A Gift From the Museum

So today we went off to the museum to see the Dinosaur exhibit that is closing next week. This time at home with my family has really made me think about the way I am doing my life and the things my daughter and I are missing out on. The way I do my life is 100 miles an hour during the week and then at a full stop on the weekends. In fact, there are weekends in which I will not step foot outside. I think I have been suffering from some depression that I am slowly but surely washing away and I think a lack of exercise is playing into my fatigue. I have been renewed as a mother having this time with my Little and have been reconsidering the things that I once thought were so important to me. My favorite part of vacation is that my Little will crawl into bed with me in the mornings and snuggle for a bit before we get up and start our day. I am really going to miss that when I go back to work. Going on day trips has really brought us to life and given us the opportunity to talk in the car and see new sights and enjoy new experiences. I don't think I need to plan my life out every weekend, but I think I am doing us a great dis-service by not taking advantage of all Colorado has to offer if I do not plan more for us to do on the weekends.

Vacation Diet of Chocolate and Real Meat - the stuff of GI Suffering

So Christmas came and went and it occurred to me that I had another 10 days of vacation. I don't do well on vacation unless I have a schedule. I eat poorly, I sleep too much, I do not interact with people - which is bad for an extroverted personality, and I find myself on the couch watching whatever the hell and then berating myself at the end of the day for accomplishing nothing. So once I started responding to email from work and answering calls, G started getting spooked that I would ditch the vacation plan and head back to work. Don't laugh, I have done it before. So instead, he got me addicted to a XBox game that had me as a sorceress shooting spells at monsters, trying not to die, and grabbing treasures to buy new, better gear. Yes, I spent two days doing this. The construction of the three story Barbie Dream House followed. I cannot tell you how big this house is, so I've showed you. Barbie and all her friends are hooked up. The top is a media alcove and G was in awe of her surround sound. Of course he is not happy unless I can hear the movie he is watching in the basement from my office on the 2nd floor. He gets less happy when I start yelling, complaining, and stomping of the floor of the various level - no one said being married to me was a dream right? All in all, vacation is going well - but I have to change my diet of chocolate and real meat to something lower fat. Stay Tuned.......

Christmas 2008

The rarity of this kind of Christmas will come to an end in the coming years and so I want to savor this. My Little came into our room this morning and crawled into bed. I cuddled her and covered her and warmed the little feet she put on my legs. I quietly whispered in her ear asking her if she thought Santa had come to our house last night. In her sleepiness, she had completely forgotten that it was Christmas morning. She had slept until a little after 7am. She put on her slippers and patiently waited for us to get out of the bed and warmly dressed. My daughter went to the tree and jumped up and down clapping at her Barbie Dream House and Tinker Bell Fairy Land and hoards of other gifts. She was orderly and put her wrapping paper in the trash bag. She was excited to see her older brothers who hugged and kissed her when they arrived from their Mother's house. Her Uncle Ken joined us for the breakfast feast I made for them.

People ask me every year if I got what I wanted for Christmas...Every year I smile and say yes. Little do they know that I got everything I wanted the minute she came into my life and I will get what I want every year so long as she is happy and healthy. My Little is the best thing G has ever given me!

The Best Kind Of Family

So in the Spring of 1998, I met them - G, Ken, and Gubby, the men I lovingly refer to as the triplets. I met Ken first in the Board room of my favorite client who had leaned pretty hard on their vendors to participate in the Relay for Life at Mile High Stadium to raise money for the American Cancer Society. G, I met the following day - in fact, the day that my now ex-husband, had me served with papers peitioning for alimony. It was the beginning of the event, in which a team member had to be on the track every minute of the event. There were enough of us that we were able to break the 24 hour event into shifts. Ok, so there was a boy's tent and a girl's tent and if you know me, then you know I ended up in the boy's tent. (G loves to tell people we slept together the night we met. He fails to tell people that we were on seperate sides of the tent, I was seeing someone, and overall, thanks to Mike Scroghem, I hated all men!)

Ok, so we know how this story comes together in that G chased me for almost a year before I would go out with him, he proposed, we moved in together, we got married, we had a baby girl, life is good. Gubby is Little's GodFather and if Ken believed in anything pertaining to religion, he would be too. We have gone through 11 years of living with one another and I love these men. So it is Christmas Eve, Gubby and his wife are going on an Austrian ski vacation and leaving on Christmas Day, so its dinner at their house. We relive memories - including the New Year's Eve that I was pregnant and the triplets decided I could not go out, so we stayed in - and we watched the Family Business marathon on Showtime,- we eat great food (Gubby's wife is a gourmet chef as a hobby), and drank fabulous wine (which after all this time, they let me bring!!! And I freaking rocked it with the wine - thank God for fine Italian reds). I told my Little on the way home that this was the meaning of family. People who know you and still love you. People you can know through good times and through bad times and still love you. They are the people that carry you when you cannot walk on your own. They are the people who want to celebrate a holiday with you before they leave town for their own holiday. They are the best kind of family.

There Are Worse Addictions I Suppose

So I guess there are worse addictions to have than FaceBook, but right now, I am obsessed. I have been a member for sometime now, but I have watched from the peripheral rather than dive in. Now that I am a full-fledged participant, I feel a sense of belonging, comraderie, pride, and nostalgia re-connecting with my former Buffs. It is so cool to see us all grown up - some look the same, some are balding, some are aging, and some are struggling for the first time in their lives. I feel like I want to be supportive of these people because I was quite guarded and superficial growing up and yet, most of them tolerated me.

I have also uncovered sad news in that a man who was admired and well-liked passed at the beginning of this year. (http://www.gregscancerfoundation.com/) He died 60 days after he learned he had colorectal cancer at the age of 36. He spent some of his final days just down the road from me last year and I was totally oblivious. This gets me thinking and internalizing. I have had my share of failures and celebrations and ups and downs, but so have the people I went to high school with. Life is so imperfect and yet we all go through it, mostly alone. The people I have reconnected with were not my best friends, because, in fact, I am still close with them, but they were people that I saw almost everyday of my life. The worse part is that they had no idea what I was going through at the time because I had a wall in place of real feelings. I drank and partied, and kept everyone an arm length away from me, when in fact, as I now realize, these people could have been the strength I needed.

I sent a friend invite to Mackenzie's father as we were high school sweethearts from two different schools. I realize now that we cannot be friends. We have been through too much to ever be friends. We are married to other people and have had children of our own that are beautiful and perfect. I think about him and I am so apologetic for so many wrongs I made towards him because of my own baggage and chaos. I am so very sorry that we lost our child, but that is where our relationship ends for now and maybe forever. There are things he gave me that I hold onto in my head and my heart that I can only appreciate now that I have perspective on healthy relationships and no longer live in my parent's home. I wish he knew that at least.

Vacation is not a four letter word.

So the reality is starting to set in - I have one more day of work and then I am on holiday. When I say that, I mean that I will not step foot in the hospital until January 5th. There are a multitude of problems with this plan. First off, I have not taken this much time off since 1999 and I did not enjoy it the last time I did. Secondarily, I have my email connected to my smartphone, so what do I do with that - especially since I am addicted to my email. Thirdly, we just opened a new facility and are still trying to adjust to that and all that entails. And finally, I am the go to person in our department in that we have an interim director and enough said about that whole thing.

Someone asked how I was going to handle having nothing to do. Ah contraire monfraire, I have plenty to do and have planned my days. There will be a trip to the Butterfly Pavilion, the Museum of Nature and Science, the IMAX, Zoo Lights, ice skating, movies, and a trip to the mountains. There will be winter cleaning and reading and writing and mileage. There will be some freaking mileage! There will be preparation of the New Year in which I will once again attempt to give up coffee and begin a plan for clean eating. There will be shopping for my Little who has had a growth spurt resulting in nothing but high water pants in her closet. There will be 5th birthday party planning and baking and lunching and lounging and lots of pajama wearing.

Oh My God, what have I done?

All Work & No Play

Madness does not even begin to describe the past two weeks. Well last week was just borderline busy. I spent the first two days in the Revenue Cycle Value Stream Analysis with some really interesting people and a couple not so interesting people, wrote and submitted my first Black Belt report to the CEO, and started working on two future reports that I hope will awe and inspire.

This week was all about planning the opening a portion of our new Emergency Department or opening a portion of our new Emergency Room. I say a portion because we opened 25 new rooms and are still building. By the time we open the whole thing, well, I cannot even imagine.
There were also holiday celebrations that required me to bring a dish. Thank God for whomever created deviled eggs - easier than pie! Now I have two days left before I am on vacation for the remainder of the year. This is both a blessing and a curse.

Good In Bed

My book club is reading Good In Bed

by Jennifer Weiner and I am loving it. The main character, Cannie, is a plus sized girl whose ex-boyfriend writes a magazine article titled Good In Bed, which is about her. It is a book that I relating to very well. I am plus-sized and all that comes with that. What makes her story so funny is the addition of her lesbian mother, her partner, and that they are all Jewish. Great book that I am not wanting to put down.

Interesting Conversations

I don't know how I get myself into the types of conversations, but they seem to take me places in my own mind. Someone I know is going through a divorce. He is one of those who cannot be alone, so he is already dating someone we work with. The thing is that he has not fully resolved his marriage and his feelings around that. He is, of course, angry and hurt and does not trust her since she was the one who left him, but he is still in love with her. Problem is that he also has feelings for ReBound Chick, which is truly what I feel the girlfriend is. So we have been talking through this and the topic turned to crushes. He does not understand how someone could have a crush on someone else and not act on it. I do not know how you can have a crush on someone and actually act on it.

Thank God for my Little

This is the time of year when I am so thankful for this little girl. I am so unbelievably grateful that I have this being. She is so funny in the things she says and such a love. I am so looking forward to our holiday together so that we can talk and play and cuddle and drink hot cocoa and dream and whisper and sing and laugh.

I have come so far that I can enjoy this..............

Fear of Success Part II

So continuing on the theme of fear of success, the next part of the article I am reading has this to say about the fear of success:

Fear of success can result in:
A lack of effort to achieve goals you have set for yourself in school, on the job, at home, in relationships, or in your personal growth.
Self-destructive behavior: tripping yourself up to make sure you do not sustain a certain level of success or achievement you once had in school, on the job, at home, in relationships, or in your personal growth.
Losing the motivation or the desire to grow, achieve, and succeed.
Feeling guilt, confusion, and anxiety when you do achieve success. This leads you to falter, waver, and eventually lose your momentum.
Your choosing to do just the opposite of what you need to do to be happy, healthy, and successful.
Reinforcing your chronic negativity, chronic pessimism, and chronic lack of achievement since you cannot, visualize yourself in a contented, successful life.
Denouncing your achievements and accomplishments; seeking ways in which you can denigrate yourself enough to lose what you've gained.

So to move forward, I have to change my behavior in the following ways to overcome my fear:

Learning to reinforce yourself for the hard work, effort, and sacrifices you've made to achieve success
Being able to honestly appraise your level of achievement, success, and accomplishment
Accepting yourself as being healthy, "together,'' happy, successful, prosperous, and accomplished
Not giving yourself any excuses for being unsuccessful
Giving others in your life permission to give you honest, open, candid feedback when they see you self-destructing or backsliding
Monitoring your level of commitment and motivation to reach your goals
Visualizing your life when you are successful
Giving others credit, recognition, and support for their personal achievements, successes, and accomplishments
Honest, open, realistic self-talk that encourages you to work your hardest to achieve the goals you have set for yourself
Accepting the compliments and recognition of others with an open heart and mind

There are questions I have to answer within the next part and will do so throughout the week. Wish me luck!

No Success for Me To Fear This Week

So I talked about my fear of success and I have found some information on how to start to deal with this. This is what I have found thus far:

• Fear of success is the:
  Belief that you are undeserving of all the good things and recognition that come your way as a result of your accomplishments and successes.
  Opposite of fear of failure, in that fear of failure is the fear of making mistakes and losing approval. Fear of success is the fear of accomplishment and being recognized and honored.
  Lack of belief in your own ability to sustain your progress, and the accomplishments you have achieved in your life.
  Fear that your accomplishments can self-destruct at anytime.
  Belief that there are others out there who are better than you, who will replace or displace you if you do not maintain your performance record.

The list was longer, but these are the ones that spoke to me. In addition, I suffer from the annoyance of my own failure. I have failed myself and subsequently others, much this week. I am not focused at work the way I should be and am not delegating tasks and so they are going unaccomplished. I am running extremely short-tempered and I am not sure if I am not sleeping because I am mad or if I am mad because I am not sleeping. There is also the possibility that I am hormonal. G's ex-wife wants more money - as if this seems shocking. My patience with the department in its current state is waning. We are about to make a huge change in our environment and the negativity surrounding this unprecedented undertaking is ridiculous. I am not exercising because it is cold outside, I cannot get motivated enough at night to pack my gym bag, and I am just too tired. I am eating terribly because I am tired and grumpy and all of this is a vicious cycle. If you have any thoughts as to how I can get off of this roller coaster, please send them over.

Rain Drops On Roses

I love the snow and the cold. I love the holidays and I love the hospital. I am still anxious and irritable, so I guess this makes me a bit bi-polar or something.

PMS, Patience, and Sleeping Pills Might Help

I have thrown fits this week, been irritable, am not sleeping at night, and eat salty then sweet until I am sick. If I am not in a full fledged PMS state then I do not know what is wrong with me.
This week has been frustrating in that I have had highs and lows. Monday brought me incorrect data suggesting that I would not get funding for school - which made me annoyed, frustrated, and determined to find a way. Tuesday brought me news that Monday's news was incorrect and I have the money I need to finish my degree. Wednesday has me yelling into my cell phone while driving home. On the other end, the poor soul that is interviewing for the Director position and my number one pick. I am sure I was clear that I need a mentor and to continue to learn, I need to drive forward, fixing all that is ailing in the department, and that I need some room to make things happen. I promised that I would make good decisions that included making him look good and would take the hit for anything that failed. Patience, I am supposed to have some patience.

Jammie Day

Jammie Day - Oh how much do I love Jammie Day. It is snowing and I mean, SNOWING. There is football and it is cold, rainy, blood on the jerseys football. There was brunch, G went out into the cold and snow to get me a paper and a latte, and there is soup at some point in my day. I cannot even complain about the laundry that has to be done or the scholarship applications that are due today because for now there is jammies, football, and snow.

Reasons I Should Drink More....

Step One: Argue with the men in my house about Christmas decorations and when we will (or how long they can put off) put up the tree.
Step Two: Supervise the men in my house getting into the crawl space and bringing the storage boxes up into the living room while responding to their complaints that they mistakenly think I cannot hear.
Step Three: Listen to the men in my house partake in the annual real tree vs fake tree debate.
Step Four: Watch as G puts up the fake tree that middle son and I cannot stand, but he and the Little like. Older son just does not care and as usual, has no opinion - especially if he has to side with one or other of us and not both.
Step Five: Decide unanimously that we will leave the fake tree up for a week and decide next weekend if we will drag a real tree into the house to replace the 6.5 foot boxed tree.

Who says holidays are priceless? Everything comes at a price....

No Black Friday for This Girl

Black Friday has never interested me. Retailers cannot give me enough of a discount to get up early enough to make it to the 4am opening and interact with thousands of bargain shoppers. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but I am not a big fan of the general public and giving them license to act like complete animals is icing on that cake. Not to mention the fact that I am a tad claustrophobic. And who stampedes into a WalMart with such force that you take a man's life?

So instead, I started the day with bagels from Einstein, lattes from Starbucks, and a trip to the local Sunflower Farmers Market and King Soopers with my Little.

I bought the Clean Eating Diet Cookbook and love the recipes I am seeing in there. My mother often jokes that she had a ceste pool rather than a gene pool and suffers from all sorts of malidies that I am sure can be staved off by some clean eating. Of course, she spent years as an alcoholic, smoked for more than 30 years, did not exercise until recently, drinks coffee from the time she gets up until she goes back to bed, and eats mayonaisse on everything from sandwiches to fruit to potato chips.

So, my first order of business is to wrap my head around what it means to eat clean and then work up the courage to give up coffee as a staple in my diet. I guess I should start walking around with a warning label.

Thanksgiving 2008

So my Thanksgiving was surprisingly pleasant. The boys left early for their Mom's house and Little spent the night at my Mom's house with my parents, my Grandmother, my brother, and my Aunt. So with the kids all gone, I got to sleep in, spend a lazy morning watching the parade, drinking coffee, and going for a walk with G and the dogs. The boys met us at 2 and we headed East.

Little was so happy to see us and showed everyone the Christmas Village she got to set up with her Bubbi (that is what she calls my mother). Little showed off the lipstick Mimi (my Grandmother - and yes, I made up that name for her) shared with her, she just loves make-up. And I opened up the first bottle of wine. I am not sure if it was the wine (of course I am in charge of selecting the wine, brought plenty, and none of it was boxed as was suggested when I asked for preferences), or if something was genuinely different, but the conversation was nice, dinner was neither late nor dry and cold, and my brother was on his best behavior and quiet.

So I have to wonder if my family has gotten the less than subtle message I have sent by limiting my exposure to them. It has been months since they have seen any of us, including my Little, and so there was conversation and appreciation. My brother got a little pissed that I would not help out in the kitchen, but Mom and I have a strict rule about entering our kitchens. In fact, I do not allow her in mine as I do things differently than she does and so it is the best way to keep some peace between us. She does Thanksgiving and I do Christmas. It is sad that we have to work so hard to keep the peace between us, but that is how it is. We never had a strong foundation and so there is nothing stable from which to build on. We do the best we can, but not everyone understands that we have to do our relationship in a certain way.

My grandmother was amazingly charming and festive. The last time we saw her, she was the Southern belle version of nasty to G and I. My fear was she would hate the color of my hair, how long it is, my lack of make-up, that I quit my corporate job for one in the service industry, the way my teenage boys dress, talk, etc, the way I raise my daughter, or my weight - which is admittedly out of control right now. She only hit one of these topics by telling me all about her success with Jenny Craig and let me tell you, my Grandmother weighs 127 pounds soaking wet - I will give you three guesses as to where in the world I got my warped relationship with food and a normal sense of body health - and the the first two guesses don't count!

Sabotage Part II

Sabotage is what I do best. G says that I have a fear of success. I am wondering if I fear success or if I feel like success is something that I really don't deserve. Or maybe it is a combination of the two. This was part of my epiphany from last night. I am not depressed or melancholy or feeling sorry for myself, but this is the path I am going down when I am truly introspective.

So now I have to decide how much of this is true, real, genuine, what to do to get past it, and how to move forward given my propensity for being driven. It could be possible that I have lost my drive, but could that really be the case?

Sabbotage Part I

I had an epiphany thanks in part to the Biggest Loser and some much wasted time on Facebook - which is the devil. If you watch TBL, then you know that Amy had a prime opportunity to send Vicky packing, which is what she should have done - especially since Vicky was the deciding vote in sending Amy home this week. Which leads you down the road to the finale and what if that vile Vicky is in the final four, or ugh gasp, wins the damn contest. So the epiphany came when I thought to the one decision that has changed the game for the duration, no matter the outcome. So, the logical place you go when you are trying to deal with regret is the one decision that changed the path of your life. Now of course, there are other decisions that you make along the way, but I know the exact decision it was. Back story would help, of course, but suffice it to say that I did not have a relationship with my parents that filled my buckets and gave me a solid platform. My immaturity and need for attention got in my way more often than not.

It was my freshman year and I was asked to "go out" with two different boys. One was my true love, my first boyfriend, and the boy who broke my heart the year before. The other was an older boy, a senior in high school, and the best way to make the love of my life crazy jealous. It was just a matter of time before he would open up, express his teenage love for me, and all would be well in Sweet Valley High. I guess I was the only one who was shocked that it did not happen that way. Instead, I continued down a path of men not right for me. Looking to fill a void that got larger and larger with each ridiculous relationship. Most of them were continued, but failed attempts at winning back the love of my life. If he were to actually talk to me, he would probably tell me that I was more into him than he was to me, or that my attempts to make him jealous is what drove him away. I, in one way or another, sabotaged the relationships that meant the most to me and they are not the ones that might be obvious to those looking from the outside.

Blathering

Ahhh, a short week. Just when I get frustrated beyond my ability to cope, the powers that be listen to me and just because someone else is taking credit for my good ideas does not mean that the powers that be are not ultimately listening to me, right? Besides it is blatantly obvious that the ideas are not original to those actually boasting about them. Change is happening and change is good. I just need to put my hands in my pockets and keep my staff steady as she goes. Ahhh, it is a short week.

A Serious Start to my Saturday.

I spent three hours this morning at a Safe Child conference to learn how to keep my child safe from Sexual Predators. Being that I sold IT Security and Data Forensics for many years, I know that these people exist, I know the statistics, and I know the warning signs. What I did not know before this morning was how that translates to educating my Little. And now I know. And I have already begun to educate my Little and will continue to do so until she is married.

Don't You Love When Someone Else Washes Your Hair?

It takes me three hours to get my haircut. And by haircut, I mean highlights too. I am bi-polar in that I get dark pieces highlighted into my hair in the summer and light pieces highlighted into my hair in the winter. I do not like my hair too anything at the time in which it is too something.
So, I get my hair done at one of the most influence hair institute in the nation - or so they say.
It just takes so long, but I think it is wholly worth it. I always feel young, fresh, and sassy when I leave. The best part, outside of the long head massage while washing out the color, is that I can walk in without a pre-conceived notion and walk out with something fabulous. Three hours or not, I love hair days!

And The Winner Is....Not Me!

So I am not going to get the Director position and in fact, I am not going to be interviewed for the position. Now, before you throw something or stomp your feet, realize that I turned down an opportunity to sit with our CFO fully knowing I was not a candidate. The upside is that she called me personally to ask me whether or not she was missing something on my resume that she was looking for in a candidate. She was right about that specific qualification. This is a woman who has been consumed with the budget. And she called me. She even offered me the opportunity to sit down with her to discuss this if I felt like I needed to. More and more, I like and respect her.

Now, before you think that I am extremely passive about this, you have to know that I did pout and whine about it for an hour or two. I mean, I am after all, spoiled. However, my husband gave me some perspective and clarity that snapped me out of the funk pretty quickly, reminding me that I have been promoted twice this year, I have not been with the organization for 12 months yet, and the promotion would have leap frogged me over the manager level. The place I have taken myself to is that I have some things I need to get together personally. I need to get healthy and want to finish my degree and then look towards a Masters degree. I can do that in my current position. Add to my daily life, these two steps towards large goals, plus my newly established Black Belt responsibilities, and I think that I have enough on my plate.

I Am Driven, HardWorking, and Not A Hypocrite

So I am working on scholarships so that I can get back into school. Again, this is one of the those times in which I could be extremely resentful, but I am choosing not to go down that path. Instead, I am asking some of my favorite people in life to write professional and character references on my behalf. There are times in which I have conversations with my sons about college and how important it is to succeed in life. Very few times have they come back pointing out my success and lack of college. Why do I get to come off like a hypocrite? Well, it is very simple, I am driven , dedicated, and hard-working. I owned my 1st business when I was in 7th grade with my best friend. We wrote a business plan, marketing material, and had business cards. This was a couple of years after I was the 2nd place cookie salesperson in the state of Texas with the Girl Scouts. Despite coming from a upper middle class family, getting a car on my 16th birthday, and getting spending money from my parents, I started working when I was 15. My first job was Dairy Queen and I have not spent 6 months without a job every since. I worked my entire pregnancy and went back only a few weeks after my Little was born. Now fortunately, I owned my own business at that time too and was able to work from home, but I made money.

Being that my sons take after their mother and are influenced by the step-father, they do not have the benefit of their work ethic to fall back on and need as much education as they can get.

Conflicted

There are says when I feel lost and today is one of those days. I feel anxious and unaccomplished. So there is a part of me that wants to push forward and gain ground on my career, feeling like I have found success in my current positon and ready for the next challenge. Then there is a part of me that wants to make myself comfortable within my current position so that I can forge ahead with my education. So, of course, I am conflicted.

I am conflicted and also very tired. Very, very tired and as I have mentioned 150 times, next week is an event week. which will be a lot of work and exhausting. And super fabulous...

Needs, Wants, and Grumpiness

I found myself to be over-tired, under-focused, and more than a bit grumpy today, though I think I did a good job keeping that to myself. There were tasks that had a deadline of today and I was in no mood to complete them. It did not help that I was dependant upon a report that did not show up until well after 1pm.

I was asked today if I was going to make a 36 before 37 list and my answer is probably not. My one area of focus this year is to get healthy – body, mind, and spirit. G and I had a lengthy conversation last night about how hard my life has been. I only went back to 18 when Mackenzie died, but he reminded me of the home I grew up in. That being said, my life has been a challenge since 1986. 22 years – no wonder I am tired.

I am trying to separate need from want right now when discussing my pursuit of ultimate happiness. I need to finish my degree, I want a promotion. I need to lose the weight I put on, I want to buy clothes in a bigger size. You get the idea…

I need to find a mentor and I have not yet found that person. There are many choices within the organization I work for, however, none of them do I have consistent access to on a regular basis. There are times in which I need some focus and direction and good solid professional advice, none of which I am getting right now – so I am feeling a bit lost. Or again, I could just be over tired!

Cool As A Cucumber!

There was no passing out today. There was the Executive Staff and the inside of the Executive Board room, and clapping, and names being called, and a Black Belt with our corporate logo. But there was no passing out! And can I just say I looked lovely in a black skirt suit and a jade silk shell. I'm just saying!

So this little accessory of mine does not come without a price and that price is that I have to submit a report representing a lean process to the CEO of our organization on the 10th of each month. The clock is ticking and I am trying not to freak out. My husband says I thrive on this type of pressure and maybe he is right, but I really am trying to not freak out. I am also chomping at the the bit to get back to my degree program. I have approximately 40 credit hours and then I can start looking at Masters programs. This gets me back to my parents and why couldn't they have been the normal supportive, send your kid to college parents, but then I have to stop myself from going down that road because it makes me mad and bitter and resentful.

Instead, I will focus on all that I have that they never did and that my brother never will. It does not make me happy that I am more fortunate, it just makes me not take it for granted.

Visions of Passing Out....

I am getting my Black Belt tomorrow morning and I am very excited. Except that I am getting it from the CEO, in front of the other executives, in the executive Board room, in front of the other Black Belts, and I am likely to pass out. But super exciting huh?

Today went really fast, thanks in part to me being totally and completely abandoned by my Leads. In fact, I do not get them back until Wednesday and I just might be in the psych ward by then. I did One on Ones today - 7 of them, with like 10 more to go before I can call it a week. I sat in a meeting where the phrase "take it in the shorts" was used. I love my job!

Lost for A Sunday.

So I have shut down my political blog and stopped watching Meet The Press. So I am finding myself lost on Sunday mornings and close to sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, mumbling to myself. I am only reading half of my Sunday paper and can't help but wonder how I am going to make it through four years of this?

I am trying to write a book and as a romantic, I have a great story line. Unfortunately, portions are based on a relationship that has had no closure for me and so I am still too close to it. This results in a block that I cannot move.

I have written half a dozen paragraphs in this blog that I have ultimately erased. I think I am way too tired to have a concise and thorough thought.

6 am on Saturday

I had so much to add to my love what you do and the rest will come verbiage, however, I was so tired last night, I could barely think. The most obscene thing about this is that I am now up at 6 am on a Saturday morning, blogging and watching Lilo & Stich with my Little, and drinking apple juice. I am still too tired to be interesting, but had a great day yesterday.



Some backstory - I stepped on the toes of an executive staff member and his employees were furious with me. So move forward two weeks to my meeting with him and I am nervous. First of all, I want something from him that will require him to trust me and Secondly, there is the business of me pissing off his staff. Of course, my intentions were good and I did it thinking that I had the authority to do so based on some miscommunication, but none of this I shared and instead decided to own the error so that I did not come off defensive.



My experience with this particular executive was insanely educational, inspirational, and like none other I have had in the past nine months. He wanted me to get to know him and he wanted to get to know me before we ever got to the meat of the agenda. Seriously, we went way beyond the half hour that was schedule, but I honestly could have hung out with him for a few more hours. In the end, I found more mentoring and another leader.

Love What You Do and the Rest Will Come....

I am still exhausted, but not feeling it as much as I should given I got up at 3:30 thanks to my Little and the dogs. I am pretty sure I have exercise to thank for that, but a little adrenaline and a latte in the morning helps I am sure. So I am conflicted. I am trying to maintain my new public servant budget, but I am pretty sure on a dietetic scale, a sugar free vanilla skim milk latte is better for me than black coffee with french vanilla creamer. I am ready to move from a grande to a tall, so really the cost is minimal. Please weigh in on this if you have an opinion!!

Tomorrow morning is the executive staff presentation of our event results and I am a little nervous. I have been told our CEO is coming and I know that both the COO and the CFO will be present. My nerves come from the fact that this is my first event, I want the E-staff to be pleased with both our work and the results, including the positive financial impact this should have, and I want to show that I can add value to the organization with my participation in the Lean process. No pressure or anything.

One of my 20 yr old employees sat down to talk to me today as I have not really seen them this week. It was apparently obvious that I am tired and she mentioned it to me, encouraging me by talking about all the overtime I must be getting. She then realized I was salary and asked me about the bonus program, which we do not have. Jumping topics, she asked me if I ever get overwhelmed by my job. That is a great question because I am feel overwhelmed at times. It is not my job though. My job is fairly simple and I think that I have become a competent Supervisor. I have a lot of tasks that the other Supervisors do not as I have more employees than one and more responsibility than the other. So where I start feeling overwhelmed is when I have to be two Supervisors, the manager, and the Director all in one. I told her that I make it through each task and each day through the love of my job and that I was so impressed by the employees that work for me. You have to love what you do and the rest will come.

A Step Forward....

I am satisfyingly exhausted tonight. I have done good work and I have physically exhausted my body through good work and exercise. My daughter had an outrageous fit this evening, and I was a great Mommy. It sounds like everything is coming up roses, but I have had some very frustrating moments that required me to breathe.

I have passion and I have anger. Sometime the two get blurred into one big emotion. I want my passion to drive me and inspire me. I want my anger to subside and dissipate into a puddle of waste. I often think about the regret I feel and the issues I have surrounding my failure to be what I wanted to be and to have the life I thought I should/would have and if I can let go of that I can have the life that I can build for myself without the baggage I currently have.

Voting Day, But I Don't Have Control Over It

I smiled as I walked across the hospital campus today. My day started by explaining the words problematic and systems to my daughter. If you have ever had a curious child, then you know how difficult and comical it is to try to define words like this is. Driving in, I chose to ignore the political discussions and shut off the radio altogether when they announced the polls had opened.

So off to my event I went with coffee in hand, eager to get down and dirty, and work for change. I smiled because of the opportunity of the day, but also because of the beauty of the campus, the weather, and the hospital.

I am not smiling tonight though. I am also trying to not be annoyed. OK, I have to carry my Little to bed now.

How Does A Walrus Walk?

The funniest thing: my daughter showed me how a walrus walks. It was wicked clever. She made a necklace today and showed me the girl bead. She tried tomatoes on her sandwich, but decided she did not like them after all, but she tried them. I am teaching her to ride her bike and we went around the block while I walked the dogs. Our neighbors had their trash cans out for tomorrow morning and so she had to place her trust in me to help her go down the sidewalk and then up again and she told me that she trusted me - which felt great. Today I am in awe of the wonders of being the Mommy of a 4 yr old. I love and adore her and miss her when I am not with her.

I had a great day all around. Yeah me.....

Boys are Dumb!

I was so anxious yesterday and thought about sitting down to write to see if that helped, but alas I could not sit still long enough. My day started with ballet for Little and then was supposed to be errands and maybe that is why I felt creepy crawly all day. Of course, the 10 pounds of Halloween candy I consumed could have contributed to me climbing the walls, but I am a stress eater, so I have go back to the idea that something was actually wrong.

I hate when I get to this point and despite my daughter's fit and my husband's stupidity, I do not think I actively took my nerves out on either one of them. That being said, I am getting really tired. I am tired of making dinner, I am tired of laundry, I am tired of arguing with a 4 yr old person, and I am tired of having to explain things to my husband that he should be smart enough to either understand or not admit when he does not.

The worse part is that he will actually try to turn his inadequacies into my short-comings and blame me for his inabilities. I find this both funny and annoying, though presently, I am annoyed and have been since I went to bed last night.

As my best friend says Boys are dumb!

2 Witches In My House

I am one of those Mommy's that would be just fine putting her child into a bubble in which no one could hurt her and she would never scrape her knee. So the thought of my Little running from house to house yelling trick or treat was not ideal for this scenario. My heart stopped every time someone answered the door, especially if it was a man. She was with a group of girls and both G and I were there along with both sets of the girl's parents, so I felt a little better about that. My Little had such a good time and in all honesty, this is the first year she has really wanted to trick or treat, so I relaxed a bit. Then this morning, I read that a little boy was shot to death and his cousin injured as they walked up to a house last night. All of a sudden, my crazy does not seem so much so anymore!

My biggest success? For the first time in 10 years, my husband gave out candy to the little ghouls and gobblins that came to our door. Baby steps!

I Am A Black Belt

So I completed my Black Belt training and I get to breath easy for about 10 minutes. My first report is due December 10th and though I have made a list of quick and easy report topics, I feel so much angst about doing this right. I also feel indebted to my organization for giving me this opportunity, one that most have had to wait years to get. I am excited as well for if you know me, then you know that something like a Black Belt report and being the Team Lead for Rapid Improvement Events are right up my alley! My November is booked with RIE's and Value Streams. I have never been in an RIE, but I love Value Streams. Both of which I will explain better as I go through the process.

In other non-news, I have heard nothing about my application for the Director's job. I am not surprised as everything takes time within my organization and the position is still posted. This is also good news for me as it is giving me time to do a 100 days report and a business plan for the department. Things I would do to make improvements and what my plans would be for the 100 days in that position.

Leadership

So we had the most dynamic and interactive speaker address our Black Belt class. He is a Director within our organization and reports directly to the CEO. He is a physician and has turned his department into a well oiled machine. He grew up in a rough neighborhood and is one of those success stories that make you want to be someone from a Blue Collar life, which I am not. His discussion, and I say that because again, it was interactive and engaging, was about Leadership and what makes someone a Leader. We are all presumed leaders based on our selection for the the Black Belt program and I think the organization has done well in maintaining the exclusivity.

What was so interesting was that Dr. U ended his discussion with how to best Lead upwards to your manager and of course, discussed his examples of dealing with his manager - Our CEO. So of course, based on my most recent experiences with my previous Director, I cannot just sit there and instead must ask questions. Apparently, the frustration with my situation was detected in my voice,by more than one person, as apparent by the number of people who talked to me about my issues earlier - where they learned that my Leadership problems are not necessarily over. Different, but not over.

My success from all of this is two part in that I gained validity for my Leadership abilities and my abilities to detect a manager who will not ever be a Leader and I got to clarify that something my previous Director told me, that had me concerned about my ability to build a career at DH was a flat out lie. Seriously, how could she have known that the very Executive that she said I had offended would be a member of my class, would give me an audience based on this very subject - so appropriate, and would guide me based on some hierarchy and career concerns I had? So really if we are keeping score, there was more than the one lie she told me, but she is after all, gone now. I would be lying if I said that I was not disappointed by the whole thing in that I thought I had found someone to be my mentor, my guide, and someone I was willing to make look really good in return, but we never got there and I now believe, we never would have. So I now have really smart people on the look out for my new mentor as unfortunately, the interim Director will not be able to fill those shoes. I fully acknowledge that I am a strong personality with high expectations, who works really hard with dedication and passion. I am not always patient, especially when something needs to be fixed. I am loyal to those who are loyal to me and able to build the highest walls when I am played with. I have spent 11 years in sales, so I know when someone is lying to me and I too wear a really great smiley face when I am seething inside. I can accept constructive criticism and have the ability to adjust my course when I feel like it is coming from a place of genuineness. I do not respect self serving motives and live my professional life by one mission, that of our organization as a whole. Posers need not apply.

I'm Not Going To Give Up.....

I ran, I ran, I ran! Oh yes I did! Ok, so it was for two minutes at a time and really slow, but I freaking ran. Oh my Gawd it felt good until it didn't. My breathing worked, my lungs worked, until they didn't. But I am not going to give up - oh no not me.

Can I Have A Whoo Whoo?

Whoo Hoo, I worked out. I walked on the treadmill, did the elliptical, lifted free weights, and used some machines. Now, keep in mind that I was only with my trainer for 30 minutes, but it felt good and I did not pass out from a lack of oxygen. One more week of taking it easy and I am back at it. I want to run the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving and then move onto a 10K. I really need this. I crave this. I want this.

The Difference In Women & Men

I watched Sex in the City again today. This time I watched it with G and let me say: I am so so so happy I watched it for the very first time with him no where near me. He would have ruined the entire experience for me. I cannot convince him, no matter how hard I try, that this story could be any woman's story. And in fact, it is pieces of mine. Minus the glamorous life, the $525 shoes, New York, the money, the incredible men......you get the picture.

I have moved out of my own apartment and into the home of a man I was not married to, only to have no where to live. I have loved a man on and off for my entire life. I have envied a friend for her perfect fairytale life. I have watched someone I care for try to move on after her husband had an affair. I have wanted passion and romance and raw animal magnetism. I have also spent days in bed and wiped the tears of my girls while they have spent days in bed.

The story is real I tell you. Sex and the City is the thing about women that men will never understand, unless they are able to appreciate the wardrobe as much as you do.

WANTED: More Logic

This week flew by and alas, my new boss shit the bed. It was over something so incredibly small and he sided with someone who is so incredibly small that I can point out his mistake in every leadership book I own. So I am back to being guarded and suspicious of him, waiting for the next opportunity he takes and knowing that the incidents will grow from small to medium to large to epic because this is how it happens. I am back to looking, wishing, and hoping for a mentor within my organization. I need someone that I can have regular access to and is able to push me beyond my current position. It is difficult for me because I am already a Supervisor, doing the work of a Manager and at times the Director, so I feel like I would need someone who is above that - especially since I have already been a Director in my lifetime. I have heard rumors that the decision for the Director position has already been made, but I have not been asked to interview. I am hoping that I get to interview at the very least.

I am getting stir crazy in my house. My lungs feel better than they have, but that is not saying much given the state they were in. I want to run and I know I will have to start by walking and I do not want to. I still gasp for air when I climb the stairs to get to my car. I have been parking on the roof on purpose and feel like I need to as punishment for not getting to work out. That is great, but I am huffing and puffing because I am ill and not because I am out of shape, which of course I am. So, you see this internal struggle I am having and how the logic fades in and out mixing with emotion. I have given this enough time though, I am at least walking next week!

Battle of Wills......

We are having a battle of wills with our Little. I have to work at not laughing because it is so funny and frustrating at the same time. She has to have the last word and wants to be the boss and is a control freak. Oh my God, which one of us is she? I say that because we are both that person and it really is a toss up as to who she is emulating at any given point. I am having this argument with elementary school programs because she turns 5 in January, but is in Kindergarten now. The question they ask is whether or not I really feel like she is ready to be with kids who are a year or two older than she is. My answer is twofold. She is already in a class with kids a year or two older and my God, they need every advantage they can get.

I am back to my regular schedule at work and happy for it. I missed having my afternoons to get stuff done and I am really looking forward to next week when I can go back to working out. I am feeling better, but still start wheezing when I try to talk to much or get passionate about something. I am getting tired quick because I am not sleeping well in my drug induced state. G said I talked in my sleep all night last night - something about fish bowls, people in the house - whatever. Apparently I sat up in bed, he asked me where I was going, I said I do not know, he said lay down, and I did. Needless to say, my husband loves me on drugs. I am so compliant. Don't get comfortable with it dear!

A Saturday of Children

Today was a zero medication day for me. Not one puff off of an inhaler, not one steroid - nothing. I'm not sure why, except that I am tired of living substance dependant, which has been a way of life for almost 3 weeks. So I might be withdrawing...or I might just be overly crabby from being tired.

My day has been filled with my children. First up, a costume themed birthday party for one of the little boys in my daughter's class. I really like this family and it was fun, but it was hot and early and I drank a soda, ate some cake, and then had pizza. Yes, that was the order of the food and I was all for it. I should have had breakfast beyond a cup of coffee, drank a lot of water, and waited for the pizza, forgoing the cake.

Next up was a conversation with my 16 yr old son, who was caught by him mother with a hookah in his car. Apparently, the newest and greatest thing is to smoke tobacco with some molasses mixture through a hookah. His mother apparently found out that he had tried it a month ago, never shared that information with us, and then found the pipe - which was left over from the experiment, but never discarded. She went ballistic and took his car away. My problem with this whole things is trust. I cannot trust this son because though he knows right from wrong, he lives his life according to his own set of rules, justifying his behavior, and making the decisions best for him. In short, I am not comfortable with his boundaries. Oh, and his mother is an self-serving idiot, so that does not help!

So we have sent said son off to Homecoming with trepidation. We cannot keep him in the house until he turns 18 and we need him to trust that he can talk to us - in the process, he confided that they drink too, and he is really feeling the consequences from not getting to use his car, not getting to spend the night at his friends houses, and that his friend's parents are blaming him for the entire thing. They are incorrect, but it is having a much larger impact on him than any other punishment we can dole out at this point as he does not like people thinking poorly of him.

I know I had a life before kids, but it was over 10 years ago - so I cannot remember it well. I know there was regular exercise, mani/pedis, and my own tom foolery to be had. I am pretty sure I miss those things, but I am just too tired to know.

UpSide~DownSide

As someone who has spent 9 months in an institution in which most employees have spent 10-20-30 years, most days I feel like a guest. Today I moved from being said guest to being home - or at least in my mind. The physicians in my Black Belt group have become Jim, Jeremy, and Mark and the titles have disappeared all around me. I allowed myself to drop my guard and feel more comfortable delivering wit and charm to the 30+ people in that room. To top my day off, I took scrub pants off of a of a surgeon today. It was a timed activity and I am proud to say, I can get a man's pants off damn fast!

Secondarily to this~I am working on a proposal that will save our organization $30K. in obvious costs. I am so excited and passionate. This environment stimulates me more than any other I have experienced. I'm so grateful and extremely fortunate for this opportunity.

So the down-side. At the same time that I am trying to take steps forward, I want my team to do the same thing. I want them to be the example by which all others follow. When and if the organization moves me ahead, I want there to be some clear cut choices to advance with me and then I want my own to fill those positions vacated by our advancement, with everyone moving forward. I am not sure I can see that clear transition and so that makes me wonder if that is my short-coming as a leader. Am I am not inspiring, do I not command respect and dedication? Or does this same more about them than it does about me? Tough questions that I will have to think about.......

In A Nutshell.....

It has been brought to my attention that some people actually follow my life through my blog, so I am going to be better about updating my life in the midst of my random thoughts.

I am still trying to get healthy, though today is a bad day for me. I worked too much and did not get enough sleep. I am feeling stretched really thin at work and hope that I am doing a good job of leading by example.

I have turned into that kind of mother in that I have to have my Little registered for 1st grade in January. Her birthday is not until January, at which time she will be 5. She has already been through Pre-School, Pre-K, and now Kindergarten. I am not willing to put her through Kindergarten again, especially in a public school program, when she will have successfully completed a more structured private program because she will not be 6 by October 1st. It is just not happening. So the county in which I live said the good news is that she could test in using the "gifted" child test, but the bad news is that they have not yet created one, though the law was passed at the beginning of this year. Of course not! So I have moved on to talking to private schools - I will keep you posted, but they have not idea who they are messing with. I am on steroids and narcotics for goodness sakes!

My poor husband is complaining that we are living like roommates and have been since the end of September. I am having a hard time not getting pissed by these comments. I mean I know what he means, but it is not like I have not been extremely sick this entire time.

I am totally wanting to get out to run, especially since I am reading the blog of my dear friend who used to be a running partner for me. I am bummed and pouting.

I guess this little life update was neither interesting or really any kind of catch up. I am doing well, just frustrated with being ill. I graduate my Black Belt training at the end of next week and the end of October holds some really interesting meetings at work that I am anxious about (learning opportunities).

Please comment/ask questions etc if I have not touched on something you are interested in!

I Have Nothing

I have nothing. I just took my bug-eyed juice and I have settled into the Presidential Debate. I cannot focus on what they are saying, so again, I have nothing. Tomorrow begins day one of the second part of my Black Belt training and I am super excited.

Just to update you all: I went ahead and applied for the promotion being offered in my department. My thought behind this is that I want the leadership to know that I plan on creating and pursuing a long term career within this organization. I want the opportunity to let them know that I am smart, dedicated, have good ideas, am out of the box thinker, and am ready to offer what I can to help take the organization to the next level and into the future. I will work hard to do that and always try to make decisions that are in the best interest of the organization and not to build my own empire. I just want that opportunity. I genuinely want the job and would be a great choice, but there are some other choices that I can see to be more obvious. Of course, I do not know who else is applying and I am not guaranteed an interview, but that is really all I am hoping for.

Slinkys and Cupie Dolls

In 1999 I had my gall bladder removed, but prior to that, I lived in agonizing pain for a week while the doctors tried to decide if I had a cancerous mass or a hernia or an alien in my gut. While playing mad scientist, they medicated me with narcotics. The result was not pretty. I tried calling Social Services because G would not put sweaters on the boys and I was sure there was a blizzard outside - reality, it was 90 degrees. Then I started packing my bags, accusing poor G of being in love with his ex-wife and offering to step aside while they rekindled their romance - reality, well the only reality here is that I was really crazy. I was walking in my sleep and continued to try to get outside. G had to argue with me about me not driving myself to work and eventually threw my keys, pager, and cell phone into the back of the closet that we shared and let's face it - I do not do the back of a closet.

Skip ahead to oh say, tonight. G and I are sitting on the couch watching some TV before bed. Regardless of the fact that we are watching one of my favorite shoes, I am totally distracted. Why you ask? Well because I am seeing little people running through my kitchen. In fact, I almost started yelling at Chloe thinking it was her, but her hair is not short and curly. My big mistake - I told G about the little people in our kitchen. At which point, our evening was abruptly ended by him insisting that I go to bed. In fact, he said he would feel better if I was in bed as quick as possible, got nervous when I started blowing out the candles, and barely let me pee by myself.

Of course, I waited until he started snoring before sneaking down stairs for some tea and a little blog. Now if I could just get the slinky type creatures to stop flipping down the stairs while I type.

Did I Say I Was Feeling Better? Silly Me

So I get a call from my doctor's office telling me I must drop everything, leave work, and go to the Emergency Department close to my house. And against my will, I go. It helped that my colleague dragged me to our ED, had my Pulse Ox tested, and it was low. I park my car at 1500, check in at 1505, and sit AND sit. It is now 1547 and I have been triaged by an ED Tech, but not registered. At 1600, I am laying in room 24. My conversation with the triage nurse went something like this"

Nurse: What brings you in today?
Me: (rolling my eyes as I am wheezing and out of breath) shortness of breath, cough
Nurse: Could you not get into your doctor
Me: They sent me here. In fact, they told me to come over here right now
Nurse: (now rolling her eyes) Yeah, they do that a lot.

Ok, so back in the room, my ED Nurse says she hears wheezing in my lungs. We are going to try a neb treatment and then off for a chest x-ray. Yeah, did that last week. Oh and thanks to my latest coughing fit, I have to pee.

Long story, and this is becoming longer and longer everyday, I have asthma on top of my bronchitis. So we, and I say we because my bronchitis has taken on a life of its own, are back to steroids, 3 more inhalers, and oh, this is new - narcotics to help me sleep. I shake like a heroin addict, but without the weight loss.

I am not sure if I am suicidal or homicidal, but the steroids should help me figure that one out!

A Sunday with Tea and My Thoughts

I am the only one up and drinking my last cup of herbal tea so that I might go to bed without coughing all night. I am starting to really get my wings beneath me, but I cannot rid myself of this pesky cough. I will not complain though, it is MUCH better than it was.

The other thing keeping me up is me in my own head. The position my boss vacated is now posted and I am fraught with what to do. I really want the job, but there are a lot of questions. I feel like I am ready for it as I would have strong support from within my own department and I have managed for a long long time. There are a lot of positive changes I would like to make that would effect the organization in a positive way. However, the culture is different than any other I have worked for in the past and I am still working hard to not offend anyone with a mis-step.

Lots to think about and advice to seek.....Oh and there will be lots of tea.

You Put Your Right Arm In......

I am doing the health hokey pokey. Last night I took a step in and today I have taken a step out. I think I am tapering off into a good old fashioned chest cold, but man, I am sick of coughing, wheezing, and being unable to breath. I am also sick of sitting up all night watching Food Network while I exhaust myself with this so that the heavy breathing and wheezing does not keep me up.

Me being sick has given G all kinds of ammo for fodder. As I talk about going back to school, he reminds me that I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks, that I am not unpacked, and that I am not always capable of 16 good hours of work a day. Damn my moment of weakness.

So my life sounds pretty boring right now, but it is really not. I am just not clever enough in my constant drug induced state to articulate the things going on. Yesterday was my boss's last day and I was the only direct report to attend her going away party. It was an interesting event and though I am not sorry to see her go - change is necessary - I am sorry that I did not have more time with her.

Second on my list is that I lost a friend this week. I mean I lost her prior to this week, but was only mildly disappointed and keeping the door open. Well, after this week, and the constant reports of her carrying on about me and specifically my daughter behind my back - to people who know better no doubt - I am mad and done.

Dare I Say It?

Dare I say it out loud, but I am feeling a tad bit better....shhh, don't scare it away.
I am also feeling inspired. I really want to go back to school so that I can finish my darn degree. I am inspired by the idea of a Masters and all I am learning within my current organization.

I need some money!

Freak of Nature

Who knew that I would have the opposite reaction to every side effect labeled on every medication I am taking right now, including GETTING WELL.

The highest bidding lab gets me, there is no Buy It Now for this auction- Good Luck!

Prescribed Weight Gain - Oh Goody

So after 7 days of cough syrup with codine and antibiotics, I am worse for the wear. In a moment of exhaustive weakness, I allowed one of the triage nurses to talk me into signing myself in. The result, my pulse ox was LOW, my chest xray revealed abnormalities consistent with scarring and a collapsed lung and I am now on steroids and an inhaler. So the bright side is the side effects of the steroids - Get your popcorn ready folks! Swelling, bloating, increased appetite, mood swings, and WEIGHT GAIN.

Stay tuned, I am sure there is more good news tomorrow!

It's Been Too Long.......

It feels like I have this Plague forever and right now, it is the only thing I have to talk about. Well, outside of the lecture I received from G last night about my Type A personality and the manic mess that makes me when I am put in a situation that requires me to sit and get some rest. I am too tired to read- I fall asleep and then woken up by my coughing or wheezing, TV is boring - I have watched all my recorded episodes of The Unit, The Mentalist, and Fringe, and I cannot do the chores on my list.

Ok, let me say this about The Unit - Hot Damn those men are sexy. There is something about men who serve their country and are packing heat. They wear jeans and t-shirts and at time glisten with sweat. They are McGuyver like and Richard Dean Anderson is still sexy in my book. Anyhow, my favorite is Mack Gearhart, which is odd because he is a redish blonde haired guy with a hot temper. Not necessarily really my type in that I like romantic, loving brunettes that are honest and trustworthy. Too bad I don't like girls, Ginger would be in trouble!

I AM A BAD BAD PATIENT

Truly, only I would be the one to walk around ignoring bronchitis for a week and a half. It was recommended I spend a few more days at home resting and pushing fluids. Oh, yes, of course I will.

Older Than I Ever Thought I Would Be....

In a few short months, I have gone from aggressive and offensive to tenacious. I love tenacious and have worn my new adjective with pride. I love "win-win" situations and made some solid business decisions today. God, I'm smart. Ok, when I am on, I am on and I must take full advantage of those days. Especially when they happen while I am recovering from the Plague and hung over from medication and not sleeping due to this nagging cough!

So I am itching to run. For the first time in a very long time, I am itching to run. So with the Plague in my chest and my wheezing like a 90 year old man with emphysema, I am sidelined and in capable of climbing the stairs without nearing passing out from a lack of oxygen. I long to put on my shoes and run until my sides ache and my legs beg for mercy. It has been so long since I ventured out, this should happen by the time I hit my mailbox at the end of my driveway!

The point is that I am happy - so very happy. I love my job and my opportunity. I am closer to finishing my degree than I thought. I am content in the new house. My daughter is priceless. My dogs are at peace and cuddly. My husband is supportive and loves me. And I am 36. Older than I ever thought I would be.

U GO GIRL

PALIN PALIN PALIN

The Plague 2008

The sky is falling, the sky is falling... I called in sick today. I did not go to work because I am sick today. My perfect attendance has been cast aside for I have the plague. I am going to the doctor this morning so that he can tell me that I have the plague.

Up side: the plague is good for the weight loss program!

The Best Laid Plans.....

The is a saying about the road to hell, good intentions, best laid plans, blah blah blah. The long and the short of it all is that I am freaking sick!

I am never sick, never, ever, never - ok hardly ever.

My temporary schedule started this week (Tuesday through Saturday, 1000-1830) and my plan-ahem- was to walk the dogs each morning before taking Little to school and going to my trainer twice a week before heading off to work. Great plan huh. The best kind - the kind that gets ruined by a cough, headache, dizziness, and hot flashes. And not just any coughing might I add - Oh no, I have contracted the cough that will dislodge my boobs from my chest. I am going to be one of those commercials where kids find my boobs while riding their bikes and will use them to hold pieces of wood for a bike ramp. It's ok though, I never liked them much anyhow.

The Good News Is...

So every once in a blue moon, I actually read my old blogs. Being that I have already stated that I feel angst about my birthdays, I will not go over that again, but my post from last year was an eye opener. I am not angry this year and I think a lot of that is due to the massive changes I have made to my life in over the past 12 months. Instead, I feel strong and capable to fulfill my dreams. To finish my degree and move towards a Masters program. To work towards a healthy body that will continue to carry me forward and allow for me to grow old gracefully. To strengthen my financial status through budget and smart spending so that I can some day retire, while having the opportunity to provide well for my Little. These are all things that I did not consider possible a year ago - or at least it all felt like an overwhelming burden. The reality is that time will continue to pass and I will continue to get older. What I do with that time is in my control.

A Few Words On Dum B.O.

"I was the first to say" - that is the catch phrase for Barack Obama. What? You were the first to say and No one else listened. Interesting! That will obviously make for a strong Leader of the Free World! The man who talks when no one is listening. "Let me be clear" is catch phrase number two - which is a warning to the American people that he has no intention of being clear, concise, or thoughtful in his response. He interrupts, which is rude, he stutters which is annoying, and he is incapable of keeping his cool. Regardless of what Hollywood says, Obama blew it tonight. He could not even remember John McCain's first name. John - How difficult is John?

AND HERE IT IS......

36 - Now what?

I'm Sure It Is All Down Hill From Here......

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Count Down to 36

I turn 36 next week, Thursday in fact, and I have been looking at the list and the things I have not yet accomplished. Oh Bother!

I start school this Fall, though I have not made solid decisions about going clinic, staying administrative, though I know that I will make a career where I am currently, if they will have me. I cannot bring myself to visit Mackenzie's grave, but my Little spends a lot of time talking about her - she found some of Mackenzie's baby pictures in our basement awhile back. I cannot or have not spent a day without my cell phone and with everything going on, I have neither vacationed, nor taken a dive trip in a year. I am hoping that all of the changes we made this year will provide a life that will allow at least weekend trips to Cozumel and I would really like to go to Belize. My weight is a sore subject and I want to be disappointed in myself, but that would create more guilt and self-loathing, which I do not need. There is a lot to celebrate, though I have not drank champagne to celebrate it. I am too disappointed in the Broncos to spend hard earned cash going to a game and besides, I have an HD Big Screen and no lines for beer or the potty!

So it will be time to make a new list. I think my new list will be shorter and will include things that will make me better and not just things that I think will make me happy. I welcome suggestions, but running will be on that list for though I could not go a mile without dying today, give me some time cause I am a runner!

Climbing That Ladder

So, let's recap - Hired in January, start date of January 28th, promoted to a Lead position instantly, get my first STAR award, promoted to Supervisor in May-just at my 90 days. What's next you may ask? Well, there is a next, let me tell you.

Our organization is run according to the LEAN philosophy and conduct RIEs (Rapid Improvement Events) in which the Team Lead is generally a Black Belt. No this is not martial arts and yes, I am tired of that joke already. It is an honor to be a Black Belt within my organization and out of the 5000 employees on staff, 107 are Black Belts. My boss waited for three years to be asked to join a class and after nine years of being a Director, she has been a Black Belt for a little over a year now.

Well, guess who has celebrated her 7th month by being a part of the Fall 2008 class? ME ME ME! I am so excited and honored and tired! The class started on Thursday and is 6 days of intensive training that includes power points, hands-on, and walks through the hospital. There are 25 of us and I just know that the CEO was speaking to me during her introduction to the program. I am honored, amazed, and loving every minute of it. We are doe until the middle of October and then will finish at the end of October. We must participate in two RIE's a year and turn in a LEAN project report to the CEO every month. Did I mention the honor?

Time Does Not Heal Everything

The good news- we opened up a brand new Pediatric Emergency Department that is state of the art and in a central location for those who cannot travel to Children's, which is now located way out East. The bad news- we opened up a brand new Pediatric Emergency Department that draws in sick children that could potentially die and sometimes do. It hurts my heart so much. I know what those parents are going through, I know that every breath is a struggle, and to stay calm is asking the impossible. I know what it is like to hear the Doctor say I am sorry, we did everything we could. Oh my God, I know.

The struggle for me is to stay intact and there are times in which the struggle feels like climbing the side of a cliff. For me, the struggle is to acknowledge the emotion, where it comes from, and to move on without a pint of Ben & Jerry's or a triple fudge brownie. My struggle is to honor my past while maintaining the momentum to move forward.

They say time heals all wounds, but they never buried a child.

Headache Free and Thankful for it....

I think there was a direct correlation between the medication I was taking and my migraines. I say that because I woke up this morning headache free and took my last pill yesterday. Now, it could be the medication, it could be that it is the weekend and I am home, or it could be the support I continue to get from those who care about me. Not sure, but the headache is gone for now and I am thankful.

I am happy today - it is cloudy out, football is on, I am doing little chores around the house, and made brunch for the family this morning. I got to drink coffee and read the paper, though I had to DVR Meet The Press. Ok, here is what I appreciate about living in half the house than we had before - it takes less than an hour to clean the darn thing when we all pitch in. There is very little yard work and if you put something in a place, you do not have 5 closets, five bedrooms, and five bathrooms in which to search to find it. YEAH! There are still boxes, but I am not about to kill myself to get them unpacked above getting some R&R.

September 11th

I was fearful of today, but have been so busy (we opened our brand new Pediatric Emergency Department and our new CEU registration area) that I allowed September 11th to sneak up on me. I always struggle with this day because I still feel as though we should not be so cavalier and "business as usual" when so many men, women, children, and first responders lost their lives through the actions of cowards. I am still so angry and sad and mad and patriotic about the whole thing. Luckily, the world was quiet and I did not have a moment to revel in it.

Unfortunately for me, I have a couple of things going on that are kind of controlling me rather than me being able to control them. First of all, I am on medication that has a side effect of aggression. I am striving to not go off the deep end, but I get frustrated easily and I can hear it in my voice. There is a man that works with me that really works hard to keep me even and does more for me than I can describe in one blog, but he does get days off and I am pretty sure he did his best to hide from me today. Who could blame him really? Secondarily, I suffer from migraines and have since I was a child. They get so bad that my entire head throbs, I get extremely short tempered, and I will eventually throw up if I don't lay down in a cold, dark, quiet room. I have had two of them this week, which may be from dehydration or stress. Take your pick.

So here something I do not understand and I am looking for comments. I went to work for a woman that I thought would make a tremendous mentor for me. I have tried my hardest to make her look good within the organization and rarely, if ever, take credit for the things I have done to make her successful. I was the first person to get certified through NAHAM, read the policies and procedures for the organization, promoted within my first 90 days, and now have been asked to be a member of the next Black Belt class after only 7 months of employment. (A side note is that it took my boss three years to be offered a spot and then, I have been told, she was an alternate). Ok, all of this success and you would think she would love it. Oh Contrare - She has resigned and told us today that she would not recommend any of us for her position, furthermore, she went on to say that none of us would promote beyond Manager because the organization will not promote to the Director level from within. She went on to say other things, but every time she said something that she thought would insight me, she looked at me, so much so that others mentioned it to me afterwards. I am amazed by the fact that she wishes me such ill will and hopes that I lack success - even though I have put her in a position to take credit for my success. Amazing! Thoughts?

GU 63

Damn all the this unpacking! I missed the first Sunday of football season.

~Go Brett Favre

RNC

I got to see a couple nights of the RNC. First let me say that whomever vetted the attendees, should be fired immediately. Second, I am so entirely disappointed by NBC and their coverage, that I may not watch anything else they have to offer for the remainder of the election season. Instead of listening to Fred Thompson, I had the privilege of listening to commentary - screaming "Are they serious" the entire time. Now, I am an MSNBC/NBC girl all the way, but this was so unprofessional that I am ashamed and disenchanted with unbiased journalism. In fact, I watched PBS the second night.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching Mr. Huckabee. I thought he was intelligent and clever. Mitt Romney was also clever and entertaining. I thought Giuliani was lacking in that I have seen him stir and move even the most stoic of crowds.

When announced, I was not thrilled with Sarah Palin as the choice. That being said, she has completely won me over. She is smart, driven, dedicated, and works her tail off to have it all. Her husband is hot too. Yes, I am a fan of good ole Sarah Palin!

Detour

So when I said that September 2nd was the light at the end of the tunnel, I did not see the detour sign. So, September 10th is the grand opening of our new Pediatric Emergency Department. As exciting as that is, there is also a lot of preparation work that requires attention and since my boss is out of town, I am representing.

DNC Recap

There is so much I want to say about the DNC landing in Denver and the perspective of life in the ER, but alas, I cannot. I do have to say that things went much more smoothly than I thought.
Of course, that did not stop the one of the Momocrats from posting nasty-grams about my beloved facility. She was so blazon as to point out we are the example by which health care reform is necessary. The best part of the story is that we are health care reform and what the Democrats can expect if they move forward with their version of health care for all. And again, I ask, who will pay for it?

Anyway, the media points its finger at the Democrats as to why the DNC in Denver went so smoothly. So I will give credit where credit is due - to the Denver Police Department, the Secret Service, and the citizens of Denver. It does not belong to the Democrats, who typically do not protest their own convention.

Not that I am eating ranch dressing with every meal, but

My body is on strike and I mean in a serious way. I am eating like crap and not exercising and not getting 8 hours of sleep and working really hard at the hospital and at home. I knew any expectation of preparing healthy meals and taking care of my self was a long shot, but I have really taken a flying leap off of the wagon this time. I am sure I am up 5 pounds. Ok, so one more week of living fast and loose and then... September 2nd

Recap

So the move is complete, the unpacking - well, it has not even begun, but the move is complete. We ended up working too many hours to be as organized as I would have liked, but our walk through was scheduled earlier on Saturday than I thought. So I guess that worked out. We started moving Saturday around 2:30 and finished around 10pm on Monday. Of course, there was the "Panic Run" after work on Tuesday for the few forgotten items. I am exhausted. Coming Soon to a city near you: The DNC

Kindergarten

So my Little started Kindergarten. I am so proud of her. She loves her teacher and classmates. I am so proud of her. The biggest change in her life right now is the discontinuation of naps - oh my gosh - she could still use a nap. But bed time was a breeze.

Moving Day II

Monday - at least a dozen trips via Volvo. Back hurts, knees hurt
Friends to the rescue - one more day and we will have it all.

Moving Day

26 ft truck - 3 trips
My two Best Friends + their husbands + G's Best Friend + Two Teenage Sons
New Patio - Beer, offered to show G's Best Friend my rack for stopping to get beer & ice.
Got Flowers from the New Neighbor.

Cannot move in the new house for all the boxes.......oh and not everything is here.

Wanted: Additional Kitchen Cabinets

My day: packed, walk through on the new house, set up the (READ: Unpacked) the kitchen, brought over Little's clothes, brought toilet paper. ~Shoot: kitchen is full and I forgot to pack up the lower cabinets at the old house.

Much Too Early To Panic

Working too much, not packed, not organized, not panicking yet

CumBayah

My friend Ginger says I could not do boring for 20 minutes. That she is Cumbayah and I am AHHHHHHHH. Well, I accept the challenge. Well, ok. I accept the challenge starting September 2nd. Until then, yes, I am working, packing, eating, sleeping and nothing else...Until Sunday when I am then moving! Here I come Cumbayah - first on my list, Read some book about a 4 hour something.

Loved and Lost x 4

I have been in love with five men in my lifetime. Today, I found memorabilia from each one. I am cleaning out as I pack up and came across boxes containing notes, year books, pictures, and cards. I am lucky to have loved and lost and kept the reminders for a time in which I can maintain perspective on it all.

Walking Into the Tunnel

My desperation has subsided and though I am worried about our move next weekend, it is only because we have such a tight deadline in which to move the monstrosity that is our possessions. There is such a cleansing that takes place in throwing out things that you never knew existed in the 5+ years we have lived in this house. There are things that G and I have been toting around with us for most of our lives that are so unnecessary and part of an unhealthy past - AND so we have tossed them out. We even made a game out of it, bringing in the largest of our two garbage cans and throwing the contents of our linen closet from the second story down into the trash. Our Little has no game and only hit every other throw into her destined spot. As I sit here tonight, with sore back, I really believe that we will be alright. This too shall pass and in the grand scheme of things, I have survived more.

08/08/08

How do you celebrate 08/08/08? Well, there is Jason Kidd at the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics. But really it is that our servitude amongst the Short Man is over. The party line is that he left the organization to move closer to his family, but those of us who have been knee deep in the shit he has created are confident that the Org got as fed up with him as we did. Either way, there is now peace in the Kingdom - or at least until the DNC arrives!