So Out of Character

So I did something completely out of character and I packed up the family, drove to South Dakota, and spent a weekend away. It was G's birthday and so I signed him up for a 7 mile trail run in Spearfish, SD to make him feel empowered. Well, the definition of trail run in Spearfish is different than what we in Colorado call a trail run. My poor husband ran through the finish line after climbing Look-Out Mountain, which he nearly fell off, gashing his leg in the mean time. Happy Birthday and I love you honey! After showers and lunch, we made our way to Mount Rushmore. The sky was blue, the day was beautiful, and the patriotism was remarkable. I have seen it before, but not like this and not with Little & G. It is hard to imagine how 400 people could create such a remarkable monument to 4 of the greatest men who lived. Moving back toward Spearfish, we made a detour through Bear Country, a drive through animal sanctionary. It was incredible to have these mighty animals as close as they were. We saw elk, deer, wolves, buffalo, and so many bears. They just roam around and sniff your car and play in their own environment. We walked through the Babyland and saw the newest additions.

With our day nearly done, we headed off to Deadwood for a wine tasting (I bought several bottles) and G's birthday dinner. We had an amazing time and want to do more of these. Our cell phones did not work, making the entire weekend all about the three of us - just the way we like it.

August is the month for Angels

On August 25, 1990 I gave birth to a baby girl. A month later, I turned 18. A month after that, I buried my daughter who died at 2 months and 4 days old from a rare disorder that attacked her intestines. There is nothing as devastating as burying a child. I remember this as I discover that the beautiful little girl who died in Grand Junction over the weekend was the daughter of someone I knew before my life was permanently altered. I cannot remember what anyone said to me while I mourned and I cannot imagine what anyone could say to someone during such a devestating time in their lives. All I can say is that my heart breaks for the family. That I hope they find peace and comfort in something that provides some sort of solace.

Cannot

I cannot sleep and so here I am and I cannot write. I have been working a lot and school keeps me busy and I am walking almost regularly and I cannot sleep.

Pimples, PMS, & The Pill.....

So, I have been pretty up and down these past few weeks, though you would not know it since I am still not writing on a regular basis. Somehow, I have lost my focus, my drive, and my "yes" around my job and have allowed the worst of the worst get into my head. I have allowed these demons to impart their drama into my daily life, leading me to chase my tail - which I hate to do! Luckily, I have two of the very best mentors in the whole world and they have worked extra hard to keep me level. I think I have to assign some of my craziness to the fact that I, at 37 years old, am back on THE pill. So now I am taking medication to counter my blood sugar, replace my dead thyroid,and keep my girl parts in working order. FABULOUS! Did I mention that my face is also breaking out like a 16 yr old girl while PMSing? Fun, Fun.....

So I have stopped writing. Literally and figuratively. I went to browse Barnes and Noble killing time while Little was in dance and found some beautiful journals. I bought her one and was looking for some pens for us, then realized, I do not write anymore. My life revolves around technology -iPhone, iPad, laptop, desktop, and the piece I turn my nose up at, my pager. I type and click and even now, I blog using my text message function. I have surrounded myself with technology in an attempt to make my life easier and instead, I fill each hole with more tasks. But I have stopped writing, allowing my thoughts to enter and flee in random fashion without any remorse. I just let them go as quickly as they came. This is how I feel about running. I have stopped, totally stopped. No running or walking or Jazzercise or Biggest Loser or Wii. I refuse, adamently refuse. I do so like I am phobic to it and without knowing why.

Our Degree Arrived

So, I drove up to my house tonight and noticed a yellow envelope propped up on my front door. I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had ordered and wondering if G had left town, forgetting to let me know that he was expecting something. Imagine my surprise when I saw the envelope was from my Alma mater. Upon accessing the contents, I quickly realized that it was my college diploma. Elated, I immediately took pictures of the beautiful document and send them off to G via text. It is bitter-sweet in that I have to send pictures to my love of the degree I finally completed and he was such an integral part of my success. This degree is ours. I acknowledge that I did the work, but he gave me the space, support, patience, and confidence to do so. It is our degree and it will bring us even better things. Thank you baby!

Not Much To Say.....

So, I don't have much to say lately. Not because I am troubled or unhappy or have very little going on. No, I have plenty going on, even without being in school. I think I use all of my words during the day. I think I use all my energy on other things and just cannot muster scribing in a thought provoking and meaningful way. I am grateful for my life, my family, my job. I am thankful for my friends and the people in my life, even though I do not articulate that as often as I should. This week is exhausting and yes, it is only Wednesday. G is visiting his parents as his father has been in the hospital and ill. I talked him into going and am glad I did, but damn I miss him. I am not sleeping and the girl dog is restless and Little is sleeping in my bed. There was a blizzard and school was closed. I have deadlines and reports and demands on my time. I will get more employees and I need my bird back. I had part 2 of the Diabetes workshop, only to learn that I am not doing it right and eating too much protein. I am not exercising this week, though I was sure I would be able to walk the dogs. I am happy and satisfied and content, except that I want G home, I just do not have much to say.

Class of 2010

I am a college graduate, oh yes I am. Well, I have a certificate of completion, but am not sure when I will receive my diploma. The graduation ceremony is in May, the same weekend I will be in Florida for a conference. Hmmm. None of this matters because I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE!

So I have been officially done for a week. In true fashion, I have spent the past week pushing my college to submit the necessary documents in an effort to complete my application for grad school. The ponied up and now I have a complete packet that is sitting in committee review and my interview is this week. I am not nervous, I am excited!

I went to Jazzercise today and have mapped out exercise schedules for the next month and a half that I am off of school and I have some pretty demanding deadlines at work. I am so afraid of getting lazy during this break and want to continue reading meaningful material, but ugh, my brain needs a breather.

Finishing Only to Start Again!

So, I love my life...I took a CLEP exam this week and passed it so I do not actually have to take the class and will graduate on time! Which is in 2 weeks now. TWO WEEKS! I cannot believe it and this term has been so painful. Well, one class is painful in that it is Human Sexuality and between the book and the papers I have had to write, I feel like a pervert. I am not a Psychology major because I want to clinically treat individuals and I certainly do not want to deal with sexual dysfunction or deviant behavior. SERIOUSLY! But this is one of two classes I must complete. The other is Integrative Psychology and my Senior capstone. I could not have a better way to cap off my degree than this class and this professor! When I registered for this class, I did so with a groan. Surprisingly, I have loved every minute of this class. So really, I have two weeks of coursework left and it is chock full of 10 page papers, exams, and of course, the demands of my job!

In addition, G and I both are focused on trying to get into Grad School. He was accepted for the Computer Science Master's Certificate program at Stanford, but we just cannot afford the price tag right now. I am really proud of him for doing this. He is 10 years older than I am and could retire in the next 10 years, but he has not achieved all that he wants to achieve before doing just that. Besides, he only wants to retire to spend more time with me and I am way too young to even think about retiring!

A Friendly Reminder

So I am sitting here watching the Oprah I recorded today. Dr. Oz is talking about diabetes. He is treating a woman that has Type one who is 44 years old and has lost kidney function, one leg up to her knee and just had her other foot amputated. 85,000 limbs are amputated due to diabetes per year. The warning signs are: constant thirst, frequent urination, non-healing infections, tingling toes, and blurred vision. I have three of the five. The risk factors are belly fat, sedentary lifestyle, family history, and smoking. I have two of the four. If your waist size is more than half your height, then you are at risk. So there is a vicious cycle..if you get a little fat around your waist, then if you are Type II, the sugar floats around looking for a receptor to bind to. In lieu of binding, it stores in the belly, creating more fat. It then becomes more difficult to reverse. So this explains why I can run and not lose but a handful of weight at a time. It does not make things better, easier, but it explains it in a way that makes me need to be more patient with myself. I need to run because I love to run and because it is good for my heart. I need to be patient, I need to be patient. I need to stay away from sugar, which means I need to get enough sleep and I need to protect my feet. I need to do better.

Luck, Pure Luck

When I look at my child, I get over-whelmed by my love for her. She is amazing and beautiful and wonderful and real. There are times that I look at her and find myself over come by emotion and passion. I am so lucky.

Ode to Buckys

So I am a true Bucky's girl. There are days in which I make two runs, one before work and one after or during. This has been a hard week with lots of work, work, work, and so I went this afternoon for a nonfat treat. The cars parked outside range from high end luxury automobiles to those that have duct tape holding the bump in place. Inside, is a potpourri of diversity. There is an older woman sitting in the corner with burgundy hair fashioned in a mo hawk and a couple of people chatting over spreadsheets in suits. Mixed with studious looking souls covered in ink are stay at home mothers chatting it up before the kiddos get out for the day. There is no rhyme or reason to whom partakes in a Bucky's beverage, except that we are all inter-related by our loyalty to the green and white.

Red Eye Is not a flight...

Here. Tired. Event Week.

The Road to Hell is still the road to hell.....

Tomorrow begins my third week of this term. Five weeks left before I graduate as long as I pass these two courses and take a CLEP exam. I waited until the last minute today to write and turn in a 5 page paper on mental illness. It makes me wonder if on some level I am sabotaging myself. What does it mean for me to graduate and why would I fear that. I am nervous about the CLEP exam and I must maintain a certain GPA in order to gain acceptance to the MBA program. I can do this, I know I can do this. Did I not plan well today or am I on a familiar road?

Love Lost

I am currently reading the most amazing book. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. It has been a couple of years since he wrote the book and almost two years since he died. The book is meant as a time capsule for his children as his oldest was 6 when he died and his youngest is only a baby. Today I watched the Lecture from the Oprah episode and the interview he and his wife conducted with Diane Sawyer. I cannot imagine the heart-break, which got me thinking about Todd Beemer and his wife, Lisa (?) from 9/11. Is it better to know that the love of your life has months to live, leaving you to live your life without them, knowing that each special occasion will be the last the two of you will spend together? Or is it better to wake up to the loss of your great love, not having those last moments to appreciate, but not watching them die slowly over time? Then I started thinking about those who love the one who got away and they let them go. They move on to live their lives, marry someone, have children, and never face that honesty.

These are the things I should not think about that I do. All three scenarios are tragic and sad and would keep me up at night if I truly considered it. But I love this book.....

Walk to Run

I am feeling healthy and calm right now. I hate getting up at 5 am, getting out in the dark cold, and driving to the gym, but I love the thrill of the adrenaline and the way I feel when I am done. My running stats from last year suck and so I have set new goals. I set them from a few different angles..the number of times I run, my pace, and the number of miles I go. I have also set my Nike coach to get me back to where I was months ago through the walk to run program.

I think I should take the walk to run philosophy to heart in other aspects of my life. I love my job, but it is break neck speed right now. I continue to get high profile projects at every turn. I love school, but I feel alot of pressure about this being my last term, needing to CLEP a course, and worrying about acceptance into the MBA program. I want my body to be healthy now and I can feel myself starting to expect more and more from it now that I feel better. There are things I am doing really well, but I do not do well focusing on my success.

My Fingers Hurt

A week ago today I spent a frustrating day in my physicians office. Upon getting my thyroid numbers in check, we were sure that my sugars would go down and in true schizo fashion, they did just the opposite and went up. I am insulin resistant and have polycystic ovary syndrome for which I take medication and poke my fingers 4 times a day to do a blood test. I got sicker before I finally feel better, nearly passing out at work. Now that I have gotten things in check and have gotten use to the meds, I am feeling much better. I even went to the gym this morning. Yea Me!

In other news, life is very expensive for G and I right now and it is a tad bit frustrating. I feel like I have a plan each time I get promoted and then things happen that commandeer the extra funds associated with my raise. I genuinely want to stay on track, but oh hell if it is not one thing it is another. I am happy though. I love my life and would not go back for anything. My husband is a dream come true and I am so excited to graduate.

6 Years of Wonder and Love

Today my Little turned 6 years old. She is so wonderful and beautiful and intelligent and my life was forever changed when I held her tiny body in my arms for the very first time. She is the greatest gift I have ever been given and the second chance that I may not have deserved, but am extremely grateful for. Happy Birthday my Little!

Too Much or Too Little Ain't Good

So, the day went by super quick. Got up, made breakfast - oldest son joined us, cleaned up. Had coffee and a long chat with oldest son and G. Made lentil soup, went to the grocery store, did a little work, had dinner, folder laundry, will put it up and go to bed. I did not get half of what I wanted to get done actually done. There are not enough hours in the day and that includes weekends. Isn't it funny that I do not like having too much or too little time off. G says I am particular. Hmmm

Star Trek Got Me Thinking....

So I am sitting on the couch with my laptop on hand while G watches several episodes of an old Sci-fi series. I only half listen because I am not into this series in any way. However, one of the episodes really struck me. The captain was struck by an energy bolt that catapulted him into a space/time continuum. His teenage son was in the docking bay and witnessed the event. There was a funeral and his son could not move on. His father continued to appear to him, disrupting any normalcy the son might have established. It cost him his career, his wife, and ultimately, his life. It all worked out in the end, but the demise of the son at his own doing through his grief over the loss of his father was devastating.

So, all of this got me thinking again about how I have been neglecting myself and have fallen into various medical conditions that are now requiring medical intervention. The extreme would be something happening to me, but I can not do anything to jeopardize the opportunity for my daughter to grow up in tact, breaking the dysfunctional cycle that the women in my family have passed on for generations. I need her to have everything there is to gain in this world and a child cannot move forward, realizing all the possibilities, while grieving for someone they have lost.

I had A Good Day, Really I Did.....

I had a good day. Nothing in particular happened, but I had an opportunity to sit in my office and get some work done. Lots of work done actually. I had lunch with some of my colleagues and I realize that I am a tad lonely in my new position or maybe location. Everyone dear to me is in the main hospital, while I am in a building directly across. The difference is not great, but if you consider that I am constantly in meetings and then must return to my own office, then it makes it virtually impossible to see them all on a regular basis. I love my job and I love the people that make me successful, but I miss the times when I could have my first thing in the morning conversations and have a hundred people coming and going. Not to say that I don't have chaos, because I do. This is a ridiculous post because I am very happy and I talk to about 100 people a day from all areas. I just feel sentimental about the people who supported me and worked hard with me to elevate me to this position. I guess I feel like I am being replaced, well, because I am being replaced on a couple of different levels.

2010: Day Seven

So today I received confirmation that I have completed the requirements necessary to graduate minus this current term and a CLEP test I need to take for a level 100 class that is too ridiculous to take. I cannot believe that I am so close and could have my degree at the end of March. I could have my MBA acceptance by the end of April. I could be in the MBA program by May and have a Masters degree in hand in 2011. But, I am getting ahead of myself, I am sure.

This month I will celebrate two years with my organization. Two years in my new life and I feel so satisfied. Had I not pursued the career change, I would not have thrust myself into building a career and would not have pursued the completion of my degree. My husband and I have rebuilt our relationship and I have become a better mother. I have incredible mentors and leaders that model behaviors consistent with leading by example. I have been given opportunity to walk down the path of becoming the very best me. There is never a day when I feel bored or under-utilized. I have been given the opportunity to rise and shine and I am so very grateful for that.

2010: Day Six

So, it was my first day back and I was busy, busy, busy. One of the reasons I wanted to work for this organization was because I knew I would not be bored. Most days my biggest problem is getting enough water in, bio breaks, or figuring out what I can accomplish at the end of the day when I am too tired to concentrate. I have many projects for 2010 and had three more added to me today.

I heard back from my physician today. I had a blood draw on Monday. I am insulin resistant, which means diabetes. I have to go back next week to figure out what that means exactly and what the next steps are. This is not something I feel like talking about right now. I know this because G has tried to get me to sit down and discuss it a couple of times this evening. There is still not enough data and much unknown and so there is little or nothing more to say about it.

I am ready to start school and I do not know why as I am very tired today and cannot imagine adding one more thing to my plate. I am sure it will get easier.

Last Day & First Day

So I spent my final day of vacation cleaning up the house, meeting Little's new teacher, getting new school supplies, running errands, laundry, etc. Not at all relaxing. I am looking forward to getting back to work, but I know I will pay for being gone this long. I am nervous because I got pretty lazy being at home. I slept in, answered email when I felt like it, ate crap, did not exercise as much as I should have, and in general lost any discipline that I might have had.

Little starts 1st grade tomorrow. In addition, she begins in a new after-school program that requires her to take a bus off-site. She has a field trip to the Stock Show next Thursday. She is still awake even though I put her to bed an hour and 15 minutes ago. I think we are both excited and nervous!

Expectations

Expectation is a powerful thing. It claims our emotion, captures our intellect, and drives reaction to reality. We can be so arrogant about our expectations, but how do we influence what is out of our control so that our expectations are met? I get inpatient when my expectations are left wanting. My son gets frustrated and angered when his are not met. Does this mean that we set our expectations to high or that we are too analytical in establishing outcomes. I think it means that I do not live in the moment. But this is not a rant, just an interesting thought.

2010: Day Three - Choices

Almost a week ago G and I were called to the ex-wife's house to confront our middle son regarding some bad choices he was making in his life. We took away his phone, his car, his freedom, and potentially his opportunity to start college early. We are meeting again tomorrow to decide his fate and his "probation". Choices seem to be a theme in my life right now as I am still in the mode of teaching my 20, 17, and 5 years that there are consequences to bad choices. In thinking about my habits, or bad habits as they are, I discovered that I am not a role model for making good choices 100% of the time myself. There is a lot to be said about who I am and my dedication to work ethic and achieving my goals, blah blah. However, when it comes to my health, I have some control that I do not exert. I do not always eat the right thing, I do not always exercise on a regular basis, and I do not always deal with stress in a healthy way. Does this make me unable to guide my children towards making good choices?

2010 : Day Two

Well, if today is any indication of my year to come, we should label this the year of the ass because that is where I have spent my day. I would like to say that I have been reading one of the five books I would have liked to have had read before going back to work, or that I was studying for the CLEP test I need to take, but sadly no. I have been doing Princess word searches with Little, watching Disney movies, and mostly, playing Sorority Life on Facebook - which is really the most embarrassing activity to admit to. Day three should provide one hell of a migraine as I have eaten my weight in sugar today and have only scratched the surface on the amount of water needed in order to counteract said sugar. I am preparing to throw out all unhealthy foods on Tuesday morning, unless it finds its way into my mouth before then. I deserve the headache that will surely come and I should pray that I get through the night without throwing up. I have gotten into a habit during vacation that includes sleeping in, not running, not reading, and drinking lots of coffee. Oh Gawd, I fell off the wagon, it rolled over me, and has continued on to the next village. Damn - I need to go back to school and work!

2010 Day One

Ahh, new car smell - or the promise of a fresh and clean new year. Either way, I love the smell of potential. Already this year holds some major changes for our family. Our oldest son will either get his act together at college or he will be asked to leave the university. Our middle son will graduate from high school and begin his college experience. Our Little will complete 1st grade. I will graduate from college and hope to move on to a MBA program. G will continue to work on his game and will probably finish it this year. We will decide where to live, we will stop paying the equivalent of a luxury car payment in child support while actually supporting the child ourselves - thus making double payments. My hope is that the unexpected that comes before us are happy surprises and not reactionary trials. I am tired of trials and character building events. We have had about 10 years of them and that will suffice.

So I have my educational goals, my professional goals associated with what I need to accomplish for the organization this year (and have nothing to do with a promotion in 2010), and my own personal goals. I need to regain control over my body this year. Thyroid levels up (or down, whichever way you look at them), my sugars down without medication, consistency in my exercise regime, and get the extra weight off of my body. I want to strengthen my core to protect my back from further injury.

That is all for now....