And The Winner Is....Not Me!

So I am not going to get the Director position and in fact, I am not going to be interviewed for the position. Now, before you throw something or stomp your feet, realize that I turned down an opportunity to sit with our CFO fully knowing I was not a candidate. The upside is that she called me personally to ask me whether or not she was missing something on my resume that she was looking for in a candidate. She was right about that specific qualification. This is a woman who has been consumed with the budget. And she called me. She even offered me the opportunity to sit down with her to discuss this if I felt like I needed to. More and more, I like and respect her.

Now, before you think that I am extremely passive about this, you have to know that I did pout and whine about it for an hour or two. I mean, I am after all, spoiled. However, my husband gave me some perspective and clarity that snapped me out of the funk pretty quickly, reminding me that I have been promoted twice this year, I have not been with the organization for 12 months yet, and the promotion would have leap frogged me over the manager level. The place I have taken myself to is that I have some things I need to get together personally. I need to get healthy and want to finish my degree and then look towards a Masters degree. I can do that in my current position. Add to my daily life, these two steps towards large goals, plus my newly established Black Belt responsibilities, and I think that I have enough on my plate.

I Am Driven, HardWorking, and Not A Hypocrite

So I am working on scholarships so that I can get back into school. Again, this is one of the those times in which I could be extremely resentful, but I am choosing not to go down that path. Instead, I am asking some of my favorite people in life to write professional and character references on my behalf. There are times in which I have conversations with my sons about college and how important it is to succeed in life. Very few times have they come back pointing out my success and lack of college. Why do I get to come off like a hypocrite? Well, it is very simple, I am driven , dedicated, and hard-working. I owned my 1st business when I was in 7th grade with my best friend. We wrote a business plan, marketing material, and had business cards. This was a couple of years after I was the 2nd place cookie salesperson in the state of Texas with the Girl Scouts. Despite coming from a upper middle class family, getting a car on my 16th birthday, and getting spending money from my parents, I started working when I was 15. My first job was Dairy Queen and I have not spent 6 months without a job every since. I worked my entire pregnancy and went back only a few weeks after my Little was born. Now fortunately, I owned my own business at that time too and was able to work from home, but I made money.

Being that my sons take after their mother and are influenced by the step-father, they do not have the benefit of their work ethic to fall back on and need as much education as they can get.

Conflicted

There are says when I feel lost and today is one of those days. I feel anxious and unaccomplished. So there is a part of me that wants to push forward and gain ground on my career, feeling like I have found success in my current positon and ready for the next challenge. Then there is a part of me that wants to make myself comfortable within my current position so that I can forge ahead with my education. So, of course, I am conflicted.

I am conflicted and also very tired. Very, very tired and as I have mentioned 150 times, next week is an event week. which will be a lot of work and exhausting. And super fabulous...

Needs, Wants, and Grumpiness

I found myself to be over-tired, under-focused, and more than a bit grumpy today, though I think I did a good job keeping that to myself. There were tasks that had a deadline of today and I was in no mood to complete them. It did not help that I was dependant upon a report that did not show up until well after 1pm.

I was asked today if I was going to make a 36 before 37 list and my answer is probably not. My one area of focus this year is to get healthy – body, mind, and spirit. G and I had a lengthy conversation last night about how hard my life has been. I only went back to 18 when Mackenzie died, but he reminded me of the home I grew up in. That being said, my life has been a challenge since 1986. 22 years – no wonder I am tired.

I am trying to separate need from want right now when discussing my pursuit of ultimate happiness. I need to finish my degree, I want a promotion. I need to lose the weight I put on, I want to buy clothes in a bigger size. You get the idea…

I need to find a mentor and I have not yet found that person. There are many choices within the organization I work for, however, none of them do I have consistent access to on a regular basis. There are times in which I need some focus and direction and good solid professional advice, none of which I am getting right now – so I am feeling a bit lost. Or again, I could just be over tired!

Cool As A Cucumber!

There was no passing out today. There was the Executive Staff and the inside of the Executive Board room, and clapping, and names being called, and a Black Belt with our corporate logo. But there was no passing out! And can I just say I looked lovely in a black skirt suit and a jade silk shell. I'm just saying!

So this little accessory of mine does not come without a price and that price is that I have to submit a report representing a lean process to the CEO of our organization on the 10th of each month. The clock is ticking and I am trying not to freak out. My husband says I thrive on this type of pressure and maybe he is right, but I really am trying to not freak out. I am also chomping at the the bit to get back to my degree program. I have approximately 40 credit hours and then I can start looking at Masters programs. This gets me back to my parents and why couldn't they have been the normal supportive, send your kid to college parents, but then I have to stop myself from going down that road because it makes me mad and bitter and resentful.

Instead, I will focus on all that I have that they never did and that my brother never will. It does not make me happy that I am more fortunate, it just makes me not take it for granted.

Visions of Passing Out....

I am getting my Black Belt tomorrow morning and I am very excited. Except that I am getting it from the CEO, in front of the other executives, in the executive Board room, in front of the other Black Belts, and I am likely to pass out. But super exciting huh?

Today went really fast, thanks in part to me being totally and completely abandoned by my Leads. In fact, I do not get them back until Wednesday and I just might be in the psych ward by then. I did One on Ones today - 7 of them, with like 10 more to go before I can call it a week. I sat in a meeting where the phrase "take it in the shorts" was used. I love my job!

Lost for A Sunday.

So I have shut down my political blog and stopped watching Meet The Press. So I am finding myself lost on Sunday mornings and close to sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, mumbling to myself. I am only reading half of my Sunday paper and can't help but wonder how I am going to make it through four years of this?

I am trying to write a book and as a romantic, I have a great story line. Unfortunately, portions are based on a relationship that has had no closure for me and so I am still too close to it. This results in a block that I cannot move.

I have written half a dozen paragraphs in this blog that I have ultimately erased. I think I am way too tired to have a concise and thorough thought.