So I am really trying to live my life with my eyes wide open and in true perspective. I am in such a place of true dedicated romantic genuine love with my husband and to be honest, I have never loved my husband in such a vulnerable honest way. I know that marriage is about change, ebbs and flows, and different types of love, but I really want to work hard to keep us in this place. The very best thing about it is that I know he feels the same type of love for me too. Our daughter feels it and is the happiest I have ever seen her. There is no arguing or yelling, just laughter and cuddles and kisses and pure love. Even our 17 yr old son is in a good place when he is with us and that is remarkable given he is a total teenage boy. My very good friend at work has told me that I need to work hard to live in the moment rather than the 10 paces down the path. So that is where I am. One day at a time. No thinking about how to get to 3 miles in a reasonable pace, no thinking about how long my degree will take me with only 12 classes left.
The other issue in which my eyes are now wide open is that I have been suffering from depression for a number of years now. I know this because I am coming out of it and have the privilege of hindsight. I have been less than whole and consumed with regret, resentment, and anger. There has been so much I have been holding on to for so many years, plus the compilation of more and more challenges, the exhaustion of getting in my own way has literally weighed me down. I have gained weight to protect myself from outsiders. As my husband points out, the weight has not worked. I have such a great personality and I am smart and quick witted, so it does not do its duty and so how does this weight serve me now? Well, it does not and I am so afraid of what it is doing to my health, but I am in my own way in trying to get it off. Can I do better if I take one day at a time?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
you break my heart right and left and up and down and sideways. I wish you had the genetic makeup to take it one day at a time (regarding weight), but I am afraid to say I don't know if you can. I'm sorry about the headaches and the dog and the other things going on. I vote for speeding up the degree - it will always serve you down the road. I will call you soon so we can really 'talk'.
Post a Comment