There Are Worse Addictions I Suppose

So I guess there are worse addictions to have than FaceBook, but right now, I am obsessed. I have been a member for sometime now, but I have watched from the peripheral rather than dive in. Now that I am a full-fledged participant, I feel a sense of belonging, comraderie, pride, and nostalgia re-connecting with my former Buffs. It is so cool to see us all grown up - some look the same, some are balding, some are aging, and some are struggling for the first time in their lives. I feel like I want to be supportive of these people because I was quite guarded and superficial growing up and yet, most of them tolerated me.

I have also uncovered sad news in that a man who was admired and well-liked passed at the beginning of this year. (http://www.gregscancerfoundation.com/) He died 60 days after he learned he had colorectal cancer at the age of 36. He spent some of his final days just down the road from me last year and I was totally oblivious. This gets me thinking and internalizing. I have had my share of failures and celebrations and ups and downs, but so have the people I went to high school with. Life is so imperfect and yet we all go through it, mostly alone. The people I have reconnected with were not my best friends, because, in fact, I am still close with them, but they were people that I saw almost everyday of my life. The worse part is that they had no idea what I was going through at the time because I had a wall in place of real feelings. I drank and partied, and kept everyone an arm length away from me, when in fact, as I now realize, these people could have been the strength I needed.

I sent a friend invite to Mackenzie's father as we were high school sweethearts from two different schools. I realize now that we cannot be friends. We have been through too much to ever be friends. We are married to other people and have had children of our own that are beautiful and perfect. I think about him and I am so apologetic for so many wrongs I made towards him because of my own baggage and chaos. I am so very sorry that we lost our child, but that is where our relationship ends for now and maybe forever. There are things he gave me that I hold onto in my head and my heart that I can only appreciate now that I have perspective on healthy relationships and no longer live in my parent's home. I wish he knew that at least.