Where do I start? I have stopped running, swimming, exercising. I am consumed with my MBA, work, my family, and the losses we have sustained this past year. I have just started the 7th class of 12 in my graduate degree and am looking forward to graduating next year. Thanks to a bout of premature peri-menapause, I was placed on hormones, which made me crazy and all girly. After nine months and several pounds, I have stopped taking them. The concern is that I am too young for menopause, but I am too young to feel insane also. In January, we had to put our beloved Gunther to sleep as he began suffering from cancer, which he was diagnosed with the last week in December. G, Little, and I were thrust into a deep, dark depression that took us weeks to resolve. In addition, Little began to have issues with her after school situation and so I pretty much threw an ultimatum at my boss. The result was that I changed my hours at work to 0530-1430, which means I am getting up at 0400 and in theory, going to bed at 2000. The problem is that I still do not sleep well, causing all kinds of issues. I am still suffering from headaches - though I am on a new medication that has two side-effects: drowsiness & weight-loss. I have only been taking it for a couple of days, but I cannot find a down side just yet. Little is much better after months of Mommy after-school and is going through interview after interview for private school in the Fall. Mommy is looking forward to school being out and Little going to camp so that she can sleep until 0500 or 0600 and not go to bed before the neighborhood kids.
I am a voyer in that I look at the pictures of my beautiful friend's baby boy and feel ashamed that I do not know him. I feel ashamed that I do not run and that I am in my own way. I want to run and yet, I cannot get out of my own way. I have put on so much weight over the past year and I can no longer resolve what part of that is me and what part of that is meds, hormones, excuses, etc.
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2 comments:
I.love.you - no matter what, no matter where, no matter how long it goes that I don't know where or how you are and you bring tears to my eyes just reading this, because I know now, but I also know that regardless of how long it went to find out how you are - we were still connected because you were checking in - and in that it means you are ok - you will be ok - and you will have a time to get back to 'normal', but you are always going to be ok, and if you aren't I'll be checking in to try and help.....
Wow! You are to hard on yourself when it comes to why you are not a runner. First and foremost you are an awesome mother and wife, and life's decisions are not easy ones. I am a cancer survivor and the result of being a survivor means 70 extra pounds and hormone replacement therapy. I understand your frustrations and if there is anything I can do for you just ask...
I have a proposition for you...I too would like to become a runner and in the last 3 months I have moved back home, gone off of my hormones, anti-depressants and stopped smoking so together we can be each other's support. I love to walk so perhaps this is where we start...Hang in there and if you would like to get together to chat or walk or both I would love to see you again!!
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