Learn To Say I Am

I am getting a little nervous because I am starting to garner an audience and as stupid as it sounds, I did not expect to be found. My second blog is out there to represent my opinions, of which I have many, but sometimes I do blonde things like use this blog to promote great technology rather than the one I intended. So my goal is to stay honest with myself and continue on my journey to becoming my "whole self".

I am angry this week, though I think I have kept up appearances. On Tuesday I turned 35 and I never do well with my birthdays and Wednesday, G left for Brussels for a week on business - as much as I hate to fly myself, I hate him flying just as much. A few weeks ago, I was told that I am hard on people and do not seem to have the same high expectations for myself. I still laugh at this accusation. No one is harder on me than myself and that is a statement being nothing I do is good enough for my parents. So back to my anger issues for the week, and it will come as no surprise that I am angry with Myself.

At 35, I have accomplished nothing of what I set out to accomplish for myself. I am struggling with my entire life and have no idea what turn I took to lead me to this insane place of regret. As proud as I am about the Internet Safety Foundation Summit, that was the trigger. These people are driven, passionate, and inspired by their jobs and are truly making a difference in the world. They are law enforcement officers, educators, and lawyers who protect, enforce, and prosecute to keep children safe. I have wasted so much time chasing a dream and trying to figure out my purpose - and at 35, I have no answers. It makes me angry that I am lazy and selfish and uninspired and lost. I am weak and ridiculous and exhibit little in the way of self control. I begin my day with an internal argument about getting out of bed and facing a life that I am not proud of. I am not completely ungrateful, I have a healthy, intelligent beautiful daughter who is my best stuff and none of my baggage. I have a beautiful, large home that is fully furnished and protects me from the elements. My husband, bless his heart, loves me and is so incredibly supportive of the fact that I am a loon. He would be so sad to know that I am having a week in which I feel such an internal struggle. I have the best friends that a girl could ever have. Friends that I have had since middle school, some that I made through my "Little's" school, others that have been made through my work and participation in my favorite professional organization. From the outside in, my life is so incredibly blessed and I am both thankful and grateful. So I am angry for being so angry.