Letters to 2007 & 2008

Dear Old Man 2007,

I wish I could say that I am sorry to see you leave, but instead, I am offering to pack your bags, call you a cab, and shut the door the minute you have stepped foot out of my house. You have been a rude, unattractive, stressful house guest and one that I hope not to see for a long time to come. Your year has been chocked full of stress, strain, lack of focus, and bad decisions. It has been a time of back steps and back slides rather than moving forward and ahead. You have seen the worst in me and very little of the optimism, love, laughter, and drive that I am so capable of. We were not meant to be together and so finally, with all the excitement I can muster, I am moving on.

Dear Baby New Year,

I feel like I have been waiting on you for the full 12 months of 2007. You bring so much change and new beginnings to my life. We come together with a new job in a new industry, there will be a new house, and there is a new & wonderful relationship in my marriage, my daughter will go to kindergarten and my son to college. There will be difficulties and sadness, but I am hopeful that there will be progress and consistency. I am looking forward to all that you offer to my life.

Here's to you kid,

CScott

I am working on resolutions, but in the meantime, read Jennifer Lancaster's entry about hers - it is hilarious (www.jennsylvania.com)
I read Jocelyn's blog this morning as well. If you do not read her, you should! (www.ilovepauljack.com)

See you on the flip side!

Ok, enough with the snow.

This has been the best Christmas ever. Of course, I said that last year, but this year my "Little" is a month from turning four and really gets it this year. Santa was great to her and she actually hugged her CD player. So I am happy, really happy and content and things are going my way in small doses. So the really question is when will the other shoe drop and what type of shoe will it be? A black strappy high heel sandal? The most perfect snake skin kitten heel, a Franco Sarto knee high black leather pointy toed high heeled boot, or a crimson patent leather flat? Or will it be the Sorrel snow boot variety? I am trying to keep my optimistic outlook, but you know- we have had a really rough few years, so I realistic. But maybe we have paid our dues and things will get - I hate to say it, easier!

So "Little" and I went to see Enchanted yesterday. She is out of school for the week and G is working to finish a project at work that will go live after the 1st of the year. It was a great feel good movie and had Patrick Dempsey in it - which can never hurt! We did a little shopping, had lunch - thank Ruby Tuesdays for turkey burger minis (yum), and spent the day being girls together. Susan Sarandon played the evil witch and did such a great job, though she was a tad over the top. I recommend it if you love Happily Every After Disney Princess movies.

I am getting a little stir crazy in the house as it snowed all day on Christmas and then again today. I am not getting as much exercise as I wanted to get and will pay for it when my trainer gets back - Lord help me! I am tracking my steps though, or lack there of with the weather.

I plan to write a letter to Baby New Year and Old Man 2007 at some point, so watch for that.....
By the way, if you are not reading Jennsylvania and Ilovepauljack, make it a resolution to do so. I laugh my ass off every time I visit these talented girls.

It's A Jolly Holiday With Mary

I love the holidays......ABC Family runs Mary Poppins during the holidays. Who does not love Mary Poppins? Dick Van Dyke is a blundering idiot and as my "Little" says, Julie Andrews has such a "pretty voice". Plus, Mary Poppins schools a bunch of men, although cartoons, and wins the horse derby. Girlz Rule!

In other news, I saw The Golden Compass and have to say that I liked it. I had no intention of seeing it, had no idea that it was a three book series, and would not have paid any attention had the Catholic church not made such an issue. So that I am perfectly clear let me plainly state that most anything the Catholics ask people to ban, boycott, etc, I am participating in - as long as I can maintain moral integrity. So here is what I find funny....The church is upset that a book written by an atheist has been made into a movie and if it does well, the other two books will also be converted as well. As with all movies, there is a bad guy and in this case, the religious leaders are the evil doers. I am not sure how the dark side of the church is any different in this movie than it is in Robin Hood, The Three Musketeers - which has been made a number of times, or The Princess Bride, but maybe it is that The Golden Compass was written by the atheist. But the church is sure that children that are allowed to see the movie, despite the fact that it is not a children's movie, will turn their backs on the religious institution. So it is not the fact that their Bishops continue to be charged on charges for raping young children that will turn the next generation off of the Catholic church, or the fact that the church continues to preach outdated doctrines, it is INSTEAD a movie that most people will mindlessly enjoy for ENTERTAINMENT purposes.

You have two ears and one mouth

Ok, this is what I have to say about interviewing: Talking about myself makes me feel arrogant and obnoxious. Like I get that it is my mission to make myself stand out from other potential candidates, but I am not a big ego type. What makes me such a great sales person is that I like to listen to others. If you shut your mouth long enough, people will tell you what they need, what their concerns are, and why they are talking to you in the first place. It is hard to hear all of that if you are constantly talking at people. I always get the question, "are you self-confident and assertive". Yes, I am both - especially when it comes to business. What I am not is an over-bearing, demanding ego-maniac. The best question I had was "What do you think is worth standing up and fighting for?" WOW - bravo to whomever came up with that one. My answer: Freedom, Human Rights, and the Safety of Children. I tell my husband often that in any other country, I would have been stoned to death long ago! God Bless America!

P.S. God Bless Jocelyn for admitting that she too watches Run's House. So maybe I am just the right kind of crazy!

Laura Ingalls Wilder and Champagne

I swear I am not hiding from the holidays or from my blogging duties. I am truly busy and a little lazy when it comes to posting - or having a thought to post. My tenor of unemployment is coming to an end I feel and so I am trying to enjoy every last minute. I have been working out with a personal trainer and a couple of women I know and love, cleaning out the house, selling stuff on eBay, reading, walking, trying to cook/eat better, having lunch with my husband, I took my "Little" to the Disney Princesses on Ice (midway through, I started thinking about my friend Slappyjack (www.slappyjack.com), who apparently went to dinner with his ex-wife and my wonderful friend Jocelyn (www.ilovepauljack.com), and working for a friend who owns a business and needs little things done to make her life more sane and manageable. All this and I am addicted to Run's House, Code Blue, and Life in the E.R.

Last night was the holiday party for my book club. I made cheese grits - yummy! and drank strawberry Bellini's made with champagne. Our gift exchange required that we bring our favorite book from when we were eight. I took the first book to the Little House on the Prairie set. I loved those books so much. I would love to hear what books you read when you were 8 that have had a lasting impact. Back to the girls, It is amazing how different we are, but how well we mingle and converse. There is a sense of sisterhood among us and we are friends. I love these women and am so thankful that I have this in my life.

I have phase one of an interview for the job I actually want - so keep your fingers crossed!!

Countdown to the Big Cry!

Kindergarten, I'm seriously tormented by the word kindergarten. I said I wasn't going to be that kind of Mommy, but I'm just that. I mean, it's important to get your kid into the best program. And this program, it is amazing. So G and I went to the parent meeting for the kindergarten program that will begin August 18, 2008 - yep that's right, almost a year away! (In my defense, this is when all programs are presenting information and asking for a deposit) We were extremely impressed with the teacher - who has a Master's degree in Literacy, the class size - only 15 students, the ratio of 12 to 1 or 13, 14, 15 to 2, and the skills that are part of the curriculum, which exceed the state requirements. The program is full-time, Monday through Friday 8-3:30, or part-time, Tuesday through Thursday all day. So this is all exciting and keep your fingers crossed that we are successful.

The less exciting part is that my "Little" is becoming a big girl and is beginning a path that ends with her leaving my house to go to college, get married, have her own children, and cultivating her own life. I know this sounds ridiculous as there are 13 years involved in this process, but years of having children go faster than years without. Case in point, just yesterday my boys were in elementary school. In June, one will graduate high school and the other will have completed his sophomore year. On one hand, my daughter is turning 4 in January and will be a little over 4 1/2 when she begins the big K. On the other, she is emotionally, socially, and educationally ready. I worry that she is so small, but then worry for the other students as she inherited my strong personality and strength of conviction. Holy cow, how did this happen?

Get Some Shutterfly!

It is 9 degrees outside in good ole Colorado. I am pretty sure that I will have to hold my nose to the stove to get it warm. I am not a cold natured person, but this is damn cold. So, dinner was not the disaster that I thought it would be. The wine I bought was fantastic and Dad watched Eddie Izzard's Dressed To Kill with us. (It is about time given the fact that G & I gave it to him for Christmas last year!) If you have never seen Eddie Izzard, I highly recommend you put it in your NetFlix cue immediately. He is an Executive Action Transvestite and extremely intelligent in his humor. So it took me a minute to get over the fact that he wears more make-up than I do, but right off the bat he clarifies that he is attracted to women and gay men who wear women's clothes are Drag Queens. Hence the difference!?! Funny, Funny!

So do you know Shutterfly? If you do not, you must: www.shutterfly.com. I have a huge love affair going with this site and have since the birth of my "Little". I personalize our Christmas cards, thank-you cards, party invites, and have as of last year, started making calendars. My Auntie M said that she loved her 2007 calendar so much that she would like one for 2008. So today, I spent 2 1/2 hours creating perfection. It is the best I have created thus far. You simply must try it out!

Family Holidays

I continue to receive email expressing thanks for.......Well, according to Jocelyn, vodka for one.
I am thankful for the wine I bought that will numb my experience of having dinner at my parent's house tomorrow night as my brother has come with my Aunt. I was told today that Thanksgiving was all about family and maybe my brother has changed, wouldn't that be a wonderful surprise. Well, no, that would be a freak of nature or the end of the world as we know it. Look, the kid is 31 years old, without any sort of role model to shape him, and a personality that is equal to nails on a chalk board. He is load, drinks too much, and smokes - though I hear he is down to three a day. I am not expecting much in the way of stimulating conversation.

Yes, it is the Grinch!

Decision Made!

I HAVE MADE A DECISION. It is not a clear cut "what I am going to do is", but rather a "this is what I am not going to do" decision. Regardless, I have made a decision. I am leaving the corporate world and trying my best to get back into health care. This decision included turning down a wonderful organization and what will be a similar conversation with, what would have been, my dream job up until I was given the option to make this choice. In these cases, the pay would be more than double what I will make going back into a hospital and the perks - oh I cannot even talk about the perks I am walking away from. But at the end of the day, I was not happy. A lot of that stems from the fact that I have worked for self-serving, insecure people for the past three years. Secondarily, the work is just not that interesting to me anymore.

Ok, but this is as far as I have gotten, except to say that I am targeting one hospital in particular with high hopes. I cannot imagine what was going through the recruiter's mind when I told him that I would take any job that they would consider me for. I will have to go through some certifications again as 1) Colorado does not recognize any training outside the state and 2) certificates expire within 24 months if they are not used and signed off on annually. Lucky me!

Ok, so this is as far as I have gotten. Now, I stalk the hospital and wait~Wish me Luck......

Off The Grid

I am trying to make a decision. It feels like the hardest decision I have had to make in quite along time and because I am a Libra, decisions are hard for me as I require balance. Making decisions is not synonymous with balance. I have sought the advice of my husband, my best friends, my horoscope, I have prayed - with no response, and am looking for a Magic 8 ball. I am cautious as I have made bad decisions in the past and I want this to be the right one. The more I think, the more nervous I get. I was woke up at 3am with a different thought than I have now at 3pm. I am not trying to be flaky, really I am not, but I do not like change.

I am eating soup for dinner and am so happy for the cold temperatures. I do not make the soup, but one day I will. I am loving pumpkin right now, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin muffins - all until I got to the pumpkin soup. It was ruined by the over-bearing flavor of cinnamon, which is the evil of all spices. Why, why ruin my perfect soup?

The Changing of Seasons and Sounds of...Seagulls?

So I have been busy interviewing, organizing my house (one room at a time), enjoying my friends, exercising, and reading. G and I have had some pretty heavy and deep conversations about our relationship, our family, and our careers. We get so busy and are such different people that when we do not take the time to connect on a regular basis, we drift apart like wood in a raging river. I am a person that romanticizes the "what could have been" relationships in my life and do so with no benefit to myself or to those who genuinely love me. When things get hard in my real life, I am able to create a fiction that feels calm, safe, and delicious in my own mind. So my goal for November is to live in the moment and be present in my very own life as it looks today. Good Luck to me!

So I walked out of "Bucky's" the other day with my grande nonfat no-foam sugar-free vanilla latte (George Carlin would call me a big asshole as the longer the order, the bigger the asshole by his definition) and was admiring Fall. I love the burst of color in the trees. Green is green but as Fall arrives the trees flash a calm yellow, festive orange, and fiery red that makes me warm, even with the dropping temperature. As I was caught up in my surroundings, I heard the call of birds. Seagulls actually. Seagulls? Yes, truly! They were floating in the sky above a light post like puppets on a string. I found this curious until I realized how smart these birds must be in escaping the air of California during the tragic fires. I imagine that the fires are what drove them East as I have not seen them here before. So this got me thinking about the way we live our lives. Animals can sense danger, toxic situations, and adjust their lives to protect themselves. Do we necessarily do the same thing as human beings? Or do we just "rub some dirt on it" (thank you Peyton Manning) and try to power through? Just a heavy question for a light Thursday!

The Wanna Be Athlete Says....Part 1

I wrote this piece shortly after the Tri For The Cure, and just found it again.

Eventually the panic set in and the minutes flew by as I began to beg myself to go to sleep. I started to do the math, how much sleep would I get if I fell asleep NOW? Defeated, I got up shortly before 5am and got excited as I dressed. I put my things in the 4Runner, my bike on the rack, and drove away from my dark house. As I walked my bike up the hill, carrying my gear, I became winded. That was the point in which my mind became loud and clear "What the hell am I doing here?" So the battle began between my logical self "Turn around, go home, it is not too late" and my adventurous self " I've come this far, I have the outfit, It will be fine". My feet continued to follow the crowd and eventually, I was in the transition area. I placed my bike on the rack, set my bag down, looked around, and the levity of where I was set in. I am 34, overweight, out of shape to the point that I just winded myself walking my bike up a hill, and have less than an hour before I begin my first triathlon.

My concern grew as the women around me pulled bottled of water and various liquids out of their bags. I pulled out my single water bottle meant for my bike, a mountain bike that quickly looked out of place next to the shiny thin road bikes built for speed. Next came the multitude of bars, sports gels, and other nutritional supplements. I put my single package of Clif blocks in my helmet. I was making a list of my mistakes this far: 1) not enough training! 2) I showed up! 3) not the right bike 4) brought only one bottle of water 5) would have to eat my equipment after depleting my two servings of blocks. I decided to stop analyzing my gear and take a look at the water course. The weather was perfect, the water was clear, and in the distance, far far away were two floating orange pyramids. Mistakenly, and out loud I said "Oh, that doesn't look too bad. We swim in between them and back". My face remained frozen with a Stepford smile as the woman standing next to me corrected my silliness. We would swim to the first cone, around it on to the second, around the outside of both, and then head back to shore. "How exciting. Good Luck" was all I could muster. This new information left me with no choice but to find the Port O Let. As I stood in line, I kept one eye out for one of my co-workers who was also competing. I was so distracted that I blurted out "I'm not sure what the hell I am doing here " in response to something the woman behind me had said, but I never heard. She laughed and agreed. In the distance, the National Anthem was being sung. "And the home of the brave". With tears in my eyes, I decided I was brave and was going to try the Tri.

A Household Divided

So I am a passionate person with opinions. My husband is also a passionate person with many opinion - most of them wrong!, as is our middle son and the "Little". The only weakling in our house is the oldest son, who fits in well at his mother's. Tonight we are watching the ALCS, but are living as a household divided. Lucky for him, the oldest son is out for the night, but the other two idiots are cheering for the Red Sox as I sing Cleveland Rocks! I am ok with Boston taking tonight's game because that will draw out the series one more night and set the Rockies up against a tired team, but how fun would it be to have the Indians in town for a World Series sweep? Men! What do they know?

I Got In the Wrong Line...

Seriously, all hell is breaking loose in my life right now and for every step I take forward, I am sent two paces back. G has rushed our male German Shepherd to the Animal Hospital. He has been throwing up, tilting his head to one side, and walking like a newborn colt that has not yet found his legs-including crashing into things. He is not drinking much and not eating at all. The vet thinks that is an old dog syndrome that could get worse before it gets better, but my dog is now on two medications and one of them is three times a day. If he is not better, then they will do x-rays and brain scans to look for tumors. I just need my life to get easier for a while - Who do I talk to about this?

Baby Steps

I am a step closer to knowing what I should be doing and it is based on the fact that I have gotten a tad bit depressed in the last three days. I know for sure, that I need to be around people. If not every day, then every other day. It is not enough just to talk to 100 people on the phone or via email. I need to look you in the face and give you an old fashion "Howdy"!
Secondarily, a friend of mine told me that I am good at calling people I do not know and asking them to do what I need them to do (this has been true in a couple of cases). In fact, two different people, who do not know each other, told me today I should be a fundraiser. Ok, I can buy this, but it would have to be for something I am passionate about. Could it really be that I have taken one step toward the nonprofit world?

I also learned today that when I get flustered and have no idea what to say, I say the complete wrong thing. I am working on honesty and being a really supportive friend, but sometimes I just plain suck. I don't mean to be ridiculous, but at the end of the day, I am a total goof ball. This why I laugh when people tell me that I can be intimidating - At the end of the day, I am just a goof ball.

All Questions...Still No Answers!

So people have been asking me how my job search is going. I feel surprised by this question until I realize that I have technically been unemployed for a week. In my mind, this is only my second day of unemployment given the hectic and busy schedule of last week. I have applied for a handful of positions and there are a couple of companies that I would really like to work for, but I want to make sure that I make the right decision. The last few positions I have held have been the wrong - well, I guess the wrong everything! Right now, I am very happy as I am going to the gym and then focusing on completely cleaning out and organization one room a day.

Happiness #2 is the Colorado Rockies. Holy Cow, where did these boys come from? They are proof in action that if you work hard enough, have passion, dedication, and live a clean life - you can move mountains! I am envious - I want to find a team that will take me to the "play-offs".

I have been asked about my pursuit of faith and spirituality through religion. I continue to go to church and have been attending for 3 weeks now. There are times that I feel touched and other times that I feel like an impostor. I have been lost for a lot longer than 3 weeks, so I think it is only fair for me to give this a bit longer. I am not sure what I am looking for or what I want to feel. This is similar to the question of what I want to do when I grow up. Questions, all questions and no answers!

Be Real

So each Fall, I lock on to a couple of new shows if I am in a position to replace things that have gone off the air (read Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip). I never actually get to watch tv, but instead have an intimate relationship with my DVR. Right now, Hot Shots is on my list of shows that has not necessarily made it permanently, but damn it is funny from time to time. I just finished watching the episode from last week and at one point I turned to my husband and asked, "Seriously, what is wrong with your people?". The gist is that one of the characters (Michael Vartan) is getting divorced after discovering that his wife was having an affair with his boss, which he discovers at his boss's funeral. The guys give him a re-bachelor party, which by the way, is a good idea for any divorce situation. Gets that rebound "relationship" out of the way! But this whole event sparks a discussion amongst the men about when women became so aggressive. The answer came from a woman in the office who said, "If we are barefoot, pregnant, and at home, you get bored with us. If we reside in the corporate world, we intimidate you." I thought this was profound given what I have been through from my own divorce to present day.

The other moment that stuck with me was when the men were in the steam room. They were talking about relationships and how much they loved/missed their women. Duncan was sharing his feelings for his ex-wife with whom he is sleeping with, but not confiding in. The guys tell him to share his feelings with her instead of them. The fourth guys says "Quick talk about baseball before they throw us out of the Men's steam room." So with this, I am back to my plead of saying what you have to say! I know I have been through this rant before, but the game of cat and mouse is just frustrating and boring. It screams insecure male, which the new age woman sniffs out in an instant. It is true of friends, lovers, employers, take your pick. You are neither clever nor stealth. Be real....forever real

Ok, baseball is on -gotta get a beer and watch the game!

Forever and The End

So I was able to mark off one task from my list: I finished reading Forever by Judy Blume today. It was a book that I had read once upon a time and one of my favorites. It is about a girl, Katherine, who meets and falls in love with Michael, with whom she has her first sexual experience. They are high school seniors and deal with teen pregnancy (not hers), the attempted suicide of a friend, and the expectations of parents. It is beautiful and sad as they break up at the end after 7 weeks away from one another the summer before they go to college. Katherine's story is completely different from mine in that I was never close to my parents, I was not as secure with myself as she was, and my first lover was not a boy I was in love with and in fact, I have never made love to the first boy I ever loved. There are things I miss about being young and if I had to do it all over again, would make very different choices. There are things I do not miss about being young and in high school. I never did well with boys and have no answer as to why. There is someone that I could ask, but I am not counting on an explanation. And I guess, why even go there, right?

So there have been some major changes over the past week - the most important being that I am unemployed. Before I start getting messages about this, it is for the best that I am no longer with my previous employer and have lost 10 pounds in the week that I have been gone. I was sad and depressed and unhappy though I loved the people that I worked with. I have applied for a couple of positions, but have only begun to think about what to do next today as I was so occupied with the DEMO gala. There are so many possibilities for me and I am excited. G wants me to focus on a career in writing, but I still think that needs to be a part-time activity. I think I have a great idea for a novel and will begin to work on that in my spare time and after I get caught up on my sleep.

I am still working on my spirituality and my faith and have been attending church. Last week they had a program in which the brass bells were played. I started to cry once I realized that it was Jesus Loves Me. It was the culmination of many years of mistakes and heartbreak and hardship and confusion and realization and relief. I am not a woman that cries, so the whole thing felt awkward to me. Today I chatted with the mothers at "Little's" dance class about being unemployed and what my next move would be. One of the women I think so highly of went through something similar and said that she prayed to get her answers. So I will pray to get my answers. Thus far, my prayers have gone unanswered in a way that is obvious to me.....but, as we know from the above paragraph, I do not easily give up, even when I should!

This is my colleague- Enough Said!

I Do Not Talk Enough? Really?

This morning, one of my co-workers told me today that I do not talk enough. (No, not sarcastically either!) I have literally never been told that in my lifetime. This afternoon, a different co-worker said that she wished she could sit closer to me in the cube farm so that she could hear my comebacks to the office shenanigans. (To which the poor guy sitting across from me said "She can get pretty raw.") The best part of this is that I do not always realize I am speaking. The same way that I have no idea that I am making faces at people during a discussion. My "Little" has picked up the face making habit and I have to tell you - we are funny looking. I can say that we because we are identical - Mini Me!

This is only interesting to me I am sure!

So in my quest to find my faith and spirituality, it has been suggested to me more than once that I consider going to church. So my "Little" and I went off to the 11am service today. As apparent by this posting, I did not burst into flames. However, I did sit in the back for a quick getaway at the first sign of lightening, or in case anyone could see the word Fraud on my forehead in scarlet red. Instead, "Little" and I were given a gift bag as guests that contained information on the organization and a loaf of pumpkin bread. We are Methodist, so the children attend to a certain point and then are directed to their appropriate classrooms for a Sunday school type environment. Everyone was lovely, though I was nervous by those wanting to strike up a conversation at the conclusion and sit with me for coffee. I found this to be curious as I have never met a stranger and chat people up like I am trolling for a "good time". I am pretty sure it goes back to my self-conscience tendency and feeling like a fraud in this type of environment. Like really, what right do I have to enter a church, shake hands with the faithful, and sing hymns that I have never heard before.

The Pastor/Reverend (?) did give a sermon that struck me though. He was pursuing his Masters Degree in Theology and was told that the group would largely call upon their experiences of faith. He felt worried because he had never seen the light or heard God's voice or been blind and made to see. Which is my very concern - I have talked to people who have had these experience, but I am not one of them. Eventually, he was made to realize that God talked to him in different ways, but that is why he is a man of God.

So I am seriously not sure how I feel about all of this. The Biologist in me wants to talk about evolution, while the religious believe in creation. Maybe I can remain loyal to the biology and establish my own faith and spirituality that guides me in better directions than I have followed in the past. I read a book by Melody Beattie called More About Letting Go. It is a book geared more towards addicts, but there is a lot about faith, spirituality, and taking control of your own life. It offers daily readings and has some activities to complete to get you thinking. My point is that today's entry talked about faith/religion and asked how do you know when to let go and have faith in a situation, when do you hand off the baton to God, and when do you say, this part if my responsibility? Being that I do not have the bright light or the voice of God in my ear and cannot see the ways in which I am directed, I cannot answer this question. Does that mean I am 100% in control of my life and have nothing etched out in the way of destiny? Maybe I will watch Sex in the City instead!

I've Got Your Boob Job Right Here!

Nothing aggravates me like my husband telling me that I am a night owl. I have no idea why this annoys me, but it sets me off and I strenuously deny his otherwise innocuous observation. Tonight I had to laugh as I have gotten more done since the sun went down than I have all day. Of course, I can't tell him he is right - but maybe I won't show teeth next time he says so.

So it is late and I am now working on my water intake and watching Dr. 90210. The very idea that women pay to have breast augmentation is fascinating to me, almost laughable. Tonight, the patient is so thin that Dr. Rey is not sure that he can get the implants in through her abdominal wall and is confident that he cannot pass them through the areola. There has to be some way to hook me up to a machine and pass what I have over to those in "need". Seriously, I am willing to give up my "girls" to the unfortunate soul who has "front" tattooed on her forehead!

So as much as I complain about my weight now, I used to have trouble keeping enough weight on to keep me out of an eating disorder facility or so my mother would threaten. But I still had the "girls". In fact, I was in high school in the late eighties, so I was big hair and big boobs. God Bless the hair bands. Oh, and reality television in small doses!

Middle Life Crisis?

A friend of mine asked me today what I would do with my life if money was no object. Wow! Do you know that I could not answer that very easy question. If you ask me what I would do with money if I had it, that is simple: I would provide financial freedom and retirement security for my husband, ease some strain for my friends, support the technology scholarship that means so much to me, and fund the Internet Safety Foundation. Philanthropy would come so easy to me. But what to do with myself is a tormenting question.

I have started reading the Student Doctor network blogs again to see how some of my favorite bloggers are fairing now that school has begun again. I am worried as one of the medical students has deleted his site. Another man has married and begun his first year of medical school with his new wife and together they will become doctors. I miss medicine and the inner workings of a hospital. But when I start to think about what I need to do to become a doctor, I feel overwhelmed and discourage. I am less than 30 credits from an undergrad degree, but need to complete most of my required coursework. Then there is 4 years of med school, internship, residency, and of course, the decision of what specialty to pursue. And I do not have the money for any of this... I am walking back towards the path of writing and have even written a series of articles that I could submit to magazines if I has the guts to do so. I feel inspired by this weeks events to somehow protect children from sexual predators and abusers of every kind. The only way I know how to do that is by going to law school, prosecuting, and eventually, writing policy.

So during this ridiculous ping pong of possiblities, my friend reminds me that I am so good at sales. Yes, she had to remind me. I am not necessarily great at sales but, I follow the sales cycle, build relationshipss, look for win-win situations, maintain integrity, and have no fear of calling on anyone from a Fortune 500 executive to the leader of a 25 person company.

Am I really having a midlife crisis?

Learn To Say I Am

I am getting a little nervous because I am starting to garner an audience and as stupid as it sounds, I did not expect to be found. My second blog is out there to represent my opinions, of which I have many, but sometimes I do blonde things like use this blog to promote great technology rather than the one I intended. So my goal is to stay honest with myself and continue on my journey to becoming my "whole self".

I am angry this week, though I think I have kept up appearances. On Tuesday I turned 35 and I never do well with my birthdays and Wednesday, G left for Brussels for a week on business - as much as I hate to fly myself, I hate him flying just as much. A few weeks ago, I was told that I am hard on people and do not seem to have the same high expectations for myself. I still laugh at this accusation. No one is harder on me than myself and that is a statement being nothing I do is good enough for my parents. So back to my anger issues for the week, and it will come as no surprise that I am angry with Myself.

At 35, I have accomplished nothing of what I set out to accomplish for myself. I am struggling with my entire life and have no idea what turn I took to lead me to this insane place of regret. As proud as I am about the Internet Safety Foundation Summit, that was the trigger. These people are driven, passionate, and inspired by their jobs and are truly making a difference in the world. They are law enforcement officers, educators, and lawyers who protect, enforce, and prosecute to keep children safe. I have wasted so much time chasing a dream and trying to figure out my purpose - and at 35, I have no answers. It makes me angry that I am lazy and selfish and uninspired and lost. I am weak and ridiculous and exhibit little in the way of self control. I begin my day with an internal argument about getting out of bed and facing a life that I am not proud of. I am not completely ungrateful, I have a healthy, intelligent beautiful daughter who is my best stuff and none of my baggage. I have a beautiful, large home that is fully furnished and protects me from the elements. My husband, bless his heart, loves me and is so incredibly supportive of the fact that I am a loon. He would be so sad to know that I am having a week in which I feel such an internal struggle. I have the best friends that a girl could ever have. Friends that I have had since middle school, some that I made through my "Little's" school, others that have been made through my work and participation in my favorite professional organization. From the outside in, my life is so incredibly blessed and I am both thankful and grateful. So I am angry for being so angry.

The Children of September 11th

On September 11th, Oprah had a show on the Children of 9/11 Six Years Later. Sitting on the stage are the children that lost their mothers and fathers. It has taken me this long to know that I can watch it. To hear their stories, to witness their continued pain, to know that they will never get that parent back. The loss of memories to come - graduations, weddings, sharing their own children. I know because it is what I feel when I think about losing my daughter. I mourned for the loss of her delicate and beautiful life and have spent the remainder of time mourning for the memories and life we would never have together. On one hand, these children are lucky in that they hold on to memories of perfect parents.

We as a Nation have forgotten the suffering of that day. I see little acknowledgement of the suffering that continues within these children, the single parents left behind, the friends, and the families. If we leave Iraq, all of these lives lost will be in vain - the soldiers, the civilians, the children. How ever you feel about the war, feel that about September 11th. Do not ever forget that the pain and suffering of that day does not end with the return of our troops or because we replace those towers. We will never be the same. Do not ever forget.

Shanahan Has A New Love Now

The Broncos’ are now 2-0, but we would be kidding ourselves if we didn’t admit up front that Game 1 was won by Jason Elam and Game 2 was won largely with luck and some skill thrown in for good measure. I am, for now, one happy fan. What I am not happy about is Mike Shanahan’s continued bitterness over his break-up with Jake Plummer. Get over it Mikey! You act like a stripper who received a bad tip and now wants to write a “Tell All” book about the politician. You are not always right – you coached the Raiders for God’s sake. (Humility man!)

Shanahan loves Cutler and Cutler loves Shanahan. Great, we get it. Carve your initials in a tree. The kid is not John Elway, so stop with that comparison, which is both annoying and insulting for the King of Denver. For everything that Shanahan is saying about Cutler in today’s Denver Post, let me remind you, he has thrown interceptions in every game to date as a starting QB for Denver. Let me also recall some factoids surrounding Jake Plummer, just for the record:

First of all, Denver is a hard city to play football for, we demand excellence on and off the field and Plummer came in on the heels of THE #7. The Broncos tried to dress him up in Elway’s clothing rather than allowing him to be his own QB. Secondarily, Plummer won more than 70% of his games as a starter. Off the field, Jake dealt with the friendly fire death of one of his best friends, a run in with some red necks while driving, and insults about his mother while on the sidelines. (And may I say that he shows incredible restraint – mess with me driving and I am going to show you a place in the embankment and though I may agree with your comments about my mother, say them to me out loud and with disrespect and you are getting more than my finger pal!) Through all of these challenges, you did not see the ginger pats on the fanny that Shanahan delivers to Jay –Jay, nor did he support or defend Plummer in the media. Shanahan has a salacious appetite to win as he has not taken a team to the Super Bowl ~ No, John Elway took us there, be real.

So for Shanahan to say that Jake only loves football on Sundays and that he likes that Jay actually loves football and is a student of the game, just goes to show how little class this man has and lessens his integrity as the leadership of our team. If these are your true colors Mike, then go back to Oakland……

FAT does not stand for Fabulous and Thick

I wrote this great summary of my amazing summer and promptly sent it off to my friend (www.ilovepauljack.com) without filing a copy away for myself. Basically, I am turning 35 in two weeks (September 25th) and I have started to get to know myself in ways that I never tried in the past. I am also walking down a path of healing from childhood, teenage, and young adult wounds. I make mistakes, but I am not one. My confession today is that I am fat. For those of you who see me on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, this is not breaking news to anyone but me. Obviously I have world class compartmentalization skills - I mean mad skills! So let's talk about fat, because at one time I was 4'11" and 100 pounds and complaining about my love handles, if you can image! Nope, I am dead serious about this. My BMI is such that I am considered a walking time bomb. I am a NFL offensive line tackle. I am a Biggest Loser Contestant. Yes, sports fans - I am FAT. So the first step is admitting you have a problem and here are mine:

1. I am fat
2. I do not like to eat breakfast and consider coffee a food group
3. I eat chocolate when I am stressed out
4. Sometimes I go so long without eating that just before I begin throwing up from hunger, I stand in my pantry and eat whatever is in a snack size bag that I can open.
5. I am the child of alcoholic parents and never learned moderation

Ok, step one complete, step two - come up with a plan. My current plans are:

1. Give Up Caffeine - Failed ( and really what the hell was I thinking)
2. Breakfast every morning, and yes a protein shake counts
3. Water, Water, Water
4. Eat more fruits and vegetables, including the kiwi that has sat on your desk for two days
5. Get up and walk the dogs in the morning - You know this only happened a couple of times
6. Work out with a personal trainer that you like, feel motivated by, and who is reasonably priced.

So I met Liz today and this is a long story, but to cut to the chase, I am getting four free sessions with her. She is beautiful and funny and has a rockin' body that I would die to have. She does 2 or 3 people group sessions that are affordable. I think she might be the answer to my exercise prayers. Granted, I have to do something on the days that I do not see her and this DEMO gala is not helping my consistency. But to motivate me, I have a beautiful suit that I bought specifically for this event and cannot currently wear it. Which sucks! And yes, it fit when I bought it if that tells you where my life has gone over the past 6 months. So this is my honest admission for the day and I am off to the treadmill.

A Good Day To Be A Colorado Fan!

This has been the best Sunday I have had in months. The weather was cool, football is back, and I am still watching baseball too! My friend Jocelyn (www.ilovepauljack.com) gets very busy around football season and it is directly related to football season, although I really cannot figure out what she does-though I can say without a doubt she is brilliant at it. But I love football as nothing but a spectator. A very loud insane woman that yells at the TV and calls plays with the best of them. So let's get down to the highlights:

Jason Elam won the game for Denver today!

This is the long and the short of it, though the game was exciting. I cannot say that Jay Cutler is any better than Jake Plummer. I am not sure where it came to pass that Shanahan thought that this kid would take him to the Superbowl. Not to mention the lack of class Shanahan displayed in dealing with Plummer, but I think I have ranted and raved about that in postings past. Henry was decent, but he should still pay child support as the Baby Daddy to nine children with nine different women. Veteran Tom Nalen made some strong and supportive plays as did John Lynch, who you can always count on. Champ Bailey oozes professionalism and drive out of his beautiful pores and made an appearance on the special teams - making the play for them as well. Still, we cannot return a punt to save our lives and the return team actually looked like they were moving in slow motion - an effect that obviously was carried over from last season. Cutler's saving grace is that he can actually run and is a big guy that can knock over some of the lighter defensive tackles. He got lucky today, but will not be so fortunate if he cannot slow his hummingbird heart down and play the game.

In other sports news, the Rockies won! I did not get to watch the whole game as I was very busy with the Orange Crush, but Fogg seemed to have pitched a decent game. I saw Helton on third base, which is a good sign, and the Rocks held steady. Matt Holliday is a stud and won the Roberto Clement award. He is from Oklahoma, so he has to be good people. I have seen a few interviews with him and I would say that the kid had a good head on his shoulders. If the management is smart enough to keep this team in tact, they will have World Series rings before too long.

Long Short Week

I have no blogged all week and, even now, cannot promise great things. This has been the longest short week I can remember in a long time.

So I had the best long weekend, including celebrating the birthday of Kenneth James Haynes. We usually host a Labor Day weekend party to celebrate Ken's birth, but we have our house on the market this year. In generous fashion, Krista and Gabor held a party and I met a really nice couple that I ended up talking to for most of the night. He is a triathlete and she is a gluten free kind of girl. Monday, G and I had a nice quiet breakfast out and went to see The Bourne Ultimatum as "Little" spent the night at the grandparent's house. Ok, so let me get into Jason Bourne. I never thought of Matt Damon as 1) a sexy man, 2) an action hero who could ride in on his white horse and save me, or 3) a MacGuyver type. The elastic in my panties burst into flames! Jason Bourne is ass-kicking, take no prisoners, get done what needs to be done and decisively. I wish there had been some romance with Nicki as I love Julia Stiles and I desperately hope that this is not the end of this story!

I did manage to have a minor breakdown Monday afternoon. My mother is concerned about the boy who lives next door, who she thinks is a threat. I have told her that her a product of his mother, who is a good friend to my mother. We talk about parenting. She acknowledges nothing of her parenting skills or lack there of. She acknowledges nothing of her absentee lifestyle when it comes to my brother and I. She actually told my husband, with a straight face, that I used to call her when I had problems. I was feeling invalidated and confused and hurt and angry. G talked me through it and I am better today, but man, selective memory must be a great thing!

Teacher In Service: A Thing of Beauty

Up until yesterday, the thought of a teacher in service day meant juggling my poor "Little" between her father and grandparents. I am not a huge fan of vacation, which includes days off. I made an exception yesterday and it was the best Friday ever! This all being said, I kept an eye on my email and phone calls up until my office closed at 3pm. We had some breakfast, answered some email, watched some cartoons, made a few business calls, got dressed, ran a couple of errands, and took a picnic lunch to have with Daddy. His office is surrounded by trails and covered areas in which we could have a shady lunch. Leaving Daddy to his work, "Little" and I headed down to the zoo. Our priority was the Lorikeet exhibit. We love this because you walk amongst the birds with cups of nectar for them to drink. The key is to allow the clever birds to enjoy their treat without allowing them to steal the cups or spilling the sticky substance on yourself. While we kept a solid hold on our treasure, both of us needed a decent hand washing before moving on. The birds were delightful and one even held my hand in such a kind gesture while lapping up the cool liquid. Our next stop was the carousel, which we rode twice. We grabbed cool drinks and headed off to the other side where polar bears, sea lions, and felines could be found. Along the way we saw camels, zebras, and beautiful white wolves. We enjoyed ice cream cones while we watched the sea lions perform and then bought "Little" a stuffed polar bear to add to her collection. The Polar Bears, which are my favorite, were swimming in their pool, playing with their toys, and generally showing off. The snow leopards had a new addition in April and Robbie was as cute as could be. Though it was already 3pm, I was not ready for our day to be over. As we headed out of downtown, "Little" decided she was hungry and then promptly fell asleep. Traffic was heavy on the highway, so I pulled off on an exit where I knew a Barnes & Noble to be. We grabbed a quick snack and headed off to find wonderful books to bring home. "Little" went first. We looked at Barbie books and Thomas the Train books, and Dora books. We finally decided on two Strawberry Shortcake books and two Barbie as books. She was patient, sitting on the floor reading her stories, while I searched for additions to my ever growing library. After making our purchase, we hit the Chick-fil-A drive through, came home, put on our jammies, ate, and then curled up on the couch to read. After reading her two stories, she headed off to bed, while I watched the end of the Rockies game, stealing in a few pages between innings. Though it sounds mundane and without event, my day with "Little" was extraordinary. We talked and laughed and compromised and learned from one another and from the experts working at the zoo. We shared our treats, drinks, our hugs and our kisses. We shared our day and the experiences that came with our day. I am in love with my "Little" and feel thankful that I seized this day.

Group Discount Therapy

One of my co-workers recently gave me a cartoon in which a therapist is sitting in a chair and on the couch next to him are people piled on top of each other. There must be ten or twelve of them. Underneath the picture it says Group Discount Therapy. It makes me laugh when I look at it for two reasons. First of all, I am one of a hand full of people in this organization without a Masters degree in Forensics Psychology - in fact 75% of the people here are from the same program. Secondarily, I think that largely the people that go into Psychology are people who actually need a therapist. The third reason that this cartoon is funny is that even if we were all mentally and emotionally strong people walking into this place, we would all need to pile on that couch together at some point and time! Besides, isn't therapy more fun with someone underneath you?

My "Little" asked for hot dogs for dinner last night. She and I are addicted to turkey dogs and she is pretty adamant in how she wants them. Cut up with some ketchup on one side of the plate and mayo on the other. She ate all the hot dogs, all the ketchup, and then did not touch the mayo. I asked her why and she said that some days she wants mayo and some days she does not, but she wanted the choice. I thought that was funny and good for her for knowing that she has the right to change her mind. But then today I had meetings all morning and was heading back to the office when I thought I would swing by her school and give her a hug and a kiss as I knew it was lunch time. So I walked into her class and she was crying. Apparently, she had asked for mayo - which the teacher put on her sandwich, then decided she did not want mayo, and then cried when the teacher threw the mayo packet away. Granted, she had to get up early this morning and was tired, but I had to tell her that the mayo was on her sandwich and only the empty packet was in the trash. So I sat down with her and the little boy sitting next to her said, she cries like a baby. So, without thumping the little boy in the head - and let's start with the fact that I have known this little terror for a few years and do not like him in the least, I explained that sometimes things are frustrating and we get too tired to resolve issues the way we should by using our words. I talked to the teacher (who according to the owner of the school, I make nervous anyhow) and told her that my "Little" is very logical, a trait she inherited from her father, unless she is over-tired and then she gets emotional and insane, a trait she inherited from me! Lucky Girl!

So then let's get into the teacher issue. This is not the first time I have been accused of being initimating, which I think is ridiculous. There could not be a more approachable person in my mind. I am focused and direct, but friendly and giving. I am a business woman though and so I guess I could see it. I would really like some comments on this because at the end of the day, I am not sure I like the idea that I come off strong.

Introspection and Too Much Protein

Recently I wrote the following to a friend of mine who is in the midst of a divorce and has two small children as we were catching up:

"Lots is happening in my world, mostly I am trying to find myself - as ridiculous as that sounds. I am reading a lot and trying to be introspective as much as possible. I making lists of things that are making me crazy and unhappy in an effort to figure out what I need to do or seek out that will make me happy. Is this a mid-life crisis? Am I even old enough for a mid-life crisis? What it boils down to is that I am getting to old to accept certain things, behaviors, etc and have high expectations for my environment and for myself. "
So to that end, I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, which highlights her effort to find herself, beginning with a painful divorce that she initiated. I have also started thinking about my last line. I am not getting too old to accept certain things, behaviors, etc....I am beginning to heal the wounds of my past and becoming less tolerable of the abuse that I felt I deserved at one point in my life. Not to say that I am not vulnerable because I am and I think all people are throughout their lives no matter their mental health or clarity.

So despite my new level of activity (I have started walking my dogs before work every morning so that I can work my way back into running long distances with my bad bad knees), I have begun to put on more weight. I have grown frustrated and outraged at this to say the least. This morning, I went to make my protein shake only to discover that I had two scoops in the powder. A large one and a small one that had been hidden within the powder - leading me to believe that it came with the product and is the actual scoop I should have been using. So long story short, for the past 6 or so weeks I have been putting on weight like a wrestler and consuming enough protein powder in my breakfast shake to put an Olympian to shame. And the last thing I need on me is more weight as I am a struggler and trying to get back into fighting shape so that I can get back into running. I think I will start discussing my struggles here as I have been asked to do so.

You Have To LOVE This

Couple marries 30 years after parents broke up engagement

That is dedication, trust, and true love!!!

NFL: Time to Take Out the Trash!

I have tried my hardest not to read or listen to the details of the Michael Vick dog fighting tragedy, but unfortunately, it is a topic of conversation that will not simmer down. The wretched coward plead guilty not because he is a man of integrity, but because he got caught lying and had no place to run. The backlash from the public ensured a guilty verdict and had he not gotten out in front of this, a jury of his underpaid peers would have decided his fate. He is only sorry that he got caught and shame on the Falcons for holding his position for him. Come December 10th, the court system has a duty to throw the book at him. I have heard it said that they should make an example of him, but he should have been living as an example to the hundreds of kids that look up to him. JAIL TIME!

In other news, Broncos Running Back Travis Henry has nine children by nine different women who are having to take him to court in an attempt to receive the child support they are due. This piece of work has a $100,000 car and has spent $146,000 on jewelry, and claims he has no money after getting more than $22 million from the Broncos. Good pick Shanahan - has a sudden and impactive blow to your head rendered you delirious in your thinking? Do you see black and silver on the field? Do you think the people of Denver are willing to accept the Raider level of trash you are trying to force down our throats? IDIOT! Oh and by the way, Jay Cutler has really impacted the performance of our dear team - you were right in cutting Plummer for this 12 yr old who cannot get the ball past his own 50 yard line. Good freaking call!

Now it is time to applaud Tom Brady and Matt Leinert who so graciously made it to the hospital in time to see their ex-girlfriends deliver their children and then jet back to their locker rooms for congrats all around. Well done boys.

I refuse to watch the NBA because I hate basket ball and that is solidified by the fact that the millionaire players are largely pot smoking, baby making, wife beating thugs who disrespect their coaches, engage in fist fights with the fans, and talk like the rest of us understand their crack whore street lingo, not to mention the little referee debacle, and now this "from the projects" mentality is spreading to my beloved football field. What is left to watch?

I do not hate men, I hate stupid, ridiculous children dressed in men's clothing!

Germany and the Excess of America

Doing business with German Executives is an interesting experience. Especially if you are female and quite a bit younger than they expected you to be. Do not get me wrong, they are hospitable to say the least and polite, proper, thoughtful, and modest. I am so unbelievably grateful that our hosts spoke English, as did the employees in our hotel, within the airport, and even the guy who owned the gas station - who must have had a good laugh at our utter confusion with their pumps. Diesel - really there are five kinds of diesel - who knew? I enjoyed myself for the very brief time I was in Germany and fell in love with the idea of conducting International business. (despite my very real fear of flying). But my first encounter with Europe brought forth the contemplation of excess.

Excessive is a great way to describe Americans after spending time in a European country and getting to know a Brit who travels to Texas once a month. Everything we do is large. From our cars to our hotel rooms to our elevators, offices, houses, and restaurants. We are loud and disrespectful in an attention seeking way that the Germans are not. We are egocentric and inappropriate. We are focused on the wrong things to include 6000 square foot homes and gas guzzling SUV's. My new friends in Germany and the Brit talked largely about their "holiday" as all of them were gearing up for 2 weeks away. (They get 25-30 days of "holiday" in addition to a number of public holidays). Excess is what is on my mind as I open my InStyle Magazine and read that Kimora Lee Simmons owns 500 pairs of jeans, 10 of which are in regular rotation, changes her clothes 5 times a day, and converted two bedrooms within her mansion into a custom closet. Living well is one thing, living true is a blessing, but obnoxious excess is...well for now, it is the American way.

The picture above on the left is the view from our hotel. We had dinner right there on the water. The picture on the right is of the town in which we visited and the castle we got to see on our way to and from dinner as we walked in the town square. Note to women - town square, pointy high heeled shoes - not a match!

This post is boring!

I am in a panic about my trip tomorrow and as such I am having the weirdest dreams. I am also waking up in the middle of the night thinking about what I should take and my presentation and how to say things in German. I am falling apart, which is bizarre for me because I am good at what I do. It has to be all about the plane trip.

So today we watched Stargate SG-1 Season 10. We are only into disc 3 with several more to go. I am not a SciFi fan, but there are some shows that really enjoy. I was pretty over it when Richard Dean Anderson left, but I am digging the story line with Claudia Black. There is a romantic husband that she left behind and a bond with Daniel Jackson. Remember, I am a sucker for romance and passion.

I am watching the Bronco game and G has to continue to remind me that 1) Chloe is asleep and 2) it is a Pre Season game in which the first string has only been on the field for 25 plays. That being said, Mike Shanahan is already questionable with me for the way he handled Jake Plummer. Thus far, I am not impressed with this Cutler child. I love and I mean love John Lynch. That man has heart and soul.

There are a few things that make me yell at the television like a lunatic - football, sometimes baseball, and Meet The Press! Interestingly enough, they will all three be on TV for the next couple of months.

This is a rather boring post, I just wanted to have something on air before I left town as I do not know if I will have enough access to post

The Count Down Continues.....

I woke up at 2:45 am and thought, "Oh God, I wonder if Germans like PowerPoint presentations". A normal person would roll over and go back to sleep, but as we know, well, I am just not normal. So I got up and ran downstairs, dogs right behind me, grabbed my PDA, and started writing an email in the dark. Of course, I hear little feet and my girl gets on the couch asking what I am doing. So she and I slept on the couch for an hour and then headed off to the guest room where we have a queen size bed. So the Little, myself, and one dog shared the bed, while the other dog laid on the floor, sighing heavily. I know she was pissed that we had left G upstairs alone. There are times when I love sleeping with my Little and this was one of those nights! I am exhausted and just said to my co-worker, My Brain hurts and not in a good way. But I leave on Sunday, so I want to get my time in.

In other news, the Dow has plummeted, there is a Hurricane in the Atlantic, and Michael Vick may have some jail time. I for one, am thrilled and think that a year is not quite long enough. We have a consultant in our office and he knows that I am a conservative GOP loyalist. Mr. Smith came back to ask me today if I had seen the light. I want ranting about the Chinese and their toy recalls, so maybe they should just stop trying to poison our children with their lead. Let me say this about my politics: If there is gender based legislation, you can pretty much guarantee it is going to screw women to benefit men - so I fight it. If there is harm to a child or to animals - I fight it. If it involves the evil Chinese or the worthless French - I fight it. I am my own Republican and that is what makes this a great nation. In any other country, I would have been stoned long ago. God Bless America!

Count down to my break down.....

I am afraid to fly. Ridiculous I know and even worse because I am a sales rep, which instantly means travel. I am 34 and have never been farther than Mexico. Ladies and Gentlemen, steer clear of the Denver International Airport on Sunday as this psycho is leaving for Germany!

Seriously, before you get excited, realize it is a business trip and my schedule looks like this:
Leave Sunday
Arrive Monday at 11:30am, drive an hour and a half to the town, deliver collateral to the companies that said no to a demo, but yes to information
Tuesday meeting at noon and into the evening, client dinner until God knows when
Wednesday drive back to the airport and leave at 2:30

So let's talk about the ramifications of said trip: I leave Sunday at noon and desert my husband who will have all three children, Tuesday is said husband's birthday, I have never travelled internationally and am now doing it for business and not with said husband.

Professionally: I better come home with a signed contract! Which requires that I not say or do anything that could be conceived as ill mannered by the good foreign folks I am meeting with. Oh Seriously, Jet-lagged and Psycho from flying-what are the chances my mouth could get me in trouble? Did I mention that drinking beer is good business etiquette? Better update my resume!

Go Mary Jane Watson

As most of you know, I am a romantic. I want a happy ending and the right guy to get the girl in the end. You should also know that I am a novice, but a lover of comic book character movies. I do not want to argue who made the better Batman or Superman, or how close the movie story line is to the actual books. I do not care and do not read the books, but I love the Superheros.

I almost gave up Spiderman last night. Yes, I said it. They almost lost me. So we are watching Spiderman 2, because the Little is now into this stuff and I had not seen it yet. The whole movie is about Mary Jane Watson begging Peter Parker to tell her that he loves her because WE ALL KNOW HE DOES. But he won't. She cries, she accepts the proposal of another man, and he won't. He does not care that she waits tables to make ends meet while trying to get an acting job. She does not care that he is a poor newpaper photographer by day and Superhero by night. They love each other, madly truly deeply. They have always been there for one another and seen each other at their worst. So I get mad - and I mean mad. I am about to admonish Spiderman3 from ever coming into the house. And she does it. She runs out on her wedding, straight to the hobble that Peter Parker calls home. She decides that love can conquer all and that she will not let him tell her that they cannot be together. Because really, what kind of shit is that? If we have nothing else but love and passion, then brother, we have it all.

Sunday Contemplation

So I am thinking heavily about resistance versus nonresistance in my life. G and I have been having a long and thoughtful conversation today about the effect parents have on us as children and what we continue to carry as adults. The natural tendency is to try and garner acceptance from your parents and make them proud through dedication and hard work. I do not have those options. In my case, I cannot gain acceptance nor am I able to make them proud. Nothing I do is the right thing. I did not marry the right man, I do not have the right number of children, I do not live on the right side of town or in the right house. My mother is the person who does not want me to do better than they did and does not celebrate my achievements.

So back to resistance versus nonresistance. We have two choices when dealing with situations and the analogy I read today was in regards to skydiving. If you throw your body out of a plane and practice nonresistance, then you are not going to free fall in a controlled way, hence you must practice resistance. When you learn martial arts, the movement is all about nonresistance. So I have my rules askew right now. I am practicing resistance to those in my life that I should be practicing nonresistance and vice versa. To make the necessary changes, I have to acknowledge why I would resist the people/things that I do. This is easier said than do....stay tuned!

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

So tying into my blog about my friend and her cheating husband and the real fact that I am tired and have little time for anything else, my 3 yr old daughter had her very first sleep over last night. It was my friend's little girl - the girls are in the same class at school. So it went fine, I made them dinner because they said they were hungry, neither one of them ate, even though I made them exactly what they asked for, cleaned up their dinner dishes, and made them snacks 10 minutes later. I could not get them to sleep until after 10pm and they woke me at 3am and again at 6am. So early this morning, I watched Barbie as Rapunzel with my two favorite girls half sitting and half laying on me. We had some breakfast and then went off to the playground. Our little guest started crying when her mother showed up because she did not want to go to the mountains as planned and instead wanted to go to ballet with my Little because they are in that class together on Saturdays as well.

I taught my daughter the meaning of gratitude today and she said she had gratitude for her friend having a sleepover with her and for the little boy in her class asking her to the birthday party she went to last weekend. I am grateful that my friend trusted me with her precious cargo and that I can be there for her. I am grateful that I do not have to make the hard decisions she is faced with and that if I did, I have strong friends that would support me.

August is about gratitude and I am going to be all about being grateful.

Odds and Ends

Mitt Romney won the straw poll in Iowa. The road to the White House seems to start earlier and earlier. I will have A LOT to say about this election, but choose to stave off my ranting and raving for as long as possible.

One more reason not to buy a Chrysler, as if we need one, those morons hired Bob Nardelli. Yes, the ex-CEO of Home Depot. Yes, he was fired by the Home Depot board, who payed him $210 million dollars to go the hell away. Chrysler thinks maybe he learned something from the ordeal and will pull them out of the unprofitable status they or in...or they are expecting him to fail so that they do not burn in hell when they sell to the Chinese. Note to Chrysler Board: You will in fact burn in hell when you sell to the Chinese. Could someone explain to the Board that China holds our debts and is threatening to send us into a recession if we do not back off our demands to cease their little bomb producing industry and stop selling shit products to the United States. Hmmmm, could it be, could it be Satan? Seriously!

So little time in a day

Tomorrow is one of those long days and I have already had a long week, but on some strange level, I am excited. I start my day with a CSIA DEMO gala meeting at 7:30am downtown. I have completely lost my mind in that I am on the steering committee, Nomination Committee, Chair of the Conference Committee, a member of the Sales Committee, Selection Committee, and still trying to raise funds for the CSIA CSU Inspire to Innovate First Annual Scholarship that we will awarded at the gala dinner. This equates to three to four DEMO meetings a week for the next couple of weeks and then more as we move closer to crunch time and the actual event in October. So after my meeting, I will go to work (Yes, I still have a day job) until the CSIA Wine Tasting Event at the Governor's Mansion. This after I popped off to the Governor's Advocate about Mr. Ritter's state hotline program just yesterday. I am excited about the wine tasting event for many reasons: 1) I genuinely enjoy the members of CSIA and some of them I do not get to see regularly, 2) I genuinely love Garfield Estates wine and they are a sponsor - thank you Jeff Carr, and 3) because I have invited and am hosting the CEO of madKast and though I am not a technical mind, I love sexy technology and I love when they innovate, create inside of Colorado, and boost the economy even more. I am a borderline politician, economist, philanthropist, maniac.

So I have become a Tri junkie and am now looking for my next race. I have said the next race is a 5K to improve my time, but I am about 5 races down the line in my head. So there is a Marine Corp 5K in a couple of months, then a 10K in December, a 10 mile in January, then I should be at a half marathon. I will either run the Boulder Backroads Half or maybe the full marathon if I am ready because I am loyal to them in that my first BB and first half marathon was on my 33rd birthday. They sang Happy Birthday to me at the aid stations and except for those who dropped out, I was dead last. Everyone - volunteers, participants, spectators, lined the course as I came in and cheered for me. It was amazing and I am loyal. Unlike running races, Tri's have a season - or at least this is what I gather from the research I have done this week. But the Danskin is on my list, as is the Tri for the Cure. I want to do a couple more sprint tri's before I increase the distance. I do not have time for any of this!

So speaking of things I do not have time for, I have started writing again and have an article ready for a magazine. It is actually a series concept in which I have the first two months written. Fingers crossed that 1) I will do something more than carry the articles around with me, 2) I will submit them to a couple different publications, and 3) one of them will be crazy enough to publish me, make me a regular contributor, or at least allow me to freelance.

Success

Well, the intention to go to bed early was genuine, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions! After getting no sleep, I headed out to the Tri for a Cure. There was a point when I was really excited, which was quickly replaced by panic and fear. That point came about the time in which I got winded pushing my bike up the hill to get to the event from where I parked. I made mistake in that I took only one bottle of water (for my bike) and one bag (two servings) of Clif blocks(strawberry). The best thing I did was visit Caroline at Boulder Running Company in Littleton. I was worried about the transitions and swimsuit to bike shorts to running shorts and the absolutely necessary jog bra. She suggested ZOOT Tri separates that I could wear my bra underneath and wear throughout the race. It was perfect and I am so thankful to her. She is always supportive and helpful. So, the question of the day is did I finish. Well, there were times in which I wanted to quit, but I did not! I even finished short of the 3 hour goal I had in mind. Though the times are not perfect, they are mine and I love them! I think this is the perfect sport for me. I have a short attention span and by the time I get tired of one sport, it is time to move on to the next one. Now keep in mind this event was what they call a Sprint Triathlon, meaning the swim was a half mile, 12 mile bike ride, and 5k run - which I pretty much walked, but I also did not really train and am in horrible shape.

So the next event is the Boulder Backroads Half Marathon, but I think I will forgo it this year. I want to train for a 5K and get my pace back on par. Right now I am running a 19 minute mile, which my husband categorizes as S L O W. So run a 5K and run it well, then train for a 10K, 10 miles, half marathon, and then I would like to think about a marathon. Once I can run a half in under 2 hours, then I will revisit what training for a real Tri would look like. Of course, I have an obsessive behavior and a competitive will, so this could consume me. Much like getting my fighting weight back. We will see.....Ok, so my time is below!

F 30-34 LITTLETON CO 02:43:04

What was I thinking?

I am getting ready to go to bed. I am competing in the Tri for the Cure tomorrow and have to be there before 6am. I am very nervous and have had a busy day today, so at least I am tired enough for bed at 8:30pm. Wish me luck....more to come

I get so upset when I feel like people I know and respect/like, etc. are wronged. Case in point, someone I see almost daily and have for the past couple of years has seperated from her husband. I am not ready to talk about why, but she is now trying to get past this trial while working a full-time job and caring for their two young children. Doesn't this speak to the strength of women? well, yes, but doesn't it also get back to the fact that men get to choose to be Dads while women have no choice but to raise their children. My husband and I argue about abortion to the point that it is not a topic of discussion in our household. In fact, the last time we honestly talked about our positions was in 2002 and I had my suitcase in hand.

In my opinion, until men are 100% responsible for any children produced by their sperm or find themselves giving birth, abortion is not a subject they should or can weigh in on. It is a gender specific policy that does not get to be debated by a government that is still run by men as a majority. I get the whole life at conception argument. I do not agree with this as a decision when there are so many other options. That being said....At the end of the day, this is between the mother, her family, and her God. No one knows what is best for her, certainly not some broke dick man who at the end of the day, is just going to leave.

My "Little" Wants a Baby Sister

How do you explain to a 3 yr old that she is not going to get a Baby Sister. Especially when she says, "Please, I will be a really good girl and share my toys, please Mommy I want to be a sister". To which I answer that she is already a sister though her brothers are 15 & 18, which I full well know, does not count. So being the clever sort that she is she says "I don't want to be the baby anymore". Ok, then we will call you our big girl. None of this is helping and I just cannot come out and say that Daddy has had a vasectomy and cannot have anymore children, plus he is almost 45 and just too damn old to having more children. Add to that the fact that I did not want to have children, but am blessed to have her in my life. How do you explain that. So I simply and stupidly said "I am very happy to have had Mackenzie and now you, so really you have had a sister and are still the baby." My darling creature looked at me and said "Mackenzie was a baby sister, but she is dead with the angels. We need a new baby in your tummy." So at this point I say "Go ask Daddy!" Good Luck with that one honey!!

My brother is not married and does not have any children that he knows about. I have had one unsuccessful marriage and am on marriage number two. There are days I am more successful than others and keeping Juarez in my head probably makes for a crowded bed at times.
The thing I cannot understand is why my brother and I see relationships as disposable items. That is not true for all relationships either. He and I both stay in the relationships we have had since middle/high school, but do not do so well with the bonds we have formed as adult. My parents have been married for 35 years, though they were insanely unhappy for many of those years. Now I think they are co-dependant, but that is a whole new entry. Just things I am thinking about right now!

Nasty Boys

I do not have much today - but I have an office moment that damn near made me snort today.
My colleague, Tom, turned around and said "Why would Michael Jackson go from a black man and become a white woman?" Random! I am still giggling.

Intuition and Skid Row

There are two books I read everyday because they are date affiliated. One of them being "More Language of Letting Go - 366 New Daily Meditations" by Melody Beattie. July's theme is Learn To Say How It Feels. The meditation for July 28th is Turn the Switch On focusing on intuition. This is a timely subject as I am in my head right now about making good decisions. When was the last time I made a good decision rather than just a decision and can I trust myself to make a good decision? So I am caught up in the fact that there is something wrong with me and the way I react, think, walk through life unconscious, etc. Here is the insightful little tid bit thrust at me on July 28th:

Many of us have turned off our intuition switch, our sense of knowing the truth. We may have turned it off when we were children, because our parents lied to us. Or we may have turned the switch off later on in life to be in relationship to people who were lying to themselves and us. Our inner voice, our sense of knowing the truth, had to be turned off in order for us to remain in the situation.

My answer is Yes & Yes and there are many examples of how I lost it, so now how do I find it. The exercise from my book requires me to meditate and see myself in a closet turning my intuition switch on. Um, no. Let's think about a better way to garner the same results. As for now, I do not have an answer, but I am looking for one.

Embarrassingly enough - when I work around the house I listen to - wait for it - Arena Rock! So I heard the song "I remember you" by Skid Row. So the long hair was a bit much, the make-up a tad frightening, and we will not even go to the place that allows grown men to maneuver their package into spandex. But I must say, these hair band guys were romantic and dramatic and they play right into the fantasy land that at times I live in. Here are the lyrics:

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and Id think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through
I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
Id stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

Chorus: Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
Id wanna hear you say - I remember you

We spend the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said I love you babe, without a sound
I said Id give my life for just one kiss
Id live for your smile and die for your kiss

We've had our share of hard times
But that's the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you'll never be lonely
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away cause you'll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you

And I cannot get my mind off of the person I associate this song (and a couple more) with. Does anyone else have this problem? Or am I on my own Planet Crazy?

A Letter To My Little

I am going to a baby shower tonight for one of the executives in our office. It is really the first baby shower I have been to since I had my "Little". She is also having a girl and it has brought out a sentimentality that rivals any sentimentality that I have had about my daughter thus far.

I went to Babies R Us and realized how fast she became 3 years old - an No, it was not within three year, it just could not have been. Now I am looking at the baby shower card that I am about to sign and it reads:

Having a daughter means loving more than you knew you could love.

It means giving more than you knew you could give.

It means receiving so much more in return.

Having a daughter means knowing that whatever else you did or didn't do,

you gave the world something beautiful.

There are so many things I want to say to my daughter, though she will not understand for years to come. She is the best gift I have ever received. She is my greatest accomplishment.

She is the best of me and non of the worse of me. My letter to her would look like this:

Dear Baby Girl,

The moment I laid my eyes on you the world stopped for a matter of seconds. Once I brought you home time sped up and got away from me. Before I knew it you were rolling, crawling, walking, running. Together we grow and I am learning all the things my parents never taught me, including patience and tolerance, laughter and silliness, and most of all, unconditional love. Darling, please be patient with me as I try to be the most genuine mother to you and though I cannot be your friend until I have done my job as your parent, know that I am looking forward to the evolution of our relationship. You are my brightest sunshine and most brilliant rainbow. You inspire me, educate me, and make me reach deep within myself for success. I am proud of you everyday and hope that together we grow into strong, confident, self-assured, healthy women that rise and set with true happiness in our hearts.

With Love From Your Mother.

Living with a Narcissist

I called my mother to let her know that "Little" was coming over on Saturday to spend the night. Unfortunately, that little task established a window for her to ask about my life so that she could criticize, give unsolicited advice, and revel in the fact that she is on higher ground than I at his particular moment. And can I tell you, she had no idea that 1) it was my wedding anniversary and 2) that I have been married for four years. Anyhow. Let's discuss.

My mother is one of those people who has ailments of various kinds, depending on how much attention she will garner from it. Case in point, when I was in high school, and at the height of her alcoholism, she would come home from the bar before my father and sit on the couch smoking cigarettes and crying. In reality she was crying because she was drunk, Dad would not come home when she wanted him to come home, and I think at that point she knew he was sleeping with her friends, but her story was that she had bleeding ulcers and the doctors said she could die. I actually felt guilty because I thought well, if you are going to die, please just do it so that I can have some peace. Actually, come to think of it, I am not sure I felt guilty about my feelings then.

Now, at the age of 56, she is too old for anything she does not want to do and instead of saying she does not want to do it, she just says she is too old and too tired. So I make sure I keep that in my pocket so that I can throw it out at her anytime she thinks she wants to do something in relation to my daughter that I do not want her to do. Works both ways Mother.

The other thing to know about Dear old Mom is that she does not want her children to be happier, smarter, more successful than she. My husband and I bought a very large house in 2003 that we built with every upgrade that the builder offered, including the largest lot in the neighborhood. Business was good and we had some family issues on his side that led us to believe that we would need room for a parent, plus we had the two boys to consider. Well it is 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms and sits on 17,000 square feet. The landscaping has cost us more than we will have to pay for the boys to go to college, including room & board, and we still have 1/3 of the yard incomplete. So, it is time consuming, costly, and now that the boys are in high school, too big for the three of us. We called G's parents and said, we are selling the house because of and laid out what I described in my previous statement. They said (and mind you that they are in their 70's, on a fixed income, and he is the only one with retirement), are you two ok, we know you love that house, are you in financial trouble, can we send money, etc. Supportive! My mother said, well I told you not to buy a house that big/expensive and you are not going to sell it in this market at that price and trying to keep it clean during the sales process is so hard, but we have all had to do it. You know when I was - blah blah blah.........
You get the idea.