. Different, but not over.

My success from all of this is two part in that I gained validity for my Leadership abilities and my abilities to detect a manager who will not ever be a Leader and I got to clarify that something my previous Director told me, that had me concerned about my ability to build a career at DH was a flat out lie. Seriously, how could she have known that the very Executive that she said I had offended would be a member of my class, would give me an audience based on this very subject - so appropriate, and would guide me based on some hierarchy and career concerns I had? So really if we are keeping score, there was more than the one lie she told me, but she is after all, gone now. I would be lying if I said that I was not disappointed by the whole thing in that I thought I had found someone to be my mentor, my guide, and someone I was willing to make look really good in return, but we never got there and I now believe, we never would have. So I now have really smart people on the look out for my new mentor as unfortunately, the interim Director will not be able to fill those shoes. I fully acknowledge that I am a strong personality with high expectations, who works really hard with dedication and passion. I am not always patient, especially when something needs to be fixed. I am loyal to those who are loyal to me and able to build the highest walls when I am played with. I have spent 11 years in sales, so I know when someone is lying to me and I too wear a really great smiley face when I am seething inside. I can accept constructive criticism and have the ability to adjust my course when I feel like it is coming from a place of genuineness. I do not respect self serving motives and live my professional life by one mission, that of our organization as a whole. Posers need not apply.

I'm Not Going To Give Up.....

I ran, I ran, I ran! Oh yes I did! Ok, so it was for two minutes at a time and really slow, but I freaking ran. Oh my Gawd it felt good until it didn't. My breathing worked, my lungs worked, until they didn't. But I am not going to give up - oh no not me.

Can I Have A Whoo Whoo?

Whoo Hoo, I worked out. I walked on the treadmill, did the elliptical, lifted free weights, and used some machines. Now, keep in mind that I was only with my trainer for 30 minutes, but it felt good and I did not pass out from a lack of oxygen. One more week of taking it easy and I am back at it. I want to run the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving and then move onto a 10K. I really need this. I crave this. I want this.

The Difference In Women & Men

I watched Sex in the City again today. This time I watched it with G and let me say: I am so so so happy I watched it for the very first time with him no where near me. He would have ruined the entire experience for me. I cannot convince him, no matter how hard I try, that this story could be any woman's story. And in fact, it is pieces of mine. Minus the glamorous life, the $525 shoes, New York, the money, the incredible men......you get the picture.

I have moved out of my own apartment and into the home of a man I was not married to, only to have no where to live. I have loved a man on and off for my entire life. I have envied a friend for her perfect fairytale life. I have watched someone I care for try to move on after her husband had an affair. I have wanted passion and romance and raw animal magnetism. I have also spent days in bed and wiped the tears of my girls while they have spent days in bed.

The story is real I tell you. Sex and the City is the thing about women that men will never understand, unless they are able to appreciate the wardrobe as much as you do.

WANTED: More Logic

This week flew by and alas, my new boss shit the bed. It was over something so incredibly small and he sided with someone who is so incredibly small that I can point out his mistake in every leadership book I own. So I am back to being guarded and suspicious of him, waiting for the next opportunity he takes and knowing that the incidents will grow from small to medium to large to epic because this is how it happens. I am back to looking, wishing, and hoping for a mentor within my organization. I need someone that I can have regular access to and is able to push me beyond my current position. It is difficult for me because I am already a Supervisor, doing the work of a Manager and at times the Director, so I feel like I would need someone who is above that - especially since I have already been a Director in my lifetime. I have heard rumors that the decision for the Director position has already been made, but I have not been asked to interview. I am hoping that I get to interview at the very least.

I am getting stir crazy in my house. My lungs feel better than they have, but that is not saying much given the state they were in. I want to run and I know I will have to start by walking and I do not want to. I still gasp for air when I climb the stairs to get to my car. I have been parking on the roof on purpose and feel like I need to as punishment for not getting to work out. That is great, but I am huffing and puffing because I am ill and not because I am out of shape, which of course I am. So, you see this internal struggle I am having and how the logic fades in and out mixing with emotion. I have given this enough time though, I am at least walking next week!

Battle of Wills......

We are having a battle of wills with our Little. I have to work at not laughing because it is so funny and frustrating at the same time. She has to have the last word and wants to be the boss and is a control freak. Oh my God, which one of us is she? I say that because we are both that person and it really is a toss up as to who she is emulating at any given point. I am having this argument with elementary school programs because she turns 5 in January, but is in Kindergarten now. The question they ask is whether or not I really feel like she is ready to be with kids who are a year or two older than she is. My answer is twofold. She is already in a class with kids a year or two older and my God, they need every advantage they can get.

I am back to my regular schedule at work and happy for it. I missed having my afternoons to get stuff done and I am really looking forward to next week when I can go back to working out. I am feeling better, but still start wheezing when I try to talk to much or get passionate about something. I am getting tired quick because I am not sleeping well in my drug induced state. G said I talked in my sleep all night last night - something about fish bowls, people in the house - whatever. Apparently I sat up in bed, he asked me where I was going, I said I do not know, he said lay down, and I did. Needless to say, my husband loves me on drugs. I am so compliant. Don't get comfortable with it dear!

A Saturday of Children

Today was a zero medication day for me. Not one puff off of an inhaler, not one steroid - nothing. I'm not sure why, except that I am tired of living substance dependant, which has been a way of life for almost 3 weeks. So I might be withdrawing...or I might just be overly crabby from being tired.

My day has been filled with my children. First up, a costume themed birthday party for one of the little boys in my daughter's class. I really like this family and it was fun, but it was hot and early and I drank a soda, ate some cake, and then had pizza. Yes, that was the order of the food and I was all for it. I should have had breakfast beyond a cup of coffee, drank a lot of water, and waited for the pizza, forgoing the cake.

Next up was a conversation with my 16 yr old son, who was caught by him mother with a hookah in his car. Apparently, the newest and greatest thing is to smoke tobacco with some molasses mixture through a hookah. His mother apparently found out that he had tried it a month ago, never shared that information with us, and then found the pipe - which was left over from the experiment, but never discarded. She went ballistic and took his car away. My problem with this whole things is trust. I cannot trust this son because though he knows right from wrong, he lives his life according to his own set of rules, justifying his behavior, and making the decisions best for him. In short, I am not comfortable with his boundaries. Oh, and his mother is an self-serving idiot, so that does not help!

So we have sent said son off to Homecoming with trepidation. We cannot keep him in the house until he turns 18 and we need him to trust that he can talk to us - in the process, he confided that they drink too, and he is really feeling the consequences from not getting to use his car, not getting to spend the night at his friends houses, and that his friend's parents are blaming him for the entire thing. They are incorrect, but it is having a much larger impact on him than any other punishment we can dole out at this point as he does not like people thinking poorly of him.

I know I had a life before kids, but it was over 10 years ago - so I cannot remember it well. I know there was regular exercise, mani/pedis, and my own tom foolery to be had. I am pretty sure I miss those things, but I am just too tired to know.

UpSide~DownSide

As someone who has spent 9 months in an institution in which most employees have spent 10-20-30 years, most days I feel like a guest. Today I moved from being said guest to being home - or at least in my mind. The physicians in my Black Belt group have become Jim, Jeremy, and Mark and the titles have disappeared all around me. I allowed myself to drop my guard and feel more comfortable delivering wit and charm to the 30+ people in that room. To top my day off, I took scrub pants off of a of a surgeon today. It was a timed activity and I am proud to say, I can get a man's pants off damn fast!

Secondarily to this~I am working on a proposal that will save our organization $30K. in obvious costs. I am so excited and passionate. This environment stimulates me more than any other I have experienced. I'm so grateful and extremely fortunate for this opportunity.

So the down-side. At the same time that I am trying to take steps forward, I want my team to do the same thing. I want them to be the example by which all others follow. When and if the organization moves me ahead, I want there to be some clear cut choices to advance with me and then I want my own to fill those positions vacated by our advancement, with everyone moving forward. I am not sure I can see that clear transition and so that makes me wonder if that is my short-coming as a leader. Am I am not inspiring, do I not command respect and dedication? Or does this same more about them than it does about me? Tough questions that I will have to think about.......

In A Nutshell.....

It has been brought to my attention that some people actually follow my life through my blog, so I am going to be better about updating my life in the midst of my random thoughts.

I am still trying to get healthy, though today is a bad day for me. I worked too much and did not get enough sleep. I am feeling stretched really thin at work and hope that I am doing a good job of leading by example.

I have turned into that kind of mother in that I have to have my Little registered for 1st grade in January. Her birthday is not until January, at which time she will be 5. She has already been through Pre-School, Pre-K, and now Kindergarten. I am not willing to put her through Kindergarten again, especially in a public school program, when she will have successfully completed a more structured private program because she will not be 6 by October 1st. It is just not happening. So the county in which I live said the good news is that she could test in using the "gifted" child test, but the bad news is that they have not yet created one, though the law was passed at the beginning of this year. Of course not! So I have moved on to talking to private schools - I will keep you posted, but they have not idea who they are messing with. I am on steroids and narcotics for goodness sakes!

My poor husband is complaining that we are living like roommates and have been since the end of September. I am having a hard time not getting pissed by these comments. I mean I know what he means, but it is not like I have not been extremely sick this entire time.

I am totally wanting to get out to run, especially since I am reading the blog of my dear friend who used to be a running partner for me. I am bummed and pouting.

I guess this little life update was neither interesting or really any kind of catch up. I am doing well, just frustrated with being ill. I graduate my Black Belt training at the end of next week and the end of October holds some really interesting meetings at work that I am anxious about (learning opportunities).

Please comment/ask questions etc if I have not touched on something you are interested in!

I Have Nothing

I have nothing. I just took my bug-eyed juice and I have settled into the Presidential Debate. I cannot focus on what they are saying, so again, I have nothing. Tomorrow begins day one of the second part of my Black Belt training and I am super excited.

Just to update you all: I went ahead and applied for the promotion being offered in my department. My thought behind this is that I want the leadership to know that I plan on creating and pursuing a long term career within this organization. I want the opportunity to let them know that I am smart, dedicated, have good ideas, am out of the box thinker, and am ready to offer what I can to help take the organization to the next level and into the future. I will work hard to do that and always try to make decisions that are in the best interest of the organization and not to build my own empire. I just want that opportunity. I genuinely want the job and would be a great choice, but there are some other choices that I can see to be more obvious. Of course, I do not know who else is applying and I am not guaranteed an interview, but that is really all I am hoping for.

Slinkys and Cupie Dolls

In 1999 I had my gall bladder removed, but prior to that, I lived in agonizing pain for a week while the doctors tried to decide if I had a cancerous mass or a hernia or an alien in my gut. While playing mad scientist, they medicated me with narcotics. The result was not pretty. I tried calling Social Services because G would not put sweaters on the boys and I was sure there was a blizzard outside - reality, it was 90 degrees. Then I started packing my bags, accusing poor G of being in love with his ex-wife and offering to step aside while they rekindled their romance - reality, well the only reality here is that I was really crazy. I was walking in my sleep and continued to try to get outside. G had to argue with me about me not driving myself to work and eventually threw my keys, pager, and cell phone into the back of the closet that we shared and let's face it - I do not do the back of a closet.

Skip ahead to oh say, tonight. G and I are sitting on the couch watching some TV before bed. Regardless of the fact that we are watching one of my favorite shoes, I am totally distracted. Why you ask? Well because I am seeing little people running through my kitchen. In fact, I almost started yelling at Chloe thinking it was her, but her hair is not short and curly. My big mistake - I told G about the little people in our kitchen. At which point, our evening was abruptly ended by him insisting that I go to bed. In fact, he said he would feel better if I was in bed as quick as possible, got nervous when I started blowing out the candles, and barely let me pee by myself.

Of course, I waited until he started snoring before sneaking down stairs for some tea and a little blog. Now if I could just get the slinky type creatures to stop flipping down the stairs while I type.

Did I Say I Was Feeling Better? Silly Me

So I get a call from my doctor's office telling me I must drop everything, leave work, and go to the Emergency Department close to my house. And against my will, I go. It helped that my colleague dragged me to our ED, had my Pulse Ox tested, and it was low. I park my car at 1500, check in at 1505, and sit AND sit. It is now 1547 and I have been triaged by an ED Tech, but not registered. At 1600, I am laying in room 24. My conversation with the triage nurse went something like this"

Nurse: What brings you in today?
Me: (rolling my eyes as I am wheezing and out of breath) shortness of breath, cough
Nurse: Could you not get into your doctor
Me: They sent me here. In fact, they told me to come over here right now
Nurse: (now rolling her eyes) Yeah, they do that a lot.

Ok, so back in the room, my ED Nurse says she hears wheezing in my lungs. We are going to try a neb treatment and then off for a chest x-ray. Yeah, did that last week. Oh and thanks to my latest coughing fit, I have to pee.

Long story, and this is becoming longer and longer everyday, I have asthma on top of my bronchitis. So we, and I say we because my bronchitis has taken on a life of its own, are back to steroids, 3 more inhalers, and oh, this is new - narcotics to help me sleep. I shake like a heroin addict, but without the weight loss.

I am not sure if I am suicidal or homicidal, but the steroids should help me figure that one out!

A Sunday with Tea and My Thoughts

I am the only one up and drinking my last cup of herbal tea so that I might go to bed without coughing all night. I am starting to really get my wings beneath me, but I cannot rid myself of this pesky cough. I will not complain though, it is MUCH better than it was.

The other thing keeping me up is me in my own head. The position my boss vacated is now posted and I am fraught with what to do. I really want the job, but there are a lot of questions. I feel like I am ready for it as I would have strong support from within my own department and I have managed for a long long time. There are a lot of positive changes I would like to make that would effect the organization in a positive way. However, the culture is different than any other I have worked for in the past and I am still working hard to not offend anyone with a mis-step.

Lots to think about and advice to seek.....Oh and there will be lots of tea.

You Put Your Right Arm In......

I am doing the health hokey pokey. Last night I took a step in and today I have taken a step out. I think I am tapering off into a good old fashioned chest cold, but man, I am sick of coughing, wheezing, and being unable to breath. I am also sick of sitting up all night watching Food Network while I exhaust myself with this so that the heavy breathing and wheezing does not keep me up.

Me being sick has given G all kinds of ammo for fodder. As I talk about going back to school, he reminds me that I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks, that I am not unpacked, and that I am not always capable of 16 good hours of work a day. Damn my moment of weakness.

So my life sounds pretty boring right now, but it is really not. I am just not clever enough in my constant drug induced state to articulate the things going on. Yesterday was my boss's last day and I was the only direct report to attend her going away party. It was an interesting event and though I am not sorry to see her go - change is necessary - I am sorry that I did not have more time with her.

Second on my list is that I lost a friend this week. I mean I lost her prior to this week, but was only mildly disappointed and keeping the door open. Well, after this week, and the constant reports of her carrying on about me and specifically my daughter behind my back - to people who know better no doubt - I am mad and done.

Dare I Say It?

Dare I say it out loud, but I am feeling a tad bit better....shhh, don't scare it away.
I am also feeling inspired. I really want to go back to school so that I can finish my darn degree. I am inspired by the idea of a Masters and all I am learning within my current organization.

I need some money!

Freak of Nature

Who knew that I would have the opposite reaction to every side effect labeled on every medication I am taking right now, including GETTING WELL.

The highest bidding lab gets me, there is no Buy It Now for this auction- Good Luck!

Prescribed Weight Gain - Oh Goody

So after 7 days of cough syrup with codine and antibiotics, I am worse for the wear. In a moment of exhaustive weakness, I allowed one of the triage nurses to talk me into signing myself in. The result, my pulse ox was LOW, my chest xray revealed abnormalities consistent with scarring and a collapsed lung and I am now on steroids and an inhaler. So the bright side is the side effects of the steroids - Get your popcorn ready folks! Swelling, bloating, increased appetite, mood swings, and WEIGHT GAIN.

Stay tuned, I am sure there is more good news tomorrow!

It's Been Too Long.......

It feels like I have this Plague forever and right now, it is the only thing I have to talk about. Well, outside of the lecture I received from G last night about my Type A personality and the manic mess that makes me when I am put in a situation that requires me to sit and get some rest. I am too tired to read- I fall asleep and then woken up by my coughing or wheezing, TV is boring - I have watched all my recorded episodes of The Unit, The Mentalist, and Fringe, and I cannot do the chores on my list.

Ok, let me say this about The Unit - Hot Damn those men are sexy. There is something about men who serve their country and are packing heat. They wear jeans and t-shirts and at time glisten with sweat. They are McGuyver like and Richard Dean Anderson is still sexy in my book. Anyhow, my favorite is Mack Gearhart, which is odd because he is a redish blonde haired guy with a hot temper. Not necessarily really my type in that I like romantic, loving brunettes that are honest and trustworthy. Too bad I don't like girls, Ginger would be in trouble!

I AM A BAD BAD PATIENT

Truly, only I would be the one to walk around ignoring bronchitis for a week and a half. It was recommended I spend a few more days at home resting and pushing fluids. Oh, yes, of course I will.

Older Than I Ever Thought I Would Be....

In a few short months, I have gone from aggressive and offensive to tenacious. I love tenacious and have worn my new adjective with pride. I love "win-win" situations and made some solid business decisions today. God, I'm smart. Ok, when I am on, I am on and I must take full advantage of those days. Especially when they happen while I am recovering from the Plague and hung over from medication and not sleeping due to this nagging cough!

So I am itching to run. For the first time in a very long time, I am itching to run. So with the Plague in my chest and my wheezing like a 90 year old man with emphysema, I am sidelined and in capable of climbing the stairs without nearing passing out from a lack of oxygen. I long to put on my shoes and run until my sides ache and my legs beg for mercy. It has been so long since I ventured out, this should happen by the time I hit my mailbox at the end of my driveway!

The point is that I am happy - so very happy. I love my job and my opportunity. I am closer to finishing my degree than I thought. I am content in the new house. My daughter is priceless. My dogs are at peace and cuddly. My husband is supportive and loves me. And I am 36. Older than I ever thought I would be.

U GO GIRL

PALIN PALIN PALIN